Problems with girl I'm seeing...opinions please

LegacyUser

Where to start.

Okay, I've been seeing this girl for the past month or so. Texting each other near enough everyday.

About 3 weeks into it, we decide to have the "where is this going" chat.
During this chat, I said to her since we've been seeing each other, I haven't even taken interest in any other girls. I said I like her and would rather focus on the one thing. She counters this by telling me she hasn't, and that she has been with other fellas.

I'm still okay with this. I mean, we're not in a relationship or anything. She says that she doesn't want to get into a relationship with me because we'll both be parting in sept for different colleges and she doesn't want to get attached and then have me leave.

Although, I disagree (My idea would be to just go for it) - I tell her I understand, and that I'm not going to pressure her into anything. She goes on to say that she really does like me and wishes I wasn't going away. She says if I was staying, things would be different.

Me, her and a friend went out for drinks one night, and my friend who was out with me the previous weekend blurted out that some woman was trying to get with me in a nightclub. She asks me why I didn't go for it, and I replied, because I'm not like that. After a long conversation (cofused by the fact she was saying I should have), I ask her what she would have done in the same situation. She says she would have went for it. I was taken back, but decided that this was obviously going to be a bit more casual than I previously thought.

So the next topic of conversation is the "so where does that leave us" chat.
We come to a decision that, we're both single people, who enjoy each others company but we're not in a relationship and we're not bound to one another.

So we keep texting each other, go out for the odd drink etc and we are both CRYSTAL clear on where we stand with each other.

Last night...sigh.
I was out last night with my mates in a nightclub (this is also the place where the girl works - let's call her girl A).

Usually when I'm in the club, I'd go over and have a chat with her. Keep her company ye know (she works in the coatroom). Bear in mind, this is the first night in the club since "the chat". She's been very cold the last day or two and she's pretty much the same here. I decide to take her advice. I bid her goodnight and say I'll chat to her later. I'm single - as it's been made dreadfully clear to me - so, I'm off to enjoy myself.

I meet a girl I know (lets call her girl . We're getting along great, havin the craic. Doin the usual. Gorgeous little thing btw.

My mate was with girl B's sister and we all decided it was time to leave and get our coats.

I make damn sure there's no hanky panky going on between me and girl B when girl A is around. That would just be acting the complete c ock.

Girl B is oblivious to the whole thing and is holding my hand. I'm feeling wholy awkward because my mate is with girl B's sister..at the cloakroom and girl B wants to wait on her. I refrain from kissing her or even getting all huggy.

So finally, we all get our coats and head out. I get a text message from girl A..that goes along the lines of "thanks for making a bad night even worse. Do me a favour and never speak to me again. You have some cheek"

o...m...g
I was stunned. This is coming from the person who wanted single-dom, didn't want a commitment and has been with other people herself.

Now, I can't help the fact that she works in the nightclub, but at the same time I'm not going to put my life on hold either.

My mate, who is very close friends with girl A agrees with me on the fact that she is completely out of line.

She turned down a commitment, she turned down a relationship, she turned down exclusivity.

Is there something eluding my feeble male mind here? Have I acted the prat? I usually pride myself on being an understanding person. I like to separate myself from the other 90% of idiotic fellas out there who treat women like ****e.

Anyway, advice is needed. All questions will be answered and any help will be appreciated

EcoGirl

I think she's being a dog in the manger. Doesn't want you but doesn't want anybody else to have you.

IMO you havne't done anything wrong. Fair play for being a decent guy and treating girls right.

She can't have it both ways.

Either take her at her word and don't talk to her again.

Or ask her, "Well, which is it? Single with no ties, or committed?" This is assuming you even still want to be with her.

How did it end up with girl B, that would surely influence what you want to do.

challengemaster

Advice? forget about "girl A", get yourself setup with girl B and enjoy yourself. She's just playing you.

Zambia

Odd bunny that one ... roll on September:D

Bottle_of_Smoke

Okay, she's probably just being territorial & annoyed, but in fairness, being with another girl in the place she works was out of order.

Lets say you were in the cloakroom & you saw her there with some guy & you knew that she knew you were there. Come on.

