Should I move home to Mum?

LegacyUser

I'm thinking of moving back in with my mother.

I am a single guy in my late 30s. I worked hard for my own place. I value my home life and my privacy. but now, after six or seven years, I am finding keeping up with the mortgage a strain. I just don't earn enough. I have no extra money for a holiday or even a few drinks, after all the bills are paid. I have no partner to help with the bills. And partly because I have no money to splash around, it's hard to find a partner.

My mother lives at home alone. She is desperately lonely, and lives for the couple of visits I make during the week, to keep an eye on her. She doesn't go out, and even if she did, I'd be worried she might fall or get into an accident or lose money or something. She isn't too sharp.

She wants me to move back home to her. Now, everything points to that being a good idea. For me, I would let my home, and the rent I receive would pay the mortgage. I'd have a bit of spare money, to give my mother a few bob, and to have more money for a life outside of work. I wouldn't have to drive up and down to see her, as I'd be there all the time. And I wouldn't be always living in a state of mild panic about my car breaking down and having no money to fix it, or some unforeseen problem that would cost more money than I have. And for the first time in years, I might get on my feet a bit financially.

For her, of course, would be the ideal situation where she wouldn't be on her own any more. All in all, a good solution for all involved. So why the problem?

Well, I'd be a guy in his late 30s, living at home with mum! While I'd have a few bob in my pocket, all option of bringing a nice girl home for the evening would be cut off. And to a small extent, my quiet home life would be no more, as I would have my mother constantly there, a presence in the background.

There's more issues too, I am sure, maybe some I haven't considered yet. What would the guys or gals here suggest? What would be the pros and cons? Is there anything else I should consider? I don't have the option of a better job, by the way, that's out of the question, unless I study for something, which I cannot do presently, because I have a mortgage to keep up. I already let a room in my home, and still haven't enough money. Catch 22!

Drift

Right - my opinion is probably going to be in the minority here but based on what you've said above it sounds like a good idea. There's no doubt a certain stereotype associated with single guys over a certain age living with their mothers but to be honest I think it's bull**** and especially so in your case where you moving home is partly to make sure your mother is ok. Any girl who doesn't see you taking care of your mother as kind and mature thing to do isn't worth the hassle.

Mortgageslave wrote: »

all option of bringing a nice girl home for the evening would be cut off.

Would it? When's the last time you lived at home. You're probably thinking of how your mother would have reacted if you brought a girl home when you were 16 years old. You're in your late thirties now. If you can have a talk with your mother I think it may be possible to get her to see you as a mature adult. The only problem I can see with it is the awkwardness factor for the girl in question who might jump to the stereotypical image of a man living with his mother. It's not something I've experienced so I've no idea.

The other option if this bothers you so much is to ask your mother to move in with you. You could then rent her house and it would be quite obvious to anyone that you had asked her to move in with you to take care of her. Whether that's worth doing solely for image purposes is questionable though.


My 2c, like I said though I've a feeling I'll be in the minority on this one. 25 year old guy if that makes any difference.

madser

I don't think I could ever go back home no matter how bad things got.:o

Redpunto

You'd need to set a time limit, as in 2 years ill save up enough and get on top of the finances but including you mum into teh equation?? SHes not going to need less help when she gets older but more, and will you be able to move out when shes more in need?

Beruthiel

Mortgageslave wrote: »

Well, I'd be a guy in his late 30s, living at home with mum! While I'd have a few bob in my pocket, all option of bringing a nice girl home for the evening would be cut off. And to a small extent, my quiet home life would be no more, as I would have my mother constantly there, a presence in the background.

A chap joined my company 3 years ago. He was 45 at the time and was living at home with his not so healthy parents, one of which has passed away at this stage.
He got married last year.
My point is, he did a great thing for his parents (something I'm not sure I could do) and yet had time to find himself a lovely woman to marry.
If it makes sense to you then do it.

