Need some advice, relationship on the rocks

LegacyUser

Hi guys, not really sure where to begin. Im in a pretty horrible situation at the moment, and im trying to get my head around it. Any advice is greatly appreciated!

So I have been with my current gf for the guts of 3 years at this stage, and for the last month and a half we have been living together, as she recently changed jobs and it was convienient. Both of us are 21, and neither of us have lived together or with past partners. It went fine for about three or four weeks, but for the past fortnight things have been going steadily downhill. We seem to be grating off each other, both of us are working full time, herself only back from work at 8 in the evenings, so what time we have together is when we are both tired from work, and both of us a bit irritable.

The normality of it all doesnt affect me too much, but it is making my gf very upset. She says that she is bored of living here, bored of sex (personally im not even going to approach that issue at the moment, I want to fix the essentials first), told me last night she cried all the way into work yesterday because she felt so miserable.

She doesnt have any close friends that she socialises with, she used to but she fell out with them or lost contact (nothing to do with us as far as i am aware). So she doesnt go out on her own with friends at all. She has dropped gradually most of the hobbies she has, and when I suggest taking something up she cant pick something that she is interested in.

She told me that she feels I "treat her like ****" sometimes, and although obv she has a better perspective on it than me, I feel that I treat her pretty well. I have my flaws and can readily admit when I have said or done something hurtful, but cant help feel that she is blowing things out of proportion. For example, last night we were trying to book a hostel for a trip in november, and she had been looking at stuff for an hour and wasnt getting anywhere. I was sitting beside her, she wasnt using the computer at the time, and i went to show her one that i had seen the prev day, and she took it as me snapping at her and gave me the cold shoulder for the rest of the night.

I cant help thinking that some of this tension is because we are in each others faces all the time with very little personal time, but I cant exactly say "well go out and make friends and get a hobby instead of taking it out on me!" If i am ever in a bad mood, or even just a bit down, she asks me whats up, I say nothing, she says there is something, and I say im jsut a bit tired, and she then bitches at me for putting her in a bad mood.

I love her but I dont love living with her. I have though at several moments in the past that she is "the one" (hate that phrasing) but if we cant even live together for two months?



So it all came to a head last night, and basically what she said is that she loves me, but that this has to change, that she is bored of sitting in most nights (an opinion that i share too but what is there to do 8 at night 1hr from the city centre on a weeknight?). So I have two weeks to change the situation, and if it doesnt change then she is moving home and we are over for good. I really dont want to lose this girl, havent felt like this about anyone in the past and doubt i will again. I want to make this work but I dont know how.

I dont even know what I am asking, I am just throwing out ropes in every direction looking for advice and insight, friends, uncles, etc. So if any of you have taken the time to read this disjointed mess, thank you, and any input you have will be greatly appreciated.

Movershaker

From what you've said I can understand why you are throwing ropes in every direction! It sounds like she's the one with the problem, but she wants you to fix it somehow. If she's not happy she needs to make changes to her own life to fix that. I honestly don't know what you can do for her! At the end of the day you are both responsible for your own happiness.

Sorry to be absolutely no help at all, but I think she is asking the impossible.

RedXIV

Just an idea to throw out there, not sure if i have the right end of the stick here but if it's personal time she's looking for, could you not leave the house to go training, for a game with some mates, leave her on her own to unwind?

Or is this more an issue that she's sick of only working and not doing something social in the evenings? in which case without know where you are and what your local facilities are, it's a bit tricky.

LegacyUser

Movershaker: thanks, glad to know I have good reason to be confused

RedXIV: Its a bit of both really. We are living in castleknock, I am working here in an it company as part of a college placement. As its only 5 months, I havent (and am regretting it now) really gotten to know the area, but its pretty much all residential. Was massively active in college clubs and societies, but finished up for the summer. So agree, need to fing another outlet myself whether its going for a run or whatever.

