Trust issues/move on

LegacyUser

I recently broke up with my boyfriend because I couldn't trust him. I found out he was calling girls late at night and cought him telling me lies. We tried to work it out for a couple of days, but it didn't work out as I would be suspicious about everything and he felt watched.

Everybody said we made a good couple. We had fun together and it seemed it was working out. But the though that I may have been living a lie was killing me. He likes to keep secrets, not only from me but from other people, even stupid little things, and when you ask about them he feels under pressure or gives a very poor explanation. My fear was that I may someday find something bigger.

I have many male friends, and a couple of them have asked me out already. Obviously I still have feelings for my ex, but I want to take care of myself and I don't want to stay home crying over it. I'm very confused. I know I have to move on, should I give them a chance? Or should I take my time?

Kevster

Hey,

I believe that you should just close this chapter of your life and move on. I mean, you are very correct for worrying that his lies may result in "something bigger" later in life. If he lies about so many other things in his life too, he will always have trouble in relationships. The two of you may have appeared to others to have been a good couple but, if you were not happy, then the two of you WEREN'T actually a good couple. Thus, it was correct to end it and, like I have said, you should now move on.

Don't go out with anyone else for a while - that would be a mistake. You are at a vulnerable time and these other 'males' (forgive me for saying so) might only be trying to take an advantage. Take your time with it, and do things your way.

Take care,
Kevin

MJOR

Right I think what you need now is time alone. Cut off contact with your ex, if he's a liar you'll only question and second guess everything he says. You deserve better.

Take a bit of time out by yourself, pamper yourself and enjoy the single life for a while. I'd avoid getting with any friends for the moment because you could potenially lose a friend on the rebound


Good luck x

LegacyUser

Thanks Kev. Yes, are right. It's too hard to accept the facts, though. I guess I'm only going through the usual break-up post-syndome, and I'm not going to be the first or the last...I just want to find the balance and do the right thing

LegacyUser

Hey op, trust issues can be difficult but it sounds like you were really mad about this guy. Best course of action would be to have this discussion with him and demand that he be more open and honest with you, if you want to work things out that is.

I was in a similiar situation with my boyfriend. He was texting his ex a lot and I found out. But we managed to get through it and now I couldn't be happier. I Think guys just do stupid things sometimes!!
You could regret leaving him and you could end up unhappy without him
When you say he likes to keep secrets are they usually big things or is he just a 'private person'?

jellie

if you cant trust someone, no matter how much you love them how is it gonna work? youd spend your time wondering if their lying & youd never be happy.

without trust i dont see how any relationship could work.

anonymous_joe

I find total trust dangerous because people can be very destructive about it. A single mistake etc becomes evidence of a grand plot to f*ck them over.

I had a girl who once told me I was a lying manipulative asshole because I'd gotten the date her dad went into hospital wrong. I was supposedly trying to hurt her somehow...

What I mean to say is, if trust is the bedrock of the relationship, be wary, because people can be very stupid and high-strung about it.

RedXIV

anonymous_joe wrote: »

I find total trust dangerous because people can be very destructive about it. A single mistake etc becomes evidence of a grand plot to f*ck them over.

I had a girl who once told me I was a lying manipulative asshole because I'd gotten the date her dad went into hospital wrong. I was supposedly trying to hurt her somehow...

What I mean to say is, if trust is the bedrock of the relationship, be wary, because people can be very stupid and high-strung about it.

I have to say i kinda agree with the above. While i whole-heartedy endorse honesty in a relationship, i ended up having a full blown argument with an ex because i was trying to suprise her for her b-day

OP, If you weren't happy with the trust in the relationship, then thats fair enough, i can see where you're coming from and why it would affect you. But i would suggest you take time out for yourself, as MJOR said, this Pamper time. spoil yourself. and buy sh/tloads of chocolate

LadyE

If you are having a hard time dealing with the break up (if you cant trust him then whats the point!) then I would hold off dating some of your friends.

Rebound is seriously ****..so you can do more harm that good, and maybe ruin a friendship. Take some time out for yourself and when you're not so upset then decided what to do

anonymous_joe

RedXIV wrote: »

I have to say i kinda agree with the above. While i whole-heartedy endorse honesty in a relationship, i ended up having a full blown argument with an ex because i was trying to suprise her for her b-day

OP, If you weren't happy with the trust in the relationship, then thats fair enough, i can see where you're coming from and why it would affect you. But i would suggest you take time out for yourself, as MJOR said, this Pamper time. spoil yourself. and buy sh/tloads of chocolate

The exact same thing happened to me. She thought I was up to something to f*ck her over.

LegacyUser

yes, he calls himself a 'private person', but I see that as the easiest way out, because then we all could say, 'hey, I'm a private person' and don't explain ourselves, specially in a situation in which all evidence leads to the same conclusion...

would you leave a person you love thinking you have cheated on her/him without doing everything possible to convince them of the opposite? and lose them forever?

RedXIV

ntt wrote: »

yes, he calls himself a 'private person', but I see that as the easiest way out, because then we all could say, 'hey, I'm a private person' and don't explain ourselves, specially in a situation in which all evidence leads to the same conclusion...

would you leave a person you love thinking you have cheated on her/him without doing everything possible to convince them of the opposite? and lose them forever?

I wouldn't, but your not going dealing with me, you're dealing with him, and we're not the same. Especially with him calling himself a private person, i wouldn't bet on an overshow of emotion on his part to try and keep you, if he's closed about facts, he's probably the same with emotions. Once again, this is your call

LegacyUser

Well if he makes the effort and does his best to win back your trust then I don't see the harm in giving him a shot. Just in the future you both need to be honest and open with each other and both do what you can to put yourselves at ease

LegacyUser

well, that´s your assumption, Suntanbabe, so far he has not tried to win me or my trust back...and I don´t expect anything..

I don´t want to give details here of what else he would need to explain, but believe me, I´m not an hysterical woman that jumps at every single thing. I always have asked and tried to communicate.

For example: you see someone with a knife and a dead body and you assume that person has killed the dead one, right? Obviously there could be another explanation, but the person with the knife cannot just get away with it saying : "I did nothing wrong, I did nothing wrong.." and no more..You would love to know that that person has not kill anybody, but..without other explanation you can't be certain..what else can you think?

Another case would be asking someone constantly if he/she has ever killed somebody out of the blue..(that would be paranoic)

do you guys agree?