Loveless marriage

stillwater

i'm 29 years old, two kids and in a marriage where I dont love my husband anymore and he doesn't love me. i'm so lonely and really low at the moment. I don't know what to do. we got together 10 years ago, when I fell pregnant three months into our relationship (stupid i know), got married a couple of years later, got a house, had another child. it all kinda moved too fast. i got really old before my time. we've fallen out with most of our friends/family over the years because we both have been so unhappy with each other. looking back now i think we took our unhappiness out on them. i'm sure they've all see this coming. we just didn't have the guts to let go. the kids are our lives. we work opposite shifts, go out with the kids and that's it. i honestyly can't remember the last time i laughed. i've spent the last five years in front of the tv most nights on my own (he works nights + kids in bed) and if i'm honest with a glass of wine. we don't go out together anymore and when we do, we're starring blankly at each other. we've so fallen out of love that we've nothing to say to each other anymore. it all came to a crunch a month ago, because i was so depressed. we went away on our own for a weekend to see if we could sort things, decide to for the kids sake but we've come back now to reality and nothing has changed. i'm so lonely and sad. i feel trapped in this house , trapped in a loveless marriage. i haven't said anything to my family or friends as it's all too raw. i don't want people to say i told you so, to gossip. it v painful. we got together too young and now we're both stuck in an unhappy marriage for the kids sake and to save face with parents/family. it's a **** life.
anyone else in the same boat, any advice?

Victor

I realise that this might be cold consolation, but at least it seems like you don't hate each other. Theres no violence, no cheating, no substance abuse (well I hope its the one glass of wine ), no financial problems (although you do both seem to work a lot). So there might be hope yet.

Perhaps its about putting a spark back into the marriage - that you went for that weekend sounds like you are both at least willing to try something.

Could I suggest that you contact one of the marriage guidance agencies - there is Accord, Relate and a few others, with some operating independently. Some have religious backgrounds, but they don't care about your background - they just want to help you with your marriage.

ramtha

Splitting up can't be much worse than what that sounds like. Might not be that simple but back being single for a while is what I would like if I was in that situation and had the finances etc..to allow myself that space.

McGinty

Hi Op

Whilst I have not experienced what you went through myself, my current partner has, he married very young and was in a loveless marriage for 16 years, at the time he stayed for the sake of committment (they had no kids) but it was an empty existence for them both. Neither of them spoke properly and it only ended because his ex wife went of with someone else. If you decide to stay together for the sake of the kids, you will need to work on your relationship, staying together for the sake of the kids is not enough and you both may be better of being apart. It will be tough initially (I am divorced and one aspect I can share with you is that I fought with my family over my ex) at the end of the day, the opinions of others does not matter, this is your life and you can spend the next 10, 20, 30 or 40 years in a souless marriage, being miserable to please the begrudgers, or you can end it now, go through some initial horrible pain but in the long term reshape your life and maybe meet someone who is special. When I left my ex-husband, I waited until I found the right man for me, and I waited a long, long time, I am glad my patience paid off (ten years) but I have found the right man for me, equally my partner has found the right woman in me and didn't know he could experience such happiness. I guess what I am trying to say is that ending a marraige is very hard and it takes real courage, but if you remain in the same situation, nothing changes. Having said that if there is anything worth salvaging maybe accord or marriage counselling is the way to go.

estar

if you think the kids dont notice and arent being affected then you are wrong. kids are usually far more aware of things than people give them credit for. what kind of lesson are you setting for them and what kind of pattern for their own lives? if something makes you really unhappy and you have tried your best you must sacrifice all your happiness to keep up appearances.

you can't be free, you can't make the best decision for yourself in a bad situation. you must stay unhappy and unfulfilled. your children will grow up with an image of marraige as being unhappy. of having the guilt of knowing their parents stuck together just for them.

is it fair to place that burden upon them. my aunt and uncle had a very unhappy marraige, and their legacy lives on in their children, who all couldnt wait to just get away from them. they would criticise each other in front of people, fight in public, were utterly miserable to be around, and drove everyone away. just because divorce wasnt allowed back then. divorce is acceptable now.

get down off the cross. see what needs to be done and do it.
make a plan that you live near each other, share the kids and have happy lives with other people.

for the sake of your children and yourselves.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Would you get on if you were seperated? I think parents getting on would make all the difference for kids dealing with divorce

LegacyUser

Hey OP I kind of know what you're going through, but from the daughter's perspective.

My parents are married 22 years, both in early 40's. Had me when my mam was 19, got married v soon after. I have 2 other siblings, youngest in his late teens.

They don't love each other. They fight. My dad I think is quite obsessive. He's controlling & jealous. A few of the fights they've had before he's said "Sure she won't even do anything. No kisses or anything". That's what it came down to for him. No sex. He's not even an affectionate person. I don't know how my mum sticks him. She didn't have any money to go elsewhere or rent. She only works parttime. he doesn't have a lot of money either. We live in the family home.