She is sick of doing nothing social in the evenings, but is also that she feels isolated. Out housemates are polish, and while nice havent a word of english.Said last night that "i should feel alone if I have a boyfriend". She needs to make friends, but she doesnt know how to start.

I may be making her out to be a bit of a looper, but up until recently she was pretty normal and all was good

Mr Benevolent

Imagine being married to her... youch. The problems seem to be hers, maybe she misses being at home or something. She's given you two weeks to sort the problem? Hah! If she's blaming you for everything, forget it. This kind of stuff needs to be worked out by both parties.

I've lived with a girlfriend for two years before she got tired of me not going out with her - I wanted to stay in and use the computer. Hell she was even cheating at the end. The most important thing I learned was that you have to talk about problems, negotiate and find a middle ground. Neither person has the casting vote.

Now that I think of it, if she's no friends and no hobbies she's assuming you will entertain her. If she's bored of sex and living in the same house after 6 weeks... well, there are logical and not so logical options. Make sure not to get engaged just to patch things up. I've seen that happen before and it's not pretty.

havent felt like this about anyone in the past and doubt i will again

I took that line of thinking too. 'Boo hoo,' I thought. 'There's no-one better out there!'

I was wrong. Very wrong. The new girlfriend is infinitely better than the ex.

stevelknievel

As the others have said, the problem here is hers. The thing is we don't really know what the problem is. If it's that your doing enough stuff together, then cinema is an old (if a little cliched) reliable. Most people would be within half an hour of one, and most have shows on at 9 in the eve. You could maybe go to dance classes together or try learning something new together. I'm not sure if either of you drive. That would make options for evening a lot better. If you don't, then how about a bottle of wine and a DVD every Thursday or something like that. If the problem is she has no alone time, then really it's up to her to join a gym or club of some sort. There's not much you can do but make suggestions. Best of luck anyway OP, it's a tough situation to be in

Beruthiel

2weeks wrote: »

She doesnt have any close friends that she socialises with, she used to but she fell out with them or lost contact (nothing to do with us as far as i am aware). So she doesnt go out on her own with friends at all. She has dropped gradually most of the hobbies she has, and when I suggest taking something up she cant pick something that she is interested in..

This really isn't your problem you know. You're not there to entertain her 24/7.
She's doing something new, living somewhere new and is out of sorts because she is out of her comfort zone. She would appear to be putting that stress and loneliness on your shoulders instead of on her own.
You can only do so much, the rest of it is up to her. Have a chat with her and tell her that you will help her, but only if she is ready to help herself.

Fysh

This is mostly a +1 to the "it's her problem, there's not going to be much you can do to fix it". However, explaining to her that you can't fix her problems will be easier if you can at least make some suggestions of things to try. You say she's not keeping up with old hobbies; what about taking up something that you can both do together? (The first thought I had was something like squash, but it could equally be a book or film club, or any sport that has classes running nearby...) Heck, even something as simple as going for a long walk together in the evenings might help her feel that you're not just vegetating in front of the TV

Another important factor is your age - you're both 21; how long have you been working full time? I found it took me a good 6 months before I could adapt to working full time after college, and in those 6 months I was absolutely knackered in the evenings but still trying to use my "free time" the same way I did in college. Could this be a factor for you and your GF? If so, the only thing to do is give it time but at least if you're aware of it you can try to limit how much you try to overstretch yourself.

Of course, all of the above suggests that she's willing to pitch in to get things fixed. I'm not convinced from your post that she is, and TBH if she's demanding that you fix all her problems for her she doesn't sound ready to be living together with you. Relationships are based on compromise and communication, and for those involving cohabitation this is doubly so.

niceoneted

Hey Op,

I feel sorry for you. In my lifetimes experience I have found that most if not all of my female friends drop everyone and everything in sight when they meed someone they like. They go out for a time and the next thing you know they are bored and are blaming the guy.
Why do they not stick with there friends and hobbies and combine them with the relationship is a question I would love to have answered, perhaps someone will do a PHD in it some day.
Going back to your post it is her problem. She needs to be happy in herself before she is happy in the relationship and perhaps she gave up to much early on and is now realising she has nothing apart from you - which although may be along way to being enough is not!
She needs to sort her head. I hope it all goes well for you,

Abi

2weeks wrote: »

I love her but I dont love living with her. I have though at several moments in the past that she is "the one" (hate that phrasing) but if we cant even live together for two months?