I know you made the point about nothing going on when girl A was nearby but do you not think she might have pointed you out to a co-worker. That must have been humilliating for her. Regardless of "crystal-clear" talks

I reckon you pull the "you were being cold, I offer you an actual commitment & you imply nothing's going to happen"

spinandscribble

tbh from her point of view it might have looked like you were trying to rub it in her face. i agree that you are in the right but the girl must like you to some extent to ever go anyway near ya so it wasn't going to be nice for her to see you holding hands with your one. maybe its not cool to hook up with ppl in front of eachother in her rule book? i think you should agree to meet up. you have two choices:
a) break up with her on the spot.
b) explain that you thought it was ok and ask her what you did wrong and what does she actually want.

tbh i just could not handle a 'open relationship', its seriously idiotic. someone always gets hurt.

if i was you though, i'd go with a) but explain why and see how girl Bs doing.

Special K

In fairness, he tried his best. She made it quite obvious she would have went for it and the likes herself so why can't he? She can't have her cake and eat it. She's well out of order! OP, you've done nothing wrong & I'd say to her "Ties or no ties" and go from there, provided you still want to even be with her! Perhaps this is indicative of a controlling trait in her personality, in which case, you can thank your lucky stars!

COH

Burn girl A, enjoy girl B, then find girls C - Z and repeat :cool:

humanji

AS has been said, you did nothign wrong. Girl A has issues. If you still really like her then call her and explain everthing to her. But I'd say let it go. She's made it clear she'd do the same thing you'd do and now is complaining that you took her advice. F*ck her, you don't need the hassle.

entropi

I think girl A likes very hot water and rabbits yeah? Seriously she aint worth the hassle, she had her chance and let you know where she wanted to be. Now someone else wants you she cant handle it, she could have her cake and eat it but the shoe is on the other foot this time and she freaks out at you. Imagine if you actually HAD formed a relationship, how possessive would she be then? scary eh...:eek:

To summarise, stick with girl B and tell girl A to get lost.

McGinty

Hi Op

Girl A sounds like a headwrecker to be honest, she wants to have you hanging on a leash whilst she picks and chooses but you are not allowed the same. Personally I would have moved away from her when she said she wanted to see other people if I wanted to have an exclusive relationship.

RiotO

Even if girl A was only after a casual relationship with you, I don't think she deserved seeing you hook up with another girl in the same club. I'm sorry but that is the way I see it.

Miss Fluff

She made it clear she wants nothing serious but most likely feels you were rubbing her nose in it by scoring someone in front of her. I've had a couple of casual "relationships" where it has not been exclusive for either party but I still wouldn't be thrilled if I had seen them scoring in front of my face. I saw other people and so did they but details or a live display wasn't necessary. I know, very much a case of having your cake and eating it but that's just my spin on it.

StormWarrior

OP,you did nothing wrong, don't feel bad. I think the girl either has issues, or doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone else to have you. Maybe she wanted you to trail after her, begging for her to love you for a while so she could feel special. I think you should forget her, she is a headwrecker! I knew a girl a bit like that once and all her boyfriends ended up in tears, literally! Save yourself and don't have any more contact with her!

Milktrolley

yoregra wrote: »

Although, I disagree (My idea would be to just go for it) - I tell her I understand, and that I'm not going to pressure her into anything.

You've shown her understanding, you've refrained from rubbing it in her face as best you could, you've shown her respect. Girl A had no worries about telling you about guys she's met, preferably she wouldn't be working in the nightclub but that can't be helped.

She's being unreasonable, so I wouldn't worry about her too much. Show yourself the respect you've shown others, chat with her about it maybe but if she won't let it go, then let her go.

What sort of ages are ye roughly out of interest?

MagicMarker

If you and girl A aren't in a relationship, then forget about her and live your own life. She made her choice.

kowloon

Sounds like she wants all the sausage she can get but doesn't like sharing.
Theres a story about cakes and eating them that is very apt.
Stay away from her, you might catch something.

Overheal

I would break my rule in this case: Go up to her at a time of your choosing and tell her off. Then, go live your life

Or just follow the rulez and forget the whoore. whatever.

Carrigart Exile

yoregra wrote: »

Where to start.

