How to save a dying relationship

LegacyUser

As the title suggests.

There's nothing either of us can do anymore.I love him but i'm so sick of it. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I think he's selfish, he thinks I expect too much. We're noth bored. We're both too tired to try anymore. I've been trying for too long, and he just couldn't be bothered. Earlier he made me sound like I've ruined his life just by being his girlfriend. If we're not arguing it's because I back down and let him do everything he wants, so our lives revolve around him. If I dont back down I'm being unreasonable according to him and there's another argument.

We own a house we cant sell now and I'm so scared.

Marksie

Third party mediation or counselling?

Its obvious that you are both entrenched in your own attitudes to each other. Both of you have to be willing to listen to the other and that I belive will take a third party to unentangle the issues.

Hitchhiker's Guide to...

Marksie wrote: »

Third party mediation or counselling?

Its obvious that you are both entrenched in your own attitudes to each other. Both of you have to be willing to listen to the other and that I belive will take a third party to unentangle the issues.

i really think you should take this advice

especially seeing as you have the financial connections and you seem to have tried a lot already to sort matters out

She Devil

I think people give up too easily these days ...
It just sounds like ye are getting on each others nerves, try something new and exciting, something to make you feel new and fresh, and i would definately suggest mediation.
Best of luck.

LegacyUser

She Devil wrote: »

I think people give up too easily these days ...
It just sounds like ye are getting on each others nerves, try something new and exciting, something to make you feel new and fresh, and i would definately suggest mediation.
Best of luck.

People do give up too easily, I totally agree, and I'd be willing to fight to the death if I thought he was working with me. But I feel like I'm going up against it. I'm willing to admit if I'm wrong, and work on what he thinks I need to work on. He will say straight out that he's sick of compromising, he's been doing it or the past 5 years. So have I, thats what relationships are.

I would love to try mediation, we spoke about it today. He thinks that using a counsellor is a sign of weakness. He wont do it, if he did, it would be brought up every time we have a disagreement.

What can we do that will make us feel fresh? I do think this would help, but money is very very tight. I just want to have a laugh with him, like we used to. We used to be so happy just being with each other. Now when we spend time together, it's just not the same.

Marksie

I am sorry, but if he can't see how mediation by a third party will help when its obvious that the relationship is going down the tubes then there isnt much hope.

if he wants to be all "manly" about it then it will be good practice for being single TBH.
You may want to consdider time apart, money or no. Priotities need to be sorted.
It IS possible to re discover what you saw in each other, but you have to be on grounding for communictaion in the first place

John Mason

you cant save a dead relationship, cos its dead


pack your stuff and move on

LadyE

how? wrote: »

As the title suggests.

There's nothing either of us can do anymore.I love him but i'm so sick of it. I want to go to sleep and not wake up. I think he's selfish, he thinks I expect too much. We're noth bored. We're both too tired to try anymore. I've been trying for too long, and he just couldn't be bothered. Earlier he made me sound like I've ruined his life just by being his girlfriend. If we're not arguing it's because I back down and let him do everything he wants, so our lives revolve around him. If I dont back down I'm being unreasonable according to him and there's another argument.

We own a house we cant sell now and I'm so scared.

So your not gonna split up because of the house?

You have both confined yourself to a lifetime of misery for a house??

The house has nothing to do with it, stop making excuses..if you both dont want to be in the relationship and couldnt be arsed trying then why are you wasting your life with each other and saying:

I want to go to sleep and not wake up.

That cant be healthy!

If you do think there is somehting there...then what have you done in the past to salvage it?

Beetlebum

irishbird wrote: »

you cant save a dead relationship, cos its dead


pack your stuff and move on

Worst. Advice. Ever.

Of course you can save a dead relationship if you're both willing to put the effort in.

JuliusCaesar

1. Mediation can be used to sort out issues financial in case of a break up

2. It takes more courage to go see a counsellor, than NOT to go.

John Mason

Beetlebum wrote: »

Worst. Advice. Ever.

Of course you can save a dead relationship if you're both willing to put the effort in.

well, if were prepared to put the effort in, in the first place, it wouldnt have got to the state its in. egro its a waste of time

they are only together because of the house

MJOR

the only reason to stay together is if you both really want to.

You both really have to want this. A house and circumstances that are making you miserable is no reason to hang around.

If he won't try mediation or counselling then it's even more difficult.

I'd suggest that if he won't try to fix it and meet halfway there isn't a lot of hope.

