The mess that is mylife, but for how much longer?

LegacyUser

I need to get a few things off my chest and hear what others have to say about things, im just so messed up and i really dont have anyone to turn to anymore...

Basically im jus soo bloody depressed these past years and its keeps getting worse. I mean life is just absolutely **** and meaningless to me. I dont see the point in going on much longer. Ive been down to the point before were ive tried suicide but chickened out only because i dont know what was ahead of me, i dont want to end things but i need to escape and i just cant do that..

Abit of background info.. Im 20 and have done nothing with mylife as such. Ive been seriosly depressed the past 5 years or so aswell as suffering from severe anxiety. I cant do anything. I never had a job, ive managed to loose most of my friends for no aparent reason, they all just deserted me, ive managed to just about start a relationship over a year ago which has just feel apart and im inbits. no matter what i do i cant do it right and im sick of it, its to the point where even my own perents are saying it, that im useless and i am. I just wana get out of this...

Ive been on here before talking about some issues, like anxiety here:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055328749

And the whole GF/Soon to be EX:

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055337894

I cant cope anymore and some time soon im afraid im just gonna bite the bullet and do something stupid...

Update on whole 2 situations above is that ive tried my hardest and im still stuck in this hole that is anxiety and drepression and still lost...

The gf situaution, well thats just about over and im heart broke quite literally my heart hurts, i mean as much as she hurt me she always made me feel better and aslong as i was with her the depression went and i could always be myslef around her ie not one bit of anxiety. But its come to the point where ive sorta realised shes an actual cnut in that all she cares about is herself...

Since the last time ive checked her calls and msgs and there all to 3 guys mainly..

ones a friend i know, but theres too much talking between em in that they would talk 10hrs a day straight sending msgs and some pics too...

The second i havent a clue about, ive no name or anythin but they talk almost twice as much as above..

And the third is a radom fooker she met online. Apparenlty on eachothers contact list years and only startd talking. Anyway they havet stopd txting and talkin on msn and sending pics and this would be from till she wakes at 7am'ish till sleep bout 2-3am most days.. Shes told me alot about this guy and it appears she likes him, it feels like sayin hes better than me and from what ive heard he is.. Im really suspicious that they are up to something...

Its not natural for all the above and from in that previous post i was saying she thinks its all perfectly normal and yet i cant even mention other girls names never mind talk to em, wtf is she playing at?

Btw, i dnt think this is a coincidence that.. well she used send "dirty" pics to me when we were bored and this was up till last week. I checked the times and dates she sent me then and low and behold she just so happened to be sending pics at the very same time to other numbers too.. like this would be very late at night too..

Your prob all think im a fool but if ya knew this girl you would not expect any one that and i still cant except it, im waiting for further proof, solid proof..

Do you think i should ring the lads shes beeing texting to ask them wtf the problem is?

Not that it matters because were done, im ending it... But half of me still doesnt want to because even through all this and if shes guilty at the end of the day im stil madly in love with this girl and i cant give her up...

idk what to do anymore... at all

LegacyUser

I suffered from social anxiety in a big way. I was afraid of pretty much everythign because of it. However, I didnt realise just how all my problems were stemming from the same thing. Shyness, poor concentration, nervous laughing, stemulbing over my words, low voice, depression, low tolerance of others. They all came from how I felt about myself. I developed a negative self image based on some things that I heard people say to/about me and I over analyzed. I pretty much created my own problems.

I'm very different now and see myself as being a very likeable guy with the appetite to get what I want from any situation I am in. I know now that I'm not on this planet to just stay out of everyones way. I'm here to experience everything that I want.

When you change your self image, you notice all the differences. You speak at a proper tone/ level, you enjoy conversations with other people (about absolutely anything) and ask for things that you want (and not just the things you think you have a right to).

Look your best, feel your best and be your best.

LegacyUser

OP, did you take the advice in your previous threads?

Did you go see someone about your anxiety?

The general idea on the thread about your gf seemed to be that she wasn't worth it, but you stqyed with her. Is that because you felt you had no option?

If YOU don't do something to help YOURSELF, you can post away here forever but nothing will change.

Sorry to be so harsh, but as NewandImproved said, you can change and make things better.

hunnybunny

LIFE IS NEVER WORTH ENDING.
Please, I know people let depression overcome them. Talk to someone. Thats the first step.

Talk to the girl and find out for sure. If she has, then she is not worth it!