To me, it seems moving in together was a bit premature. I know you said you are with each other a few years, which means you are comfortable with each other, but maybe not 'living together' comfortable yet.

that she is bored of sitting in most nights (an opinion that i share too but what is there to do 8 at night 1hr from the city centre on a weeknight?). So I have two weeks to change the situation, and if it doesnt change then she is moving home and we are over for good.

I'd be inclined to agree with her, you are both young. Fair enough if you were both at the stage you don't mind sitting in together, but it only takes one of you to be unhappy with it for it not to work.

I really dont want to lose this girl, havent felt like this about anyone in the past and doubt i will again. I want to make this work but I dont know how.

Nobody said you will lose her if you both move back home. It doesnt need to spell the end of the relationship, you tried the living together thing and found out it was a bit premature- thats all, no biggie.

I might add though, I'd have the moving home chat with her soon. Leaving a matter like that undealt with could leave you both feeling resentful of the other.


Just remember though, it doesnt mean the end.

The Mighty Ken

Cold shoulder? Threatening to dump you if you don't dance like a monkey for her? She sounds like a miserable bitch to be honest. Dump her and find someone that makes you happy (and that you make happy).

Cazlou

I'd agree that it's not your sole problem to sort out.
But you say about doing things in the evenings, you're in Castleknock so you're not all that far from town. But even so, just up the road you've got Blanchardstown S.C. There's plenty of things to do there in the evenings whether it's wandering around late-night shopping, having something to eat, going to the cinema, the 'Plex can be great craic - if you can play snooker or pool, show her how to! or bowling or air-hockey - it's a great escape for a few hours and allows you to act like kids for a bit:D Not forgetting the Aquatic Centre - go up some weekend day and have a splash about together. there's a few nice pubs/restaurants around Castleknock too - you could meet at one after work, have a bite to eat and a couple of drinks before heading home..
just a few suggestions anyway..

She Devil

I dont think bitching about his girlfriend is helping his situation! And don't forget guys there are two sides to every story.
Sounds to me like the girl needs a little attention, but make sure she knows its a two way thing. Have the chat but dont let her be in control. The change of control will shock her and worry her, at the end of the day she will want to keep you if she really loves you so she will work for it to.
Best of luck with it dude, sounds like you really like this girl.

AngryBadger

OP I'd be very unimpressed with the gf putting this ultimatum on the table. she's not happy, and so she decides it;s up to you to fix things?

I dunno, I get that you have strong feeligns for this girl, but I'd be inclinced to walk if someone approached me like that.

coco85

Hey OP,

Sounds like your gf is having difficulties adapting to 'normal' life outside of college, It took me a good 2/3 years after college to settle into 'normal' life!..

As for moving in with a man-its a big step for her she is only 21 after all and i can definitly say that its a huge change for any woman. I found it strange moving in with my bf at the start.. getting used to having to watch the soccar on tv etc!!!..

Its not fair on u giving you two weeks to sort the prob when i think it is her who has the prob- she needs to chill out a bit and find some new friends-poss at work and start from there?

Best of luck

ticktactoetwo

Hi OP

I actually feel for your girlfriend as she is obviously going through a difficult moment. She is not happy, but i dont think its got to do with yer situation or you! She has lost contact with her friends, she works late, has no interest in taking up a new hobbie and if she does has no interest in continuing. When your unhappy she gets gets annoyed - i think this is because she is already unhappy and is not able to handle your unhappiness at that moment as well. She is constantly annoyed.

