GF's demands

banquo

this is a shorty.

New gf, been seeing her 3 to 4 months. crazy about her.

I've an ex gf in canada who i don't really like, wasn't very nice, and only talk to her 2 or 3 times a year for 15-30 mins at a time.

new gf wants to me cut off all contact with her. she asks lots of things, the most recent thing being to quit smoking, even though she herself smokes, ableit not nearly as much as me (5 or 6 a day, only 4 days a week, compared to my 20 a day)

on one hand, i'm crazy about this girl, which is unusual for me. on the other, i don't think it's really any of her business who i'm friends with and don't like being told who i can and cannot talk to.

it'a material vs principal. let communal wisdom decide.

note; all lower-case because the shift key doesn't work on this keyboard.

LolaLuv

Ditch her. It will only get worse.

Mimikyu

This post has been deleted.

MagicMarker

Does she have any male friends?

Tell her she can no longer see them.

Tell her you'll quit smoking if she looses weight.

Tell her to **** right off...

davyjose

It's maybe irrelevent to ask why the hell you're still talking to the ex, but ... why the hell are you still talking to the ex?

Having said that, her demands seem to me, to be a little bit possesive. It's like she's not willing to accept you had a past; it also suggests jealousy issues, which have the potential to eventually become VERY high-maintenance, in my experience.
The smoking thing seems like she's trying to control the details that she isn't happy with, which again could be problematic for you, down the road. The fact is though, if she herself smokes, then it's super-hypocritical; i.e. what she does defines the limits of acceptability.

But then, you really like her, so maybe you gotta accept nobody is perfect. Including you, if you think talking to your horrible ex is in no way her business. I mean, after 3-4 months it's not, but eventually it will be.

So maybe you should both just lighten up a little? Maybe?

DonkeyStyle \o/

You really have to wonder where her list of demands will end, or if it ever will... at some point you're going to have to say no to something... might as well find out early on if she's going to be a head-wrecking, manipulative, baby about it.

c - 13

You can obviously see the fact that she is asking you to quit smoking when she smokes herself is her being a pure hypocrite ?

It looks to me like she's pushing her boundaries at the moment ot see how much she can get away with to be honest.

If you want to stay with her then try not to give in to her demands. If she feels like she can gain any victories over you on this the demands will get constantly worse/more stupid.

Personally, I would call it a day if she keeps this up as you will end up unhappy. I know from personal experience.

Wibbs

Hypocrisy is one of the worst traits to find in someone. The smoking is one example and I suspect it may the tip of the iceberg. In any case it's not about the smoking or the ex it's about control. Money on it that the mates that she doesn't like will be next.

She sounds like a DIY woman. Analogous to someone finding a "fixer-upper" house ie you and going about improving. Like the DIYer, they either never finish the project to their satisfaction or when they do, they sell on to look for the bigger challenge. So down the line, she'll either get bored as you resist or contrarily she'll get bored even quicker if you go along with this for a Quiet Life tm. With a woman like this, you will have to play a cat and mouse push and pull game to keep her interest. It's never worth it.

pickarooney

Did you ask you to quit smoking because she's giving up herself?

Jack Sheehan

It will most likely get worse, more and more demands.

Gordon

It'll just keep coming, indeed. Tell her you'll give up smoking if she does (hey, it's good to give up so give in on that demand!). And tell her that you find it disturbing that she wishes you to cut contact with anyone at all in your life. You don't need to be aggressive or dump her, just make it clear that the relationship will not dominate you, you are both adults.

Wibbs

m83 banned for a week for off topic post.

gogglebok

She does sound unreasonable. What you can do about it is another matter. Have you argued it out with her?

The early period of a relationship is when a lot of the rules are set, and I don't see how you can reasonably agree to rules like these. Would you be happy with a girflriend who decides who you can talk to? A partner who demands sacrifices from you that she isn't willing to make?

I'm not saying you should dump her, but I think you need to sit her down and calmly and forcefully discuss what your boundaries are.

sam34

i'd be giving this one her p45 if it was me. the hypocrisy of her is staggering. she'll only get worse, imo. you dont need that headwreck.

banquo

yeah, ok seems everyone has concurred with what i thought. 12 seconds opinions in the bag...

cheers gang.

Ian Beale

The whole smoking thing is going to far if she isnt quitting herself however she may see your ex as a threat and tbh if you dont like your ex why do you talk to her anymore, saying you dont like her and then your talking to her....that would be nagging away in the back of my mind if i was in that position

Overheal

i dont see how any smoker has a right to tell another smoker to quit. she sounds like she has a real issue thinking her **** doesnt stink. asking to hang up the canadian isnt a big thing. but id take resentment to the smoking issue.

you can either dump her or work it out but dont do nothing.

Flojo

MagicMarker wrote: »

Does she have any male friends?

Tell her she can no longer see them.

Tell her you'll quit smoking if she looses weight.