Maybe ye could rent out the house to pay the mortgage until the economy picks up?

ntlbell

What makes you think your can't sell the house?

Beetlebum

irishbird wrote: »

well, if were prepared to put the effort in, in the first place, it wouldnt have got to the state its in. egro its a waste of time

they are only together because of the house

She said she'd be willing to fight till the death for the relationship but she's worried that he isn't. Sounds like a scared, heart broken girl to me who deep down knows taht the reltionship is about to fall apart UNLESS she does something to save it.

It can be saved but only if he's willing to fight for it too.

People can fall out of love and then fall back into it.

Telling her to pack up and move on is bullsh*t advice.

heavyheart

irishbird wrote: »

well, if were prepared to put the effort in, in the first place, it wouldnt have got to the state its in. egro its a waste of time

they are only together because of the house

You talk some amount of rubbish irishbird. seriously.

Beetlebum

heavyheart wrote: »

You talk some amount of rubbish irishbird. seriously.

Well said, couldn't agree more. Seriously.

RedXIV

Beetlebum wrote: »

Well said, couldn't agree more. Seriously.

heavyheart wrote: »

You talk some amount of rubbish irishbird. seriously.

This doesn't help the OP and while your advice is valid, so is Irishbird's, as the OP stated, he doesn't seem interested in mediation or comprimising, this would indicate that he's not interested in rebuilding the relationship.

Someone else already said, you need to two to build a relationship, i'm not even sure if there is one in this instance.

Edit: backseat modding ftw!

heavyheart

RedXIV wrote: »

This doesn't help the OP and while your advice is valid, so is Irishbird's, as the OP stated, he doesn't seem interested in mediation or comprimising, this would indicate that he's not interested in rebuilding the relationship.

Someone else already said, you need to two to build a relationship, i'm not even sure if there is one in this instance.

Ah come on red, i dont think her post helped the op do you ? and in fact i think my post did help the op see that what irishbird said was rubbish and that her relationship is worth one more final fight. Love isnt just given away you no .....

RedXIV

heavyheart wrote: »

Ah come on red, i dont think her post helped the op do you ? and in fact i think my post did help the op see that what irishbird said was rubbish and that her relationship is worth one more final fight. Love isnt just given away you no .....

Maybe it did, maybe it didn't, doesn't change the fact that you don't post in here just to rubbish some one else's opinions. if we did that, this place wouldn't be as constructive :cool:

From what irishbird see's, she may not have the same patience as you. You should be proud of your patience, but don't knock someone else because they haven't got it.

The OP says she's too tired to try any more and her partner isn't cooperating. I'm an optimist but i'm also a realist. you need two willing people to make a relationship work.

Marksie

leave the modding to the mods.
Deal with the OP.
Irishbird is entitled to post in PI as long as it doesn't breach the charter.

Critiscising her post will in no way deal with the issue at hand. It is in the end up to the OP to choose which advice to leave and whihc to take

Casshern88

how? wrote: »

He thinks that using a counsellor is a sign of weakness. He wont do it, if he did, it would be brought up every time we have a disagreement.

That's your Que to tell him to cop the fu*k on and be a real man. If he doesn't want to work to save the relationship maybe your destiny lies elsewhere.

LegacyUser

I'm sorry if I made it sound like we were only together because of the house, that is not the only reson, but it is one of the things we have to consider. People break up all the time then decide to try again. If we break up, selling the house will be a stage of "never going back", so it is something on my mind because at the moment it is a symbol of our commitment to each other.

The title of the thread was how to save a dying relationship, not dead. We both have said we want to stay together, we just don't know how to.

It does take more courage to seek help than not to, but he wont talk about anything, this is adding to our problems, as I'm sure you can imagine. Then again, as far as he's concerned, my need to tak about everything causes problems too. Which it can, but sweeping things under the carpet does not work for me. It does not work full stop.

I had time to think today on my way home fom work, sitting in traffic . I realised that he is never protective, never proud of me, never happy just because I am, or sad just because I am, he doesn't worry about me, or do nice things "just because", things that create joy for me, mean nothing to him. Perhaps I do have unrealistic expectations, I know I'm focusing on the things he doesn't do there. Which is wrong, but it's just the frame of mind I'm in at the moment.

Ginny

how? wrote: »

People do give up too easily, I totally agree, and I'd be willing to fight to the death if I thought he was working with me. But I feel like I'm going up against it. I'm willing to admit if I'm wrong, and work on what he thinks I need to work on. He will say straight out that he's sick of compromising, he's been doing it or the past 5 years. So have I, thats what relationships are.

