I'm a bit stunned, so this'll be a bit stream of conscious-like...

LegacyUser

Good morning,

I decided I'd write this up at 6am so that I could get it off my chest, so to speak, and get a bit of kip again before getting up for work. Basically, I woke up about an hour ago and the girl who I went to sleep beside was no longer there, and in her place was a letter.

Now, to rewind a little. I'm in my early 30s, originally from Wales and living in Dublin for about 5/6 years at this stage. I'm happy enough here and don't see any prospect of ever going home, not least because I'd never get the job I have here in Wales. Around Christmas, I finished a long-term relationship with an Italian girl which had seen us both spend time living together in each other's countries. However, she couldn't hack Irish life and I couldn't hack Italy's sh*tty economy, so we finished. At the end of it, I came to realise - or at least I think I did - that though I liked her a lot, I didn't really love her. I formed this opinion because, as our relationship entered its latter years, I never felt like hugging/kissing/whispering sweet nothings to her. So she now lives in Milan and I'm back in Dublin and that's that. We still keep in contact and I still care about her.

Fast forward to three months ago, when I met this Brazilian girl in Dublin. She was hot and seemed nice and we got on well. Things progressed, it got sexual and all seemed to be going fine. I was open about my past and the fact that I was still in contact with the other girl. The Brazilian is in Dublin on a year's student visa.

On a couple of occasions, I received text messages from the ex in her presence and on one occasion, when I was really drunk, I referred to the Brazilian by the Italian's name during a mild argument. Now, I know that for many women that would be shock horror territory, but the truth is it never came up again as an issue when other matters did, so I don't think it really registered.

However, the Brazilian - let's call her Petra - became increasingly antsy about my relationship with my ex, despite the fact that I'd been open about why we'd broken up and the reality of the thousands of miles separating me from the other girl. Petra also got really upset about some stupid plastic knick knack in my room which used to belong to my ex. Despite the fact that the relationship ended seven months ago, I'd never got around to throwing it out, I'm just lazy like that.

We since had several rows - well, it was more me sitting there trying to deal with floods of tears and convince her that, yes, I'd left the Italian because I didn't love her - and Petra then began to talk about future plans. She had ideas to stay here, do some sort of a course, see how things went. I was happy about this, but wary at the same time of the reality of a South American living here - immigration issues, homesickness caused by the weather, etc. I really liked her, though two hysterical episodes where she left me in the pub over text messages from the Italian had muddied the waters a little.

Petra was pressing me for answers, she wanted to move in with me, asked for help in looking for university courses she could get a grant to do here. I dragged my heels on this a little, I wasn't ready to move in with her after just three months and I suppose I could have helped her a lot more with the search for a course. We agreed to sit down and chat about the future and during one text exchange yesterday she complained that she'd never met anyone like me, wasn't sure about how I felt about her, etc.

I have a natural aversion to saying I love you. Even if I really mean it. I was home last Christmas and got a bit maudlin after pints down the pub with the old man and wanted to say something to him about how I appreciated all he'd done for me over the years (he'd stuck his neck out for me on a couple of occasions). But I just couldn't do it.

So last night, which was supposed to have been earmarked for this pow-wow, which ended up not happening, we were in bed together and she asked me 'Do you love me?' Despite having said it a couple of times to her when I was really pissed, I said: 'I'm not sure Petra, I really, really like you, but I don't know if it's love yet.' I tried to explain that, despite saying it to her a couple of times already, I only really wanted to say it to her if I really felt I meant it.

I woke up at 5am to find her gone, a letter there saying she had decided to go back to Brazil and was leaving me to work out my feelings. The letter alluded to the ex once again, suggesting she was the real reason for what I'd said the night before. One thought that struck me was 'we're probably better off apart if she's that jealous' and an hour and a half later, I still don't know what to think.

Petra is a really sweet girl, really hot too and a good laugh. She had something I really admired - the confidence to go out and do her own thing (she'd left a good job in Brazil to come over here and improve her English as she felt something was missing in her life). On the downside, the jealousy thing really turned me off. And I wasn't sure how long she would have lasted here down the line without beginning to suggest we move back to Brazil together, though that influence is coming largely from the previous relationship.

I don't really know what kind of perspectives I'm looking for here, but any will do. One would be from anyone out there married/in a long-term relationship with a South American. Can it work, can they really live with the sh*tty weather here? (This girl was not an economic migrant fleeing poverty).

Is it unreasonable for me to stay in regular contact with my ex?

Do other blokes have the same issues as me in regard to opening up about their feelings?

I'm off to get a bit of kip now hopefully.

kaimera

It's quite a lot for her to expect you to be ok with her dropping everything and coming to IRE permanently & move in with you after just 3 months.

imo anyway.

Had a similar experience of sorts with a French lass last year; over for the summer on work...hit it off; even went to france to see her at christmas.

