Ex not allowed in house

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I recently got back together with an ex that my friends hate. I mean they really really despise him.
He did something to me that was awful but I have healed and have forgiven him. We have a huge history
and I'm happier when he is in my life.

I'm not expceting them to jump for joy that we're back together and I don't talk about him to them (that's a
rule they have....don't say the 'S' word) but now they've come to me and said he's not allowed in the house.

They are amazing friends and are just looking out for me but this is a terrible situation. They own the house and
I'm renting. I love living there so there's no way I'd move but how can I get them to understand that he is gonna
be there sometimes. I have said that he won't be anywhere but my room and won't be there during the day.
Basically, I''ll meet him in the evening at the weekend, he'll stay over and he'll go home the next day.

His house is not an option. I'm not gonna go into why but it isn't.

Are they being unfair and should I just accept this? Sigh..

RedXIV

OK, hypothetically here now OP, if i had a friend and for example he had been violent towards her, i would 100% endorse the "he's not allowed in the house" rule if they decided to get back together again. I'd hope that using this, she'd understand that:

1) i wholeheartedly disapprove of her going back to him and

2) If he was around me after knowing what he did, his life would be in danger.

This may be a case of you following your heart instead of your head and your friends are looking out for you. And then again it might not be. it's hard to judge without knowing what he did but yes, i can understand how your friends might do this

takola

I think we'd need to know more about what brought them to the point of despising him that much OP.

Otherwise we can't look at it and tell you what we think because we really don't have the necessary information?

The way it stands at the moment is it's their house, they don't like him and he's not allowed in. I don't know what he did so I can't say if I think it's unfair or not. Nor can I tell you how to convince them.

Do you think you could share anymore information at all?

corcors

Without knowing the finer details of what happened and what he did to you its hard to say. But you did mention yourself that yourself and your OH had a long history and no doubt your friends have stood by you in all of this and are obviously not happy with you getting back together.

Maybe they're are just sick of picking up the pieces hence the reason they don't want to talk about him or see him.

Tbh if its their place and they feel that strongly there's not much you can do but respect their wishes. Personally I wouldn't want someone I despised in my own home

StormWarrior

Their house, their rules. Deal with it or move.

WilmaRidesAgain

OP,

I think you will have to accept it, its their house and although you have opted to forgive him, they haven't which is their right.....

Its up to your BF to build bridges with them, not the other way around, you will just have to hope for the best.

If he really has changed he will demonstrate this over time to them and they will likely thaw twords him, thats if he keeps his nose clean and they can see you are happy.

However, dont get your hopes up too high, remember they aint in love with him and may be able to see him more objectively than you can....

I hope things work out though, people can change but they have to earn trust not demand it!

Cheers
Wilma

MagicMarker

Indeed...

By your own words he did something that was awful. It's plain to see that your friends are unhappy that you're back together and probably feel it was very stupid on your part.

So instead of grinning and bearing it, they've decided to not put up with it by refusing to let him stay in the house. And they are perfectly right to do so,

The only thing you can do is move out, but beware. If he hurt you before, then he can hurt you again, and if you choose him over your friends, then they may not be there for you next time.

jellie

As others have said, cant really comment without knowing what he did. But i know id need to have a fairly strong reason to say he cant come into the house.

you obviously have good friends who care for you. people dont make rules like that lightly. sometimes people outside of a relationship can better judge a character than someone in it blinded by love.

pookie82

I'm tempted to say their house, their rules like most people on here. And to be honest, it sounds like he did something pretty awful to be banned from their presence entirely. Question is what.... If it were cheating or messing around, then awful as that is, it's between you and him ultimately. If it involved violence, I can see why they would dislike having a guy prone to throwing punches around in their house and if he seriously injured their best friend in the past, why would they want him setting foot through the door.

HOWEVER, I've been in this situation with mates a LOT. A few of my good friends have been/still are/have gotten back with proper scumbags. Some have cheated, some have been physically abusive, some have just been sh*ts in general. Although I've often been in a situation where I've wanted to shake them till their eyes popped out for getting back with them/putting up with it all, at the end of the day I've learned that if someone is blindly in love they're not going to listen to even the soundest of sense and are going to have to learn their own lesson.

So I've learned to be there for my mates whenever they've been let down, not to say I told you so, and to help them through the bad times. Some of these guys really make my skin crawl but I have to respect my mates' decision, no matter how vile the guy, cos they're my friends. And I owe it to them to be there to pick up the pieces without judgement if it all falls apart. People are going to make crazy decisions in the name of love. They're going to stay with cheaters and as*holes if they think they love them enough and I soon learned that no amount of friendly advice, or harsh condemnation, no matter how appreciated, will change that in the majority of cases.

Having said all of that, if this guy was physically violent and endangered your health or safety then they have a right not to want him in the house. And you should definitely be questioning getting back with a guy who provokes this response in your closest friends. But if it was issues between you and him that was the problem then I think in the end, no matter how pissed off we get with our mates' bad choices, as true friends we owe it to them to respect their decisions and at least be polite. At least that's the way I feel.

Aurora Borealis

Friends can get too involved in peoples relationships sometimes. A friend of mine refused to speak ever again to guy I was going out with before over things that happened in that relationship despite my continued protestations. It does beg the question why they are so anti this guy but ultimately it's your life, your decision and your room that you pay rent for.

Awayindahils

To second what has been said already, friends can at times not help ut get involved. They care about you too and they don't want to see you get hurt. When it becomes clear that you are going to put yourself back in a situation where you have been hurt before it becomes difficult for friends to condone the action. As such they set rules. I've been on the recieving end of all this sort of thing and it sucks, but your friends do really care about you, or at least I hope yours care about you as much as mine do about me. A harsh action may be the only way they see of getting throuhg to you.

And yes it may work. No one wants their friends to be unhappy, so if it does work, and its really working, not just the good bits are great, then you're going to need to find a way to compremise between your friends and your boyfriend. You need them both in your life and constantly picking between them is going to be the biggest strain on you.

BubbleWrap85

Obviously if they're such good friends & they don't approve, there must be good reason.

Boyfriends come & go but friends are [usually] there for life. If they see something wrong with him coming over, and are unhappy that you're back with him, I'd trust them.

Love is blind. You need your friends. And especially as you're renting with them it wouldn't do to upset things & have things awkward. I think you should trust their judgement.

As was previously said, as there has been a long history between you & your boyfriend, they have undoubtedly stuck by you and helped you through it. Only you know whether they are true friends or not, but if they are, I'd trust them. They clearly have reasons for their decision.