i just cant take it anymore

LegacyUser

where to begin.

Right, well, i was with my ex-boyfriend for 3 years, during which time i had to move away for work. He was hurt by this, even though i had to go, and almost held a grudge against me for moving, which i could do nothing about; but it put a big strain on the relationship, and me, who had always depended on him so much, after finding it tought the first while, got over it and actually almost enjoyed the independence.

Anyway, i got a transfer back to my home town, so we were back in each others lives again, and it was good, even though he was still at college and was working, which can sometimes be hard but with us it was fine.

He was a brilliant boyfriend, trouble is a very close friend of mine, Tom, passed away shortly after i moved back and i didnt deal wit the grief well. He committed suicide, and as ihad personal experience of an attempt many years ago it churned up a lot of feelings, and i wished i could have done more to help him. Added to which, this friend had abit of a crush on me, as, if im honest i did for him aswell, but it was never acted upon or talked about; i knew how deeply i loved my boyfriend and would never have jeopardised our relationship. When Tom died tho, I couldn't help but wonder what if, i felt guilty, i felt sad, i was so bloody mixed up, and i missed my friend so much, and god love my boyfriend, he tried to be there for me but he didnt understand, and i felt wrong, for even thinking about the feelings i might have had for this dead friend, like i had cheated on him or something, and i hated myself, so i pushed him away, and i broke up with him, during a very inportant time in his life, which was selfish i know, but my head was all over the place and it was all i could do to keep going, without taking his problems on board aswell.

We were both shattered by the breakup, but remained very good friends as we had been through a lot. He did want to get back together and persisted in this for a year, and we did occassionnally fool around, but I wasnt ready for the intensity of our relationship again, and wanted to be free for a while, and get things back on track.

He is now living the single life and has started seeing another girl, which, i have to admit i am finding very hard. she stayed over last week and he let her use my straighteners, a spare set i had left in his and never bothered to collect, but when i walked into his kitchen and saw them there, i went crazy and smashed thme up, i just felt such rage at him , and at her.

He says he wants to marry me but isnt ready for lifetime commitment yet, but wants us to remain best friends like always. But i am finding this so hard, its like he is having his cake and eating it as far as i can make out.

I've been with a few guys but never anything serious; as it never compares to what i had with my ex. I really want him back, my head is sorted now and i know he's the one for me. He says i'm the one for him too, but just not yet.

I dont know what to do, im bawling writing this, i've tried cutting him off but i cant do without him, i miss him so much. Maybe i should move?? he is a good person, the best, and i just want him back so badly but all he says is not yet. I cant stand the thought of him with anybody else. We belong togther, he acknowledges this too, but why cant we be together now?

I dont know what to do. This is torturing me. And i just cant take it anymore.

Help.

barbiegirl

OK long story short, you dumped him, he hung about for a year trying to get you back. You said no, he then moved on. Now you want him back???
In this situation you can't stay "best friends", move on. Either you are together or not. If not, stop acting like a crazy girl, you'll get yourself in trouble. Why were you in his house unannounced?
Cry because it sounds liek you need it. Then write down all the goods things in your life, then what you want from life and finally what you need to do to get those things. This will give you focus and hopefully start to improve your situation. Also see about grief councelling in relation to your friend.

Carrigart Exile

By the sound of it OP you are the one that wants your cake and to eat it. You want the single life but want this guy to hang around waiting on you for maybe some time in the future.

I hope the smashing the tongs was completely out of character, if it was, then I suspect you remain very affected by your friends death, which by the way, was not your fault - just in case you think it was.

LegacyUser

Carrigart Exile wrote: »

By the sound of it OP you are the one that wants your cake and to eat it. You want the single life but want this guy to hang around waiting on you for maybe some time in the future.

I hope the smashing the tongs was completely out of character, if it was, then I suspect you remain very affected by your friends death, which by the way, was not your fault - just in case you think it was.

I dont want my cake and to eat it too. I think my ex does. We see each other every day; we are like boyfriend and girlfriend bar the intimacy. Yes I have been with other men since we broke up, we broke up two years ago. But i dont want to be with anybody other than him, anybody else i've been with has left me cold and empty.

I didnt break up with him because i wanted to live the single life. I broke up with him because my head was a mess and nothing made sense anymore and i needed to be on my own; it seemed like the only way to get through it. Also i felt that i wasn't a particularly good girlfriend at the time, becasue all i did was cry and cry and cry, and didnt show him any love or affection, and that wasn't fair on him either.

I dont know why i smashed up the tongs, it is out of character. I called up to his house for dinner the following day after his new girl had stayed over(she had gone home at this stage) and they were lying on the kitchen table. They had been tucked away in a cupboard somewhere for ages, but were still mine, and i saw red because he has a new woman in his bed, hes giving her my hair tongs , and yet whenever he has a problem, whenever he want s somebody to hang out with, whenever he need somebody to turn to, he turns to me. He has our life planned he tells me; but hes just not ready to start it yet. He says he is too young(hes three years my junior, 25) and wants to live his life before he settles down. Im trying to acceot it, but its hard when a man tells you that he loves you, but wants to be with other people. Because i love him, and only want to be with him.

And yes, im still not over my friend, his 2 year anniversary was last month. I dont think i'll ever be over it. It isnt easy.

DemocAnarchis

shattered742 wrote: »

whenever he has a problem, whenever he want s somebody to hang out with, whenever he need somebody to turn to, he turns to me. He has our life planned he tells me; but hes just not ready to start it yet. He says he is too young(hes three years my junior, 25) and wants to live his life before he settles down. Im trying to acceot it, but its hard when a man tells you that he loves you, but wants to be with other people. Because i love him, and only want to be with him.

To put it bluntly, he doesnt love you. You dont love someone and want to be with other people, its kinda contradictory. Sounds to me like he is keeping you as a someone to fall back on if his other relationship doesnt work out, because he knows that as long as he keeps you sweet you will continue following him around like a lost puppy.

You need to cop on. Either accept that he is with someone else and does not love you, and dispel any notions of ever being more than friends. or if you are unable to do that, break all ties and contact with him and move on with your life.

Pub07

How is he having his cake and eating it? You've got this thing the wrong way around - you broke up with and him he tried for a year, not a couple of weeks, an entire year, to get you back but you kept rejecting him and eventually he moved on. Did you think he should've just put up with your constant rejection and wait indefinitely for you in the hope that you'd change your mind?

So he's now seeing a new girl and seems very warry of giving it another shot with you....is it not obvious why...you dumped him and put him out of your life until another girl came on the scene and now all of a sudden you want him back - I'm sure it's entered his head that if you were able to drop him like that once you could certainly end up doing it again in future.

MagicMarker

Yeah, it's a ****ty situation but brought on only by yourself.

You dumped him, and he stuck around for a year waiting for you, by ''fooling around'' with him you gave him hope but instead of waiting any longer he decided to move on with his life and now you conveniently want him back as soon as he finds someone else.

You should forget about him and find someone else yourself.. He is not ''the one'', there is no such thing as ''the one''.. There are many people out there who you can be just as happy with.