if all he wants is sex maybe i should give it to him?

LegacyUser

Hi all
have a bit of a conundrum. Met this guy and we went out on a date and it went really well but we didnt kiss or anything but I still felt we were attracted to each other. Late that night we were texting and i was pretty anxious to meet up with him as soon as poss as he is cute and I like what I have seen. The texting went from casual, to flirting to downright dirty in a matter of hours with him suggesting he drive an hour to my place for sex. Now as much as I would have liked that I felt it was a tad early and I normally dont sleep with guys so early on. He then text the next day wanting to travle again to meet me after work for some 'fun' but he would havr to drive the hour back that night for work early the next morn (we would have 9pm-12am together only).

So the problem is I really want to have some fun with him but am afraid that sleeping with him so early will jeapordise anything else that may develop and I really would like soemthing to develop. But I am also worried that all he does want is sex anyway so me not sleeping with him (or just having fun) will mean i totally lose out! If thats all he wants (and I am not too adverse to it) i might as well get something out of it? Right? eekkk!
All advice/comments welcome

The_Conductor

He wants sex. Full stop. He does not want anything else. If you accept this, and use reasonable precautions- then go ahead. If you want something other than sex- e.g. someone to go out with or have a relationship (other than a shagbuddy) with- then ignore him.

philologos

smccarrick wrote: »

He wants sex. Full stop. He does not want anything else. If you accept this, and use reasonable precautions- then go ahead. If you want something other than sex- e.g. someone to go out with or have a relationship (other than a shagbuddy) with- then ignore him.

Indeed, if all he is concerned about is sex, he's not much concerned about you. If you want a meaningful relationship you need to find a guy who actually sees that there is more to life than sex. Don't compromise your standards due to pressures.

Dudess

If you'd like to have sex with him, why not? Sex early on isn't necessarily going to jeopardise things. People seem sure he's only after sex - maybe sex isn't the only thing he's after?

WindSock

Not worth the hassle if you think he will like you more if you have sex with him, because chances are he probably won't. If you are happy enough to go along and have no strings attached then go ahead, but it sounds to me like you may want something more from him.

nomorebadtown

he wants to have sex with you therefore he doesn't want a relationship with you? wrong.

he is a man. of course he wants to have sex with you. he will want sex whether he wants to go out with you or not. this is really not an indicator as to his future intentions imo.

any of the people i've gone out with - guess what - i fancied them straight away and thus i wanted to have sex with them! shock horror.

if you are getting the cheeky sleezy 'bump em and dump em' vibe off him then, by all means, steer clear.

philologos

Dudess wrote: »

If you'd like to have sex with him, why not? Sex early on isn't necessarily going to jeopardise things. People seem sure he's only after sex - maybe sex isn't the only thing he's after?

Which is why it would be better to wait and to see what he is really after before putting yourself into a painful situation surely?

WindSock

nomorebadtown wrote: »

any of the people i've gone out with - guess what - i fancied them straight away and thus i wanted to have sex with them! shock horror.

Yes of course, that is always an important factor for the beginning of any kind of relationship. But wouldn't you prefer it if the person you liked a lot were wooed into the sack after a few dates rather than jump straight in after hello?

nomorebadtown

WindSock wrote: »

Yes of course, that is always an important factor for the beginning of any kind of relationship. But wouldn't you prefer it if the person you liked a lot were wooed into the sack after a few dates rather than jump straight in after hello?

not really. i don't hold with out dated rituals and stupid mind games. plus i'm a young man so i don't take much wooing:D

Dudess

The OP indulged in explicit texting with him - not saying that's a cast-iron indication she was up for it immediately but it doesn't exactly say "listen, no sex for a few weeks buddy". She's even saying she'd like to have sex with him but feels held back by the notion it will ruin things - I don't see why it would.

SnowMonkey

Ask him is he looking for "fun" or is he looking for somehting else why beat around the bush be striaght up with him.,....

