Losing my marbles over a guy

LegacyUser

I like my friend. I think my interest in him is developing into something extremely unhealthy (well, I don’t think it’s been healthy for quite a while now if I’m honest) and I’m starting to worry about my mental health. I’ve been pretty besotted with him for quite a while. There have been times where he’s seemed interested in me and friends have thought there was something there but, the whole thing’s been really ambiguous, I can’t be certain. Anyway, I don’t think there’s anything between us now. Just a change in atmosphere or what have you.

As it’s summer, I don’t see him as much and at first this was good. I thought I could get over it. In the last month or so though, I’ve become exceedingly paranoid about pretty much everything to do with him and his actions (see him once in a while in a group setting)… in particular with relation to one of my friends, I’ve gotten it into my head that they like each other. Well, some days I’ll think ‘he likes her, definitely’ or vice-versa and some days I’ll think it’s mutual (I sound so stupid!). It’s eating me up inside to be honest. Common-sense seems to have gone out the window. If they like each other there’s not much I can do about it anyway but, I’m obsessed with the whole thing.

Does anyone have any advice as to what I could do? How can I get past this/be less crazy? I see/will see this person a lot. I should probably say that we were/are (I don’t really know anymore) good friends.

The Mighty Ken

anongurl wrote: »

Does anyone have any advice as to what I could do?

Emmm... ask him if he'd like to go out some time maybe? Either that or you could hang around obsessing about him, hoping that something will eventually happen and then see him end up with another girl. In the words of Liam Gallagher "You gotta make it happen"

tbh

can I just say, what you are going through is not unusual - it's just unrequited love. It's the most intense love you'll ever know, and my jaysus does it wreck your head. So, don't think that this is a sign of something wrong with you - it happens to all of us at one time or another. You'll just have to take my word for it when I tell you it won't last forever.

MJOR

For what its worth I don't think you're crazy....

On the other hand you have Pi$$ or get off the pot!!

Tell him or move on.

Good Luck x:D

Dragan

You have given no reason why you can't just idicatee to the guy that you like him.

No wonder girls are crazy!

In all seriousness, try asking him out for a drink, have some fun, go for a kiss...see what happens?

Harlow

How do you act around him when you're out together/with friends? And if you did get together, where would your feelings go? He may not even live up to the expectations you have of the two of you in a relationship.

Saying that, there's nothing worse than just not knowing! So, arrange to go out just the two of you. The minute you see him arrive, whats your first response emotionally & physically. If friends notice that they think something's there thats a fairly good indication that they're noticing something in both of you.

I got together with one of my best friends after 10yrs of being buddies. Although for about 6yrs we admittedly hooked up every now & again if we were both single at the same time. I used get twinges of jealousy whenever I saw him with another girl or if he ended up dating her for a couple yrs, but never gave weight to an actual relationship with him despite knowing he wanted more from me. I just wasn't the settling down type! I did quite a bit of traveling & it was while nearly a year in Korea & 8mths with an American boyfriend that it all changed. Even remember it clearly, walking down a street in a group of people meaning to call out my b/f's name & out of nowhere just shouted 'Steve'. Confused year-long obsession begins.

To keep a long story short, bar 2 weeks at home where he gave me the hug of all hugs that lets you know you're still wanted & a further 9mths globe-trotting, I finally ended it with the poor american lad (who was back in USA since Korea) & got it oficially together once & for all with my best friend. Not one single person we know was surprised. In fact massive sighs of relief all round! Not to say we don't have ups & downs. It can be a bit of an adjustment but I do think that even after this past year of being in each other's pockets, saying/meaning we love each other & planning a future, we could if it came to it just be friends again.

So, suss out your own situation. Suggest drinks out/movie together & see what his reaction is. Get your friends opinions. What do they really think? If its positive, go for it. It only took me 6yrs to come to my senses!

Wurly

If I were you, i'd talk to him.

Its up to you how intense you want to make the conversation. A casual invite for drinks or tell him that you like him etc.

I personally hate being stuck in limbo. I'd prefer to know one way or another.