I would love to try mediation, we spoke about it today. He thinks that using a counsellor is a sign of weakness. He wont do it, if he did, it would be brought up every time we have a disagreement.

What can we do that will make us feel fresh? I do think this would help, but money is very very tight. I just want to have a laugh with him, like we used to. We used to be so happy just being with each other. Now when we spend time together, it's just not the same.

TBH he sounds extremely selfish, if he was willing to do anything to save the relationship, he'd try anything even counselling, even if HE thinks its silly.

How, this is ringing alarm bells for me, I've been in your position, running around after someone else making sure they're happy.
The compromising thing is worrying too, it sounds like he's keeping score if he's "Sick of it".
A relationship is about 2 people not one person "Backing down" to keep the other one happy.

You deserve to be happy, and honestly it doesn't sound like you are with him.

IanCurtis

GinnyJo wrote: »

TBH he sounds extremely selfish, if he was willing to do anything to save the relationship, he'd try anything even counselling, even if HE thinks its silly.

How, this is ringing alarm bells for me, I've been in your position, running around after someone else making sure they're happy.
The compromising thing is worrying too, it sounds like he's keeping score if he's "Sick of it".
A relationship is about 2 people not one person "Backing down" to keep the other one happy.

You deserve to be happy, and honestly it doesn't sound like you are with him.

Bear in mind we're only hearing one side of the story here. As you say, a relationship is about two people.

Ginny

*sigh* As we always do on PI, all I have commented on is the info the OP has given us.

Aurora Borealis

OP it doesn't bode well that your partner is not willing to even contemplate counseling. I'm afraid unless he is willing to make the effort to salvage things, be it with counseling or otherwise you're fighting a losing battle.

Talk to him. He's still there after all.

LegacyUser

Well we had a chat last night, during which we decided to continue trying. I said to him that maybe we do need to break up, he replied he doesn't want to. That we could work on it. So we agreed on what we were going to try do. But I still have a niggly feeling that it just wont work.

I don't know how other relationships are, I don't know if it's just his personality which makes him appear cold. He says he loves me when fighting, never otherwise, even when we had made up yesterday. Like I said in my earlier post, he never does nice things "just because". He doesn't see me as a good person, he's never proud of me, or protective of me etc. We just plod along. Maybe I'd be better off just finishing it. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I don't know if it's a bad patch or if it's a bad relationship.

John Mason

Beetlebum wrote: »

She said she'd be willing to fight till the death for the relationship but she's worried that he isn't. Sounds like a scared, heart broken girl to me who deep down knows taht the reltionship is about to fall apart UNLESS she does something to save it.

It can be saved but only if he's willing to fight for it too.

People can fall out of love and then fall back into it.

Telling her to pack up and move on is bullsh*t advice.

so you think it is better for her to stay there for another two year fighting to keep a relationship alive when the other person doesnt want to and will eventually leave for some other girl who wont hassle him as much about going to counselling

well if you think that best, thats your opinion but it is awful advice.

he has no interest in the relationship, you cant make someone fall back in with you no matter how much you want it.

TBH i have been there and not only do i have the t-shirt, i have the whole warehouse of merchandise.

unless two people want it to work, it is never going to happen

love doesnt conquer all

LadyE

how? wrote: »

Well we had a chat last night, during which we decided to continue trying. I said to him that maybe we do need to break up, he replied he doesn't want to. That we could work on it. So we agreed on what we were going to try do. But I still have a niggly feeling that it just wont work.

I don't know how other relationships are, I don't know if it's just his personality which makes him appear cold. He says he loves me when fighting, never otherwise, even when we had made up yesterday. Like I said in my earlier post, he never does nice things "just because". He doesn't see me as a good person, he's never proud of me, or protective of me etc. We just plod along. Maybe I'd be better off just finishing it. Maybe I'm expecting too much. I don't know if it's a bad patch or if it's a bad relationship.

If you really want it to work then be optimistic that he does want it. Have you discussed what you are going to do and how you will do it?

You sound like crap in your second paragraph...that you dont really want it...like its habit or something? Be true to yourself and it will work out...either way.

Dont stay in a relationship for the sake of it.

MJOR

It sounds a little like its an uphill struggle and you don't have the will or want to fight to save it anymore. I know it hasn't always been like that but maybe one last shot and him making a big effort too might save it?