She is making you unhappy but i have a feeling that, that is far from what she wants. She may feel she is stuck in a rut and does not have the energy or motivation to change it. Its quite possible that you are her only motivation at the moment.

From what you have posted about her i feel she may suffer from a mild form of depression and the strain of this on yer relationship is becoming quite obvious. If this is the case I have a lot of sympathy for her and you. You are the closest person to her at the moment and you are going to get the brunt of it this. In situations like this a councellor can do miracles!

Anyway I hope it works out for ye. You seem to really like this girl and care for her a lot. I bet she feels the same just can't express it properly at the mo.

Ghost Girl

Hi all, ticktacktoetwo has touched on some thing there, and I think may be right.

From what i can see you obviously don't know why shes unhappy and you care about her, but it seems like she doesn't really know why ye are unhappy either and is blaming every thing. You can look at a situation your living in, and be happy because you have each other, and your both in happy mental states, but you can look negatively at the very same things if your not in a happy state.

What im saying is, it is possible shes suffering from some form of depression and may not even realise it yet. You may not have noticed it before because when ye would meet up, that was her outlet, and her bit to look forward to. Now you are part of her every day life, and shes struggling with her every day life (if shes unhappy and depressed, then every thing will annoy her)

Part of depression is loosing friends, loosing interest in hobbies, and not being motivated.

Id say you need to sit down in a non confrontational way and maybe list together what is causing unhappiness between you. She with her list and you with yours, but do it in a as positive a manner as you can. IF ye agree on that, then look at what is really an issue for her, and same for you. Discuss it, chat about why you feel its an issue etc....If she knows she suffers from depression she may open up about it, but if she doesn't, then you have a longer journey ahead of you.

During this kind of communication, you may see her getting teary eyed, or frustrated and not making sense....

But some thing has to be done, because theres no way that living arrangement / relationship can continue as it is.

Best of luck.

FabulousGirl

2weeks wrote: »

Movershaker: thanks, glad to know I have good reason to be confused

RedXIV: Its a bit of both really. We are living in castleknock, I am working here in an it company as part of a college placement. As its only 5 months, I havent (and am regretting it now) really gotten to know the area, but its pretty much all residential. Was massively active in college clubs and societies, but finished up for the summer. So agree, need to fing another outlet myself whether its going for a run or whatever.

She is sick of doing nothing social in the evenings, but is also that she feels isolated. Out housemates are polish, and while nice havent a word of english.Said last night that "i should feel alone if I have a boyfriend". She needs to make friends, but she doesnt know how to start.

I may be making her out to be a bit of a looper, but up until recently she was pretty normal and all was good

You're in Castleknock, it's not the back of beyond. I live there. The City Centre is 20 mins on the train from the station beside Laurel Lodge or 40 mins on the 37/38 from Castleknock Village. There is plenty to do if you look for it; Blanchardstown SC, Cinema, Leisureplex, library, restaurants and pubs both in Blanch village and Castleknock village, gyms, Curves, Phoenix Park (go for runs, walks, horse-riding, visit the zoo...), GAA clubs both in Castleknock & Blanch, the NAC... If your g/f has an interest in a certain activity I'm sure you could find a place in the area that does it and she could meet like minded people and make many new friends.

It sounds to me like your girlfriend is stuck in a rut. Set aside an evening a week where you go to the cinema/out for dinner/a walk anything that gets you out of the house and spending some quality time together. My boyfriend works nights once a month and when he's not here I can feel very alone, especially at the weekends... So when that happens I take the dog for a walk, read a book, go horse riding, watch a DVD... and when my boyfriend finishes his shift we always go out and do something together asap, cinema, dinner etc etc...

As previous posters have suggested, maybe your g/f is depressed. Sit down with her and talk things through with her. You're both new to the area, it can be hard to adapt, maybe she's homesick. If it turns out it's just a simple case of boredom then there are plenty of things you can do to remedy that.

Sorry for the long post.