Okay, I've been seeing this girl for the past month or so. Texting each other near enough everyday.

About 3 weeks into it, we decide to have the "where is this going" chat.
During this chat, I said to her since we've been seeing each other, I haven't even taken interest in any other girls. I said I like her and would rather focus on the one thing. She counters this by telling me she hasn't, and that she has been with other fellas.

I'm still okay with this. I mean, we're not in a relationship or anything. She says that she doesn't want to get into a relationship with me because we'll both be parting in sept for different colleges and she doesn't want to get attached and then have me leave.

Although, I disagree (My idea would be to just go for it) - I tell her I understand, and that I'm not going to pressure her into anything. She goes on to say that she really does like me and wishes I wasn't going away. She says if I was staying, things would be different.

Me, her and a friend went out for drinks one night, and my friend who was out with me the previous weekend blurted out that some woman was trying to get with me in a nightclub. She asks me why I didn't go for it, and I replied, because I'm not like that. After a long conversation (cofused by the fact she was saying I should have), I ask her what she would have done in the same situation. She says she would have went for it. I was taken back, but decided that this was obviously going to be a bit more casual than I previously thought.

So the next topic of conversation is the "so where does that leave us" chat.
We come to a decision that, we're both single people, who enjoy each others company but we're not in a relationship and we're not bound to one another.

So we keep texting each other, go out for the odd drink etc and we are both CRYSTAL clear on where we stand with each other.

Last night...sigh.
I was out last night with my mates in a nightclub (this is also the place where the girl works - let's call her girl A).

Usually when I'm in the club, I'd go over and have a chat with her. Keep her company ye know (she works in the coatroom). Bear in mind, this is the first night in the club since "the chat". She's been very cold the last day or two and she's pretty much the same here. I decide to take her advice. I bid her goodnight and say I'll chat to her later. I'm single - as it's been made dreadfully clear to me - so, I'm off to enjoy myself.

I meet a girl I know (lets call her girl . We're getting along great, havin the craic. Doin the usual. Gorgeous little thing btw.

My mate was with girl B's sister and we all decided it was time to leave and get our coats.

I make damn sure there's no hanky panky going on between me and girl B when girl A is around. That would just be acting the complete c ock.

Girl B is oblivious to the whole thing and is holding my hand. I'm feeling wholy awkward because my mate is with girl B's sister..at the cloakroom and girl B wants to wait on her. I refrain from kissing her or even getting all huggy.

So finally, we all get our coats and head out. I get a text message from girl A..that goes along the lines of "thanks for making a bad night even worse. Do me a favour and never speak to me again. You have some cheek"

o...m...g
I was stunned. This is coming from the person who wanted single-dom, didn't want a commitment and has been with other people herself.

Now, I can't help the fact that she works in the nightclub, but at the same time I'm not going to put my life on hold either.

My mate, who is very close friends with girl A agrees with me on the fact that she is completely out of line.

She turned down a commitment, she turned down a relationship, she turned down exclusivity.

Is there something eluding my feeble male mind here? Have I acted the prat? I usually pride myself on being an understanding person. I like to separate myself from the other 90% of idiotic fellas out there who treat women like ****e.

Anyway, advice is needed. All questions will be answered and any help will be appreciated

You've been going out with girl A for a month and already she is playing with your head and pulling girlfriend logic on you.

Go out with girl B, cool to almost freezing relationship with Girl A

MJOR

Forget girl A she is a head wrecker!

Amazotheamazing

As Phil Lynott taught us, "if that chick don't want to know, forget her"

Girl A obviously isn't that into you if she turned down a relationship, regardless of the circumstances in Sept. Look on it as dodging a bullet, she's obviously a little off centre.

VW08

The other side is that she does what to be with you, but she's afraid that in the long term when you both head away to college it wont work out and she'll get hurt. She still likes you but is afraid of getting her heart broken.

You've done absolutally nothing wrong, and the fact that you weren't all lovely-dovey when you were getting your coat, tells me that your a good guy, and deserve to be with a good girl too. But Id ask her what the problem is. If she doesnt come out and say that she really likes you, and that seeing you with someone else hurt her, then Id leave her.

