Boyfriend behaving badly???!!!

LegacyUser

Hello all.
Im just having a really ****ty time at the moment. Things with my boyfriend and I have not been going so well.
I am 19 and he is 20. We have been going out since we were 15 and we were always perfect for each other. We would do anything for each other and things were just great.
Gradually, over the past few months, he seems like he couldnt care less anymore. He doesnt seem interested sexually-only 2 times last week, thats not much for us! .Im starting to feel ugly.
He always promises he still loves me, but he just doesnt show it like he used to. Lately, he is spending 80 on cannabis every week. He doesn't take me anywhere now because he says he doesnt have any money. We never go on dates and I believe that you need to do things like this to keep a relationship alive. He acts like a 60 year old and now I feel like his 60 year old wife. There is just no effort at romance now. I feel really taken for granted. We spend a good bit of time together, but when on of his friends rings him, he will drop me. He has barely made any effort to see me in the past week. For example, he came up to me at 11 last night, we went to bed and this morning he got up out of bed without even touching me, told me he was going home, without even getting breakfast. NO kiss or no hug, just straight to his friends house. So he did and then decided to spend this afternoon in his friends house where he spent all last night. Probably getting stoned again. Its like he doesnt want to be around me anymore. I always feel like his last resort, he doesnt want to be with me the way he used to.
I dont know why things have changed, perhaps he is just getting too used to me. I cannot take anymore fighting with him. I tell him all this. He trys for about 2 days and then we are back to square one. I want to break up with him, but I dont know if I should give up so easily. Its so hard. I love him so much and I want this to work, but it hurts a lot. Ive tried to break up with him but it was so hard. I just feel so unhappy. I dont know what to do.
He is my best friend and Im his, but I just cannot go on like this.

SandraG

Sorry to hear your going through this, I actually have some experience with this so I know how bad it makes you feel.
First off you need to try and understand that his behaviour has absolutely nothing to do with you, your not ugly and you've done nothing wrong.
He is smoking ALOT - €80 a week?! people who smoke that much have only a few things on their mind - smoking,hanging out and smoking and smoking.
Now hands up,I would have the occasional smoke - so Im not an anti smoker or anything like that but when you smoke as much as he is you 1. have absolutely no energy - so no sex. 2. Just want to hang out with your mates and smoke and 3. Want to be away from anyone who thinks your smoking too much!

You've been together a long time, why not have a calm chat with him and tell him how you are feeling. Explain to him that your unhappy and feeling neglected/invisible.
He may not even be aware of how he has changed and how it is effecting you.

But remember through all of it, it is NOT you,you are not ugly and he isn't rejecting you,its just the weed and the affect its having on him.

RedXIV

While probably not what you want to hear, it could be time to move on. You got together at 15 and now your nearly 20. There is a HUGE amount of changing in both mentality and character in these years and someone that was compatable then may not be compatable now.

€80 a week on cannibis is ridiculous. I've mates who smoke and smoke alot but they still have nothing on this. And you have to wonder will he get out of this phase anytime soon because if he doesn't, it's probably going to irritate you more.

With all this in mind, i'd guess he actually still does care for you and does find you attractive, he'd have no reason to stay with you otherwise but from the aspect of prospective partner, i'd put some thought into looking elsewhere

Miss Fluff

Been there, done that OP and I dumped his ass.

If he admits to spending €80 then you can probably add more to that. You sound like you are living a half-life with him, you're only 20 ffs but unfortunately if you smoke that amount of hash a lot of motivation, dymanism and interest in day-to-day stuff goes out the window and if he is smoking that amount, regardless of how much he says he loves you, you will unfortunately come second, which his actions of late have proven.

Ultimatums don't generally work but he needs to cut down on smoking, get his sh1t together and be a proper boyfriend or cut him loose. There are only so many chances you can give someone.

Oh and by the way, it is is NO way a case he doesn't find you attractive or that you are not attractive, he's just focusing on his next toke rather than giving you the love and respect you deserve.

Move on imho.

Made In Ireland

These teen love relationships always end, im sorry to be blunt but they rarely work. You've spend a good chunk of your best years being grounded with a lad when you should have been out partying with your mates and playing the field alittle!