WindSock

nomorebadtown wrote: »

not really. i don't hold with out dated rituals and stupid mind games. plus i'm a young man so i don't take much wooing:D

No, it's not mind games but a lot of people like to know who they are hopping into the sack with, plus would you be a bit wary if your fancy popped her knickers off on the word go?

_blank_

Of course he wants sex, he fancies you.

You haven't goven enough details for anyone to say if he JUST wants sex or not.

If you want to have sex with him, go for it. Just don't ask him about relationship type stuff during the sex, or after the sex until you have at lest got out of bed and done some other non-sex related activity.

Because, if he is just after the sex bit of it, he will say anything he needs to say to ensure he keeps getting it, and you will more than likely believe him while you two are in the post-sex cuddling and saying swet nothings stage.

So, in short, if you want to shag him, do, but leave the relationshippy chats to another, non-sex, time.

G86

How old are you OP?

Why did you not kiss him on the first date? No kiss and now he wants sex?!

I don't think you should meet him, seems to me like the date didn't go too well, and he just wants to meet you now because he's not getting any. I may be a tad cynical but thats how it looks to me.

ponygirl

Hello OP,

Occurs to me is that you don't seem to trust yourself! Don't you feel comfortable with following / trusting your own instincts? (be they to go for it or go slow)
Why not trust yourself (whilst obviously taking any appropriate precautions) and do what you want instead of trying to second guess the desires and needs and values of someone you've only spent a few hours with?

Why start any type of relationship by judging yourself by someone elses values (imagined) values? Why not be *really* brave and ask for/state what you really want?

G'luck!

WindSock

Well the worrying part about it is the title:

ThinkThink! wrote: »

if all he wants is sex maybe i should give it to him?

Why should you compromise your integrity to give him what he wants? Do you want just sex?

Dudess

Normally I'd agree with that. But the OP has made it clear she also wants sex...

SarahSassy

I think when you started upping the ante in your texts and getting more sexual and explicit, he then took it as you were up for it..

Having sex with him now wont guarantee you a relationship with him and it wont guarantee you wont have a relationship with him. For some women though, it can make you more 'bonded' with the guy earlier on and if he does not want to develop the relationship you may get more hurt than you would be if you had not slept with him....

We cant read his mind and only you know what you can handle.

MagicMarker

WindSock wrote: »

Well the worrying part about it is the title:



Why should you compromise your integrity to give him what he wants? Do you want just sex?

Integrity? WTF?

If the OP wants sex, then so long as she's safe about it then there's no reason not to, integrity doesn't come into the situation.

OP: If i were you i'd try and keep my emotions detatched from this to a certain extent.

If he wants sex and you want sex then have sex. But don't think that the sex means anything. And most of all, don't expect anything.

It could turn out to be just based purely on sex, or it could turn out to be the real thing.

SnowMonkey

And allso if you sleep with him, you've got the knowing the fact that it was all for him to get his end away and ule feel cheep for a while, im a bloke and i feel lke that after a one night stand.. Not cheep but having sex is something you should do when your in an equal releationship not when your looking for a potentiol partner itle mess with your head it does mine ....

Is that really worth it ?

bye a dolphin or a rabbit...

LegacyUser

WindSock wrote: »

Not worth the hassle if you think he will like you more if you have sex with him, because chances are he probably won't. If you are happy enough to go along and have no strings attached then go ahead, but it sounds to me like you may want something more from him.

Yep, I would want more from him. No matter how hard I tried or tried to detatch my feeelings as someone said, I would end up liking him

RedXIV

OP, All you know for certain is this guy is attracted to you. Thats it, you don't know if he wants a relationship or not, you don't know if he's just looking for easy loving or not, all you know is that he's interested.

If you're interested, go for it, if you want to wait till your in a relationship, fine, tell him that. But if you want to have sex with him, do so. Don't fall into the belief that society will judge you because you enjoy sex. thats the whole point OF sex.

