I thought I was over him...am I??

LegacyUser

Hey Guys,

Myself and my ex broke up 2 years ago after a 4 year relationship. Neither of us took the break up well and alot
of messiness ensued. Over the last 2 years we have hooked up countless times only for it to fall apart again.

He really hurt me when we broke up. Basically, he went out one Saturday night and cheated on me, came home
on Sunday and ended things then went out with this new girl for about 3 months. I was devastated. In time, I learned
to forgive him and we tried again but old resentments would come back and one of us would walk away.

I met a great guy at Christmas time and my ex was the furthest thing from my mind. I finally felt happy and over him.
I broke up with this new guy about a month ago cause things were moving way too fast for me. He told me he loved
me way too sson and basically worshipped me in a way that I found very unsettling and unattractive! So I ended it but felt
happy with my decsion and excited about being single and free to do wnat I want.

Que...the ex coming back on the scene to mess things up.

I haven't seen or spoken to him in about 8 months. He sent me an email asking if I'd like to meet for a drink as friends. He
said he felt that we could be friends at this stage since so much time has passed. He knew I had been seeing a guy and
said he felt no jealously even. So I agreed to meet for a drink last weekend and surprise surprise we ended up scoring. He
is so gorgeous and everytime I see him I secretly hope he doesn't look good but he always does. He told me he thought I
looked beautiful too.

Anyway, we slept togetehr and hung out in bed in the morning listening to tunes, massaging each other etc. He left at lunchtime
and my head was a bit of a mess but not too much. I still felt in control of my emotions. Then on Sunday I get a goodnight text.
This morning I have an email saying...Hey, how was dance class last night?....

I haven't replied because my heart started racing when I saw his name. Why is he texting me, why is he emailing me? I know that he
doesn't want me back so is this just his way of making sure I don't fully move on or something??

Sorry this is so long, I'm very confused. I thought I was over him and I think 80% of me is but he has this ability to throw me.

Do men get attached sometimes after sex the way women tend too? By that I mean, would sleeping with me have pulled him back a bit
too or could he shag me without much emotion??

Thanks lads & lassies

Wibbs

First off, how do you know he doesn't want you back? I mean you've gone back before. OK it went pear shaped, but his txts and emails suggest a little more than a once off shag. Now it could simply be he wants a friends with benefits situation, but it could be more on his side.

You're still not over him, because you still want to jump his bones basically. The 80% as you said that is over him is the intellectual part of you, the 20% is the physical. That's the bit that's "throws" you. They say men are led by their crotch, well in my experience women are just as likely to be if not more so. It's not as obvious as it's covered by emotions and terms like "spark/chemistry". Throw in the feelings of something not quite resolved and you'll keep going back, until you either get tried of him, like the recent bloke, which will turn you off, or you meet someone who revs your engine more.

When in the past women mates of mine have been in a similar situation, I ask them one thing; do you still want to rip his clothes off?. If the answer is yes, I tell them "I'm here for you if or when it goes pear shaped" and not much else. I don't give specific advice as I know until they lose the gra for the guy physically, they're pretty sure to keep going back. Not always but usually. With my male mates(and myself) that would be a rarer thing.

As for men getting emotionally attached after sex. It depends on the sex. A one off bit of fun, not so much. Sex with an ex with a lot of history is a different ball game. It can be a full stop on the moving on for some, but if it was he would be unlikely to be contacting you so soon after IMHO.

If it was me I'd ask him out straight what's what.

MJOR

Hey OP

A tough one if I am honest. I always say that never go back and bring friends never works because you are never quite on an even keel.

Don't forget however nice he is being now he hasn't always been that way.

Personally I'd give him a wide berth, you deserve a fresh new happy relationship.

LegacyUser

Wibbs wrote: »

First off, how do you know he doesn't want you back? I mean you've gone back before. OK it went pear shaped, but his txts and emails suggest a little more than a once off shag. Now it could simply be he wants a friends with benefits situation, but it could be more on his side.

You're still not over him, because you still want to jump his bones basically. The 80% as you said that is over him is the intellectual part of you, the 20% is the physical. That's the bit that's "throws" you. They say men are led by their crotch, well in my experience women are just as likely to be if not more so. It's not as obvious as it's covered by emotions and terms like "spark/chemistry". Throw in the feelings of something not quite resolved and you'll keep going back, until you either get tried of him, like the recent bloke, which will turn you off, or you meet someone who revs your engine more.

When in the past women mates of mine have been in a similar situation, I ask them one thing; do you still want to rip his clothes off?. If the answer is yes, I tell them "I'm here for you if or when it goes pear shaped" and not much else. I don't give specific advice as I know until they lose the gra for the guy physically, they're pretty sure to keep going back. Not always but usually. With my male mates(and myself) that would be a rarer thing.

As for men getting emotionally attached after sex. It depends on the sex. A one off bit of fun, not so much. Sex with an ex with a lot of history is a different ball game. It can be a full stop on the moving on for some, but if it was he would be unlikely to be contacting you so soon after IMHO.

