fresh start

LegacyUser

First or second-time poster here, mid-20s, any advice appreciated.
I split up with my girlfriend of many years some months ago. She's moved
down the country now. We're on decent terms and speak at least every week.
She's always talking about other guys, which bugged me but is now not so bad.
The worst part is that she has no problems meeting new people whereas I'm
struggling from lack of practice. Not that I'm jealous, just upset that i'm not 'normal'.
I've never really had a reason to be good at chatting up women. I'm ok with people I know.

Another thing is that most of my friends have moved away after college, and
i've only occasional contact with them. I've few females around (kinda 0) that I could get
to know people through. I'd probably get tongue-tied and
appear over-eager anyway. I doubt I'll meet someone through work, not really my type
and it's often not a good idea.

I've tried some dating sites with limited success. Can't wait for September until the
place is full of students and the nightcourses start up again. It's only at work that I am
regularly around many new people. In the meantime, it feels like i've a lot to think about and
no-one to share with. It's worsened by the fact that I spend a lot of time
sorting out other people's problems.

Thanks,
Shy with a big heart

AARRRGH

abitlonely wrote: »

We're on decent terms and speak at least every week.

That's your first problem.

You're only making it more difficult to get over her by staying in contact, i.e. keeping her in your life.

abitlonely wrote: »

She's always talking about other guys

Nice girl.

abitlonely wrote: »

I've never really had a reason to be good at chatting up women.

Chatting up women is something that comes with practice. It's not something you're born with.

I used to be really good at chatting up women, but as I haven't done it in years, I'm sure I'd suck at it now.

There are other ways to meet women apart from chatting them up.

Join an art class, a language class, etc. They're always full of single people, in the same situation as you.

abitlonely wrote: »

it feels like i've a lot to think about and
no-one to share with.

You can always post on boards.

I'm at home all the time working on my thesis. Whenever I get a bit bored or lonely I pop onto boards.

I think, overall, the solution to your problem is to stop talking to your ex and to force yourself to join an acting class or something like that.

Kazobel

dublindude wrote: »

That's your first problem.

You're only making it more difficult to get over her by staying in contact, i.e. keeping her in your life.

+1 on this, I said it on another thread, whether intentional or not, everyones ex strives to seem like their life is going better, just cut contact and it's one less stress which is probably your biggest stress right now. Another thing, not being bad here but.., why are you so eager to be in another relationship? it sort of comes across that that's how you might be defining yourself and don't want in a relationship just to be with someone but want a relationship just so you can tell her you're with someone and that's not the basis of a successfull relationship. If you do that your next one will go the same way as your last because all you'll be doing is comparing the new girlfriend and playing "one up" with the old one. Forget relationships for a while, move on from your ex and do something thats totally selfish, anything. By selfish I mean do something in your life that she knows f**k all about, right now you're telling her everything and that gives her that grip on your life, find a place in your life that only you own and don't let her in (do a course, take up painting or fishing or something, just something for you) and you'll soon see that that place will take over and her effect on you will become weaker.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,
other people have told me to forget about her as well,
thing is that they were saying that when we were together.
It's tough to avoid her yet, she's still looks for random things back.

She's nice alright for talking about other guys, good call.

I will join a class or 2, it's just a pain as I don't drive yet
and everything in this town seems to be for students only.
Is going to classes something single people specifically do?

It's not that I really want a relationship. I need to get to know more
people first and then see if the right person shows up.

AARRRGH

abitlonely wrote: »

Is going to classes something single people specifically do?

I do quite a lot of classes and in my experience it's mostly single people.

It's a good way to meet people as there are always a few in the class on for a couple of pints

LegacyUser

I think yous're right. I got the great news that she and the fella
have given up drinking. She's also off the smokes. Are people really
that immature that they want to 1up on their ex? after a not-so-nasty break-up?

Lately, I haven't been living life for me. The place I moved into after the split
was hell (and i've been in a few). I couldn't bare to be there only to sleep. Probably
too many pints were had, I'd be at it most evenings. Just finished moving again today.
Hate the job but I've a few interviews coming up.

Anyways, I'll let you go now and help those needier than I

Kazobel

abitlonely wrote: »

Thanks guys,
other people have told me to forget about her as well,
thing is that they were saying that when we were together.
It's tough to avoid her yet, she's still looks for random things back..

Solution, get it all in a box and give it to her and say "That's everything, now leave me alone" and that will be it.

abitlonely wrote: »

It's not that I really want a relationship. I need to get to know more
people first and then see if the right person shows up.

That's your problem right there, stop looking for "the right person", don't define who you are by who you date, you don't need to be in a relationship to be happy. You've spent so long in a relationship that you're lost if you're not part of a "We", it's about time you started learning how to be a "Me" again. If you keep looking for "The Right Person" you may just end up with "The Wrong Person" just to become a "We" again.

LegacyUser

Kazobel wrote: »

stop looking for "the right person"

True, and I can see that in me. Not easy.
I do think that I should be making more of an effort though
to put myself around like-minded people.
There's been a bit of a drought lately! I probably want to in a
relationship coz i'm no use with women, probably why I 'put up'
with the last one for so long. Not that I didn't like her, it just wasn't quite right.

More pointers on being a "ME" would be good. I feel like a lot of
the places I go, people I meet, I am associated with her. I even still
have it in my head that stuff costs me twice the price.

G86

abitlonely wrote: »

She's always talking about other guys, which bugged me but is now not so bad.

Does she know how you feel about this? It could be just that she has moved on and thinks you have too, so she doesn't see that it could be hurting you to hear that kind of thing.

Its hard to stay friends, especially after a long term thing, there has to be boundaries set about what you should and shouldn't discuss, but even then it still won't work if you still feel something for her.

Chatting girls up isn't a 'skill', its just matter of being social and getting to know people. I know I'd much prefer to talk to a guy that was having the craic rather than one who came over all sleazy with the chat up lines! I know it can be hard but just put yourself out there, don't wait for invites, organise your own nights out, and get to know more people that way. Don't go jumping into another relationship straight away though - it won't last. You need to figure out who you are now on your own before you start sharing your life with someone else again.

Best of Luck

LegacyUser

G86 wrote: »

Does she know how you feel about this?

Yes, I've hung up on her before over that. With help from the above posts, I've
realised that she is that immature. It is, of course, making things easier for me.
I was pretty upset for upto 6-8 weeks, but that's fine now I see this side of her.

I'm not the type to be approaching girls at all, "chatting them up" (no sleaze),
but when i'm out with friends, they get the attention as they've all got louder personalities.
Most of them are someway attached already which makes me feel under pressure,
like i'll be all boring and that in a few years, less 'attractive' and end up alone.

I won't be throwing myself into a relationship (once bitten... another day's story)
but at the minute I'm not getting any attention at all.

Goin out tonight though