Tell her to **** right off...

Lool made me giggle +1

@OP Hope you manage to sort it out

banquo

+1 to the giggling.

It's not that she's jealous, she just hates the girl. She's never met her but resents some pretty bad stuff to me. I don't know why i still talk to the canadian but it was years ago and we only speak like 3 times a year. I reckon the gf might just be looking out for me. On the other hand, I don't like being given an ultimatum over choosing my friends..

Jack Sheehan

banquo wrote: »

yeah, ok seems everyone has concurred with what i thought. 12 seconds opinions in the bag...

cheers gang.

No Problem chief.

Toots

I can understand why she might be uncomfortable with you talking to your ex, but in all fairness she lives in a different country and you only speak a couple of times a year! I'd be telling her that you have no intention of quitting smoking unless she does likewise. I got my OH to quit smoking, but the difference is that I don't smoke. And I never said to him that he had to quit, we were moving in together and I said that there was gonna be no smoking in the apartment, if he wanted a fag he could go on the balcony for one. He just gave up cos it was too much hassle to go out in the cold :P

I agree with everyone else here who says this is probably only the tip of the iceberg. It probably will be mates of yours who she's not keen on who will be next in the line of fire. Then it'll be that you won't be 'allowed' to go for nights out without her, and if you do you'll be in the doghouse for about a week after, etc etc.

If you're really into her, sit her down and explain that you're your own man and you're not going to be told what to do. If she can't accept that, then it's off to dumpsville with her.

MJOR

She has no right to tell you who you may or may not speak to however maybe ahe feels like there is still feelings there.

We all make little changes when we enter a relationship that much is true but hr demands are a little dictatorish

LegacyUser

the fact that you are even posting this here is a bad sign.

why would you let a woman control you and make your decisions?

if she has a problem with anything you do, let her know where the door is. She has to know that you are your own man and can live happily without her so she better get in line and stop trying to tell you what to do.

My main girlfriend wouldn't even dream of telling me seriously to do anything. She knows I just want to have fun and have a good time when we are together. She would be scared to jeopardise our relationship in any way because she KNOWS I will downgrade her and get a new girlfriend ASAP.

learn from my mentality

Wibbs

banquo wrote: »

It's not that she's jealous, she just hates the girl. She's never met her but resents some pretty bad stuff to me.

So she doesn't know her and has never met her and you only talk to this person 3 times a year? The resent bit is a smokescreen IMHO.

I reckon the gf might just be looking out for me

If this was something more regular or was affecting you directly that might hold water. In this case it doesn't, mainly because she's actually giving you more grief than the ex who you resent.

Is this canadian ex your "big" ex? If so, it's jealousy on the part of your current girlfriend, or insecurity that she doesn't match up to the ex in your emotions. You loved her more than you love her kinda thing.

This insecurity could also be at the root of the ciggies. If she gave up herself or didn't smoke then fine, but again it sounds like insecurity coming out as control.

On the other hand, I don't like being given an ultimatum over choosing my friends..

Well then don't take it. Sit down and tell her you don't see what her problem is. If it's because the ex hurt you well then that's your problem not hers and as you only say hello 3 times a year, then you don't need this brought up.

banquo

Problem solved.

Wibbs, you rock, as do the rest of ye.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Ian Beale wrote: »

The whole smoking thing is going to far if she isnt quitting herself however she may see your ex as a threat and tbh if you dont like your ex why do you talk to her anymore, saying you dont like her and then your talking to her....that would be nagging away in the back of my mind if i was in that position

The smoking thing isn't really as bad as it seems. He's smoking six or seven times the amount she is. Social smoker's cough is nothing on 20a day smoker's cough.

You wouldn't call a an alchoholic's wife a hypocrite for having a few drinks with her mates because she nags him not to drink.

As for the ex thing, surely you could just not tell her about calling the ex 2-3 times a year. Obviously there's nothing in it so I wouldn't see it as being much more than a white lie.

MagicMarker

banquo wrote: »

Problem solved.

Wibbs, you rock, as do the rest of ye.

Did you tell her why? What was her response?

McGinty

She sounds like a DIY woman. Analogous to someone finding a "fixer-upper" house ie you and going about improving. Like the DIYer, they either never finish the project to their satisfaction or when they do, they sell on to look for the bigger challenge. So down the line, she'll either get bored as you resist or contrarily she'll get bored even quicker if you go along with this for a Quiet Life tm. With a woman like this, you will have to play a cat and mouse push and pull game to keep her interest. It's never worth it.

Wow wise words Wibbs (now there some alliteration) but anyhow I know someone very close to me who is just like this. Op, if this is the case I would urge you to get rid NOW, because you may have become her latest project, and based on the above piece of wisdom, the female i know who is like this has a huge amount of problems (that she refuses to acknowledge or deal with) and insteads tries to fix others, which ends in disaster for everyone.