Cheating on me ?

LegacyUser

My girlfriend is texting and calling this guy all the time ,over 500 texts a month and an hour on the phone, when i asked her about this she says he is a friend , i am confused she wont tell me his name so i rang the number but could not find the nerve to speak to him.recently she went off for a girls weekend but i cant help thinking that she met him ,am i being paranoid is this normal behavior ?.

MJOR

confused1 wrote: »

My girlfriend is texting and calling this guy all the time ,over 500 texts a month and an hour on the phone, when i asked her about this she says he is a friend , i am confused she wont tell me his name so i rang the number but could not find the nerve to speak to him.recently she went off for a girls weekend but i cant help thinking that she met him ,am i being paranoid is this normal behavior ?.

Its a big possibility that she is cheating on you but really other than asking her straight out there's not a lot you can do.

Why are you checking her phone etc?

I'b be wary of it but you have to not be checking her texts because you are driving yourself loopy

Maggie Simpson

confused1 wrote: »

My girlfriend is texting and calling this guy all the time ,over 500 texts a month and an hour on the phone, when i asked her about this she says he is a friend , i am confused she wont tell me his name so i rang the number but could not find the nerve to speak to him.recently she went off for a girls weekend but i cant help thinking that she met him ,am i being paranoid is this normal behavior ?.

Couple of questions:

How long have you been going out?
Does she know this guy long or is he a new friend?
How do you know how many texts she's sending him?

The fact that she won't even tell you his name is a very unreasonable......

Rb

The fact she won't even tell you his name says a lot.

Dump her. Given the nature of it, it's fair enough if you want to publicly humiliate her whilst doing so.

LegacyUser

Highly suspicious alright.
How would she feel if some girl was sending you lots of texts every month ?

I'd be seriously considering handing her a P45.

Wibbs

Maggie Simpson has good points. There's something fishy going on if she's in contact that much without giving you any background. Even if she was giving you background that would be fishy to say the least.

If she knows him for a while as a friend then why the secrecy? If he's an ex of any nature major alarm bells.
Now she may not be cheating in the physical sense, but she may very well be in the emotional sense. Either way the secrecy suggests something that she feels she needs to keep secret. Good rule of thumb as they say is if it's innocent then it could be easily shared.

TBH I wouldn't be too happy anyway.

LegacyUser

This has been going on about 4 months , i have seen her mobile bill and seen all the texts and phone calls to him,she wont leave her phone out of her hand she even takes it to the toilet with her btw we have 2 kids togeather

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

Couple of questions:

How long have you been going out?
Does she know this guy long or is he a new friend?
How do you know how many texts she's sending him?

The fact that she won't even tell you his name is a very unreasonable......

beautiation

Wibbs wrote: »

Maggie Simpson has good points. There's something fishy going on if she's in contact that much without giving you any background. Even if she was giving you background that would be fishy to say the least.

If she knows him for a while as a friend then why the secrecy? If he's an ex of any nature major alarm bells.
Now she may not be cheating in the physical sense, but she may very well be in the emotional sense. Either way the secrecy suggests something that she feels she needs to keep secret. Good rule of thumb as they say is if it's innocent then it could be easily shared.

TBH I wouldn't be too happy anyway.

Well let's not jump to conclusions. The OP hasn't said that his girl has been getting more distant or anything, so even if she is as thick as thieves with this bloke there's nothing wrong with that if she's still giving the OP attention too. 500 texts looks a big number but people send so many these days it's not really. Especially if one of them sends really short texts all the time. Some peeps can rack up about 5 each establishing what each of them had for lunch! And a one hour phone call is nothing unusual with a good mate.

But the fact he won't give you his name would suggest there may be more to it than friendship, unless it's osmeone you both know and she's afraid you'll confront him or something, but without knowing your character that's just speculation from me.

carlowguy32

it brings up the question, can a man and woman be just friends with no strings attached, i dont think so, there is definetly something going on, i would investigate it further though, maybe follow her some night or ring the fellow and ask him whats going on? it could also be that they are just friends now but that could develop so i would nip it in the bud either way, good luck with it

beautiation

carlowguy32 wrote: »

it brings up the question, can a man and woman be just friends with no strings attached, i dont think so, there is definetly something going on, i would investigate it further though, maybe follow her some night or ring the fellow and ask him whats going on? it could also be that they are just friends now but that could develop so i would nip it in the bud either way, good luck with it

Of course they can. Not everything's about sex.

