to ask or not

LegacyUser

In a long term relationship, im a very organised person and if at all possible i like to no when my OH is planning a night out so then i can organise a girly night in or something but quite often he just announces he is going out and then just takes off, even if i ask him not to it seems to drive him out faster and he thinks its inferior to have to ask if he can go.
ive never asked him to ask me if he can or cant go out but his holier than thou " i can do whatever i want " attitude really pi**ed me off. If he did ask i would see it as courteous and respectful thing to have done, our attitudes are very far apart but who's right who's wrong ???

Wibbs

It's not "inferior", it's simple good manners to include you partner or mates or family for that matter in areas that may concern them.

NextSteps

It shouldn't be 'asking', though, it should be 'telling'! You don't want him to ask your permission, do you? Or do you?

RedXIV

i can see where you are coming from and in general, i would always let people know if i'm heading out or not but i have to admit, i have had nights where i'll be sitting in and all of a sudden, i get the urge to go out. I can't plan these, they just happen. If your OH is telling you or SOME of the nights he's going out on, it's possible he's giving you as much notice as he has.

Just throwing it out there, might make a bit of sense

WilmaRidesAgain

inferior wrote: »

In a long term relationship, im a very organised person and if at all possible i like to no when my OH is planning a night out so then i can organise a girly night in or something but quite often he just announces he is going out and then just takes off, even if i ask him not to it seems to drive him out faster and he thinks its inferior to have to ask if he can go.
ive never asked him to ask me if he can or cant go out but his holier than thou " i can do whatever i want " attitude really pi**ed me off. If he did ask i would see it as courteous and respectful thing to have done, our attitudes are very far apart but who's right who's wrong ???

I would think you might be a little "tightly wound" and this is probably not his style, he wants to appear as being able to come and go as he pleases and by having to "make appointments" as he might perceive it, he might feel suffocated and hence rebel, just surmising really as your post was short!
Anyway, its not as black and white as who is "right" and who is "wrong"

Im not clear on where you stand about this "having to ask" business as in one part of your post you say "ive never asked him to ask me if he can or cant go out" yet in another you say "If he did ask i would see it as courteous and respectful thing"

All in all, you might be coming accross as being a bit of a ballbreaker, what you perceive as being "organised" he might perceive as being controlling.

On the other hand, if he is doing this 3 or 4 times a week then you have a problem, its all about extent and degree OP !

LegacyUser

Is it wrong to want to be asked ? As i said i see it as being polite and showing respect yet he thinks he too good to have to ask .
I really didnt want him to go out yesterday cause i knew he was mad for a session and would just come home absolutely rotten drunk and i hate dealing with him when he that drunk but no matter what i said he was going out and that was that. It wasnt up for debate.

LegacyUser

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

I would think you might be a little "tightly wound" and this is probably not his style, he wants to appear as being able to come and go as he pleases and by having to "make appointments" as he might perceive it, he might feel suffocated and hence rebel, just surmising really as your post was short!
Anyway, its not as black and white as who is "right" and who is "wrong"

Im not clear on where you stand about this "having to ask" business as in one part of your post you say "ive never asked him to ask me if he can or cant go out" yet in another you say "If he did ask i would see it as courteous and respectful thing"

All in all, you might be coming accross as being a bit of a ballbreaker, what you perceive as being "organised" he might perceive as being controlling.

On the other hand, if he is doing this 3 or 4 times a week then you have a problem, its all about extent and degree OP !

Points taken. Thanks.Its an interesting perspective.

But less of the ballbreaker names LOL

Nuggles

People have different ways of organising stuff. I mean some people set a night out a few days ahead of time. Others(like me) send a text message at about saying "drinks?" And off we go.

I can see where you're coming from but I know I'd raise an eyebrow if my friend said "So guys when's the next night out? Need to know so I can let the boyfriend know in advance"

LegacyUser

So long as you both don't have any pre-arranged plans made then i dont see the problem!?

Guys are often not as organised as women, and nights out can be on the spur off the moment.

If you start objecting to him going out with his mates then you will come across as controlling and if you put the guilt trip on him and he starts staying at home more, then he will start to resent you, and will signal the beginning of the end for your relationship.