Pub07

Bid deal, sex on first or second date. My last girlfriend we had sex on the second date and we went out for nearly 3 years. My current one we had sex less than an hour after meeting lol and we ended up meeting for drinks later in the week and we've been getting on great since. I wouldn't think any less of a girl if we had sex early in the relationship, it's not 1950 anymore and there are no rules for this stuff.

MagicMarker

Think!Think! wrote: »

Yep, I would want more from him. No matter how hard I tried or tried to detatch my feeelings as someone said, I would end up liking him

Then don't do it.. Wait until you can get a better idea of his feelings.

It's clear that you would be heartbroken if you did this and he ****ed off.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone! Will try to reply to a few of the texts that hit a cord with me mostly. Hope this post isnt too messy (didnt know if i could quote multiple posts in my post!). I really appreciated all the help, I still feel sad about the whole situ though

Dudess said “The OP indulged in explicit texting with him - not saying that's a cast-iron indication she was up for it immediately but it doesn't exactly say "listen, no sex for a few weeks buddy". She's even saying she'd like to have sex with him but feels held back by the notion it will ruin things - I don't see why it would”

To get into the texting thing was a bad idea on my part. It was fun but did make him think that I was up for it (which I am) but not immediately. I don’t think anymore that it would ruin things, I am convinced now that there would be nothing to ruin but I would end up getting attached to him and I would get hurt.


G86 said “How old are you OP?

Why did you not kiss him on the first date? No kiss and now he wants sex?!

I don't think you should meet him, seems to me like the date didn't go too well, and he just wants to meet you now because he's not getting any. I may be a tad cynical but thats how it looks to me.”

25. I wanted to kiss him but wasn’t sure how he felt. The date did go well. Yes, in the saucy texting he did allude to the fact he hasn’t got some in a while. And if he was willing to drive 1hr at 9pm all of a sudden, outta the blue, I should’av got worried!

Windsock said re: my post title “Why should you compromise your integrity to give him what he wants? Do you want just sex?”

Yes I do. But I would want more too no matter how detatched I tried to become.

SarahSassy said “I think when you started upping the ante in your texts and getting more sexual and explicit, he then took it as you were up for it..

Having sex with him now wont guarantee you a relationship with him and it wont guarantee you wont have a relationship with him. For some women though, it can make you more 'bonded' with the guy earlier on and if he does not want to develop the relationship you may get more hurt than you would be if you had not slept with him....

We cant read his mind and only you know what you can handle”

Yep, am an idiot for upping the text ante. I just thought it would be harmless foreplay at an early stage. But in fact it revealed his true intentions

Snow Monkey said “Ask him is he looking for "fun" or is he looking for somehting else why beat around the bush be striaght up with him.,....”

Done and this is the latest update: Told him if he is just after casual sex he had the wrong girl but I would like to see him 2n but if he is coming for just sex then I am not interested. Surprise surprise…no reply…

Thanks to everyone for their 2cents, so valuable. If I hear from him again I would be shocked

Marksie

Juts a technical point OP. To make it easier for the posters to read (and saves you time), next to the quote button is a small button with a + on it and ".
Thats the multiquote option.
Click on that on each post you want to quote and then hit the quote button on the last post you want to quote

Does the whole thing for you..isnt technology wonderful

SarahSassy

ThinkThink! wrote: »

Done and this is the latest update: Told him if he is just after casual sex he had the wrong girl but I would like to see him 2n but if he is coming for just sex then I am not interested. Surprise surprise…no reply…

Well it's better to know now...

Hope it all works out for the best.

SS

MagicMarker

To be honest, you BOTH were texting the way you were.

If i was texting a girl and the convo turned raunchy on BOTH parts, and then the next day (or whenever) she text me saying that if i'm just looking for sex then not to bother. Then i wouldn't reply to her and her double standards either.

Plus i'd be quite offended.

