feeling of being trapped

LegacyUser

hey would really like some advice on this matter


i was in a relationship for 2 years, as usual it started off great but very soion into it i started to feel incredibly trepped. my ex was mantally abusive, he didnt want me to go out with my friends without him, he turned me against alot of my friends.

i was starting college when we first met and as you know socialising is a big part of it, if i went out without him he'd call me all night, checking up on me, then he'd be annoyed with me the following day.
i had only slept with one person before i met him, but this use to drive him crazy, he's call me a slut and a tramp, and look at me in total disgust, even though he was living with his ex beofre he met me, i couldnt understand his mentality.

he also turned me against my parents and siblings, i gave my parents hell, they didnt take to him from the start. he was always looking for attention and so on. he wanted us to move in together but i said no (thank God)


we come from different towns so he didnt know anyone i knew, if we were out in my town and bumped into a few lads i knew, he'd straight away think i had slept with them or else they wanted to sleep with me.


im afraid that il carry this onto another relationship, become defensive and have barriers up. im not saying that because he treated me badly that all men will. i feel im ready for a relationship as its a yr and a half since we broke up and im back to myself at last, but do you think that because of what i went through that il carry that with me? or how do i prevent myself from carrying that with me


thanks

Aurora Borealis

Everyones past shapes them in how they handle things but you can take positive from it and move forward and try not let your past govern your present. It's in the past for a reason and the things you learnt about yourself mean you'll be better equiped to only stay in situations that are good for you.

DancingDaisy

I can understand the worry of bringing past baggage into a new relationship, I had a relationship somewhat like yours when I first began college. It ended durin gmy first year of college and it took a while before I was ready for another relationship, I feel now that the experience of that relationship showed me what I really needed in a significant other and I'm in a happy relationship now.

I think that taking the experience and looking at it as a learning curve and realising that you need something different is key, and if you can see that a new relationship is different than the one before then the old relationship shouldn't need to have any influence.

It may be wise, however, to talk to someone you are in a relationship with and explain to them any issues you may have, that way you won't allow yourself to be alienated or controlled etc.

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi OP,

Jealous/controlling men can leave bad emotional scars and make you "hypervigilant" or to put it bluntly; paranoid, this is is inevitable in some ways, but also with time it will lessen.

When you do go into a new relationship you might find that at all times you are expecting the worst and calmly wait for the $hitstorm that weirdly never comes, this can be very headmelting and hard to accept.
Its really confusing.

Dont fall into the trap of projecting the bad qualities of the ex onto any new man as this will be very detrimental, the only thing you can do to prevent this is use your head over heart. At times it will feel very, very strange and threatening to actually trust someone, even if they have earned it, but trust you must sooner or later.

As it was only 2 years (I am not lessening the extent of your suffering!!) as opposed to 10 or 20 I think you will bounce back and be able to overwrite this bad experience!

Good luck OP

Aurora Borealis

Nice advice Wilma. Think those kind of relationships can take longer to get past as they kinda chip away at your confidence. You're on the right road OP. Stick with it.

AngryBadger

How much of this you want to carry with you to other relationships is up to you OP.

I think you'd benefit from asking why you went along with all this? I mean many people would give someone the old heave-ho at the first sign of any kind of controlling treatment or mental abuse. So you need to figure out why you were so willing to put up with this? Otherwise there is a possibililty that whatever drew you to this guy in the first instance will lead you to a similar type of guy in the future.

LegacyUser

thanks for all the advice so far
angry badger, what you said makes alot of sense! the thing is i obvioulsy didnt think much of myself at the time. the controlling just creeped in, i didnt see it for a long time and denied it was happening even though my parents saw it from the word go.
my dad use to be quite controlling and to cut a very long story short hes completely changed, i think i may have saw somwone in my ex that reminded me of my dad. its true that you usually end up with someonelike you father/mother.
i' m so glad on one hand that i went through this as i know i will not make the same mistake again