In love with my best friend

LegacyUser

I'm an 18 year old girl.
Ever since I met my best boy-friend a couple of years ago I've wanted more than just a friendship, but he hasn't. He's had 2 girlfriends since and both have lasted under a year. I feel that whenever he's single, we get really close, but as soon as he gets a new girlfriend I'm lowered in his priorities and he treats me differently. He and his girlfriend broke up just last month and ever since, he and I have been getting closer. I think I feel my feelings coming back but I don't know what to do because I told him how I felt about a year ago and didn't get the response I was looking for.
I'm so confused because I don't know what to do. I really can't bring myself to tell him again.
Help?

Nevyn

Don't let him use you to tide himself over and feel good about himself when he doesn't have anyone be considers better around. Don't be advailible get on with your life.

turf

Thaedydal wrote: »

Don't let him use you to tide himself over and feel good about himself when he doesn't have anyone be considers better around. Don't be advailible get on with your life.

they're best friends.? bad advice.

Bob the Builder

I'm in the same situation to an extent. I've just chosen to do the best thing, and take a step back.

In my humble opinion, i think that he sees you as a best friend rather than a true friend. A true friend never leaves your side, even if he has a girlfriend. A best friend, unfortunately, may not always be the same.

i never realised this, although i am only 16 myself, but only recently I spent a whole day thinking about it, and the more i think about it, the more i think it was a good decision to remove myself from my situation. i'm just telling you before it's too late.

please don't waste your time. the right decision may not be your favourite decision, but it'll save you a lot of grief in the long term.

beautiation

He mightn't mean to treat you differently when he's in a relationship. You know how it is, when someone new enters your life in such a big way the old routine always gets shaken up a bit, he probably meant no offence. Or he might think it would hurt you to see him parading his new girlfriend about in front of you and so stayed distant out of consideration. Did you ever tell him how hurt ya were by it? Even the best of friends can have totally different perceptions on how good things are between them at times, but if you're honest with him and you mean enough to each other I'm sure it won't happen again.

Sadly though, I don't think he's gonna get with you unless something major has changed in the last year. He's unlikely to just start feeling that way about you after so long. If you value your friendship so much I'd be careful about telling him again, in case he feels pressured by you asking again and says yes this time just to please you when his heart isn't really in it. The resulting relationship could ruin your friendship for good. Do stuff like emphasising you're single, flirting with him in a matey way, complimenting him on how hot he looks, anything that lets him know you're there for him if he wants it without asking him outright. Of course, continue to live your life and look elsewhere while you do this! Maybe going off the market for a while will make him realise what he's missing!

hussey

Advice Needed wrote: »

I'm an 18 year old girl.
Ever since I met my best boy-friend a couple of years ago I've wanted more than just a friendship, but he hasn't. He's had 2 girlfriends since and both have lasted under a year. I feel that whenever he's single, we get really close, but as soon as he gets a new girlfriend I'm lowered in his priorities and he treats me differently. He and his girlfriend broke up just last month and ever since, he and I have been getting closer. I think I feel my feelings coming back but I don't know what to do because I told him how I felt about a year ago and didn't get the response I was looking for.
I'm so confused because I don't know what to do. I really can't bring myself to tell him again.
Help?

Okay, firstly he isn't in love with you in that way, that is apart of life, you'll have to accept that.
But he is still your friend and you his.

It's standard that when someone has a new half (NH), they treat people different, they spend more time with the NH, and it often appears that they shun their friends. This has happened to my friends, and personally I am guilty of it too. It is not a reflection on you, but them wanting to feel that 'happy & new' feeling when you start a new relationship.

I would not tell him your feelings again, as it probably won't help. If you still want him as your friend, then treat him like that - a friend. Not the love of your life, as pinning after someone probably won't help at all.

Although young people hate to hear it - You are still young, and still a lot of growing up to do.