I've turned into a crazy b1tch over guys before. It happens to us all once in a while. We'd never dare admit it though.:rolleyes: So everyone it happens to, thinks they're the only one. Worry not.:)

I think you'll have to talk to him one way or another. It appears you will not be able to forget him until you know where you stand.

Also, for what its worth, jumping to conclusions is extremely dangerous and can mess with your head in a huge way. It also alters how you behave and if your reasons are unfounded, your behaviour will come across as odd to others. Next time you do this, ask yourself - 'what evidence do I have to back this up?'. That helps me to not let my thoughts run away with themselves.

Talk to him. What's the worst that can happen? You get rejected. Yeah, that would suck. But at least you get to move on then.

There is also a possibility that he feels the same.....

Good luck.x

MJOR

Tri is so right... sometimes we all act a little crazy when it comes to men!:o

LegacyUser

Thanks for all of the comments. They've really helped to diffuse the paranoia. It's reassuring to know none of you think I'm crazy! I don't know what it is about this particular situation that has me feeling this way.

RE: potentially asking him out/telling him - he'd have to be pretty dumb not to know I like him or for it not to have even crossed his mind at least that there was something weird going on. Plus, as I said, things have changed. If he was interested, I don't think things are the same now. It might be silly to make this assumption but, I'm a complete chicken anyway!!

trio

Unrequited love is the most powerful, and dangerous type of love there is.

I really did lose a couple of entire years over it in my twenties. It was hugely damaging to my emotional health, as well as being exhausting. I was shattered all the time, just trying to deal with my paranoia.

So I would NOT indulge it. Otherwise it will just go on and on and on and on. In a years time, do you want to be still in the same obsessive state? You will be, unless you get firm with yourself.

In my case, even in the midst of my obsession, I was able to acknowledge that quite possibly there was nothing wrong with me, that he just saw me as a pal, and that if there had ever been any chance then my intensity had pretty much killed it. And I didn't blame him for that - personally I'd prefer a less-intense guy over an intense one! And I could also acknowledge that he was a pleasant guy who hadn't treated me at all badly - he just didn't feel the same.

BUT acknowledging something and clearing your mind of obsession are two completely different things.

In my case, only one thing helped. And that was complete avoidance. This is difficult when you don't want them to think you're a psycho for cutting off contact "for no reason". If you don't want alarm bells to ring with him and the rest of your group, then you'll have to be subtle about it. You don't see him much now it's summer - next time a gang is getting together, claim a stomach bug at last minute. That'll give you more breathing space. Then take it as the occasions arise.

Yes, it is fairly full on. Yes, it is disruptive to your social life, trying to avoid him. But it is my firm belief that in unrequited love, what feeds it is contact, and all the fantasies that it inevitably triggers. You come home afterwards and lie awake in the dark, turning over every innocent word, every friendly smile....the torture starts afresh.

You HAVE to make him fade a bit in your mind. You HAVE to be tough with yourself. This is a drug - you've got to stop going back to get more.

seahorse

Dragan wrote: »

You have given no reason why you can't just idicatee to the guy that you like him.

No wonder girls are crazy!

In all seriousness, try asking him out for a drink, have some fun, go for a kiss...see what happens?

OP, you should take this advice.

I once developed a serious crush on a male friend of mine; I asked him out for a drink and stuck the lips on him after a few pints. Six years down the line we're still together and happy as larks most of the time.

Just go for it; you never know where it'll lead but if you don’t at least try you'll always regret that. My motto for living is this: If you're ever faced with two choices and you don’t know which way to go, take the route that'll leave you with no 'what if's'. They're the worst sort of regrets, and what makes them worst is that they were entirely avoidable but not avoided. That is just so frustrating!!! It is always better to regret something you did do than something you didn’t. So again - Just go for it!

jdivision

anongurl wrote: »

he'd have to be pretty dumb not to know I like him or for it not to have even crossed his mind at least that there was something weird going on. Plus, as I said, things have changed. If he was interested, I don't think things are the same now. It might be silly to make this assumption but, I'm a complete chicken anyway!!

It could be that he's afraid of messing up your friendship by trying it on. So let him know