The best advice I can give you is

MOVE ON WITH LIFE!! It can be pretty amazing, you know.
Think about what makes you happy travel, music, meeting with friends, TV shows it can be anything and use it to motivate yourself

Put special dates on calenders and look forward rather tha n backwards. I know looking forward to something always cheers me up no matter how blue the situation see is. Sometimes even a song that brings back happy memories or good times can help.
Take oppurtunities to make friends,
try to work. It gives you purpose in life and the money can lead to activities that can make you happy like travel, adventure, cinema etc

Above all don t rely on one person like a GF , try to make the THAT special person yourself!:) Knowing you can depend on yourself is very liberating....

TheMelodyOfRain

I had quite a large post written out for you there, but because my mind is so muddled from mainly self induced stress, I deleted it and cant get it the crap back. If this turns into a rant man I'm sorry, but this thread is just something I can unfortunately relate to 100%...

I was in the same situation as you; depressed, anxious, lost; for about six years or so. It mainly began when my girlfriend passed away when I was at the age of fourteen; love without a fraction of a doubt. Before I met her, I hadn't many friends, as in the area I grew up, the area I remain in now (albeit, only until I graduate college) I came under much criticism and ridicule for basically being myself (into grunge/punk/goth/metal). Anyway, I met her and we clicked from the beginning, mad about each other. So, we developed a rather vast array of mutual friendships, then she died suddenly and I took it bad. I cut myself off from the friends we had made because I convinced myself that the only reason they bothered with me was because of her, haven't seen most of them since.

Over the years I gained the friendship of a group of people from school. Friendship lasted up until last year when they started getting seriously into selling and using drugs, and having used cannabis for a period to treat the anxiety (which worked wonders by the way, although it's only a mask) I got arrested for possession. So I had to get the hell out of that environment, and I did - cutting off all contact from all save for one. The pressure from the arrest and potential jail time drove me to almost insanity...but, about a two and half weeks after I found out that all I was going to get was a fine, I woke up one morning (at 7:30, the earliest since I was 14) completely 'normal'. The physical effects from the anxiety and depression, i.e. the blank mind, the emotional numbness, the muscle twitching, and most importantly the negative thoughts had just vanished. It was a kick up the arse, basically, and thats what I needed to realise that my prior worries was just nonsense.

After being terrified of speaking to people for years, I woke up the next day craving social contact. Craving it. I also felt a tremendous sense of well being and mental clarity. The negative thoughts just didnt come into my mind. When I thought about talking to people, it seemed exciting and like a good idea, and I realised how bad it actually looked when I would just brush people off or just pretend I didnt hear them when they tried to initiate conversation with me. I went into college that day, began talking to people and came home feeling over the f***ing moon. Then I began calling up people that I hadnt spoken to in years arranging meet ups...it seemed my life had straightend itself out.

That continued on from April of this year up until June 20th. I had been getting great sleep up until then, because the stress and anxiety (and the consequent depression) had entirely lifted and so the quality of my sleep was extremely high, but then I found out I failed three exams (failed, due to the stress of the arrest and possible custodial sentence) and was assigned five repeat assignments to do for a deadline of what I thought was June 30th. So I had to stay up extremely late over the course of the next few days in order to meet the ridiculous deadline...but I checked the email once again, out of shear disbelief at the short timeframe, and found out I had mistaken July for June.

Ever since then, my quality of sleep has never returned, and I've slipped back into a state of anxiety. Gradually over the course of June 30th up until now, I've been getting worse...but if those few months of freedom and normality occured, then surely it can occur again...

Upon reflection, I've concluded that there is a definite coorelation between sleep and anxiety/depression (which generally come hand in hand, as anxiety is the most depressing state in the world, and depression would make anyone anxious). It seems to me, that anxiety is a state caused by extreme and long term stress. Stress, I've recently found out, significantly reduces the quality of ones sleep, and it doesnt matter how many hours you lye there, you'll still wake up brainfogged, vacant, groggy and depressed if you dont get a specific amount of REM sleep.

I have to get out of this though...I need to feel the way I felt for those few months...that was me, not this. I'm just at a loss as to why suddenly everything seems so impossible after it all seemed so effortlessly easy...

My apologies if I'm ****ing up your thread here man, just thought I'd input on the topic...

Reflecting further...the process I went through for recovery the first time around, was relaxing myself for a time long enough for the worry to go away. I remember the pain gained from the embarassment to not being able to even say 'here' when my name would be called out at the beginning of lectures, and how I couldnt even manage to construct a one line answer when someone would say 'Hey man, how was your weekend?'...so what I did for awhile, was completely avoid all conversation in college completely, so that I wouldnt have to ruminate for days after the 'embarassment'...yeah, coming back to me now...I mean, most of my anxiety spawned from my thoughts, me *thinking* about how much of social failure I was...so if that was the main root of my recent anxiety, and it didnt occur for a month because I didnt put myself in the situation...then that would give me the space to relax back to normal cognitive competence...and then begin doing the things I wanted to do...thats how I did it. Thats what I'm going to do from tomorrow onwards.

