Long Goodbye

Sony

Hi,

I am going travelling for at least a year very shortly and leaving my girlfriend here - She could not come due to her job.

We are together 3 years and will break up before I go but i love her dearly...im afraid to commit to anything while away as i dont think it would be healthy for either of us.

Just wondering has anyone done anything similar - I am not even looking forward to going now because of the sad goodbye (which seems unnecessary). I already feel heartbroken - more for her than me as at least i will be off doing something exciting.

I am also worried I will find it hard to enjoy myself knowing what I did (the breakup) - there are several reasons why I should go travelling now (work, my house , money, age etc) and she is the only reason maybe I shouldnt have decided to go.

Anyway I made the decision and suppose I need a little support ...anyone done anything similar?? what can i say to such a heartbroken girl?

Thank you all

barbiegirl

not much you can say. Tell her you have feelings for her but need to get your travelling done. Be honest and if necessary a bit blunt, in that you probably will be with other girls, so she can and should date others. When you come back you'll see where you both are and take it from there. No ties, no recriminations etc. But remember you're on an adventure and there may be many girls, few of whom you'll in all liklihood run into again. She will be at home and could either enter into a new relationship or if when you come home you both want to try again, you will in all liklihood run into the guys she was with.
Sometimes these things survive, sometimes they don't. But honestly it sounds to me like you want to go and the relationship isn't that important other than not hurting her, I don't think you're in love with her.

bills

maybe get her to come out on holiday so you both have something to look forward to.
You obviously want to go though, so do or you will regret it.

Mulan

Sony, don't go away, I'm here all alone!!!

Sorry I couldn't resist it.

Just wondering how old you are?

Thanks

BrandonBlock

Listen man, just be very careful. Going away for a year means the chances are very high you will go your separate ways.

I've done the australia thing, and while some people have a great time - for other people it doesn't always work out. It's just travelling. You'll more than likely be back in Ireland this time 1 year from now with debt to clear (if you're like me) and nothing will have changed here.

Basically what I'm trying to say is if this girl is really special to you, and you love her and have a good relationship - it's not too late to change your mind regarding travelling. That's my 2 cents anyway

Rb

BrandonBlock wrote: »

Listen man, just be very careful. Going away for a year means the chances are very high you will go your separate ways.

I've done the australia thing, and while some people have a great time - for other people it doesn't always work out. It's just travelling. You'll more than likely be back in Ireland this time 1 year from now with debt to clear (if you're like me) and nothing will have changed here.

Basically what I'm trying to say is if this girl is really special to you, and you love her and have a good relationship - it's not too late to change your mind regarding travelling. That's my 2 cents anyway

Agreed. You're with her 3 years so she must be something special, Australia is overrated (I believe), just think of all the 1cm insects that could kill you afterall and therefore not worth losing something so special over.

Re-consider the trip, she'll be able to take a career break in the future where you can go travelling together.

You're effectively putting life on pause i.e though you'll meet new people and everything, a year from leaving you'll be leaving all that behind and coming back here where everyone will have moved on, including her.

It's up to you at the end of the day, Australia will always be there but she won't.

Pyr0

I agree with rb and Brandonblock, If I was in your position i'd wait it out another year or so, and if the chances arises when you're girlfriend can travel with you then all the better for both of you, I don't see why you'd give it all up unless you had a serious reason for it !

estar

i dont understand if you love her why you cant wait for her

herya

We lived apart with the bf for 1.5 years (different countries) and never thought of breaking up although we knew it would be hard. It was, but with the internet and everyday contact it wasn's as bad as expected and getting back together was awesome.

I am surprised how some people seem to assume that a longer travel *automatically* means breakup. If you both want it you can continue the relationship but if you'd rather break up for other reasons by all means do so, just don't justify it with your travelling...