If it was me I'd ask him out straight what's what.

Thank you for your view Wibbs.

I was thinking about asking him straight out but part of me is scared of what he'll say.
You know the whole....don't ask the question unless you can handle the answer thing..

See, I do still want to rip his clothes off and I know that he still wants to rip mine off but I'm not sure if that's all it is.

I thought he'd leave on Sunday and that would be it. i didn't think I'd get texts or emails and it almost feels like we're slipping back into the old pattern. I have this feeling that on Thursday he'll send me a casual mail saying...so, wanna meet for a drink on Saturday?
I'm worried that I'll say yes.

I also have an intuitive feeling that if a gorgeous girl came along who revved his engine more, as you say, that he'd be gone in a flash. He left me before for someone else, how can I possible trust him not to leave me again?

Maybe he's bored at the moment and I'm the hassle free easy option for him or maybe he still loves me. I doubt that though very much.

It's confusing me. Part of me wants to tell him to leave me alone but part of me loved hanging out with him last weekend.

Relationships, eh...who needs 'em! I always read PI and wonder why so many people are desperate to find someone. Being single has HUGE benefits..

I'm scared he's using me. The idea of him, a guy I loved deeply for 4 years, using me...makes me ill!!

Wibbs

Confusedbyex wrote: »

Thank you for your view Wibbs.

No worries. I could just as easily have it arseways mind.

I was thinking about asking him straight out but part of me is scared of what he'll say.
You know the whole....don't ask the question unless you can handle the answer thing..

But at least you would have the answer. If you're not sure what answer you would like to hear or how to deal wth that answer, that's the crux of it. Ask yourself honestly, what do you want?

See, I do still want to rip his clothes off and I know that he still wants to rip mine off but I'm not sure if that's all it is.

That's the problem with decisions based on the crotch area, for both men and women. In general women tend to throw more emotion in to the mix, which muddies the waters further.

I thought he'd leave on Sunday and that would be it. i didn't think I'd get texts or emails and it almost feels like we're slipping back into the old pattern. I have this feeling that on Thursday he'll send me a casual mail saying...so, wanna meet for a drink on Saturday?

Mayeb I'm wrong but if you thought that would be it and you didn't want another go at being a couple, then why worry? The 20% is messing with the 80%.

I'm worried that I'll say yes.

I'm not trying to be a smartarse, but chances are very high that you will.

I also have an intuitive feeling that if a gorgeous girl came along who revved his engine more, as you say, that he'd be gone in a flash.

The truth is that goes for everyone. If you met a bloke tomorrow that revved your engine more, you wouldn't meet your ex again.

He left me before for someone else, how can I possible trust him not to leave me again?

You can't. Now I believe that previous actions inform future ones, so in your position I would be also cautious. I also believe contrary to many that people do change. I've changed in the past. I would be very different now in relationships than say 5 years ago. It's possible he has changed and has decided you're the real deal. You won't know until you try. If that's what you want. Again I would say ask yourself what you honestly want. You can tell yourself that it's all physical. You can run through the 20/80% stuff, but is that what you really want to believe, or are you hoping for more. Put it this way if you knew with certainty he was into you and wouldn't cheat, would you try again? If the answer is yes, then you then have to decide if it's worth the risk. If the answer is no, then you'll either have to break contact entirely or just treat it as a friends with benefits/ex sex kinda thing. The latter is likely to be harder though.

Maybe he's bored at the moment and I'm the hassle free easy option for him or maybe he still loves me. I doubt that though very much.

Maybe, maybe not. The truth is you don't know. The only way you'll find out is asking him. Even then they're just words. The only way to know is to live it. Again if that's what you want.

It's confusing me. Part of me wants to tell him to leave me alone but part of me loved hanging out with him last weekend.

Back to 80/20% again.

Relationships, eh...who needs 'em! I always read PI and wonder why so many people are desperate to find someone. Being single has HUGE benefits..

Single or spoken for both have benefits to someone who is happy with themselves and their situation. Both are additions to your life. When they become subtractions to your life, the problems start. Then you have "I wish I was single" or "I wish I was with someone".

I'm scared he's using me. The idea of him, a guy I loved deeply for 4 years, using me...makes me ill!!

Presumably he loved you too at the time. Ask yourself your true needs and wants then when you know them asking him will be easier, no matter what the answer.

Aurora Borealis

Wibbs wrote: »

No worries. I could just as easily have it arseways mind.

But at least you would have the answer. If you're not sure what answer you would like to hear or how to deal wth that answer, that's the crux of it. Ask yourself honestly, what do you want?
That's the problem with decisions based on the crotch area, for both men and women. In general women tend to throw more emotion in to the mix, which muddies the waters further.

Mayeb I'm wrong but if you thought that would be it and you didn't want another go at being a couple, then why worry? The 20% is messing with the 80%.
I'm not trying to be a smartarse, but chances are very high that you will.

