Under Pressure

LegacyUser · 27-07-2008 6:34pm #1

Hi, going unreg for this.

I am a 21 year old male and the youngest out of 7 brothers. We all get along but they always undermine me. I am quite sensitive too so they revel in embarassing me. It's all "for the laugh" and they say they take the mick to "toughen me up". This has been going on all my life and it has really affected me. I feel I have to do things by their standards and this has had an impact on me personally and socially. For example, if a choose to stay in on a Friday or Saturday my brother calls me "a hermit", which is bs because I frequently meet up with friends and always go to Uni. I feel like "a child among men" when i'm with my brothers and friends, and I have found myself increasingly retreating into myself down the years.

I am not suicidal but I can feel myself teteering on the edge of depression. I am closest to my 2nd eldest brother but he lives in Australia. The last time he was back he said to me "you are your own man". But I don't know how to stop worrying and being anxious, I just want to be who I want to be without being undermined..........

ramtha · 27-07-2008 6:58pm

I see a lot of who you are shining through that post and you don't have to ever be like your siblings.Google the "myers-briggs personality test" and it will give you a greater insight into who you are.You don't ever have to be anything other than who you are and when I first realized my character type,it gave me a lot of relief knowing being sensitive:o,being an introvert,being intuitive etc..were all blessings.It definately helped me a lot and I never felt that I fitted in.I don't know what personality type you may be but by finding out and then doing a bit of research on that type can be quite uplifting.

Wurly · 27-07-2008 6:58pm

OP, your brothers are acting like a bunch of ar$eholes. And how dare they take it upon themselves to 'toughen you up'. Since when did that become their business??

Do you live with your brothers? If you do, please please move. Otherwise, this will devastate your self esteem.

If I lived at home, i'd be in a psychiatric hospital by now. And i'm not even kidding.

I can put up with all the crap for a few hours while i'm visiting but its great to know I can leave when I want and get my space.

Please get away from these immature idiots before it damages you further.

I'm sorry you are being treated this way. It makes me so angry. They are bullying you and its inexcusable.

And for what its worth, sensitivity in a person is a fabulous trait. Don't lose it. I'm extremely sensitive and I always get stick over it. But i'd prefer to be sensitive than tough as old boots. Sensitivity is far more attractive imo.xx

ramtha · 27-07-2008 7:00pm

Also the reason your brothers probably take the mick is because your their favourite.The youngest,the quiet one etc.. Thats just their manly way of saying we love you!!!!!!!!

Overheal · 27-07-2008 7:02pm

I've 2 older brothers - I just make a habit of learning from their mistakes. But we've grown up a long way from bullying eachother, I have the lack of bruises to prove it.

7 brothers though, Im right in assuming theres loads of sibling rivalry there?

Like I said what ended up working for me was learning from their mistakes - identifying theirs and mine, and finally coming to the realisation that they are them and I am me. You're not meant to have the same views, beliefs, life experiences, etc. and you shouldn't take it too much to heart when they criticise you. When you cave into that it just gives them that little ego boost at your expense. Be true to yourself and stop worrying about who did better or who has more notches on his bedpost. If you worry too long about that sort of crap you forget whats right in front of you.

Wurly · 27-07-2008 7:05pm

Overheal wrote: »

you shouldn't take it too much to heart when they criticise you.

When a person feels vulnerable, that is an incredibly difficult if not impossible thing to do though.

OP, I definitely think you need space away from them. You need the space to get to know yourself and become comfortable with who you are. You can't do that when you feel you are being picked apart at every hand's turn.

Overheal · 27-07-2008 7:08pm

Tri wrote: »

When a person feels vulnerable, that is an incredibly difficult if not impossible thing to do though.

OP, I definitely think you need space away from them. You need the space to get to know yourself and become comfortable with who you are. You can't do that when you feel you are being picked apart at every hand's turn.

I cant refute this post at all - I had 3000 miles of space before I came to these conclusions :rolleyes:

Is there any possibility of visiting your brother in Australia on the cards?

Wurly · 27-07-2008 7:10pm

Overheal wrote: »

I cant refute this post at all - I had 3000 miles of space before I came to these conclusions :rolleyes:

A-ha!

Amazing what a bit o' space can do, innit?!

Is there any possibility of visiting your brother in Australia on the cards?

Great idea Overheal!

LegacyUser · 27-07-2008 7:13pm

Tri wrote: »

When a person feels vulnerable, that is an incredibly difficult if not impossible thing to do though.

OP, I definitely think you need space away from them. You need the space to get to know yourself and become comfortable with who you are. You can't do that when you feel you are being picked apart at every hand's turn.