And anyone who starts trying to dictate their partner's friendships is either going to end up alone, or in a relationship they'll never feel at ease in. There'll always be someone else she could go off with for you to worry about. You have to just trust sometimes.

Wibbs

beautiation wrote: »

so even if she is as thick as thieves with this bloke there's nothing wrong with that if she's still giving the OP attention too.

How many women would feel like that if their boyfriend was "thick as thieves" with another woman contacting and texting them 500 times a month, hiding the phone, but giving her attention too? Precious few I would imagine.

There can be a gender difference in this IMHO. Many women don't consider an over emotional attachment to other guys as cheating so long as the horizontal mambo isn't in play. Too often though when things go stale with the boyfriend it can translate into that.

Naturally it's a case of degree. I've got women mates and we're close, but not to the point of it being any issue for the guys in their lives. Plus they wouldn't be hiding the phone or txting to that degree. The level of secrecy is the issue. What is there to be secret about?

beautiation

Wibbs wrote: »

How many women would feel like that if their boyfriend was "thick as thieves" with another woman contacting and texting them 500 times a month, hiding the phone, but giving her attention too? Precious few I would imagine.

Nothing wrong with the texting, but I do agree the level of secrecy is worrying. 500 texts really isn't that much, it's only about 20 a day. It's really not that much these days, especially with free texts and all. Maybe the bloke's going through a hard time or something and she's just being a good friend to him? Just cos you're going out with someone doesn't mean you stop caring about your mates.

LegacyUser

Just to give you an example she texts me about 80 times a month and rarely calls me ,i always have to text her first, I think something is up but I cant bring myself to confront her as we will just end up having a huge argument .
Question for any woman out there if your partner was doing this what would you do ?

marti101

confused1 wrote: »

This has been going on about 4 months , i have seen her mobile bill and seen all the texts and phone calls to him,she wont leave her phone out of her hand she even takes it to the toilet with her btw we have 2 kids togeather

If she wont leave the phone on its own thats a badsign .My bf was like that even brought it to the toilet and then i found out he was cheating.Get a hold of the other fella and ask him dont bother asking your gf all she will do is ring the other fella and warn him.Ring him and catch him unawares and then see if you want to continue

coco06

Why dont you get her to invite him around to the house for dinner..
as soon as he comes in the door and you see the behaviour between the two you will know straight away..
If not then i would have no quams in playin dirty to find out for sure. eg checkin her/his messages/emails etc.
You dont want to be made a fool out of..

poses a question in my head now.. does the ability to text/email increase the risk of people having affairs????

Maggie Simpson

marti101 wrote: »

Get a hold of the other fella and ask him dont bother asking your gf all she will do is ring the other fella and warn him.Ring him and catch him unawares and then see if you want to continue

I'm sorry but I think this is terrible advice. The OP's relationship is with his GF, not this guy whose name he doesn't even know.

OP you asked what any women would do. So what I would is:

Ask my BF straight out what sort of relationship he has with this person. Explain to him why I think his behaviour is strange/unreasonable and ultimately if I wasn't confident that he was being stright with me, or wouldn't answer my questions, I wouldn't feel that I had much choice but to end the relationship.

Wibbs

confused1 wrote: »

Just to give you an example she texts me about 80 times a month and rarely calls me ,i always have to text her first, I think something is up but I cant bring myself to confront her as we will just end up having a huge argument .

If there's nothing to argue about why an argument is the way I look at it. She's having major text interaction(and other contact) with another guy for the last 4 months. Another guy who you don't know and she's very secretive about. You appear to be together for a while if you have two kids in tow, so it's not like she's 15 with a shiny new nokia.

Confront her. Now you're afraid to do so and that is part of the problem. She knows she can avoid you. She has done for 4 months. She's even taking the phone to the jax. Not confronting her is, contrary to how you may think, making you look less attractive if there is something going on. You will look weak in her eyes. Kiss of death.

If I was you I would confront her calmly and say this is making you uncomfortable. Say that you would like some explanation as to who this guy is. Say if he's a mate, could you meet him sometime. If she flips and pulls the "you don't trust me" angle, agree that you dislike having it get to this point but you would like some answer from her beyond "you don't trust me". Stick to your guns, but and this is important, do not raise your voice, do not get aggressive or pleading. Just state your case and listen to her answer. If you don't like the answer take it from there.

Lets say it's perfectly innocent. Lets say there's nada going on. Calmly confronting her may cause a little friction, but she will respect you more for standing up for yourself. If it is innocent she may think you an eejit for bringing it up, but so long as your calm she will answer you.

