Father Mentally abusing Mother - What Can I do?

LegacyUser

Hi folks,

Tricky situation here that's been going on for as long as my mum knows my dad.

Dad's an achololic - but as far as I can see, that's really just a symptom of some more general personality disorder.

He's not drinking (we know this) but he's always hassling my mum form money. For a while, they lived seperately, which seemed to work fine, but then dad took a load of tablets, was admitted to hospital and mum took him back in.

Every time we try to bring this up with my mother, the fact that he's ALWAYS hassling her for money and that she shouldn't give in - she gets annoyed, says they "have an arragement". As far as I can see, the arrangement is that dad causes holy hell if he doesn't get his way.

Now, because mum is grown up and seems to have made a life decision to accepted this situation as her kids, we've felt that we haven't really had a mandate to step in. She seems to prefer this situation to being alone. Which it partially understandable.

Now here's where it gets tragic and sad. Mum got seriously ill and was in intensive care. She talks of a near death experience. Since then she's suffered from post traumatic shock and is only a shadow of her former self. She seems to be sufferring a complete nervous breakdown. Still dad hassles her for money. He went in to the intensive care unit and demanded money - it was that bad.

Since mum is helpless, I believe we should step in. But I know my mother will be distressed and would prefer us to leave it alone. Dad uses this to his advantage at every step. We know that if we hassle him, he'll make it 10 times worse for mum and when she's fragile and frail, we want to spare her from all distress possible.

What can we do? What is the best approach. Make a complaint of mental abuse to the Gardai? Go to social services? Consult a solicitor? All three? In what order?

I would be grateful for any advice.

madser

You must be feeling very helpless OP, your father needs help and your poor mother needs a break away from him big time, she probley thinks she needs him even more now, could you and your siblings talk have a strong word with your father explaining to him as strongly that you can that your not going to take your mother being hurt in this way. Would he go to rehab or is that completly out of the question for him or could you get your mother away from him for any lenght of time. I'm sorry I'm probley not being much help but for whats its worth I think your well within your rights to step in now.

If he's not drinking what does he need the money for and has he no way of supporting himself.

I don't think it would be any harm putting something on record be it with the mental health athorities or the gaurds, good luck:)

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi There,

I can identify on some levels with this, as what your Dad is doing is so nebulous its difficult to describe as a "crime" so the police likely wont help.
Also, it might distress your Mother and further weaken her.

I think Social services is your best bet, go to your local Health centre and get speaking to a social worker and community nurse, you do not need to be referred by a GP so dont waste your money going to the GP first.

Tread very carefully with your Mother, it can be difficult for older people to adapt to new ideas, even if the situation is intolerable as it stands, she may have difficulty visualising "change" as being a good thing.

Also with PTSD she will be in a state of hypervigilance, ie expecting "attacks" on her person at all times, whether it be from sickness, mental trauma or whatever...

So proceed very gently with her and "be her friend" its important that she trusts you and feels you wont do anything against her will. I know this is so difficult, even if its for her own good, but she needs to feel you are "safe" and not going to do anything to "threaten" her status quo, I would say make imperceptable changes, little and often rather than huge dramatic ones.

Anyway, I am not sure if you are a son or daughter but your Mam is lucky to have you Good luck OP.

MissThing

I don't know if its possible to take temporary guardianship of your mom so that she has no access to her money and so he'll have to come to you for it.

I do know that she can sign power of attorney over to you for X amount of months and this would allow you to maintain her finances and act legally on her behalf. Perhaps speak to your family solicitor if you have one or citizens advice.

Is it possible that she can move in with you or your other siblings for a while for a break/company. Is it possible that he can take a job to earn his own money - is there any reason why he's not earning to support himself.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you're able to reach a resolution soon.

LegacyUser

Thanks folks, for the support and the advice. I think I might look at the legal guardianship option.

As for my father getting a job etc - he is a completely dysfunctional person and feels that because fate has been dealt a rather poor hand, society owes him.

Both him and my mum are on disability benefit - my father, because he's been certified as disabled by virtue of his mental condition (depression, alcoholism etc.).

So their incomes are indentical. Dad spends 95 notes on cigarettes per week and can't live on the change - expects others to balance his books.

This is right on the money:

WilmaRidesAgain wrote:

Tread very carefully with your Mother, it can be difficult for older people to adapt to new ideas, even if the situation is intolerable as it stands, she may have difficulty visualising "change" as being a good thing.

Also with PTSD she will be in a state of hypervigilance, ie expecting "attacks" on her person at all times, whether it be from sickness, mental trauma or whatever...

WilmaRidesAgain wrote:

Anyway, I am not sure if you are a son or daughter but your Mam is lucky to have you Good luck OP.

Thanks for that :-) The fact is though, I feel like a real schmo for not stepping in and confronting my dad when mum was better able to deal with it.

If my mum came to live with us, I would be inviting a world of distress on my family - I have young children and I've done all I can to protect them from the bad stuff I grew up with. All I ever wanted growing up was a normal functional family home - I really loathe the thoughs of visiting this on my wife and children... but being the only sibling in the same country, the pressure to do this is large.

Oh for a simple life!

Thanks again folks.