Maggie Simpson

inferior wrote: »

Is it wrong to want to be asked ? As i said i see it as being polite and showing respect yet he thinks he too good to have to ask .
I really didnt want him to go out yesterday cause i knew he was mad for a session and would just come home absolutely rotten drunk and i hate dealing with him when he that drunk but no matter what i said he was going out and that was that. It wasnt up for debate.

It seems that there might be a little more going on here than your original post. No-one should have to ask permission to go out, unless the other person is going to be impacted in some way. Essentially you expect him to stay in cause he hasn't told you otherwise & TBH that's a little controlling in my book.

However, seems there is more going on. You didn't want him going out, you didn't want him coming home drunk cause you hate dealing with him like that - is this what it's really about, rather than him "being polite and showin respect"?

Rb

inferior wrote: »

Is it wrong to want to be asked ?

Yes, very much so. You're not his mother, you've no "control" over him (though it appears you'd like some) and he's a grown adult. Therefore, he can do as he pleases. It's courteous to let you know he's heading out, but by no means should he actually have to seek your permission to.

I would say change your attitude and change it quick, it already appears as though he's "rebelling" against your attempts to control him and if you keep it up, you'll probably either find yourself single and alone or find him cheating on you.

inferior wrote:

As i said i see it as being polite and showing respect yet he thinks he too good to have to ask .

Again, you're not his mother and he does not need your permission.

inferior wrote:

I really didnt want him to go out yesterday cause i knew he was mad for a session and would just come home absolutely rotten drunk and i hate dealing with him when he that drunk but no matter what i said he was going out and that was that. It wasnt up for debate.

Exactly. As I said, he's a grown up and it's his choice what he does. If you'd wanted to do something as a couple (which you've clearly stated wasn't your reason for wanting him to stay in) then perhaps you'd have something to complain about, but as is he is an individual and can do as he pleases.

You seem to have a complete lack of respect for him yourself, again, I'd sort that out pretty quickly or you'll find yourself looking for another man.

To be honest, you won't find many men (and those who do will generally be weak/pathetic) who will let you control them in such a way. If you reverse the roles your attitude would be akin to those of men in the past whereby they thought they "owned" and "controlled" their wives and that they had to approve everything they did etc. It's disgraceful.

Nevyn

It is nice to be able to make plans to have people and I can understand your frustration at not being able to do so but why do you have to pick an evening when he will be out.

Make your plans inform him of them, tell him you are having a girls night in and you are going to take over the sitting room and let him choose to do what ever he wants for the evening.

If you are living together then some basic communitction and common courtesy should come into play.

LegacyUser

The only reason i would like to no if he is going out is because we live together and none of my friends live near where we live, the closest friend i have is over an hour away so when he decides to just up and leave im left there on my own cause i havent had time to organise something else. where as he on the other hand can ring anyone of his mates who all live a few minutes away.
I do understand that im coming across as controlling but i dont think its fair that i should have to sit at home all day bored off my head waiting for him to come home laughing and joking and drunk cause he last minute decided to take off with his friends for a session.

PurpleBerry

But why do you have to "organise something". Can you really not stand your own company? That's not an insult or anything, I know people like that. They can't stand being on their own for too long.

If he was going out all the time and leaving you in the lurch then obviously that would be a problem but if he goes out on a more sporadic basis then I don't see how it's a problem.

And, as said before, why must you wait to know what he's doing before you arrange something? Why not ring up a few mates now and say "Right, my place, Thursday" or arrange to meet up somewhere else.

If you want him to stay in with you on a specific night let him know so that he doesn't arrange something. Other than that I don't think you can demand he stay in just because you have no plans.

LegacyUser

Its not that i dont like my own company sometimes i welcome the break to just chill on my own i suppose really im starting to resent him a little because he has so many of his friends all near him and mine have either got babies and cant do anything last minute or live too far away.
I no this isnt his fault but i cant help how i feel.

Glowing

I find an empty house is a nice excuse to drink a bottle of wine, watch a girlie movie and just enjoy my own company, bliss!!!

MJOR

Well i can see your point but sometimes people just decide to do something. I'd understand your frustration if you had planned a night together and he heads off into the sunset....


Just a bit of common courtesy and bear in mind you aren't his keeper. You'll only drive yourself bonkers and come across as needy and clingy.