Acoshla

oh my god i cant believe people are telling you to cancel your trip.

my boyfriend is currently in America, been together 4 and a half years, he's travelling with friends and I'm living with my best friends having a ball, we're free to do what we want but we keep in contact every few days and share stories and updates, he'll be back in October for a few weeks then off again for a few months.

we both know the score and that we want to be together in the long run but are young enough to do stuff individually, go enjoy yourself, tell her to do the same and meet up next year!

keep in contact and have a laugh about what ye're both doing and it'll all work out in the end, I did this before with an ex and it was a disaster so I'm not being unrealistically optimistic here, i've seen it from both sides and if it's meant to be it'll work out, don't miss an opportunity, if she loves you that much she won't want to hold you back, when my boyfriend got cold feet about the whole thing i talked him back into going, not having him moping here when he realised what he'd be missing.

Go, have fun!

Nathan251

Spadina wrote: »

oh my god i cant believe people are telling you to cancel your trip.

my boyfriend is currently in America, been together 4 and a half years, he's travelling with friends and I'm living with my best friends having a ball, we're free to do what we want but we keep in contact every few days and share stories and updates, he'll be back in October for a few weeks then off again for a few months.

we both know the score and that we want to be together in the long run but are young enough to do stuff individually, go enjoy yourself, tell her to do the same and meet up next year!

keep in contact and have a laugh about what ye're both doing and it'll all work out in the end, I did this before with an ex and it was a disaster so I'm not being unrealistically optimistic here, i've seen it from both sides and if it's meant to be it'll work out, don't miss an opportunity, if she loves you that much she won't want to hold you back, when my boyfriend got cold feet about the whole thing i talked him back into going, not having him moping here when he realised what he'd be missing.

Go, have fun!

so basically you are advocating open relationships, thats very modern and open-minded of you but i have only ever been ok with that kind of scenario when i like the girl but i'm not in love with her...if i truly love her i dont want other guys sticking their things inside of her-but if i just think she's a good laugh, a companion and occasional sex buddy then i don't really care and give the thumbs up to the whole "off you go and do your own thing" philosophy...each to their own and all that and i'm sure i'll be accused of being possesive, jealous whatever (which honestly are the last things i am) but the truth is when i love someone there are no conditions, negotiations, allowances, we are just completely dedicated and committed to each other, it's just an unspoken fact of a relation that is real love in my opinion and i'm sorry that you don't have that but you seem to be having a ball as you say so carry on

Suaimhneach

My gut reaction is if this is soemthing you wanna do, then do it. Dont stay if there is even the slightest chance you would hold it against your girlfriend! 3 years is a long time so maybe if it is anyway possible that in a year or two she can do then maybe wait, but dont risk something you'll wanna do for your whole life on just one thing.

MagicMarker

Personally if i loved a girl as much as you say you love yours, i would have no qualms waiting for her to be able to travel with me..If anything i would see it as a time i could save more money.

castie

If you stay im guessing you will be settling down and getting a full time job. If so the chances of you and the Gf getting the same time off is slim. I had an ex Gf of mine away for 9 months on naval duty. It was hard and there was lack of contact considering where she was but we got through it. It was a year later we hit the high seas ourselves...

LolaLuv

Personally, I think it's almost always a bad idea to put plans on hold for a relationship. Selfish though it may seem, while you're young your dreams should be your top priority.

BraziliaNZ

hmmm, i did it, I ran off on the nicest chick i've ever met 2 years ago, never really regretted it, but the first 6 months or so were pretty depressing, especially as she cut contact with me immedietly, which is fair enough, I mean it's a bastardly selfish thing to do as far as I'm concerned, but I did it anyway. Maybe it was different because she was early 30s and probably thought i'd be with her for the rest of her life. When you're with a woman who loves you and would do anything for you, then you tell her that you're going to up and eff off to have a great time on your own abroad because she just doesn't do enough for you, that's how some broads will feel about it, maybe not now, but maybe when some charming stranger is chatting her up in a couple of months when you're away and she's had a few drinks and she thinks, "oh what the heck that bastard wouldn't stay here with me anyway, he's probably slutting around Thailand now", or wherever it is you want to go. Anyway it's a big decision. The thought of going back home now just depresses the sh*t out of me because it'll remind me of her. So I don't want to go back. Unless you're sure you'll never regret breaking up with her, think long and hard.