Ronaldo2

It looks like his feelings are not going to change. Are you happy to stay being his friend and watch him fall for other women. You would be better off putting some distance between the two of you until your feelings are platonic also, for your own sake.

dudara

Thaedydal wrote: »

Don't let him use you to tide himself over and feel good about himself when he doesn't have anyone be considers better around. Don't be advailible get on with your life.

I think Thaed is fairly right on the money here. He knows how you feel about him. When he is single, he likes to have you around and feel good about himself. He doesn't find you attractive enough to be in a relationship with you, but uses you to massage his ego.

I think that you do need to make yourself less available to him.

RossFixxxed

I couldn't agree more with the comments above from Thaed and dudara, he might not be doing it maliciously but there is definitely a safe fall back for him there. These situations seem to escalate in your head when unrequited so I would recommend getting some distance and getting out for yourself. Fish, sea etc. And it's true there's a lot of great guys out there (and some like me too ) and a lot of fun to be had!

Don't make this an epic for yourself!

Good luck!
Ross

Wibbs

Defo safety net time in his head.

Dragan

Advice Needed wrote: »

I'm an 18 year old girl.
Ever since I met my best boy-friend a couple of years ago I've wanted more than just a friendship, but he hasn't. He's had 2 girlfriends since and both have lasted under a year. I feel that whenever he's single, we get really close, but as soon as he gets a new girlfriend I'm lowered in his priorities and he treats me differently. He and his girlfriend broke up just last month and ever since, he and I have been getting closer. I think I feel my feelings coming back but I don't know what to do because I told him how I felt about a year ago and didn't get the response I was looking for.
I'm so confused because I don't know what to do. I really can't bring myself to tell him again.
Help?

When people enter into a relationship with someone it can get a lot of priority, as is only right when you are asking someone to dedicate a portion of their life to you.

It shouldn't be a suprise that you see less of people when they have an OH. This always happens and always will to one extent or the other.

Your felling it more because you like the guy. Here is the thing i don't understand, why not just tell him you like him? Sitting around waiting to be noticed rarely works.

tbh

Advice Needed wrote: »

I'm an 18 year old girl.
Ever since I met my best boy-friend a couple of years ago I've wanted more than just a friendship, but he hasn't. He's had 2 girlfriends since and both have lasted under a year. I feel that whenever he's single, we get really close, but as soon as he gets a new girlfriend I'm lowered in his priorities and he treats me differently. He and his girlfriend broke up just last month and ever since, he and I have been getting closer. I think I feel my feelings coming back but I don't know what to do because I told him how I felt about a year ago and didn't get the response I was looking for.
I'm so confused because I don't know what to do. I really can't bring myself to tell him again.
Help?

all i can say is, while I don't doubt the legitimacy of your feelings, he's not the only guy in the world, but he is the only guy you are considering

I'm 34 (yesterday actually) and I know - I KNOW - how old that sounds when you're 18, but when you're 34, there really isn't that much of a difference

The point I'm trying to make is that I remember being 18 really well. You're really starting to experience adult life for the first time, and most of the things (good and bad) that happen to you are happening for the first time. This makes them a bit more complicated, because you dont have anything to compare them too.

So, let me give you the benefit of something I've learned in my extra 16 years. Holy crap, 16 years. Anyway, when you have a crush on someone - or unrequited love, if you like - it's horrible. Ok, no major insights there. But it's the reason WHY it's so horrible that you figure out as time goes by. The reason it's so horrible is because you are pining for a relationship that never existed. You create the whole thing in your head. For example, when you're daydreaming about being with "her"/"Him", you put yourselves in situations that you've never been in, and you imagine how they'd react. and surprise surprise, they always do the right thing. Because it's your head So, when you actually get with someone, and they react differently, you have a little "wtf" moment, and reality gets a point back.

For example, you very very rarely see a situation where two people who've been going out for 5 years split up, and then one develops a crush on the other right?

So, try to recognise that part of the problem is that you are creating a perfect relationship in your head, and that's convincing you that this guy is right for you. And the problem with that is that it's stopping you from talking to other guys. And the problem with that is that if you don't talk to other guys, you won't eventually find out that there's a guy out that that's funnier, hotter and cleverer than the guy you like and that this guy really does like you.

