how do u "move on"

sickpuppy32

I was just wondering does anyone have any advice on getting over unrequieted love and moving on. Usually if i broke up with a girl in the past and it hurt i'd completely break contact until i felt better and get over it in time but i cant do that here, U see i have a beautiful daughter with this girl and I see her mum everyday and we're good friends and that situation was usually ok until i realised one day that i still completely loved this girl but she doesn't love me. So i go through the pain of a broken heart again with the same girl. She knows how i feel but i try to hide i cause I've been rejected too many times by her and it causes problems with seeing my kid then. Recently she's started coming up to my house, dropping our daughter off with me and then crossing the road to "watch videos" with my friend and neighbour. Now I trust my friend ~( at least i think i do) but it didn't stop me putting my fist through a wall cause my imagination was running riot and i was going mad with jealeousy.
I cant go on like this, its taking over my whole life and i really dont know what to do. any advice apprecaited

Ronaldo2

Putting fist through wall is definitely not good. The jealousy is definitely a problem. There is no easy way I'm afraid, especially when you have to see her regularly. Also for your daughters sake its better if things don't get strained between you. Hopefully your friend and your ex wil have the cop on not to start anything. In the mean time all you can do is focus on your self and your child

Dudess

Is your daughter the result of a relationship between you two, or just something casual?

ramtha

I think your problem is that you give away your power. Thats probably why this girl has "rejected you too many times". You've got to realize that there is a lesson in this and that lesson is that you've got to learn to love yourself and expect nobody else to.Relationships are only ever a bonus and sometimes its hard to maintain our sense of soverignity when with another yet its necessary if any relationships are going to last the course and remain functional and fullfilling.
You've been neglecting your own sense of self-esteem for too long and this is a wake up call from the universe to rediscover your own sense of self worth.Buy books,cds or whatever or laugh at my suggestions but your only and best option imo is to grow from this experience and growing requires gaining new knowledge and perspectives.
You've also got to start by respecting your ex. If she wants to get it on with whoever,thats her business.And the strange thing is that what you put out there comes back to you.By adopting an attitude of respect ,it frees your mind up from focusing on this fear and that lack and you end up respecting yourself.
I don't mean to sound like it can or will be a cakewalk and sometimes we've just got to honour our feelings and pain and sit with them.But by understanding that the solution lies with you , you can begin the slow and never ending journey of developing a sense of self-love and respect that puts you back in the driver seat of who you are.

*I do understand that its the constant contact with this person that won't give you the space to heal that is a large part of the problem and I've never experienced that so am not too qualified to give you advice.I did have a similar type problem without the constant contact and that was the advice I gave myself and its working....The embarrasment of sharing.:o

littlefriend

ramtha wrote: »

I think your problem is that you give away your power. Thats probably why this girl has "rejected you too many times". You've got to realize that there is a lesson in this and that lesson is that you've got to learn to love yourself and expect nobody else to.Relationships are only ever a bonus and sometimes its hard to maintain our sense of soverignity when with another yet its necessary if any relationships are going to last the course and remain functional and fullfilling.
You've been neglecting your own sense of self-esteem for too long and this is a wake up call from the universe to rediscover your own sense of self worth.Buy books,cds or whatever or laugh at my suggestions but your only and best option imo is to grow from this experience and growing requires gaining new knowledge and perspectives.
You've also got to start by respecting your ex. If she wants to get it on with whoever,thats her business.And the strange thing is that what you put out there comes back to you.By adopting an attitude of respect ,it frees your mind up from focusing on this fear and that lack and you end up respecting yourself.
I don't mean to sound like it can or will be a cakewalk and sometimes we've just got to honour our feelings and pain and sit with them.But by understanding that the solution lies with you , you can begin the slow and never ending journey of developing a sense of self-love and respect that puts you back in the driver seat of who you are.

The above is the best advice you will ever get and if you take it then your life will be infinitely happier - always. Please think about this for some time. You may need to see a counsellor to help you along the way. You don't have to tell anyone what you are doing. If you say where you are from then maybe ppl can suggest someone qualified in your area, otherwise a local GP could give you a few names. Learning [or rather discovering] who you are and who you can be is a wonderful feeling and it will bring benefits into every level of your life. I'm not some crazy person telling you this - I really believe its your way forward. I know it has helped me in a billion ways. Good luck

LegacyUser

That was some good advice alright, especially about self confidence.

OP I went through a similarly tough situation this year - and so I go unreg'd

I started seeing this amazing girl but in the end she just used me as a rebound. Unfortunately we lived together and for a lot of reasons we were stuck together in the same shared house. Anyway I let myself fall for her still and she kept having sleepovers with her guy friends, in the next room. Now im nearly sure nothing went on, she seems to just suck attention out of anyone that will give it to her. But that didnt stop me from imagining, getting very panicked, and hot blooded and angry at times. You go through a lot of time wondering whats wrong with you, and whats these other guys have that you dont - it just tears apart your self-esteem (the self-esteem I worked so hard to establish right before i met the bitch!)