My advice is to get out and start enjoying your youth! You're too young to be stressed out by this sort of stuff.

Casshern88

Tell him either the weed goes or you go

Redpunto

Yep he is using you and you deserve better, dont put up with it.

somethingwitty

Dump him

LegacyUser

Hello Thank you for the replies! It really helps. Perhaps I should have mentioned that I enjoy weed too, but not quite as much as him. I think that the drugs are only partly to blame. Is he just too used to me? Just taking me for granted? If so, what can I do?
Also, my problem is going through breaking up with him as much as it is about being upset with his actions. I often feel like I'm falling out of love with him, but when it comes to dumping him, I just can't.
When I sit him down and tell him how I feel, he just cannot seem to accept what I say. I dont think its as easy a

RedXIV

Didn't edit fast enough

on your questions though, if you are falling in and out of love with him, that may just be just your average doubts, but the idea of realising you don't love him and then just deciding you can't break up sounds like you're in a habit you can't get out of. If this guy makes you happy, stay, if not, leave. Thats what the simple version is here

LegacyUser

Ahh Feck ya!! He knows my username! Quick thinking!!

Bottle_of_Smoke

E80 a week these days could be a quarter of an ounce of weed. If he's generous passing around I wouldn't really see it as a major issue.
He might even be smoking more because the relationship has him stressed rather than the weed actually causing the problems. Mainly thought that after you said he went to his mates house without saying goodbye to you.

I went through a phase of smoking a lot of weed/hash but it never put me off women, quite the opposite as I remember.

IF you've been with someone since you're 15 you gotta feel like you're missing out. How would you feel about the relationship if you weren't scared of losing him?

StormWarrior

I think you should move on. I'm sure you can do better than a stoner who pays you no attention. It sounds like he is bored with the relationship, and that's not a bad reflection on you, it's unlikely you'll be together forever if you got together when you were 15. I say, drop him and move on. I was in a situation very like yours, and I know it's hard to break that tie, but you will feel so much better when you do. I know my life has improved vastly since I ditched my no-good pot-smoking boyfriend.

LegacyUser

Well he doesn't need to be generous cause everyone else has their bit... that 80 euro is just on him. He is also saving up now to go to Amsterdam, again.
I think the problem is him. I do everything for him. When we had a talk before I asked him if I do anything to ever upset him, to piss him off... and he said no. He assures me he loves me when it comes to it, but as we all know, actions speak louder than words. And he doesn't act like it a lot. What has happened, how can someone just lose interest in somebody they 'love'? What could have made this happen?...
Like I said, the drugs are only a part of it. If 2 people are actually truly good together, should they have to make so much effort into keeping a relationship going? Am I flogging a dead horse?

Dirty_Diesel

I know that smoking green over long period tends to make somebody lazy, although hash is a lot worse. However, it would seem to me that the issue is not with him smoking too much, it's the two of ye not getting enough quality time together. I've gone though something similar to this before; every day feels the same, week after week.

Maybe ye should plan something every week, say go for a nice scenic walk some evening (with some pre-rolled splifs for both of you to enjoy). Next week set aside an evening with a nice meal (once again a splif beforehand). If ye have something to plan and look forward to it makes it more enjoyable. Visiting the zoo after a few smokes is always good fun!

Hopefully, ye will start to do more exciting things and will rely less and less on the weed and more on eachother.

LegacyUser

Jesus he sounds like my ex. €80 by himself on cannabis is a LOT. I used to hang with my ex and a group and we used to smoke everyday. smoking cannabis that much breeds melancholy, you get to the point where its just to much effort to do anything except sit on your ass. Now I did this for about a year but eventually grew out of it. id still smoke very occasionally but smoking everyday and doing nothing just got...well boring really. I mean how many days can you sit stoned staring at the tv?

It sounds like you have grown up a bit and he hasnt. he is still in his little stoner phase and with the amount he is smoking is probably just to baked to be bothered making an effort or paying enough attention to you. Sounds like its time for a very blunt chat with him. At the moment it seems his interest is being stoned and getting stoned. If he has no money how is he saving for amsterdam? You have been with him since he was 15 - was he always like this?

It honestly seems like you have outgrown him

Heisenberg.

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