You should try it too, if you can make any sense of the above. Lye in bed, and close your eyes. Try clear your mind, which you most likely wont be able to do. Pay attention to the thoughts that come into your mind...now, try pay attention to the strength of these thoughts. Pick out your top five issues that circle about in your head. If it involves people who stress you out more than they comfort you, either avoid them for a month or get rid of them completely. This girl of yours...a fool. You're probably worried that if you loose her, you'll have nothing, but thats incorrect. If you loose her, you loose a portion of the stress. When you do this with other issues of pressing concern, I promise you you'll begin to feel lighter and lighter until eventually you'll wake up in a few weeks with a clear head and be ready to begin constructing your future. Honestly man, things are not as bad as they seem. This certainly isnt the end, its the beginning. Just try the above.

I know for a fact that if I keep away from the source of stress until my mind calms, I'll be able to come back and deal with it.
Right now, like you, I've just slipped...but try the approach I mentioned anyway.

hunnybunny

Just read your other posts. If you are still in college, keep it going. Use that to motivate yourself. If you are in college and never had a job, then don t beat yourself up over it!
Boredom is very bad for depression. More time to spiral downwards.
If your not in college well a job will definately give you something to aim for!

Jesus Wept

hunnybunny wrote: »

LIFE IS NEVER WORTH ENDING.

I find this statement far too sweeping.

I am not encouraging suicide.

Homer Sexual

You'll chill out as you get a bit older. Everyone does. In the meantime go to a few concerts.. Or learn an instrument. Nothing cures depression like music.

zuroph

i found around ur age the toughest few years of my life, its an emotionally confusing time as you're finally expected to BE an adult. dont let it get to you. the best thing i did at that time was stood back and read stuff like this and realised EVERYONE was feeling like this, and hiding it. I then taught myself to laugh at ANY situation as i treated it as yet another twist in the drama that is life. life is a game, and if u let it beat you, u lose, so the best thing is to not care what it throws at you, just laugh at it. no matter what happens to you, you can be sure you're not the first person its happened to, and the vast vast majority of those other people have gotten through it. Laugh it off as "ha, what else is it going to throw at me." sometimes, when u stand back from a horrible situation, u might see a bit of humour in it.

as for the GF. you're 20. and I presume she's around the same age. people dont know what they want at that age (read above!!). they do stupid, hurtful stuff, cos they've just gained independence and dont know what to do with it. you may treat every girl perfectly, and lose them all to assh0les for a few years, but eventually you'll find the right one. at 20, my gf left me for a 38 year old builder who turned out to be married. i got to laugh at her when she came crawling back begging for forgiveness. sometimes life is more fun than soap operas! sure it hurt at the time, but looking back on it, im glad i have a story to tell.

best of luck with it, and if u ever need a chat, online is a great place to do it, as ur not constantly moaning in front of friends. remember, they're 20 too, they dont know what to do with themselves, let alone try figure out ur problems for you. if u want a rant, PM me any time, or stick another thread up here.

good luck!


(sorry, this meanders a bit, but i hope the point comes across)

newname

Its sounds like you are feeling very low at the minute. I can't say what you should do about your current situation, but all I would say is if your depressed then try to get some help with it. You seem to have a very negative view of yourself and unfortunately there hundreds and even thousands of people with the same low opinion of themselves.

A negative self image is very damaging and causes so many problems for people. So many entirely decent and nice people are badly affected by anxiety and depression simply from their own self image. Thoughts about themselves that are grossly distorted.

Here is a quote going back 2000 years from the greek philosopher Epictetus:
"people are disturbed not by things but by the views we take on them"
similarly Cognative Behaviour Therapy is based on the principle that all your moods are created by your cognitions (thoughts). A cognition refers to the way you look at things - your perceptions, mental attitudes and beliefs.

When people are depressed their thoughts are dominated by pervasive negativity and the many of the thoughts people dwell on contain gross distortions, in other words people end up viewing themselves and their lives in a negative and distorted way. Whereas others do not see them in quite the same way. If this goes on for years then people can end up with an entirely distorted view of how they think the world sees them - if you can improve your self image then you will be on the right track - good luck with it!

Lone Stone

I have had to deal with life halting social anxiety since i was 20 when one day in work a armed gang stormed in as i was going on my lunch break and had several guns/sawn off shotgun /riffle shoved into my face and had to sit there as they count backwards from 20 saying they would kill me when they finished counting.This alone wasnt what caused my issue but it was the final nail in the coffin so to speak.