LegacyUser

MagicMarker wrote: »

To be honest, you BOTH were texting the way you were.

If i was texting a girl and the convo turned raunchy on BOTH parts, and then the next day (or whenever) she text me saying that if i'm just looking for sex then not to bother. Then i wouldn't reply to her and her double standards either.

Plus i'd be quite offended.

Ah crap, I didnt really look at it from his side. I suppose I was just raging that he would expect JUST sex. Thats what I said though- not to bother if he JUST wanted sex but obv I would be well up for sex and more (well a few lousy dates at least!). Lesson learned there.

SnowMonkey

Chalk it down as experence and move on to your next date

Pub07

Yeah, engaging in the sex text and then texting him the next day with "Told him if he is just after casual sex he had the wrong girl but I would like to see him 2n but if he is coming for just sex then I am not interested." would piss me off if I was in his shoes - you shoulda just taken things naturally and met up again and if you wanted to go for it then, or not, so be it no big deal - to come out bluntly with that text comes across as you kind of messing with his head/nagging him and you're not even bf gf yet.

LegacyUser

Pub07 wrote: »

Yeah, engaging in the sex text and then texting him the next day with "Told him if he is just after casual sex he had the wrong girl but I would like to see him 2n but if he is coming for just sex then I am not interested." would piss me off if I was in his shoes - you shoulda just taken things naturally and met up again and if you wanted to go for it then, or not, so be it no big deal - to come out bluntly with that text comes across as you kind of messing with his head/nagging him and you're not even bf gf yet.

Again, good seeing it from the other side, didnt think of any of this. So from the other side would you all think its too late now? Now he pretty much knows im a nagging fecker! Or should I mayb drop a text to explain myself in some sort of way. O maybe leave well enough alone

SnowMonkey

I think you should just leave it...

tho from ops side i have to admitt ive gottin a bit far with flirty texts and had to deal with something similer so ......... it does happen to people and its just flirty texts geting out of hand ...

boarddotie

Marksie wrote: »

Juts a technical point OP. To make it easier for the posters to read (and saves you time), next to the quote button is a small button with a + on it and ".
Thats the multiquote option.
Click on that on each post you want to quote and then hit the quote button on the last post you want to quote

Does the whole thing for you..isnt technology wonderful

Dont think u can do this if you are not logged in/anonymous

Nathan251

hmmm interesting, i'll be very honest here as i always am, mindgames and secong-guerssing people bore me as i'll be dead in 50 years, after i have had sex with a woman i just want to leave/go/be anywhere else especially if i don't know them very well, if it is a girlfriend with a nice personality i don't mind so much but i find the whole post-sex forced intimacy and cuddling embarrassing...for me i just have a huge feeling of anti-climax after sex, like is that it???? is that the pinnacle of physical expression of human emotion? is that where the minefield of the dating game that we have all battled through eventually leads? don't get me wrong, i enjoy sex but i am starting to feel that there should be more, so much more coz i just feel empty after it most times...so i guess what i am trying to say in a roundabout way is to not get too focused on the sex thing

i was walking in galway city yesterday and a girl and a guy were walking along by the docks looking at the ducks in the water and smiling, relaxed, suddenly she went to push him into the water and he was shocked by this and stumbled a bit, but she was only pretending to push him in, so they both just laughed it off and embraced afterwards, everything about them was natural and right, nothing was forced or negative or analysed, they were just 2 people who liked being together and had fun together, i could tell this having seen them for only 1 minute maybe, i guess these "small moments" like pretending to push someone into the water are what really make life wonderful and define love

but we all just drink and hope and forget to be ourselves and worship at the altar of sex

i see very few brave and genuine people

stop hiding yourselves please, you are beautiful but only when you are you

RedXIV

ThinkThink! wrote: »

Again, good seeing it from the other side, didnt think of any of this. So from the other side would you all think its too late now? Now he pretty much knows im a nagging fecker! Or should I mayb drop a text to explain myself in some sort of way. O maybe leave well enough alone

No harm in seeing if you can salvage it. After all, the very worst he can do is say "get lost". You already said you like him so why not pursue it a bit more. Far too many people give up on things they haven't properly fought for in the first place. Admittedly, ball is DEF in your court now, but no situation is irreversable

Nuggles

ThinkThink! wrote: »

Hi all
The texting went from casual, to flirting to downright dirty in a matter of hours with him

I think this is where he decided he'd just be getting sex. He thinks you're just as up for it as he is.