Come back here in 16 years and tell me I wasn't right

stevelknievel

It's tough. I know because I've been in a similar situation. The crucial point here is you have alread told him how you feel. Yes it was a year ago, but still he knows. I really don't think telling him again straight out will work. As someone said already let him know in other ways: flirting, complimenting, holding eye contact etc. Also a good (kinda mean) idea is to play the jealousy card. In my case I was alright with friends most of the time. But when she was chatting up other guys, and flirting and all that, it really got to me. Even talking about some guy she was texting. It was then that I really missed not having more. Flirt with other guys. Give other guys all the attention. Get other guys wanting you. And who knows, you might even fall for someone else, and get over him.
Good luck anyway

Garret

Thaedydal wrote: »

Don't let him use you to tide himself over and feel good about himself when he doesn't have anyone be considers better around. Don't be advailible get on with your life.

i wouldnt say he's using her, its often just natural that you arent as close with your friends, opposite sex or not, when in a relationship

coco85

One of my best friends for years is a guy.. years ago when we were in college and upset over some guy dumping me he gave me a big spiel on how he'd never do that to me and that i was a wonderful girl etc.. this was when i was bawling my eyes out over the other fella and he had his arm around me on the couch of our apt...i choose to ignore what he was trying to do at the time and it was probably the right thing to so as it saved our friendship from turning into something nasty- although he is a lovely guy, i'd have hurt him and our friendship would be over...

I got on really well with him but had no interest in him in 'that' way....

Now we look back and laugh at it.. if i were to kiss him now it would be like kissing my brother!!!.. maybe your friend sees you as best friend/sis?

If i were you i'd step back, he alrealy knows how you feel and now that he's single if he wanted to act on it he would have..

Maybe he values you too much as a friend to risk it all???..

Take care.. there are loads of nice guys out there!:)

msg11

I was in your position there about 2 months ago. I told her how I felt about her, and all the usual. And nothing happent. I realised nothing will ever happen, and I am not going to hang around waiting for another break in her relationship planner, for me too tell her. Its a circle.

Just brake the circle, may-be harsh, but just stop talking to him. And find yourself someone who cares for you the same you do for them.

BTW, I still am looking for that person, but I can tell you I am alot more happier!!!

And too the point that someone else said, were both only young, and we should'nt feel so connected to people. :pac:

Amtmann

msg11 wrote: »

I was in your position there about 2 months ago. I told her how I felt about her, and all the usual. And nothing happent. I realised nothing will ever happen, and I am not going to hang around waiting for another break in her relationship planner, for me too tell her. Its a circle.

Just brake the circle, may-be harsh, but just stop talking to him. And find yourself someone who cares for you the same you do for them.

BTW, I still am looking for that person, but I can tell you I am alot more happier!!!

Sounds harsh, but it's true. I've been the master of unrequited love: 3 times, and counting. Thankfully however, as I've got older I've also gotten wiser, and I know that certain situations, if not watched closely, can indeed lead to very painful senses of unrequited love.

The big one for me happened when I was 21. I befriended a girl, a co-worker, whom I'd known on a not so amicable basis for a year previously (she took a major dislike to me at work; thought I was a smart alec!)

Anyway, we both opted to be sent abroad by our company for training. We had to share an apartment, and we became inseperable while there. At the time, she was in a relationship with her boyfriend -- living with him actually -- and as we got closer, she started to confide in me that he was abusing her. I guess her trust flattered me, and as the months wore on, and as their relationship deteriorated and finally ended, hers and mine blossomed. We'd spend days together in the park, cooking for each other, cycling, all that. I had fallen head over heels for her by this stage. She was my best friend, she was beautiful to me, and I loved her so much that it was killing me.

When I told her, she point blank refused. She'd no reciprocal feelings. I took it very badly, and called a much older friend for advice.