She wanted to come do her medical studies in ireland and all too.

I also got the "I love you" which threw me completely cos it seemed so soon -.-

it's a toughy; when ya wake up again see whatcha think.

Beetlebum

It seems to me that this girl is putting you under a lot of pressure. It's only been 3 months and while I'm not
doubting that she does love you, it's pretty early days to say it. I commend you for not saying it back and for
explaining to her that while you like her alot, you're not sure if you love her yet. That's fair enough after such a
short time together. 'I love you' seems to get brandished around alot these days and as such has lost some of
it's impact.

Also, wanting to move in with you after 3 months is very rushed.You have every right to take this relationship at
your own pace. She sounds quite demanding and dramatic. Leaving you a note in the middle of the night and
giving you an ultimatum is very high maintenance behavior. I'd say she'd be quite a handful to live with.

Regarding your ex, if you are over her and just like her as a friend then by all means be friends with her. If you were
texting her secret salacious messages then the Brazilian chick would have every reason to be annoyed but you're not
doing that.

I don't think it's unusual that you weren't ready to say I love you after only 3 months. As I see it, you have done nothing
wrong here..

MJOR

Ok I don't think you are being in the slightest bit unreasonable. It's absolutely your decision as to whether you're ready to do the things she is suggesting.

You hold all the cards here and she knows it if that makes sense.Latino women are quite passionate and fiery by their nature i think.

My brother is married to a Costa Rican and their relationship moved pretty fast. (they live in Canada and both had citizenship at the time)

I reckon that any woman however would be mildly uncomfortable with you having contact with an ex. I think for your own sake you should probably cut contact with her unless you are hoping for a reconciliation.

How Strange

It seems to me that you both wanted different things from the relationship. You wanted s*x and companionship, she wanted love and committment.
You only broke up with the ex after Christmas so I'd say despite what you say you're not over her. There are still feelings there.

On the issue of the ex texting - would I be cool about it? I don't know, it would depend on the circumstances. If she was texting you all the time, you were reading and replying to texts when you were with me in the pub or a restaurant or whatever then no I wouldn't be happy about it. Why? Because in your head you're still with the ex.

The brazilian may have been prone to high dramatics but I don't think she did anything wrong. Bottom line the relationship was going nowhere so she did the honest thing and finished it.

Probably the best thing for you right now is to get your head sorted and give yourself time to get over the ex before getting into a new relationship.

LegacyUser

You already said you love her, then you said you werent sure. She's gonna be full of doubts man. You need to decide if it's worth fighting for the relationship and then go after her or tell her it's over.

eveie

not trying to be harsh here but i can completley understand when this girl was coming from.
now at the end of teh day jealousy is a natural thing some people dont know how to handle it.

i would consider myself not a jealous type of person, i infact despise someone who is but my ex was in contact with his ex....she was the one to contact him first all the time but it seriously got to me.
your ex is your ex for a reason.....move on, sounds to me like you didnt treat this girl right at all.


fair play to her for leaving you, think you may have missed out in a good thing.


oh and as for not getting round to throwing out that thing that belonged to your ex? did the brazilian girl mention it a few times, you know theres lazy and then theres just being an insenstive fool

DiscoHugh

I have a lot of experience with Latin American women and as others have said they can be very passionate, impetuous, overly dramatic etc. They also throw the L-word around like it's nothing. I used to get very taken aback by this until it dawned on me that they all seem to do it all the time and it doesn't really mean as much as it would to us.


At the end of the day you have to put your happiness first and go at your own pace regardless. I've been in a vaguely similar positions before and basically what I said to the girl is:

"Look, of course I'd be very happy if you decided to stay on, but I don't want you to stay on only because of me, as that would put me under a lot of pressure and might lead you to resenting me if things don't work out as you've planned. You have to want to stay on for you yourself"

or some similar kind of schpeel



I've seen people follow their heart half way accross the world only for it to end in tears a few months later. Definitely not always a great idea.


On a side note what was her plan when she left your place. Dash off to the airport and hop on the first flight to Rio??? Lucky for some!

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi,

Latinas are known for their "intensity" alright, so the drama is an occupational hazard if thats the type of bird you are into.

We Northern Europeans on the other hand are far less direct and shilly shally around for months and sometimes years dipping our toes into relationships and are often commitment wary.

We say less about our feelings and over consider anything we do say which could be taken down and used in evidence against us......!

I'd say what she wants is for you to phone her and race after her (shes hardly arranged a flight to Brazil since last night, then again I dunno...) but she sounds vaguely Bunny Boiler-esque so you would really be playing right into her hands by doing this...

Its up to you but from what I know from my male friends (one married not sth american but spanish girl) the cultural difference is significant and it can be hard work for a laid back Irish/Welsh lad...!

Just my tuppence!