Now you should just sex up him and then go and find some other fella for the whole "Relationship" thang you want. After the safe sex though.

Let's stay disease free now.

Miss Fluff

RedXIV wrote: »

No harm in seeing if you can salvage it. After all, the very worst he can do is say "get lost". You already said you like him so why not pursue it a bit more. Far too many people give up on things they haven't properly fought for in the first place. Admittedly, ball is DEF in your court now, but no situation is irreversable

I agree, if you are sure you can handle no-strings sex then why not be brazen about it OP? I think maybe him driving to you to have sex between 9-12pm is his way of telling you that that's all it is, sex. Why not suggest he drives down to see you on a weekend night and stay over? That way you can go for a few drinks, relax, then get down to business. Who knows, a relationship COULD well develop but I would surmise from the fact he was giving you a "window" of three hours, regardless of whether he had work or not the next day, means that he is after some commitment free sex. If you're up for it, and make sure you keep safe and he is not a complete weirdo then go for it.

BumblebeeGirl

If you like this guy then youre obviously going to like him even more after you sleep with him (always happens to me) , so i definitly think that it's a bad idea cause he doesnt seem to be interested in having a relationship with you...Be careful!!

MJOR

It depends on what you want... do you want a f*ck buddy? Or a boyfriend? It's a tough call but just go with your instinct. There isn't a lot you can do but ask him what his expectations are.

RedXIV

BumblebeeGirl wrote: »

If you like this guy then youre obviously going to like him even more after you sleep with him (always happens to me) , so i definitly think that it's a bad idea cause he doesnt seem to be interested in having a relationship with you...Be careful!!

Where did you get that part? All i've seen is a guy show a physical interest in a girl, offer to go over to spend time with her and then get a text saying that he should realise that the OP is not that kind of girl. Not one of the OP's posts has a quote from the fella saying he didn't want a relationship.

BumblebeeGirl

Maybe i read the post wrong, Apologies

Rozabeez

So the texting got dirty, did you respond or even start the dirty texts? If so, you basically told him you're up for sex. If you don't want him like that so soon, don't send him dirty texts so soon, I suggest if this doesn't work out then you keep that in mind for future, otherwise you're gonna be called a tease and depending on what you're like, you could get upset about that.

Marksie

boarddotie wrote: »

Dont think u can do this if you are not logged in/anonymous

I just tried and you are quite right.

Apologies OP

Nevyn

[noparse]

posterx wrote:

text to be quoted

[/noparse] =

posterx wrote:

text to be quoted

I don't understand why you took part in such over sexual text messaging if you weren't prepared for the outcome of those actions. You let him know that you were attracted to him and that you wished to play in that way and now you are back pedaling seeing where your libido has lead you.

You need to figure out what you want and be clear about it so that you are not messing him about.

Nathan251

i'm afraid ladies it's a case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't" these days

if you put out and show some sexual confidence and don't turn off all the lights and act like you are ashamed of sex, and really show enthusiasm and give it large in the sack, trying different stuff, being demanding, talking dirty...well that counts for great sex but i'd kind of lose allr espect for the girl as a potential girlfriend and only use her as a sex buddy, on the other hand is she plays games, makes me chase for a long time, isn't all that into wild sex...well then i get bored of her and consider her a frigid old goose, i really can't see a solution, that's why more and more people are going down the meaningless sex route-i guess we just got nothing really to aim for and at least that's fun for a while