I appreciate everything you have said Tri, and that goes for everyone else too.

But it is difficult to move away when you are a 21 year old student. Right now, there are 6 of us living at home (Mam, Dad and 3 of my brothers plus me). One of the worst lives at home too.

I'm lucky that I have so many friends but they are nearly all in relationships so I don't get to see them that often. My only escape is Uni were unfortunately I haven't been too good at making friends. So the people I mainly interact with are the people who are eating away at my self-esteem at home.

Wurly · 27-07-2008 8:31pm

My Own man wrote: »

But it is difficult to move away when you are a 21 year old student.

Difficult? yes. Impossible? No.

So the people I mainly interact with are the people who are eating away at my self-esteem at home.

So are you prepared to put up with this then?

Plenty of students live out of home at your age. As far as I can see, your only choices are to stay or move out. if you move out, financially it will be difficult but you will flourish as you make your own identity and experience self sufficiency.

If you stay at home, you will have more money in your pocket but your esteem will be in ruins.

I personally know what i'd pick.

Is there a student advice person that you can talk to in college with regards to affordable accommodation?

MJOR · 28-07-2008 9:46am

As the youngest of six I hear ya! In my late teens early twenties everything I did was up for discussion and sometimes ridicule.

The best advice I can give you is to let it run off you like water off a ducks back!

They slagged me and gave me an awful time and I used to get very defensive but I have learned that you are only adding fuel to the fire. I gave as good as i got!

Good luck x

LegacyUser · 28-07-2008 9:58am

Tri wrote: »

Difficult? yes. Impossible? No.

So are you prepared to put up with this then?

Plenty of students live out of home at your age. As far as I can see, your only choices are to stay or move out. if you move out, financially it will be difficult but you will flourish as you make your own identity and experience self sufficiency.

If you stay at home, you will have more money in your pocket but your esteem will be in ruins.

I personally know what i'd pick.

Is there a student advice person that you can talk to in college with regards to affordable accommodation?

I go to UCD, on campus accomadation mostly go to students travelling from outside of Dublin. But I will check with the SU in regards to affordable accomadation. Deep down I know moving out is the only way to "grow up" so to speak when you're in this situation.

dade · 28-07-2008 11:09am

I'm the youngest of 4 brothers and was always treated crap by them. nothing like what the OP was going through or anything but any time there was any family problems like sorting stuff out when day died it was a case of keep the baby out of it he's only a kid and i was in my mid 20s at the time.

when i moved out they still tried some of the same crap until they where told to leave.

@ TRI MBTI was great for me too. I completed the evaluation early last year and gave me a lot of insight into why I am the way i am. there are others that can be taken and they all gave good indications as to my personality and made me realize that i am who i am and to hell with everyone else.

@ OP don't let them get you down mate, talk to the SU and see can you sort out some accommodation. it'll be the best thing you ever did

astrofool · 28-07-2008 12:49pm

They're brothers, thats what they do in the majority of families that ever existed in the world. Each one of them will have differenet individual pressures on them that are different to your own. As the youngest, you will always be seen as, and treated as the kid of the family.

Ultimately, it is going to be up to you to get your head around this, and learn when to ignore them, and when not to, but if they're anyway decent as brothers, you will be able to talk to them about all this, and get some good reactions, and they'll likely ease off a little bit.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2008 2:07pm

astrofool wrote: »

They're brothers, thats what they do in the majority of families that ever existed in the world. Each one of them will have differenet individual pressures on them that are different to your own. As the youngest, you will always be seen as, and treated as the kid of the family.

Ultimately, it is going to be up to you to get your head around this, and learn when to ignore them, and when not to, but if they're anyway decent as brothers, you will be able to talk to them about all this, and get some good reactions, and they'll likely ease off a little bit.

I have tried this. Trust me, this is my last resort, i'm not usually the type to burden people with my problems.

Anytime I confront my brothers they accuse me "of changing" and that they can't "talk to me" anymore. They make me feel like a lepor, that i'm the one who's behaving badly, when in truth they just don't like it when I highlight their flaws.

astrofool · 28-07-2008 2:38pm

So, it sounds like your response to them telling you to get out of the house, is to start arguing with them about things they did/do wrong. Can you see why that is going to be counter productive?

It may be that they are genuinely worried for you, and that the depression might not be because of them, but yourself, only they are highlighting it on you, and you get defensive about it.

LegacyUser · 28-07-2008 2:45pm

astrofool wrote: »

So, it sounds like your response to them telling you to get out of the house, is to start arguing with them about things they did/do wrong. Can you see why that is going to be counter productive?