Her advice was simple: if you are in a situation that's making you miserable, you need to remove yourself from that situation. Just go. Do whatever it takes to remove yourself from the source of your misery.

That source is two-fold. First it is the object of your unrequited love. Second, it's your own attitude. In order to fix the latter, you've got to avoid the former.

In my case, I quit my job and left the area. A drastic solution perhaps, but I was relatively footloose at the time, and it worked. She text me, of course, but I didn't answer. Finally I did. The text was complimentary yet explanatory.

Now, 5 years later, my feelings for her have evaporated, and we're actually friends again, though, because she's in Limerick and I'm in Cork, we don't see each other that often.

I am now happily engaged to a beautiful girl who I love to bits.

You need to deal with this now. Pining over someone that's unavailable will diminish your dignity as a person, and it will make you unnattractive to other potential partners. You mightn't think your feelings are obvious but, believe me, to others, they probably are.

You sound like a great girl, highly intelligent, empathetic and thoughtful. Don't pine. Don't be miserable. Wrest control of the situation, and do the undoable: remove yourself from the source of your sorrow, sooner rather than later. In time, you might be able to become friends again. Either way, you're about to learn a hugely valuable life lesson here.

Good luck! You can do it.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone.
Lots of these replies have really helped me
Hopefully I'll get over him eventually

msg11

Advice Needed wrote: »

Thanks everyone.
Lots of these replies have really helped me
Hopefully I'll get over him eventually

You will, I know I have, and that was just two months ago. Time just changes everything. Kinda glad too, after a while I realised she just wasn't my type.

But, I wouldnt be too hard pushed talking to her. Sure why should I ? Just to make her head bigger than it is :pac: .

Tar.Aldarion

dudara wrote: »

I think Thaed is fairly right on the money here. He knows how you feel about him. When he is single, he likes to have you around and feel good about himself. He doesn't find you attractive enough to be in a relationship with you, but uses you to massage his ego.

I think that you do need to make yourself less available to him.

I really think that and thaeds opinion are not correct. It is perfectly natural for friends not to spend as much time together when one has a partner, when they are both single they may be around each other all day every day. I think that the using her part is nonsense. If he felt a little happier because somebody likes him that is secondary to them being friends. I used to live with a friend that I, lets say, liked, same situation really, she had a bf and then would not spend as much time with me, when she didn't she spent more time with me, it's not that she was using me because I wanted her, I was her friend and she had lost her bf. This happens all the time.

OP, I would step back, he sees you as a friend, don't tell him again, I'm sure he knows. If you keep going on about it you may lose your friend and that hurts more in the longrun...

Bottle_of_Smoke

Tara Le d'Arion wrote: »

I really think that and thaeds opinion are not correct. It is perfectly natural for friends not to spend as much time together when one has a partner, when they are both single they may be around each other all day every day. I think that the using her part is nonsense. If he felt a little happier because somebody likes him that is secondary to them being friends. I used to live with a friend that I, lets say, liked, same situation really, she had a bf and then would not spend as much time with me, when she didn't she spent more time with me, it's not that she was using me because I wanted her, I was her friend and she had lost her bf. This happens all the time.

OP, I would step back, he sees you as a friend, don't tell him again, I'm sure he knows. If you keep going on about it you may lose your friend and that hurts more in the longrun...

Was just about to say effectively the same thing. All the girls I'm mates with spend much less time with me when they have boyfriends. It's completely normal, you (OP)shouldn't be depending on him as your only friend. And lets face it, you're hanging out with him with an ulterior motive.

G86

dudara wrote: »

I think Thaed is fairly right on the money here. He knows how you feel about him. When he is single, he likes to have you around and feel good about himself. He doesn't find you attractive enough to be in a relationship with you, but uses you to massage his ego.

I think that you do need to make yourself less available to him.

+1

You can't stay friends - not while you still have feelings for him. I hooked up with a friend last year and it ruined our friendship, we didn't talk for months, but we sorted things out there recently. Just give it time and maybe get back in touch when you know your over it.