Girlz n doorwayz

shut up!

Hey guys - first post, woohoo - just something I wrote tonight, bored at home. I haven't written much lately and just found myself picking up the laptop and going in a slightly different style.
It's brief, but maybe you can offer some critique on the style, deliverance, etc. Or just read it, and like it/hate it, move on.
I gotta admit though, I like what's there of it; that is why, I guess, I'm posting it.

The stillness of every pretty little cloud that leapt from her pretty little mouth, that’s what struck me first. She had a way of stopping the world with every exhalation. And she took my breath away quicker than the most determined and fastidious bout of emphysema ever could.
I took a clumsy drag of my own lanky, flame-tipped cigarette. I wasn’t a smoker; never had been thrilled by the prospect of gulping down litres of smoky air for seven quid a pop. But I’d made a rather dramatic exception in this case, just so I could keep little Lucy Thompson company by the doorway.
One word wouldn’t justifiably describe how stunning I found this girl to be, so I’ll use two: she was f*cking stunning – still is, for all I know.
There I stood next to this shoulder-length brown-haired, impossibly deep-green-eyed, proportionately perfect young girl, whilst chugging down large gasps of airborne tar, and for the mere thrill of association.
I hung on every word she breathed, as she leapt off every one of mine, sticking vaguely to the accepted guidelines of conversation, if what you consider a conversation to be involves two people speaking. But I didn’t care: back then, to me, such things as nicotine addictions and extreme self-absorption weren’t wholly unattractive, when combined with an ass that could make grown men whimper.
Lucy had no interest in me, and my own interest in her was limited by the “not-in-your-f*cking-lifetime-pal” –ness of the situation. I knew my place: that of an admirer; the footloose man at her feet, like in that Stones song. Only I wasn’t footloose. I was in a doorway of a bar on a rainy Friday night, breathing in the fumes of dried, processed, chopped up and then burnt tobacco leaves.

Standman

I think it's good, definitely been there before myself!

CommieBaz

shut up! wrote: »

And she took my breath away quicker than the most determined and fastidious bout of emphysema ever could.

^
My favourite part, though it was good overall!

Matt Holck

there is a freedom to enjoy ones selfs
when another enjoys themselves