Is there any place in the house where you could have your own space to turn into a sitting room? A spare room perhaps? That way when you wish to entertain you can do so.
Make that arrangement with your Ma before hand and get her to agree that it's your space and she's to steer clear at all costs. If ye can come to an arrangement like that, it should work for the both of you.

Mr Benevolent

I'm tempted to make snide remarks but they won't help. Here's some practical options:

1. Move back home and rent the place out.
2. Sell the effin' brick box and rent.
3. Rent out a room to help with the bills
4. Get a better job.
5. Sell and buy a cheaper house or apartment.

Drift

Beruthiel wrote: »

Is there any place in the house where you could have your own space to turn into a sitting room? A spare room perhaps? That way when you wish to entertain you can do so.
Make that arrangement with your Ma before hand and get her to agree that it's your space and she's to steer clear at all costs. If ye can come to an arrangement like that, it should work for the both of you.

Thats a very good idea.

Toots

2. Sell the effin' brick box and rent.

This would be a bad move unless he's really stuck. There'd be no point stepping off the property ladder now, especially with the way things are at the moment. Depending on when he bought the house, he may even be at a loss if he sells now, as the value may have dropped below what's left to pay off on his mortgage.

3. Rent out a room to help with the bills

A good idea, although from the original post, it seems that the OP is someone who values his privacy. If he's not sure about moving home to share with his mother, he probably wouldn't like having a total stranger living in the house.

4. Get a better job.

Also a good idea, although he may enjoy his current job. Also, his wages may not actually be that bad, when you consider he's paying a mortgage, all his household bills etc on his own.

5. Sell and buy a cheaper house or apartment.

Bad Idea!! With the amount of money he'd have to fork over in estate agent's fees, legal fees and stamp duty (considering he's not a first time buyer) he'd probably be worse off than he was before.

1. Move back home and rent the place out.

This is probably his best option. If living with his mother becomes unbearable, he'll always have his own house to go back to. Beruthiel's idea about having his own sitting room is a good one. I think living with his mum would be very do-able, provided some ground rules are established first so they're not always under each other's feet. OP, I wouldn't worry about any 'stigma' attached to still living with your mother. Most women would be impressed that you care for her so much that you moved home to take care of her.

If you really can't face moving back home, another option might be to rent out your place, and then rent a small apartment near to your mum's house. Somewhere small and cheap, so you'll still have a bit of extra cash, but you'll still have your own space. It'd have to work out financially though.

TomMc

I'm with the others here too. Quality of life is everything and no point been stuck in a rut. Move back as if your mortgage is been paid it is not as if you will not have a foot on the properly ladder so to speak and be back at square one (much later in years/age/life etc).

Parents brought us up and it is the least their children should do in return to look after them in their senior years. Certainly for anyone who had a good upbringing in a happy home and respects their parents.

Yes, it might be a bit offputting for some girls, but not the kind of girls worth bothering with. Anyone who could not respect and admire someone for looking after an elderly or a sick parent who is on their own (when they do not have their other half around) isn't worth it.

At some stage later on your mum may have to go into care or need full time medical supervision. No one could be expected to handle caring for someone on their own (both time wise and financially) in todays rat race society. Her home could possibly cover that and you would still have your own house to fall back on.

The only other thing is you owe it to yourself as well, to have a life. It is not been selfish but you cannot postpone your own life either. I would just hope your mum is of open-minded and would not treat you like a child or tie you to her apron strings, cramp your style. Not see that you have a life. She seems from your post, to be of sound mind so that's good. I have been there and through it all with my mum when she actually had alzheimer's (before it was actually diagnosed) so it was a real challenge at times. But this is not the case so good luck, whatever you do.

Dudess

The only pitfall I'd foresee if you move back in with your mother is the problems you'd face if/when moving back out. If you did move home, and I don't think it's a bad idea at all, maybe wait until the property market improves and then sell your place for a one-room property (maybe near enough to her?) and move into it. But the problem with that is: would your mum be ok? I know she'd have to be, seeing as it's your life, but still... would you have an upset mother to deal with?