It may be that they are genuinely worried for you, and that the depression might not be because of them, but yourself, only they are highlighting it on you, and you get defensive about it.

You misunderstood what I said. When I said that I highlight their flaws as human beings, I didn't mean that I insult them. I meant that highlighting their flaws of treating me with no respect, like garbage, and like a kid. They don't like that I highlighted how out of order they are, so they turn it on me, that it's my fault because I can't take a "laugh".

astrofool · 28-07-2008 9:31pm

What sort of things are they saying to you? Are they all wrong, or is there an element of truth to them? Would you prefer they ignore you completely? There's 7 brothers, you get on well with 1 of them, who happens to live far away, and doesn't see you every day, and the other 5 are all wrong and out of order?

LegacyUser · 29-07-2008 8:40am

astrofool wrote: »

What sort of things are they saying to you? Are they all wrong, or is there an element of truth to them? Would you prefer they ignore you completely? There's 7 brothers, you get on well with 1 of them, who happens to live far away, and doesn't see you every day, and the other 5 are all wrong and out of order?

Here is a few examples:

I don't go out on a Saturday or Friday and they start calling me a hermit. I am not a hermit, I always go out.

I've lost a couple of stone in the past few years but all I get from them is negativity. "Excercise Bikes are crap, you should be pounding the streets like me."

They frequently insult my choice of college course, dismissing it as a woman's course.

I'm a big fan of comic-book films and I don't hide it, they call me a "weirdo", that I'm "in to Heath Ledger and Christian Bale" and other dumb **** like that.

Is that enough for you astro? I could go on.

MJOR · 29-07-2008 10:11am

As i said before you are the youngest and they feel worldly and older than you.

You need to let it run off your back and maybe not even give a reaction. Other than that sit them down and tell them that they are making you miserable.

OP youa re entitled to live how you want but if you are living with these guys you have to accept a little mickey taking once in a while.

Do they take the mickey out of each other?

Other than that move out.

I really think there is more to this than meets the eye. Are you hiding something that maybe you don't want them to know and they are trying to find out?

LegacyUser · 29-07-2008 10:51am

MJOR wrote: »

As i said before you are the youngest and they feel worldly and older than you.

You need to let it run off your back and maybe not even give a reaction. Other than that sit them down and tell them that they are making you miserable.

OP youa re entitled to live how you want but if you are living with these guys you have to accept a little mickey taking once in a while.

Do they take the mickey out of each other?

Other than that move out.

I really think there is more to this than meets the eye. Are you hiding something that maybe you don't want them to know and they are trying to find out?

It's not banter and it's not mickeytaking. Trust me I have seen my friends have banter with their brothers and it is nothing at all like what I deal with. Hell, even I happily take part in banter with my mates, i'm not uptight. What I deal with is venom, not pisstaking.

My brothers are very similar to each other whereas I am different to personality to all of them.

And no, I am not hiding anything. I am what you see, as I said, I won't hide what I enjoy.

astrofool · 29-07-2008 11:13am

My Own man wrote: »

Here is a few examples:

I don't go out on a Saturday or Friday and they start calling me a hermit. I am not a hermit, I always go out.

But not on Fridays or Saturdays, which would traditionally be the nights people go out with their friends.

My Own man wrote: »

I've lost a couple of stone in the past few years but all I get from them is negativity. "Excercise Bikes are crap, you should be pounding the streets like me."

Are you exercising in a gym, or in your own home? Why don't you go for a run with them?

My Own man wrote: »

They frequently insult my choice of college course, dismissing it as a woman's course.

This can be ignored, but if you're studying hairdressing, or being a nurse, then you're going to get some gentle ribbing from other people, and especially brothers, you can probably ignore this, but you're going to have to take that flak.

Just study hard, and make a success out of it, and it soon stops.

My Own man wrote: »

I'm a big fan of comic-book films and I don't hide it, they call me a "weirdo", that I'm "in to Heath Ledger and Christian Bale" and other dumb **** like that.

Nor should you hide it, but it will always be seen as a geeky past time.

My Own man wrote: »

Is that enough for you astro? I could go on.

There's nothing there that I'd see as being out of the ordinary between brothers, and it sounds like you're being a bit sensitive about it all, remember, they do care about you, and will worry that you're following a different path to what they did, but you're a grown man now, so presumably you've lived with them for a long time, why has this suddenly become a problem now? What other issues are piling up that is excacerbating what goes on between most brothers anyway?

If your parents are around, do they say the same things? It could be that your parents are very soft on you, and your brothers feel that they should fill that gap to get you off your ass (for example).

Under Pressure

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