If it's not innocent, then you may get your answer, but even then you had the cahoneys to be direct.

Way better than skulking around wondering whats what.

Question for any woman out there if your partner was doing this what would you do ?

They'd flip, would be the general answer. I don't need to be a woman to suspect that. I guarantee any woman whose boyfriend and the father of her two kids was playing text tennis with another woman in secret and 50 times a day would be freaking out. No talk of "maybe it's innocent, maybe they're just mates, he has his own life etc" would begin to come into it. Even in open relationships honesty is a huge part of it(sometimes moreso).

As I guy my eyebrows would have been raised long before this TBH. I would want any partner of mine to have male mates. I've been in relationships where they didn't and it's not good as they relied on me too much for the male bits of their lives so to speak. Same with me I've got women mates and if a partner of mine got twitchy about that I wouldn't be happy. I like to think I would not cause a partner of mine to be unhappy with my women friends. There's a whole heap of difference between that and your situation though.

marti101

Maggie Simpson wrote: »

I'm sorry but I think this is terrible advice. The OP's relationship is with his GF, not this guy whose name he doesn't even know.

OP you asked what any women would do. So what I would is:

Ask my BF straight out what sort of relationship he has with this person. Explain to him why I think his behaviour is strange/unreasonable and ultimately if I wasn't confident that he was being stright with me, or wouldn't answer my questions, I wouldn't feel that I had much choice but to end the relationship.

Itts nott errible advice as im speaking from experience.Ring the other person and check out their reaction.And just because you dont agree with it doesnt make it wrong,his relationship is with the gf but the gf brought the other person in to the relationship.So you need to find out one way or another as its not good for the kids.

Maggie Simpson

marti101 wrote: »

Itts nott errible advice as im speaking from experience.Ring the other person and check out their reaction.And just because you dont agree with it doesnt make it wrong,his relationship is with the gf but the gf brought the other person in to the relationship.So you need to find out one way or another as its not good for the kids.

I stand by my comment. What do you propose the OP should say to this guy?? You've been having some sort of a relationship with my GF and I want to know what's going on??? I wouldn't have thought this would get much of a response.

IMO the OP would be far better to confront his GF directly. Not try & find out what's going on from a phone call to a person he has never spoken to. Difficult to guage a reaction from a complete stranger.

Nevyn

Sounds like she is at least emotionally cheating.

OP time to have a look at your relationship and figure out what it is this other bloke could be providing which is lacking in your relationship.

It can be hard with the daily grind rearing a family to remember to have fun and flirt as much as what you used to. I would suggest working on your relationship, organise a night out for the pair of you some where nice, spoil her for a few days, nothing over the top mind and then bring up the topic of how to make thing better in the realtionship and she what she says.

Build up the bonds, have a discussion about what both want and need and cut this other person off at the pass.

vorbis

I'm sorry OP but do you really need people here to spell it out to you. Odds on she is cheating. 500 texts a month?!! Thats infatuation level! Someone mentioned that it was only 20 a day! Thats a huge amount of contact to someone you don't even know. Most months I wouldn't send 500 texts total.

You can't continue like this man. Confront her about it. Since theres kids involved you need to decide if you want to work through this.

SarahSassy

Bottom line is that she has 2 kids and a partner - how does she find the time to send so many texts and spend an hour on the phone??? She finds the time cos she wants to spend the time... She wants to spend the time texting and talking to some guy as opposed to her own family.... This is not normal behaviour.... Its highly suspicious and I would ask her up front.

If you are at the stage where you have 2 kids together and you dont know who her (new best) friend is then there is something wrong....

OrangeDaisy

definitely sounds like she's cheating on you OP!!

Wibbs

vorbis wrote: »

I'm sorry OP but do you really need people here to spell it out to you. Odds on she is cheating. 500 texts a month?!! Thats infatuation level! Someone mentioned that it was only 20 a day! Thats a huge amount of contact to someone you don't even know. Most months I wouldn't send 500 texts total.

I have to agree. That's a helluva lot of texting. One of my exes was a texting fiend. I mean she kept vodafone shareholders in gravy level. And at the height of our "I wuv u snuggums/NO I wuv u more" madness, she(or I) would rarely and I mean rarely go over 8 texts a day. Usually more like 4 or 5 and we were living in different countries at the time. 20 texts a day when it's not the one your with is waaaaaaay over the top. A 14 year old giggly girl of the txt generation would wear out her thumbs at that rate. A women in a apparently committed relationship and mother of two kids? That's fishier than an explosion on a tuna boat.