My friend's dating a guy in his late 30s who's living with his mam and he's the opposite to the "loser" stereotype. People who live at home past a certain age can get slated round here but I don't see anything wrong with it in situations like yours, plus if you've a car and a reasonable level of space separate from the folks, well then it's not the worst. You're past the stage of living with a bunch of lads, you haven't met a long-term partner yet, so the only option at the moment is to live on your own or with a lodger (can be hit or miss), living at home really wouldn't be all that different.

Just make sure you don't get stuck in a rut of staying in every evening and getting comfy with the trappings of living with Mammy, as you don't want to be bringing out your inner Seymour Skinner . I'm only half joking - don't get too lazy in the evenings, make sure you have lots of activities and social outlets and live a separate life to your mum, and it won't be a bad option at all...

Just don't let it be a permanent thing.

LegacyUser

Thank you all very much, very helpful and encouraging! Lovely people!

magick

heres my 2 cents ,

move back with your mother, if she is lonely then she will be happy to have the company, (if u dont move back encourage to join a class or go to the local library). You will have at least some money left over to pay the mortgage. Thats if you and your mother get along alright.

Occidental

Dudess wrote: »

People who live at home past a certain age can get slated round here but I don't see anything wrong with it in situations like yours, plus if you've a car and a reasonable level of space separate from the folks, well then it's not the worst.

I've a friend who's going out with a lad who's still living at home with mam and dad. You can see from his behaviour that he's used to being pampered and thinks things magically clean themselves up after him. He's basically playing at life(lots of money, no responsibilities, no stress) and she's terrified that she's being lined up as a potential replacement for his mammy, rather than a partner.

This is the stereotypical mammy’s boy that women are trying to avoid and it's not you. You've been out of the house for years(I presume) and you know how to cook, clean and take responsibility for your own life. Women won't treat you with half the cynicism of the lad above as long as they know your history.

I'd move back, make sure I paid my way and agree some ground rules that you can both work with.

Good luck with getting your life back on track.

Grawns

Guy nearly 40 living with Mammy does set alarm bells ringing, but given the circumstances, ( you own your own house, mammy needs you, financial sense) girls might overlook it. The thing is you may never be able to extricate yourself once you move home. Do you have friends and a social life there and can you see yourself living there for the rest of her life.

Personally I live with my parents and my husband moved in with us. I run a family business and it makes sense. We have seperate sitting rooms and share a kitchen and it works great. I grew up with my grandparents living with us and I enjoy close family life.

ps. I wouldn't worry about bringing a girl home, sure they can bring you home!

watna

From the way you're talking I don't think you sound like a typical mammy's boy. You don't want to go back home so she can do your washing, rather the reverse. You want to mke sure she is not lonely and is looked after. You sound like a good son. I think if you explained to any potential gfs the reason you moved home they'd find you more attractive because you're obviously a family man!

If I were in your situation I would move back home. Having the exra money will be a bonus and you still have the knowledge that you own a property and have some assets.

As other posters said I'd talk to your mum and let her know that you'd love to live with her again but that you are a lot older and things would have to be different i.e. coming and going as you want (obv with letting her know where you are etc!) and bringing people home and having a bit of space with them. I think the sitting room thing is a very good idea.

Best of luck!

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Can I just throw in my 2 cents here and maybe give it to you from the perspective of the fact that things arent as bad as they might be.

Im in the same situation as you in regards to not being able to afford the house I live in.This is due to my husband walking out 4 months ago.I havent seen the bastard since but know hes around under some rock somewhere.

Ive just gotten off the phone with my new job. Its part time and in the evening after my own job. In short, Im going on the game.Tonight I see my first client and Im nervous as hell.Moving in with my mother would be a choice I would jump to in a heartbeat, but myne is dead and so is my dad, both were drug abusers and died early. I dont have anyone to turn to to help me out and this way I can manage the mortgage and bills a bit better.

Im terrified that I might be found out or arrested, but I have no choice unless I want to be homeless so when you look at it that way, you are not so badly off, even though I fully appreciate it all relative to our own situations.