I'm sick of the arguing. I do believe it's affected me and affected my perceptions of what relationships should be like. I dont see how wthey were ever in love. Certainly hasn't been in the last couple of years. She'd be so much better off without him. Id on't know why she hasn't left. I suppose because of us. I'd be happier if she did though. In the long term. i know she's unhappy. He makes her cry. Thankfully he doesn't drink, because I dread to think what he would do if he did.

Sorry if I've hijacked your thread. Just wanted you to know that there are other couples in the same boat. Similar situation. I'd say you should both leave it. If you've tried, and you seem to have given things a go, then the only option is to separate amicably (sp?). However it is easy to fall out of love, and relationships need to be worked at to keep the spark there. Other people may be able to help you in that regard, but as I said, life is too short to stay in a loveless marriage. I wish my parents would see the light.

stillwater

thanks for comments/advice. they're all valid. i need to think things through and make a decision.

Hi OP. Sorry to read about your situation. Are you SURE you have fallen out of love? From what I read it just seems to be that you are stuck in a rut. You don't say you fight and argue. Ye went out together one night and stared at each other? So what - that doesn't mean a thing. I'm married 16 years now. We RARELY go out. Last time was last Christmas 12 months and I'm sure we spent most of the time in silence too. It doesn't bother us and it certainly doesn't mean we're not in love. ( I was 17 & he was 21 when we met. First and only boyfriend.) Does hubby have to work nights always? Can he not change to days? You need a change in routine. Can you go out to a class? Join a gym? Invite friends around and cook a big meal together with lots of laughs in the process. Think outside the box and I'm sure it will work out. I hope it does. Best of luck

decies

OsciiBoscii wrote: »

Hi OP. Sorry to read about your situation. Are you SURE you have fallen out of love? From what I read it just seems to be that you are stuck in a rut. You don't say you fight and argue. Ye went out together one night and stared at each other? So what - that doesn't mean a thing. I'm married 16 years now. We RARELY go out. Last time was last Christmas 12 months and I'm sure we spent most of the time in silence too. It doesn't bother us and it certainly doesn't mean we're not in love. ( I was 17 & he was 21 when we met. First and only boyfriend.) Does hubby have to work nights always? Can he not change to days? You need a change in routine. Can you go out to a class? Join a gym? Invite friends around and cook a big meal together with lots of laughs in the process. Think outside the box and I'm sure it will work out. I hope it does. Best of luck

Very good comments, work on your marriage half the country seems to be seperated at this stage do you really want to add to that statistic,the grass is not always greener on the other side.If all the married people who dont talk anymore gave up on their marriage the world would be a complete mess.
Best of luck anyway.

insomnia08

I would give myself a timeframe to save the marriage and work really hard on it: date again, planning special things, going to councelling, tak about it etc..but if still the situation does not make you happy, take some time away from each other (sometimes abscence makes the heart grow fonder..), and in the last instance..divorce...

But DO something about it, for your own sake. You have to take care of yourself and don´t get depressed.

good luck

Kazobel

I never understand why people just jump into marriage like this, it's a long term thing but sometimes people don't seem to see that, it boggles the mind.

OP it's not all lost, you don't sound like you hate him so do what you feel is best but do it right, he doesn't sound like a bad person so if breaking up is the only option do it as friends, remember you both love the kids, don't screw him for money, he'll need some too because chances are you'll get the house and he'll need a deposit, just remember you made the decision to marry him just as much as he made the decision to marry you, don't punish him for that and don't stop him seeing his kids. It sounds like you're both just going through the montions, at this point all you can do is make it as easy as possible on both of you or stick around to the bitter end and both be unhappy for the next few years. You don't want that.

MJOR

Would you go to accord or something? It sound like the lack of time spent together is a factor in the relationships decline. Are either of you in a position to switch jobs so you could see each other more?

You loved each other once remember that.

If you have fallen out of love and don't think you can love him again then parting ways is wise.

Best of luck x

The Sweeper

OP if you tried a weekend together on your own, but it made no difference, that means you both recognise that there's a problem.

Would it be possible for you both to have a trial separation? It already seems you spend nearly all of your time apart. Perhaps try doing it officially - then make a "date" once a week, perhaps he could come around on a Sunday and you all have dinner as a family?

As others have said, is there fighting, nastiness, sniping, bitterness, arguments? Is there any communication at all? If there's communication, but no rows, you could be in a position to approach this very maturely and both be honest about how you feel.

Finally: if you don't communicate with your partner, NEVER assume you know how they feel. You're sitting there thinking "We got married too young, our marriage is a failure, I feel like my life is over, he doesn't love me", and he could be thinking "She's so miserable, I feel like such a failure, I wish I could make it right for her, but she hates me so I'll just ignore her so she feels like she can leave, that way she can blame me."

A long stretch maybe, but you never know if you don't communicate...