The truth is that goes for everyone. If you met a bloke tomorrow that revved your engine more, you wouldn't meet your ex again. You can't. Now I believe that previous actions inform future ones, so in your position I would be also cautious. I also believe contrary to many that people do change. I've changed in the past. I would be very different now in relationships than say 5 years ago. It's possible he has changed and has decided you're the real deal. You won't know until you try. If that's what you want. Again I would say ask yourself what you honestly want. You can tell yourself that it's all physical. You can run through the 20/80% stuff, but is that what you really want to believe, or are you hoping for more. Put it this way if you knew with certainty he was into you and wouldn't cheat, would you try again? If the answer is yes, then you then have to decide if it's worth the risk. If the answer is no, then you'll either have to break contact entirely or just treat it as a friends with benefits/ex sex kinda thing. The latter is likely to be harder though.

Maybe, maybe not. The truth is you don't know. The only way you'll find out is asking him. Even then they're just words. The only way to know is to live it. Again if that's what you want.
Back to 80/20% again.

Single or spoken for both have benefits to someone who is happy with themselves and their situation. Both are additions to your life. When they become subtractions to your life, the problems start. Then you have "I wish I was single" or "I wish I was with someone".

Presumably he loved you too at the time. Ask yourself your true needs and wants then when you know them asking him will be easier, no matter what the answer.

+1
As Wibbs says here I think you need to figure out what it is you want and then ask him straight out what he does. People do change in my opinion too and maybe he has too. Talk to him.

RedXIV

Confusedbyex wrote: »

I was thinking about asking him straight out but part of me is scared of what he'll say.
You know the whole....don't ask the question unless you can handle the answer thing..

This is up to you but if you don't ask him, you're going into mind games territory and from what i've read so far, no offence, you worry WAYYY too much for mind games and you think too much for it. Don't try them, you'll probably lose.

Confusedbyex wrote: »

See, I do still want to rip his clothes off and I know that he still wants to rip mine off but I'm not sure if that's all it is.

After getting texts the next day etc, i honestly wouldn't think that's all it is.

Confusedbyex wrote: »

I thought he'd leave on Sunday and that would be it. i didn't think I'd get texts or emails and it almost feels like we're slipping back into the old pattern. I have this feeling that on Thursday he'll send me a casual mail saying...so, wanna meet for a drink on Saturday?
I'm worried that I'll say yes.

Why worried? You're single, he's single. Alot of time has passed and yes you two have had alot of history but it is possible he wants to give it another whack. I spent 4 years of my life on and off with a girl before i finally got her out of my system. 4 bloody long years, and we went back into relationships pretty easily too, even after months of being apart. So he may still have that spark for you. and you blatantly still have it for him.

Confusedbyex wrote: »

I also have an intuitive feeling that if a gorgeous girl came along who revved his engine more, as you say, that he'd be gone in a flash. He left me before for someone else, how can I possible trust him not to leave me again?

Thats a question no one here can answer for you, you have to decide if you can live with his past indisgression and whether or not you can trust him not to do it again. In his defence, when it happened last time, he was honest enough to tell you. I'm not condoning it, but he did at least have the courage to tell you. But as i said, only you can decide if you can trust him again.

Confusedbyex wrote: »

Maybe he's bored at the moment and I'm the hassle free easy option for him or maybe he still loves me. I doubt that though very much.

Until you become a mind reader, you can't say for certain what he's thinking, i'd push for asking him what he wants. you have enough history for the right to ask this question now and he should understand why you are cautious. But don't assume what he is thinking. You don't know that.

Confusedbyex wrote: »

It's confusing me. Part of me wants to tell him to leave me alone but part of me loved hanging out with him last weekend.

This is the worst part of my advice, and the one part that no one ever listens to or even attempts to use. Don't put the rose tinted glasses on yet. Now i've told you this, but you probably won't listen. and if you put them on, i'd put money on you two trying a relationship together. If you can keep them off, even for just a little while longer, you might be able to gauge his intentions better.

Confusedbyex wrote: »

Relationships, eh...who needs 'em! I always read PI and wonder why so many people are desperate to find someone. Being single has HUGE benefits..

Course it does, but you can't find the primal desire to find a mate. it's so deeply engrained within your instincts that it's an integral part of you, whether you like it or not. I think being single is great, but being in a relationship seems more fulfilling, and in general makes me happier

Confusedbyex wrote: »

I'm scared he's using me. The idea of him, a guy I loved deeply for 4 years, using me...makes me ill!!

It may be just me, but i'd find it hard to believe that a guy who went out with a girl for so long could be as brutal as to "use" her at a later stage. 4 years together is powerful, you will have emotional ties for YEARS after that, and he's probably one of the few people in the world you think "gets" you. And you probably do the same to him.

In short, i say ask him. If he wants to start something, at least you know, if he doesn't, don't contact him again

LegacyUser

Whhoooaaa..you guys are good with the advice, Jesus!!

Well, you've given me a lot to think about.

Thanks a million and keep up the good work. fair play!