So i know all about anxiety like some of the other posters here im 26 in september its been a long and hard road to get back to any form of normality ive had to deal with depression and i was suicidal for a long time i just couldnt cope with anything to a point where i was sick all day every day for a few years i got so skinny people thought i was anerexic. I met a girl just before it all happend i was mad about pushed her away as it got worse i didnt know what was happening to me this became the same for family and friends i lost touch with most people i knew. Going outside my house was rare this turned into hardly leaving my bed room it was a snowball effect that quickly consumed my life.

I was pritty much exactly where you are now at some point i know everything seems bleak and you probaly dont feel anything at all i had no emotions towards anyway for a long time couldnt sleep couldnt eat i had no sense of time before i knew it 3 years had past and i lost it i went crazy i could understand how 3 years had passed me by the therapist i had been seeing wanted me to go to a "Rest home" this was my wake up call that made me try get my life back. I put my family through hell i put myself through hell and lost all my friends. I went to a therapist a cognative therapist even tried hypno therapy they all helped a little gave me little glimpses of a normal life i was lucky that i had a great gp who helped as i use to have an older gp from the stone age who didnt understand these things and just got me hooked on zanex and i had horrible with drawls from that.

When i found a gp who knew about panic attack disorder she helped me alot and eventualy found a way that helped me i tried a few medications it was some had bad side effects and made me depressed it was trial and error i eventualy got put on one that helped get back to a normal state of mind
i sometimes think i would be dead now if i didnt have that wake up call and got my ass in order to change some things in my life i still have panic attacks now and then they wont ever go away i know that its just a matter of learning how to live with them and dealing with them i went back to college last year had some bad days but overall its been a good experiance and im going back in september.

I know it seems like the only way out is to die some days but do yourself a favour go to your gp / local medical center what ever it is in your area explain how you feel and how long you have been this way and get help
its not an easy thing to live with but your young 20 get help and live life

Il tell you what i was put on im not giving you medical advise this is just what worked for me it mite not work for you, i only heard about it randomly in the matter one day a lady met my mother who was ill at the time and she got talking about anxiety she mentioned she had bad anxiety and was put on some meds that after a short period of time stoped her being anxious over alot of things i went to the my gp and asked about it and im off it now over a year or so it helped me alot it was called lexapro 5mg which is a small dose worked wonders for me i was able to keep my anxiety under controle and it helped me get my life back on track.

Edit: About the girlfriend , they come and they go !

ticktactoetwo

When your severly depressed you lack motivation. It a catch 22 situation. In order to overcome been depressed you must 'do' something about it. To be able to 'do' something you must have the motivation.

I tried to end my life when I was seven... looking back on it now it seems crazy at that age. Kitchen knife to the wrists. I had other attempts after that. I didn't know any different. I thought all kids felt like this and couldn't see outside the box. Parents were useless. Teen years were better, because at this stage I knew it wasn't normal to feel like that however it didn't stop me feeling that way. The overwhelming power of loss, grief, worthlessness, loneliness etc took its toll. Pathetic relationships didn't help.

What im getting at here is that you know feeling like this is not right. Don't blame yourself for feeling this way.... you obviously do for a reason. If your depressed then you are. Your girlfriend (or soon to be ex) is not helping you and is better off out of your life. Been paranoid is also a part of depression however in the case of your relationship you obviouly have reason so best get rid.

Medication can help get that motivation back so that you can maybe persue college and even go see a councellor. When you start seeing the councellor on a regular basis you can then (with the help of a gp) start to ween off the medication.

I can say right now, be positive, dont give up, you can do it, believe in yourself but when your reading this it could be just words on the page. Your heart feels physically heavy, your emotions feel dead and your energy is zero but somewhere deep down under that heavy feeling heart there is courage and the will to continue. Feel it... and go with it.

ticktactoetwo

Lone Stone wrote: »

it was called lexapro 5mg which is a small dose worked wonders for me i was able to keep my anxiety under controle and it helped me get my life back on track.
quote]

Ya i was on that, 20mgs however while it helped a bit unfortunalty it didn't help enough and so i was changed. I was put on a few different ones until the one that worked for me was found.