RedXIV

eveie wrote: »

your ex is your ex for a reason.....move on, sounds to me like you didnt treat this girl right at all.

and your ex is also a human being. I'd be on pretty good terms with all my ex's (bar one, she was crazy though) and i can honestly say i'd be in contact with some of them every now and again. I have a clock my ex brought me back from the states but i'm not throwing it out because she bought it, i need a damn clock in my bedroom

You can't call yourself a person unaffected by jealously if you have these issues. But then again, i'm pretty sure everyone suffers from even just a little bit of jealousy, some just control it better than others.

OP, to be honest, you sound like your still not sure what your looking for. You said yourself, this girl had plenty of qualties that were attractive to you, but i still wasn't sold on it. Especially when you simply put "bemused" as a username I don't know about you, but personally, if i'm with a girl i'm serious about, i'd move mountains for her* and bemused would not be the first emotion i'd think of if she left me with a letter. Maybe you're waiting on someone to take your breath away still?


*May be slight exaggeration

John Mason

Petra sounds a bit like a bunny boiler to me. you are better off without her.

I mean you are only together three months, i am in touch with a few of my ex's and BF doesnt have a problem with it (well, if he does tough).

LegacyUser

Dude - from a womans point of view -

When the ex is on the scene, it hurts like hell. We all understand that they're the past and we're the present, but it still hurts. Women become threatened, because, we know what we're capable of and afraid that the ex will wrap you around her little finger.

I appreciate that you were open with her, thats great, but people have different levels of intelligences, and she had probably had a lot of commited lovers before you that were for her, and only her. The thoughts of you chatting to your ex could have been driving her mad and she needed to get back to life, and what its really all about.

Its not so hard to say I love you, by the way, I dont know why people have this huge issue around saying and it becomes such a hugh milestone in a relationship. When you like someone so much, its love. I love my friends for christs sake, I tell them I love them all the time. I tell my male friend I love him, because we all need to be loved, just the way I am, Im 24 and Im all for living life, but when my boyfriend says he loves me, those 3 simple words, I dont think about whether hes IN love with me or not, but I know, he loves me, and who I am.

You gotta share the love!

Think about life dude - think what if shes going to be the greatest thing that ever walked into your life, are you going to be romantic and run after her -

Or have you hurt her, even though you didnt mean it and whatever relationship you salvage will be rocky and full of distrust, I had this with a guy - his ex had gone back to the U.S and she was phoning and texting and I just was not comfortable with the way he was so attentive to her calls and texts and I just couldnt comprehend the attachment.

ME - when I finish with someone - I'm gone, I dont hang onto ex's... I just dont.

vorbis

Dude, sounds like you could be better off. She was really trying to put the screws on you. Move into together after 3 months ??!

I don't mean to sound nasty but it seems like you are the one who is better off financially. Also if she wants to stay in Ireland, then marriage to an EU citizen would be one of the ways to do it.

Honestly if she really loves you then she wouldn't be going so overboard about an ex who lives in a different country! Petra sounds a tad manipulative.

kisaragi

In regards to the jealousy thing...

My boyfriend has an ex who lives thousands of miles away... he calls him every few days and he visits him every few months... At first I was ok with it cause they weren't together anymore. Simple as. But once he called me by said ex's name in bed, and ever since then I got more and more and more uncomfortable with it. It REALLY hurt knowing he was over there with him etc etc etc but I didn't want to say anything because I knew it was stupid pointless jealousy, and I trusted him that they were just really close friends (he tells me they love each other but it's not the same as romantic love).

Sooooo anyway I pent that up for ages and one day I broke down and told him. And we're still together and nothing really changed. Well, I just wanted to share my experience so you'd know where I'm coming from when I say that no matter how hard you try, it is SO hard to overcome jealousy. I still hate their relationship, but what can I do?

I'd imagine most people will feel similar even if they don't admit it. Like everyone said, jealousy is natural.

Also I didn't say "I love you" back to my boyfriend the first time he said it, I took my time about making sure.

MagicMarker

I'd understand her jealousy if your ex lived around the corner, but she lives thousands of miles away and you'd already explained to her that you didn't love her.

Personally, i hate when the L word is introduced so early in a relationship. My ex told me she loved me in the first month. 9 months on and i still hadn't said it, at first she understood but month after month she got more upset about it and eventually broke up with me because i hadn't said it. Personally, i still feel 9 months is very early in the relationship.

It's only been 3 months with the Brazillian, if she really can't handle this after 3 months then to be honest you should count yourself lucky that she has left.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replies. I later received a text from her saying she still loves me and is waiting for me to show her I'm prepared to reciprocate. I don't think that's the main issue, I'm convinced the ex is, but we're going to talk and I plan to stick to my guns. If what has gone on thus far is the template for the future relationship, it's f*cked anyway.