Abusive boyfriend

LegacyUser

A girl from dublin who's a close friend met a german guy.

They've been going out for four years now.

Thing is they seem to have a very bad relationship.

When he gets drunk, he gets abusive.

He calls her every name under the sun, and during their last fight it ended up getting physical and he tried to kick her. (she told me all this)

She tries to forgive and forget cos she loves him, but to me this sounds like an abusive relationship....

I want to tell her to finish it, but I dont want to pressureise her into ending it and risk isolating her from me in case something else more serious happens....

Has anyone any advice or help they can suggest???

MIN2511

Wow...

tbh there isn't anything you can do, she would have to report it herself... It's amazing how rife domestic violence is in this day an age with all the information we have.

All you can do is be supportive, i bet because she's told you once the next time it happens she might be reluctant to inform you. Try not to judge him while with her, just listen and offer sympathetic comments to her, i suppose most people in this scenario think being in a relationship this violent is better than being single

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Was in a similar, actually worse, situation myself for a few years.

I was with my now ex boyfriend for a year before the abuse started. It started off small, a punch in the arm for not waking him up on time for work, being shook when we'd get home from the pub for allegedly flirting with the barman, and it got bigger and more frequent as time went on.

All of my friends hated him because although he had never hit me in public, they'd see the bruises and his aggresive nature and they knew. No matter how many times they warned me against him or said if I stayed with him they'd no longer be my friend, I didn't listen.

Un fortunately, there is nothing you can do. Your friend will have wake up and smell the abuse on her own. My decision to walk away cmae after a particularly vicious attack where my face told the story. There was no hiding it anymore. Even people in work knew what was going on. My face was black and blue. It took that for me to walk away.

I'm sorry, i actually have to stop writing as I'm getting upset thinking of it. It was 2 years ago but ya never forget.

Aurora Borealis

Speak to her one to one and don't give her the impression this has been discussed at length with others. There is a lot of shame attached to domestic violence and she will not want people to know what has/is happening. Try and organise a bit of time away with her or even better with her when he is away so she has the space emotionally to tackle this in her head. Be patient, though you probably wish you could make wake up, it's not always that easy to walk away and she is the only one that can do it. Forcing the situation will only make things worse, alienating her from her friends and exacerbating things further.

MIN2511 I don't think it's fear of being single, more a question of confidence plummeting at the disbelief of someone who supposedly loves you hurting you so deeply.

biko

She needs to reliase that once he/they crossed the border into violence it's not going to stop, only escalate.
If she lets him be abusive he will. She has to leave imo, AND let him know why!

"But he's lovely when he's sober" just don't cut it.

Creamy Goodness

i fail to see what him being german is revelant to the post.

there's not a lot you can do tbh, it has to be your friends decision. mention to her that you are there for her and will do anything within your power if she wants.

Aurora Borealis

Cremo wrote: »

i fail to see what him being german is revelant to the post.
.

Nope nor can I. My German ex was the gentlest giant I ever met and would never have raised so much as an eyelash at me. Doubt it's meant to be significant. Probably just how the OP refers to her friends partner.

MJOR

Anyone that has the capability to do that once will do it again regardless of their nationality.

She needs to get out of the relationship and fast

AARRRGH

Unr5gis4y743 wrote: »

Has anyone any advice or help they can suggest???

There is nothing you can do.

He picked someone he can abuse, and she picked an abuser.

It's a two way street.

Don't get involved.

paperclip2

dublindude wrote: »

There is nothing you can do.

He picked someone he can abuse, and she picked an abuser.

It's a two way street.

Don't get involved.

I think there is something you can do. Be there for your friend. Keep the lines of communication open, make sure she knows she can talk to you. Don't pressure her to leave, don't be judgemental about her choice to stay with this guy. Accept that she has to come to that realisation on her own but don't make it a condition of your friendship. You might be her only lifeline some day.
Good luck to you and your mate OP

AARRRGH

paperclip2 wrote: »

I think there is something you can do. Be there for your friend. Keep the lines of communication open, make sure she knows she can talk to you. Don't pressure her to leave, don't be judgemental about her choice to stay with this guy. Accept that she has to come to that realisation on her own but don't make it a condition of your friendship. You might be her only lifeline some day.
Good luck to you and your mate OP

Sure, I'm assuming the OP is going to continue being a friend.

paperclip2

dublindude wrote: »

Sure, I'm assuming the OP is going to continue being a friend.

Ghost Girl

Although you would like to tell her to give him the boot, you cant. She has to decide for herself that she wants to leave him, because if you force it for her, she could end up choosing him over you.

Its difficult watching a friend being abused, but all you can do is support her and encourage her to leave and that you will help her, but ultimately she has to make the decision.

If you force it, and she agrees to leave because of you, she will very easily change her mind if he applys pressure.

The fact she's saying she loves him is a problem - she thinks she loves him and possibly doesnt see how bad it is, it won't be until shes away from him, possibly in years to come, in a different relationship, she'll be looking back realising what a fool she was to put up with it.