Eventually though we got into a major fight, where i accused her of things and she accused me of things that weren't true, and it got somewhat physical. She threatened legal action if i didn't leave the next night (fair play, tbh) and we have not spoken a word since. I went to a counselor the next morning after I left and worked out a lot of why I got angry, but it wasn't until I read ramtha's post that I hit on the Self-Esteem issue.

Most importantly OP you have to keep a very conscious, very sharp eye on your anger. Especially with a kid involved. Thats exactly how my parents split - violently - and I was there, and I'll never forget it. You'd think with that I wouldnt let myself do the same thing but I did - showing you that you are never too safe from getting angry.

You should consider going to a counselor and talking things out. Work on your anger management, and just as importantly, work on your self-confidence and your self-worth.

sickpuppy32

Dudess wrote: »

Is your daughter the result of a relationship between you two, or just something casual?

its complicated ( aren't all relationships says u:) ), We'd known each other for ages and always had a spark but circumstances got in the way and when we eventually became a couple were only together for a short time but i had completely fallen in love with her and i thought she had with me. Now i was no innocent before that, i'd fallen for girls before and i know the difference between that and lust/infatuation, I also know that longitude has nothing to do with sucessful relationships and love. ( you could know someone 5 minutes and marry the next day and live a fairytale or you could live with someone years , get married and divorce the next day).

Anyway when she got pregnant, it took me a couple of days to get my head straight but she broke up with me then cause she didn't want to be "trapped" in a relationship. Now that hurt, hurt like hell but I got over it and we even spent some time away from each other to facilitate that. Then my beautiful daughter was born and we got close again and then i realised one day i still loved her but still no reciprocation. And I got over that and we did ok for a few years been each others best friends but not lovers. But last year she got really sick and I was at her bedside everyday with our kid and of course i realised i had walked down the same street again and fallen into the same pothole!
She's had other boyfriends over the last few years and I am usually ok with it as long as its not in my face but this current situation is completely wrecking my head. I feel like such a loser and yeah i've got theraphy which helped when i was getting it but it kinda ends at the door when you have to go back into that situation. I feel like a bigger loser now cause she fancies my friend ( who himself is getting over a broken heart so i know he'd respect our friendship), he's a real irish hero and a beter man than i and the fact that she chooses him over me really hurts, not to mention the fact that i'm the center of gossip with my neighbours seeing them together all the time and drawing conclusions - it makes me look like a cuckold.
I really dont want to be in the situation i am now looking out my window across to my mates place imagining whats goin on and going crazy. As far as i can see to her i',m a boyfriend but without the intimacy. I'm the first person she turns to when she's upset and needs a friend, a handout, a favour. A couple of months ago we slept together, we were drunk but i thought that just maybe I had a chance but when i put it to her, no dice. She "cares " for me but thats it........ i rather be hated

fits

Just dont be there for her anymore. She is having her cake and eating it at the moment. She knows you're available to her when she wants it without her having to commit.

It may seem like a contradiction, but your best chance of getting out of this in a favourable way is by backing off from her completely. Who knows, she might realise what she's missing when you're not there for her anymore (but that shouldnt be your motivation for doing it). You need to move on.

Kevster

Erase all contact with the person and vow to never reply to their messages again (Don't even read any message they send - just delete them straight-away). If necessary, change your e-mail address and phone number.

If you remain in contact, you are prolonging your misery.

Take care,
Kevin

Nevyn

ramtha read the charter for the rules for posting here and no matching making.

Kevster a cop parent who did that would be very irresponsible.

OP you need to change your boundaries so that you can be there for you child and not get caught up in exs life.
What are you doing with yourself when you don't have your little one ?
When was the last time you were on a date ?

You need to see that being a father to your daughter and a decent co parent to her mother does not sum up to being in a relationship with your ex.

sickpuppy32

Thaedydal wrote: »

ramtha read the charter for the rules for posting here and no matching making.

Kevster a cop parent who did that would be very irresponsible.

OP you need to change your boundaries so that you can be there for you child and not get caught up in exs life.
What are you doing with yourself when you don't have your little one ?
When was the last time you were on a date ?

You need to see that being a father to your daughter and a decent co parent to her mother does not sum up to being in a relationship with your ex.

yeah ur right of course, need to distance myself from her but she's like an addiction plus the fact that she's always poppping over to see my mate isn't helping, i work a lot so i usually have junior with me when i'm not working.

Nevyn

You still need to make time for youself besides just work and being there for your child.