I would also take Thaedydal's points on board, but you need to confront her. If there is something going on then it's down to you working out if you want to "fight" for her, or letting her walk. If it's fight for her then trust me you will lose and lose badly if you don't make a stand. Confront her.

Mr. Presentable

confused1 wrote: »

My girlfriend is texting and calling this guy all the time ,over 500 texts a month and an hour on the phone, when i asked her about this she says he is a friend , i am confused she wont tell me his name so i rang the number but could not find the nerve to speak to him.recently she went off for a girls weekend but i cant help thinking that she met him ,am i being paranoid is this normal behavior ?.

Go for a lads weekend. Come back Saturday night "unexpectedly".

Whether or not she is cheating the relationship is ruined now anyway.

Rb

Wow OP, after reading your follow up posts it really is as clear as day. 500 texts per month is absolute insanity.

Confronting her is one idea, simply breaking up with her is the best though. I realise you've two kids together, but sometimes you have to put yourself first and do what you need to be happy, and if that means breaking up with your cheating, untrustworthy girlfriend and sorting out custody and the like, then so be it.

Her behaviour is appauling. Sit her down and tell her it's over, otherwise this is going to eat at you for as long as you sit back and let it. Even if she acknowledges that its happening and promises to finish it, you won't be able to trust her in the future. It'll constantly be on your mind when she leaves the house etc. And you know what they say, once a cheater always a cheater.

DetectivFoxtrot

Rb wrote: »

Wow OP, after reading your follow up posts it really is as clear as day. 500 texts per month is absolute insanity.

Confronting her is one idea, simply breaking up with her is the best though. I realise you've two kids together, but sometimes you have to put yourself first and do what you need to be happy, and if that means breaking up with your cheating, untrustworthy girlfriend and sorting out custody and the like, then so be it.

Her behaviour is appauling. Sit her down and tell her it's over, otherwise this is going to eat at you for as long as you sit back and let it. Even if she acknowledges that its happening and promises to finish it, you won't be able to trust her in the future. It'll constantly be on your mind when she leaves the house etc. And you know what they say, once a cheater always a cheater.

This is terrible advice.

This is a knee-jerk reaction and would lead to conflict, the issue needs to be talked out calmly (as calmly as it can be). Breaking up with her is not his best option if he wants to make a go of it (irrespective of infidelity), some relationships can be saved after such events are exposed, and although it is highly likely that she is cheating this has yet to established!
Sometimes women have affairs because things aren't that exciting at home anymore but that's fixable if the OP is willing to work on it with his partner, therapy would be a good idea also. These things should be at least tried out before calling it a day imo.

The 'once a cheater.....' comment is a bit silly, tarring everyone with the same brush and all. All situations are different and not everyone re-cheats.

Wibbs and Thaedydal have it summed up in posts #17 and #20

Good luck OP, keep us posted

Rb

DetectivFoxtrot wrote: »

Breaking up with her is not his best option if he wants to make a go of it (irrespective of infidelity),

This is on the presumption he actually wants to take a cheater back. Most men with a sack wouldn't.

Sometimes women have affairs because things aren't that exciting at home anymore but that's fixable if the OP is willing to work on it with his partner, therapy would be a good idea also. These things should be at least tried out before calling it a day imo.

Hrmm, yes, lots of women do blame their partners for their infidelity, you're right there. At the end of the day though, all it really is, is an excuse and an attempt to dish the blame on someone else. Those who cheat and don't take full responsibility for it, well, they should be brought out and flogged in public as far as I'm concerned. Easy to blame someone else though, always is.

The 'once a cheater.....' comment is a bit silly, tarring everyone with the same brush and all. All situations are different and not everyone re-cheats.

Not everyone does but the overwhelming majority do. I mean, the woman has two children and is in a long term relationship, if she's able to go and betray her partner in such a way she deserves much more than just being broken up with. It's possibly the single worst thing she could do, bar perhaps killing their children.

As has often been touted, if you're going to cheat on someone, then break up with them and get on things by yourself.

There's kids involved but that doesn't mean much, for far too long people have given up their own happiness "for the kids". Fact is, most kids get over such breakups relatively quickly. Those who don't, well there's child counsellors for that and who have a tendancy to sort these things out quite neatly.