LegacyUser

Guys, I'm totally with Spandina here. We live in an age where communication and travel are so popular that there is a new meaning to long distance relationships. I am working abroad and my GF in London, both Irish by the way. She comes out in between my 3 month rotations, and I get home as much as I can. Everyday contact and good friends make life easier. That's my opinion anyway. It's not an open relationship, it makes our meetings a lot more exciting! We need this experience so that when we do make a life together in years to come, hopefully, we will have a great oppurtunity to have 2 good jobs.

However, if a guy feels he needs to go travelling, I say go for it. But I do think the whole "work in OZ" thing is over rated. Can you not do 3 -4 months, travelling, try and see more that way. Fair enough, you'll probably spend more but feck it, you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb right!

Acoshla

Nathan251 wrote: »

it's just an unspoken fact of a relation that is real love in my opinion and i'm sorry that you don't have that but you seem to be having a ball as you say so carry on

I'd appreciate if you didn't judge my relationship based on your own ideas when I am just trying to give a different view to the original poster, I didn't come in here for help with my relationship thanks

MacRoc

If you go and you come back don't forget as posted above she will have been with other people, this can be a killer to get over.

You might think you'll be scoring lots of girls but remember she will prob start sleeping with someone else too, could you handle that if you got back in 3 years and she wanted you back knowing she had done it with another guy or a few? Even if you have been with loads of girls in Oz it might niggle at you for ages, just a thought.

Be realistic about what will happen if you go then decide, if it was me I wouldnt go not to sound cheesy but a great girl is more of a dream than a beach or two in Oz and a few random scores over 3 years then again maybe you'll find someone you really (!) love over there

dr.bollocko

It's the opportunity cost of time, the most valuable commodity of them all, on this ride we call life old son.

Ian Beale

Sony wrote: »

I am not even looking forward to going now because of the sad goodbye (which seems unnecessary). I already feel heartbroken - more for her than me as at least i will be off doing something exciting.

When I first read this thread I thought you could have kept in touch with skype and have a long distance relationship with your girlfriend seeing as you won't be gone for a long period of time.
However after re-reading the quote above I think its better off you do break up with her,you were with the girl for 3 years who you say you love dearly yet you made plans to go away and break up because you didn't think a long distance relationship would be healthy - if thats your only reason for breaking up with the girl thats really cold and you really should be thinking what your staying together for in the first place.

LegacyUser

Hiya!
When all of my friends were heading off to Oz years ago (i'm 29), I stayed here because i was seeing a guy. We were together for five years in the end, and as my friends headed off one by one, I felt that I couldn't...
And I kind of regret it...

We didn't stay together in the end. But if we were right for each other, I think it would have worked out even if I had gone travelling. Especially with Skype etc.

If travelling is something you need to get done, you won't just 'forget' about it. I'm heading off on a short trip next month - wish it was for longer and wish I'd done it before, but hey at least I'm going now...


Good luck either way!

MJOR

I don't see why you can't wait. Does love not conqeur all?

Well my friends guy went away and they stayed together, broke up stayed together all in the space of eight months.

Maybe you're right to just finish things make a clean break.

Magpie!

Well I've 2 perspectives on this, not sure if either will be any use to you but here goes:

I recently ended a long term (very) serious relationship as i felt that coming to the end of my 20s I had made too many sacrifices and passed up on too many experiences becasue he wasn't interested and it was always his way or the highway. In the end the resentment got too much and i had to question how much more I'd have to give up for him.

You said your gf couldn't go now due to work. Could she go in the future. Is there a possiblilty of a taking a number of shorter trips together later on, rather than doing the whole thing now? These would be compromises rather than sacrifices, and if you really love her you should think about it.

My second perspective on it is that after I left the lt relationship I started seeing a younger guy. Was meant to be just a fling but ended up seriously falling for him. When he started talking about travelling this summer i really encouraged him to go for it (thought we would be long finished by then tbh).
When he left we talked about picking up where we left off when he gets back, but I just don't know if thats possible, for all the reasons others have outlined.