Advice please!!

mikey55

hi, i'm looking for some advice please as i dont know what to do. my da has a bit of a problem with drinking. he has a decent job and is not a full blown alcoholic in the sense that he is drinking during the day, but nonetheless is still dependent on the bottle and turns to it after a hard days work (we all need a drink sometimes but this is excessive). he's not physically abusive nor ever has been, but, can be verbally and has been for years. but its more just the behaviour and the lack of respect for his wife....him and my ma live at home on their own and i know my ma is lonely cause they sit in separate rooms in the evening and have done for years. he's great during the day when he's not drinking and you would never think there was a problem. but i know that his drinking causes my ma lots of stress and worry which is not good for her as she has heart trouble. but they have had a long life together. they are getting close to retirement now and we think he will end up drinking a lot more then and maybe drive my ma to an early grave with the stress and the worry, she doesnt need it. i'm the kid (grown up all the same) me and my siblings dont know what to do about it? should we step in and tell him he better sort himself out or else? we already had words a few years ago and he slowed down for a while but its back with avengence. please, any advise welcome from similar situation?

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

mikey55 wrote: »

hi, i'm looking for some advice please as i dont know what to do. my da has a bit of a problem with drinking. he has a decent job and is not a full blown alcoholic in the sense that he is drinking during the day, but nonetheless is still dependent on the bottle and turns to it after a hard days work (we all need a drink sometimes but this is excessive). he's not physically abusive nor ever has been, but, can be verbally and has been for years. but its more just the behaviour and the lack of respect for his wife....him and my ma live at home on their own and i know my ma is lonely cause they sit in separate rooms in the evening and have done for years. he's great during the day when he's not drinking and you would never think there was a problem. but i know that his drinking causes my ma lots of stress and worry which is not good for her as she has heart trouble. but they have had a long life together. they are getting close to retirement now and we think he will end up drinking a lot more then and maybe drive my ma to an early grave with the stress and the worry, she doesnt need it. i'm the kid (grown up all the same) me and my siblings dont know what to do about it? should we step in and tell him he better sort himself out or else? we already had words a few years ago and he slowed down for a while but its back with avengence. please, any advise welcome from similar situation?

When you say "better sort himself out" you're sounding aggressive, which I don;t think is the tone you go for.

You need to catch him in one of his good moods and tell him how his drinking affects you. I.e. that it frightens you and causes you a lot of stress (especially for your mother). I wouldn't mention the word 'problem', at least not unless you have to, as it may cause him to deny it and get defensive.

But he cannot defend the fact that when he drinks and gets aggressive, you get scared.

IRISH RAIL

him and my ma live at home on their own and i know my ma is lonely cause they sit in separate rooms in the evening and have done for years.

my parents have done this for as long as i can remember most people over 50 do too you might find two tvs dad wants to watch one and mam the other no problems there

but the drinking needs to be cut back sorry I cant offer advice on that as it could be bad advice best leave that to the pro have you tried getting in touch with aa

impr0v

You can certainly have a few words with him, if you have that type of relationship and you feel he'll take it on board without turning on you. You also have to remember that, while it's natural to want to do so, you can't fight your mum's battles for her. Relationships of that vintage work their way into some kind of happy, or unhappy, equilibrium where each party may need their own coping mechanism, but they still survive. If things degenerate, you have to trust that your mother will have enough self-belief and courage to change the status quo. If she doesn't, then perhaps she's ok with it at some level.

If asked, do you think she'd want you to interfere?

Mimikyu

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mini Maple

hey i dont know if this will be any use to you but my mum was an alchoholic for the last 20 years at least, we the kids are grown up now but my dad still lives with her...
the main thing you need to remember is an alchoholic does not need to drink every day- its the relationship they have with drink, they could go say the whole day without drinking once they know they can get to it when they get home, to be honest it sounds like your dad needs to talk to someone to find out why he is becoming so relient on drink.
with regards your mum, unfortunitly you can not really help her, you could tell her there are meetings she could go to to voice her worries like ALANON (adult children and partners of alchoholics) they kind of explain how being an alchoholic is a very lonly path, and how the drinker is kind of in their own 'bubble' which makes it hard to live with them as they will blame anyone except themselves for anything that is going wrong! they also talk about 'tough love' sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind.. if you dad is being verbily abusive towards whoever is in the house (by the sounds of it mainly your mum) they need to just walk away as alchoholics thrive on emotional arguments or emotional blackmail or abuse so they can get their anger or emotions out on others without dealing with the real issues which is causing them to drink... vicsious circle!

it is hard for you to see this i would say, its hard to see the partner deal with the moods of the alchoholic, but at the end of the day it has to be her decision to take a step back from the relationship.

hope this helps