It's really up to the OP, if he's willing to risk her cheating again then he can take her back and go down the long, expensive route of trying to sort it out with therapy, whilst playing "happy families" while the kids are around. He's also risking being bitter and paranoid for the foreseeable future by doing so, so there really isn't much merit to it.

Fact of the matter is that cheaters have betrayed their partners trust in possibly the worst way possible, why on earth anyone would consider giving them a second chance is beyond me (I'd see it as a weakness/desperation/fear of being alone really).

There's no excuse for cheating on someone, absolutely none. A drunken kiss might be forgivable (though, personally I wouldn't even consider it) but from what the OP is saying it appears this has been going on for some time now.

Personally, I'd hire a PI, get evidence of the cheating and then bring it to court when the custody matters come up to use against the mother.

Anyway, best of luck OP, let us know how it transpires but don't be afraid of confronting her about it, and dropping her should it be proved that she is cheating. I know the prospect of being single after so many years could be terrifying/etc, but for your own mental health/happiness it'd probably be the best way forward.

DetectivFoxtrot

Rb wrote: »

This is on the presumption he actually wants to take a cheater back. Most men with a sack wouldn't.



Hrmm, yes, lots of women do blame their partners for their infidelity, you're right there. At the end of the day though, all it really is, is an excuse and an attempt to dish the blame on someone else. Those who cheat and don't take full responsibility for it, well, they should be brought out and flogged in public as far as I'm concerned. Easy to blame someone else though, always is.



Not everyone does but the overwhelming majority do. I mean, the woman has two children and is in a long term relationship, if she's able to go and betray her partner in such a way she deserves much more than just being broken up with. It's possibly the single worst thing she could do, bar perhaps killing their children.

As has often been touted, if you're going to cheat on someone, then break up with them and get on things by yourself.

There's kids involved but that doesn't mean much, for far too long people have given up their own happiness "for the kids". Fact is, most kids get over such breakups relatively quickly. Those who don't, well there's child counsellors for that and who have a tendancy to sort these things out quite neatly.


It's really up to the OP, if he's willing to risk her cheating again then he can take her back and go down the long, expensive route of trying to sort it out with therapy, whilst playing "happy families" while the kids are around. He's also risking being bitter and paranoid for the foreseeable future by doing so, so there really isn't much merit to it.

Fact of the matter is that cheaters have betrayed their partners trust in possibly the worst way possible, why on earth anyone would consider giving them a second chance is beyond me (I'd see it as a weakness/desperation/fear of being alone really).

There's no excuse for cheating on someone, absolutely none. A drunken kiss might be forgivable (though, personally I wouldn't even consider it) but from what the OP is saying it appears this has been going on for some time now.

Personally, I'd hire a PI, get evidence of the cheating and then bring it to court when the custody matters come up to use against the mother.

Anyway, best of luck OP, let us know how it transpires but don't be afraid of confronting her about it, and dropping her should it be proved that she is cheating. I know the prospect of being single after so many years could be terrifying/etc, but for your own mental health/happiness it'd probably be the best way forward.

I take your points RB and I'm not saying for one second that the OP is to blame, I just think these things can be worked out, spark re-ignited etc. Options should be explored before calling it a day - that's all I'm saying. If his partner is cheating then yes she is 100% responsible - I'm just saying that there are factors that lead up to women (and men) making a decision to cheat, factors that may (not always) be resolved with therapy. Yeah it may be pricey but if he wants them both to try and mend thingss then it needs to be explored.

I disagree with your point that says children get over it quickly, in my very direct experience they don't - it's crushing when a family unit splits up even if one party is philandering etc.

I'm aslo not one for supporting the notion of 'staying together for the sake of the kids' - that day is long gone thank god - there's lot's of miserable people in my extended family that lead miserable lives because they stayed for the kids... I just think though that if they want to stay together because they love each other then they should give it a go.

Anyway, were doing lots of presuming here, the OPs partner may be waiting for him to call it a day (absolving her of blame for breaking up the family), it doesn't seem like she cares about keeping her dalliances private anymore. Thi is probably the main factor in him not confonting the issue yet....

Swampy

Rb wrote: »

The fact she won't even tell you his name says a lot.

Dump her. Given the nature of it, it's fair enough if you want to publicly humiliate her whilst doing so.

exactly as above

Swampy

and also if I may

http://www.brickhousesecurity.com/cellphone-spy-simcardreader.html

recover deleted texts off her sim card.

peterm_sc

if she's friends, whats with the secrecy. rule 1 her and dump her.