If its the case that she's afraid of getting her heart broken, then you can both work on that. If its the case that she's just playing you, then drop her, and dont look back!

Good luck

HBK

OP, i have been in this situation fairly recently!..classic example of having her cake and eating it!(altho i prefer having her c*ck n eating it)..how and ever!

It seems to be typcial of some girls behaviour these days,basically as a few replies have said, she wants you when suits her,and shes free to do what she wants, but at the same time does not want anyone else having you for fear of loosing you...to come to when she wants

I've found recently that this is a complete wreck the head, and im not sure if girls like that would ever change!
The best thing to do, is politely explain to her that she was the one who did not want exclusitivity....and make it clear that your not hanging around for any games, and until she sorts herself out, to leave you alone.

Difficult at first but trust me, after a while you will look back and be delighted with yourself,as you wont have that stuff hanging over your head.
Good riddance

DiscoHugh

I think you should take girl A's advice and NEVER speak to her again

has there been any communication since?

RedXIV

Hmmmmmm I was at first agreeing with the majority of posters here, and saying girl A was completely out of line but in hindsight, you could have done some things better. You were applying boyfriend logic before there was a realtionship. Now this isn't a bad thing, if anything else, fair play, you knew what you wanted and you went for it. BUT when she said she didn't want a relationship, you should have told her you did. I know the option to say "I don't want to pressure you, i'll wait till your ready" is tempting for alot of people after that, but it's not the right approach here. What you did there was basically assign yourself as her doormat for when she needed it.

This is why the relationship has gotten messy and even after her encouraging you to go after one girl in a nightclub, she has now complained when you went after something else.

The relationship between you and Girl A has a horrible lack of communication and understanding and to be honest, if Girl B is all she's cracked up to be, i'll start afresh with her than trying to dig yourself out of the grave with Girl A who we can be pretty sure, is not going to be easy to work with.

No1XtinaFan

yoregra wrote: »

Where to start.


Is there something eluding my feeble male mind here? Have I acted the prat? I usually pride myself on being an understanding person. I like to separate myself from the other 90% of idiotic fellas out there who treat women like ****e.

To answer your question No! It's girls like her that give the rest of us a bad name lol
She wanted to be single AND in a relationship, doesn't work that way!

COH wrote: »

Burn girl A, enjoy girl B, then find girls C - Z and repeat :cool:

+1
your only young once

AngryBadger

Girl A is a spanner, but in fairness when she told you she was with other guys you should have realised how she saw the "relationship".

pookie82

Look it's very clear what's gone on here. Girl A doesn't want a relationship, makes it explicit, tells you she's hooked up with other guys and encourages you to "go for it" with other girls. You barely do so, and she goes off on a b*tch bender. She sounds like an idiot. If you're smart you'll tell her to get lost and go for it with the other girl. People who play games like this deserve to be alone. Otherwise you're in for another two months of mindgames and double standards.

CapedCrusader

I think she's being a dog in the manger. Doesn't want you but doesn't want anybody else to have you.

That's it. Plain and simple. No reason to be confused or make it complicated. The above quote is the truth.

Armed with this fact... what do you do now? Girl B sounds really nice :-) Go with girl B and let girl A be a lesson learned.

MDFM

Decide for yourself who you want, don't let girl A dictate to you how you live your life. I would take girl A's own advice and not speak to her again. There are far nicer ladies out there than her.
good luck.

Aurora Borealis

If your intentions were in no way to rub A's face in it then I don't see you did anything wrong. You are not in a relationship with A, you can bed the rest of the alphabet if so choose.

LegacyUser

From I read frm your post, it seems to me like she might have been testing you with the whole staying single thing, seeing if you would react and maybe try and show her that she means a lot to you.

As in she wanted to see if you were serious. Unfortunately women (also men) have been screwed over in relationships and don't wanna invest too much into something a guy may only be in for the hanky panky.

Not saying she was right to do it.

But i think shes looking for your attention maybe. Whether you really like her or whether its worth talking to her is a different matter.

But I'd say try and at least leave on amiable terms with her before you leave for college in September, as it may leave the door open for a relationsihip in the future.