Zillah

You actually asked him to not go out and stay with you after he told you he was going out with some friends? Wow. I'd suggest you try being a little less clingy. He's not answerable to you, some people like spontaneity, and he's perfectly entitled to go out with your friends.

If this was a situation where he wasn't spending any time with you, or he was cancelling plans with you in favour of other people then you'd have a leg to stand on, right now its sound like you're being irrational and selfish.

RedXIV

Just a thought OP, whats stopping you making friends with people closer to home? over an hour away is your closest friend? surely you can beat that if you tried?

And as another person said, why wait for him to go out before you organise something? organise a night for yourself and the girls and let his plans work around yours for once

Nevyn

inferior why cant' you go visit them ?

LegacyUser

Ye are all right , i am coming across as clingy , i realise this but on one level, and i no this might sound stupid, but, we've always been sooooo close and im afraid he is going to start going out more without me . its sad i no. im going to have to find a way of being more secure in our relationship.
I enjoy spending as much time as i can with him and although i no this isnt healthy and that i need to give us both space.. its hard.

neuro-praxis

Hrm. Me and my partner always "ask" each other before we arrange to go out with others.

Example: "Is it ok if I head off with X on Wednesday night?"

We're together 10 years though and neither of us has ever said no to the other's request! But it does mean that one of us has the option to say, "You know, I was really hoping to spend that evening together" or "I was really hoping you could help me with X that night" or whatever. Rare, but asking each other does provide a space for the other person to state their needs.

OP, I don't think it's ok for my partner to come home stinking drunk. Some people think this is fine - I don't. A few pints, yes, buzzing yes, but stinking drunk - it's only ok as far as I'm concerned on those rare occasions where it happens accidentally! Maybe you have a problem with his drinking? Or maybe you are very worried that he will cheat on you while drunk? Or maybe you are very lonely in your situation? Or maybe he is not paying you enough attention and you feel his nights out come before you?

I'd say look deep down for the real issues and address them. If things in your relationship are not fair and your partner is not introducing you to his friends and making you a part of things, maybe you need to talk about that. Or maybe you need to talk about other stuff altogether.

Baby4

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

Yea i think your right baby4 , turning it into a positive thing could help it and i no i need to sort out my own social life , im def gonna make more of a conscious effort starting today, also going to buy him a gift for being a bitch !

barkingmadlolly

OP if I were your boyfriend I would be out of there like a shot. He does not need to ask your permission to go out, same as you dont need his permission to go out. Some people dont like planning a lot in advance and will go out spur of the moment. You are coming accross as very clingly and controlling and you will lose your boyfriend fast if you dont change your attitude.

Why dont you do what others here have suggested and organise your own nights with the girls and say it to your OH and let him make his own plans. If you are lonely as your friends live far away, perhaps its time to make some new friends that are closer, take a class like yoga, go dancing whatever it is that floats your boat. Get out with yourself and stop depending on your boyfriend so much. I dont mean to be harsh but I dont think you want your boyfriend to ask your permission to be polite, I think it might be that you are a bit lonely and resent him going out and having fun. Good luck OP

WilmaRidesAgain

<<he has so many of his friends all near him and mine have either got babies and cant do anything last minute or live too far away. >>

Oh God I can totally sympathise with you there, Im in the same shoes, friends ALL knocked up or sprogified, its really hard, I mean what do ya do, make all new ones and then THEY all get knocked up as well !!! ARGH !!!
I just wanna go the PUB ffs!!!

Its an occupational hazard of being a woman! SIGH !!

Anyway, sounds like you are on top of the problem girl !!! :pac:

WilmaRidesAgain

<<But less of the ballbreaker names LOL>>

Only jokin, just sayin what he MIGHT start thinkin !!!

Scootay

OP I think it's perfectly acceptable to expect the other half to give a bit of advance notice of a night out. The idea that this somehow equates to being clingy or looking for control I find incredibly immature. If you are in a relationship with someone then you need to consider them when making arrangements. It doesn't mean you have to ask permission but if it's such a chore to show a bit of consideration to your other half then maybe you need to reconsider your situation. (That bit's obviously not aimed at you OP)

Mr. Incognito

your boyfiend shouldn't have to "ask" your permission to go out ffs.

This is your problem and you are transferring the blame onto him.

Get a hobby, go visit your mates, catch up on a book or some study.

If you cannot enjoy your own company how is anyone else expected to.