Op, it might seem daunting now, but its possible. :rolleyes::rolleyes:

Moonspell

To answer your question… for as long as you want or let it be a mess. You and you alone have the “power” to change your own life.
You are too focused in the bad things happening at the moment with you; try to think on the good ones, there is always something...
Certainly there are things you enjoy doing, so get involved in them or find something new and interesting that captivates your attention! When a problem comes to mind, push it back, keep you mind and body busy and eventually one day you will wake up and it’s gone.
Go outside your “bubble” and live life to the fullest, that’s what we are here for. Do something wild and crazy (within good sense) that you wouldn’t imagine you capable of, we all need to every now and then.
Every morning when you awake, look in the mirror, smile and say to yourself “Today will be a great day”, but say it with conviction.
You’re only 20, how can you think life is over when you have an entire life ahead of you to explore and enjoy.

As for ending you life, there is no courage in doing so. The courage is in living and make things happening. Be brave, embrace life.

Banana_montana

I suffer from anxiety... basically because I'm very insecure and I don't have a lot of confidence. Some days I'm ok and others I just feel scared. It all started when I experience dissaccociation [which is entirely normal by the way, and involuntary daydream to keep ot simple] but I panicked as opposed to saying... oh I just havent been getting enought sleep, or any other rational explanation. Ever since I've been very weary about going places with crowds and places with no easy escape route... i usually did it anyway but then i went to th UK for college with friends and man was i not ready... never actually got panick attacks but got very tight in the chest and was ful of worries... when I got home, i figured id never be ok... i have a very "why me" attitude towards it all. Now i know it can happen to ANYONE... Confidence is a HUGE thing and it sounds by your post that you don't have much of it [and that's ok].
Just work on that, and keep doing little things. I go to see someone now and I', doin great. Still makes me sad sometimes that I can't just be spontaneous without having so many "what if's", but it's on its way out, and soon I'll be back to my old self... but improved of course

I wish the same for you. It seems like you have been lumped with a lot of crap but just hang in there. Push yourself.

Everything will be ok in time:)

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the replys guys, some damn good advice. Ive had a real think about all this and im not letting it ruin mylife anymore. I need to fight the anxiety be it with help or not till i beat it and im pretty determined now. Once i get that sorted theres nothing stoping me from taking the next step to get a job, followed by money then off to try meet new people with me and get over the social anxiety and ill be a happy lad.

As for the GF situation, shes gone. Left her this morning. Everyone was right and i was a fool for not seeing it. It hurts now but screw her, she was only making matters alot worse and being a total whore...

I feel much better already that ive left her only 4/5 hours on sure...

Thanks for everything guys where would i be without boards.ie..

spinandscribble

tbh girls like her are ten a penny, her actions do not reflect your value as a human being. follow a interest or passion for awhile whatever it is. its all about you at this age. you have nothing holding you down.

Banana_montana

bigtroubledmess wrote: »

Thanks for all the replys guys, some damn good advice. Ive had a real think about all this and im not letting it ruin mylife anymore. I need to fight the anxiety be it with help or not till i beat it and im pretty determined now. Once i get that sorted theres nothing stoping me from taking the next step to get a job, followed by money then off to try meet new people with me and get over the social anxiety and ill be a happy lad.

As for the GF situation, shes gone. Left her this morning. Everyone was right and i was a fool for not seeing it. It hurts now but screw her, she was only making matters alot worse and being a total whore...

I feel much better already that ive left her only 4/5 hours on sure...

Thanks for everything guys where would i be without boards.ie..

Thats so so great to hear!
And sure now is a great time to focus on yourself and making yourself happy and carefree.
Anxiety will soon be a thing of the past!

ramtha

I haven't read the whole thread so if somebody has already advised exerise,please forgive me! I also gave a few more suggestions on a similar thread a few threads down... But , I swear start excerising.Its so vitally important,for anyone that wants to live a happy life and be fullfilled. And make it proper excerise. I know a few unhappy people and not one of them works up a sweat a few times a week. ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY.There are obviously lots of other components that make for a happy mind but that sure is one imho..

LegacyUser

Suffering stems from the inability to see life for what it really is. I bet your mind is constantly churning on and on and on. If you shine a light on the lies you tell yourself, do some self-investigation ,remain mindful and diligent and pay attention to what the mind is doing - you will become an observer of those thoughts rather than an interactor.

I recommend you do a search "byron katie" on youtube and listen to her method of self-investigation. She is refreshing!

The guided meditations on http://www.audiodharma.org/ are also very useful for learning mindfulness meditation.

You don't need outward things to make you happy, because all outward things are projected and perceived from within. Your ability to change outward things, events or people is limited - but you can change your attitude and thinking about them. This is where lies freedom! Acceptance of what is.

I know some people may laugh at my suggestions, but I really urge you to try this! It helped me immensely. It is a gradual process but it sounds like you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.

Good luck!