The Last at home and caring for an elderly parent

LegacyUser

I really fear being trapped here. I have siblings in other parts of the country and my needs are really not being met here. I really feel the need to get away in order to fulfil my own life.

Look I'm lesbian and jobs are scarce here. It's really not the place for me to be at all. Yet my parent, who I love dearly would struggle without me....and as they get older, their health isn't going to improve. I'm torn between caring for someone I love and my own needs, which cannot be met, either personaly or -professionaly here.

Quite low

Zillah

Leave. If your parents reach the stage where they cannot care for themselves then the family could consider some sort of professional care. Its ridiculous to expect you to put your life on hold.

MsFifers

Its hardly that simple Zillah. The OP obviously cares a lot about their parent and would feel terrible about just walking out.

OP - you haven't given a huge amount of info about your circumstances. Is your parent v. frail at the moment or are you thinking ahead? If they are reasonably ok at the moment, then I think you should try to get away for at least a few years. You can always come back at weekends and you never know what kind of arrangement you will be able to work out when the time comes when your parent needs more care.

Alternatively, if you have to stay, could you work it the other way around? Get away at weekends and have your siblings come in a rota to help out when you aren't there?

Could you try to discuss your feelings with your siblings? It doesn't seem fair that all the responsibility is falling on your shoulders. Could you try talking to them - not accusing them or anything - but just letting them know how trapped you are feeling. Maybe together you could all work something out.

Beruthiel

Ask your siblings to meet up with you.
Tell them you intend to leave in order to go live your life like they have done and that the meeting is for them to come up with a solution on how to handle this fact.
This is not on just your shoulders and your siblings need to realise this.

Dave!

Beruthiel wrote: »

Ask your siblings to meet up with you.
Tell them you intend to leave in order to go live your life like they have done and that the meeting is for them to come up with a solution on how to handle this fact.
This is not on just your shoulders and your siblings need to realise this.

Indeed.

Your siblings either (a) aren't aware of the problem, or (b) have buried their heads in the sand.

There's no justification for you having to care for your parent by default.

You'll all just have to come up with another solution together.

PurpleBerry

Oh, my heart does go out to you OP. I know someone who was in the exact same position as you a few years back. She was caring for her two elderly parents. Her mother passed away and she continued to take care of her father until he passed away 4 and a half years later.

Despite the fact that she had several older siblings not one of them would take any responsibility for caring for either of the parents. They would drop down to see them (very) occasionally but this was more of a stress than anything else and they made her feel like she was being watched over, to make sure she was doing a good enough job. Oh they were full of "helpful" comments but not of help or support.

You will need to take charge of the situation. Let your siblings know that you are aware that you're entitled to a life of your own. The best thing to do would be to arrange a face-to-face meeting with all of your siblings but I realise this may not be possible. Certainly speak to them one at a time.

Be firm. It's their turn. I'm sure they know that they will have to do their share but they are avoiding it for as long as they can. It's time to let them know that their time has come and the care of your parents has to be shared.

Good luck.

Miss Fluff

Poor you.

• What is the situation with your parent?
• Do they have a terminal illness or chronic condition or is it a case they they are elderly and infirm?
• Is it at hospice care stage?
• Have you looked into respite care with your local HSE office?
• How long has this been going on and why has it been left to you?
• How many siblings do you have and how has it transpired that you are the one left the shoulder the burden?

I can completely understand why you don't want to just "abandon" your Mum/Dad but this wouldn't be the case if all siblings took equal financial/emotional responsibility. Are your siblings aware of how you are feeling, do you have a good relationship with them OP?

MJOR

It's a tough one and I am sorry that your family aren't more of a help


I've been there.... My dad got cancer a few years ago and i stayed with him every step of the way. It never crossed my mind to leave.I never felt trapped and worked full time in a job I loved.


I guess your situation is different to mine. I'm not saying that what i did was right but it was right for me if that makes sense.

only you can make this deicision - do it for the right reasons not just because its expected of you.

All the best x

LegacyUser

Thanks to all. I appreciate all of your comments.

If it was an actual terminal illness I would be happy to devote my time for now. They are not actually seriously unwell now....just gradually wearing out, slowly but surely loosing independence, slowly.

Sadly I find it very hard to talk to my family as we were never close and have never understood each other well. In fact such was the level of disharmony...that well we just don't function as a unit..... So it's really quite a sad situation.

Really I'm just not happy with my life as it stands. It isn't going to get any better my maintaining the status quo. There is neither job opportunities, nor much social opportunties here. Therefore I'm unhappy. I need to get away.

Yet if I do it would seriously distress me to leave someone ageing alone. I would be considered selfish by my family, and it would really suit them for things to remain as they are now. But that isn't a situation that I can be happy with.

I'll try to communicate with the others, to express my needs as clearly as I can, that I'm not being selfish, but that I have needs. It won't be eas.

spinandscribble

it isn't fair on you to be expected to look after your parent by yourself. your sisters and brothers are the selfish ones. you're just trying to do whats right.
could you talk to your parent? maybe he/she has a opinion. i know it wouldn't be ideal but maybe they could move with you to a area where you ould get a job and be closer to a sibling or two (unlikely prehaps).

MJOR

It's not selfish of you to want to make a life for yourself at all. You're family are expecting too much of you.