Relationship issues

Leftback

Hi - Hope this isn't too long. I'm a 33 year old guy and have had a girlfriend for 4 four years. We had worked with each other for about three years before that and kinda entered the relationship as friends. She is a lovely girl and we get on quite well. Basically, there are two problems in our relationship. Number one is the fact that in nearly two years we have not had sex. She says its because she's afraid of getting pregnant and doesn't want to take the risk. I do love her and could take that but the physical side of our relationship (ie touching, feeling etc) has beome non existant aswell which I'm now at my wits end about. I have tried to make advances but she just doesn't want to engage in contact.
Then last week she had relatives coming from the states and were coming to visit her house. She mentioned to me that it would be great if I could come down and cut the grass. No problem, drove two hours down, spent an hour and a half in the pissing rain trying to get this done, was up at 6.20 the following morning and drove up to work. I rang her the follwing day to say hi, rang again that night and left a message and heard nothing until the following night at 8.30pm when I had to ring her myself to find out what was going on. Maybe its me but I don't feel that this behaviour is fair. This is not the first time I have felt left in the background and feel she puts a lot of other things first before myself. I am coming to the conclusion that I am wasting my time with this relationship or am I the problem?. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Acoshla

Hiya,

After reading that I feel so sorry for you (hope that doesnt offend you), but from what you've said you seem to be a very understanding guy, fair play to you for accepting her reason for no sex.

But before I say anymore I have to ask...why contraception not an acceptable way of avoiding pregnancy, condoms? the pill? sex is a very important part of a relationship, especially when you were only together 2 years when that started

Toots

Well firstly I don't think it's just you. Have you tried talking to her about how you feel? It seems there may be another reason behind her not wanting to have sex, I mean there are contraceptives. If ye are both careful, then you can avoid her getting pregnant. The fact that she's no longer up for anything physical is what would worry me. OK, I know sex isn't everything, but it's a big part of a healthy relationship.

It sounds to me like you both need to sit down and have a good long chat about where your relationship is going.

Leftback

Thanks for your reply's so far. Yeah I've sat her down and tried to go through things but I just feel I'm banging my head off a brick wall. I do love her but just feel at my wits end at this stage.

dr.bollocko

Dude you know it is totally ok to end a relationship if it is not meeting your needs?
Sometimes people can get so embroiled in the here and now that it can become impossible to even consider walking away from a relationship that isnt suiting you.
I dont think that this relationship is really what you want.
Otherwise why would you be posting here?
Sex is a huge part of any relationship, and no amount of understanding your girlfriend is gonna get around that.
If you want someone that you can share making love with and dont see yourself ever having that kind of a relationship with this girl, its best to move on.

AngryBadger

2 years without sex because she's afraid of getting pregnant? How did this not come up in the two years when ye were having sex?

Good chat with her, and if the answers aren't right then get rid of her.

Honestly OP, that sounds like you're being strung along to me.

carlson

This isn'ta proper relationship- I think you should walk away

EcoGirl

To be blunt, sounds like you're being used. Not even so much about the sex thing, although that sounds a bit strange (if she said it was against her morals or something, then maybe, but her excuse sounds like an excuse tbh) - but the grass cutting thing is mad. And if that's typical then I'd be asking msyelf some very strong questions.
I could be wrong of course.

Miss Fluff

Two years without any sex and now the tactile, affectionate part has disappeared too? You have tried to discuss it and she won't cooperate? You are nothing more than friends at this stage, and even if you were only friends I don't think she is playing ball with you at all.

Time to move on mate, she's not meeting you halfway and just thank your lucky stars you're not married with a couple of kids, much easier to disengage that way. Break free and meet someone who deserves you and with whom you can have a normal physical relationship.

Wagon

It sounds like your friends. I would break up with her. Not because of the no sex (although that is a very important factor) but because your being put second. Not how it should be. If you've tried talking to her and it's getting you nowhere then the writings on the wall

LegacyUser

dr.bollocko wrote: »

Dude you know it is totally ok to end a relationship if it is not meeting your needs?
Sometimes people can get so embroiled in the here and now that it can become impossible to even consider walking away from a relationship that isnt suiting you.
I dont think that this relationship is really what you want.
Otherwise why would you be posting here?
Sex is a huge part of any relationship, and no amount of understanding your girlfriend is gonna get around that.
If you want someone that you can share making love with and dont see yourself ever having that kind of a relationship with this girl, its best to move on.

Couldn`t agree more. My situation is similar to yours but I`m 47 now....no sex or physical contact for about 8 years!....really! But we are together for over twenty five years and are so stuck in a rut that it`s near impossible to break up..just as I decide that enough is enough something else turns up....some family member takes ill or whatever and so it goes on...and on ,so much water under the bridge etc. But I have to make the break soon now before my loins explode!
Not a desirable situation to end up in at my age. So my advice would be to get out sooner rather than later.

IanCurtis

She wants a 'do-as-I-say' boyfriend.

Who that boyfriend is is irrelevant. To not have sex for this long means you are not an "item", just friends.

Typically Irish behaviour, up to you whether you tolerate it. I wouldn't.

Marksie

Leftback wrote: »

Thanks for your reply's so far. Yeah I've sat her down and tried to go through things but I just feel I'm banging my head off a brick wall. I do love her but just feel at my wits end at this stage.

Having done that and got no efective movements back onto an intimate setting, actions speak louder than words.

if even the physical intimacy of touching and being present is gone, and its important. You ahve tried to explain and got nowhere.
Then you have talked the talk. Walk the walk

While i am a huge believer that intimacy acnd be expanded and enhanced, both parties have to be willing.
In this instance, OP you have facilitaed this for way too long. Two years is an excessive amount of time to avoid any form of sexual intimacy. The most spurious of reasons too....there are so many ways of making love without any chance of getting pregnant.
Unless she believes in parthenogenesis

In wlkaing, it may be the wake up call she needs...dont continue to accept the situation as its getting worse

How Strange

OP, you have a friendship not a relationship.

As others have said, if she won't listen or engage in any discussion about how to address the lack of intimacy in your relationship then you're wasting your time.

I'd say cut your losses while you still can.

Marksie

rut wrote: »

are so stuck in a rut that it`s near impossible to break up..

If you want to start another thread on this?
Your in a rut because in the end you choose to be. If it really did bother you that much you would be gone, no nexcuses.
But again... what ahve you done to turn the situation around? Tacit acceptance leads to its own difficulties.

MJOR

It's very sad when at 33 there is no physical side to your relationship.

You deserve love and affection and if I am hinest there is a world of contraceptives out there to prevent pregnacy.

She is behaving appallingly and is treating you like a doormat!

Don't be fooled into thinking she is going to change.

I'd say give her the benefit of a chance to chat but afterwards if you're not getting what you need and deserve say Goodbye

How Strange

Leftback wrote: »

We kinda entered the relationship as friends. She is a lovely girl and we get on quite well.

OP, these lines speak volumes.

You subconsciously know where you stand.

That's friendship - a 'might not see you for a few months but when we do we always have a nice time' kind of friendship.

madser

It sounds like she just wants you as a friend and I think she's being unfair to you by not being honest, if she doesn't want to get pregnant that why doesn't she go on the pill or you could use condoms.

I think you should blank her for a while and stop running when she snaps her fingers, she'll soon come round:D

WilmaRidesAgain

Leftback wrote: »

Hi - Hope this isn't too long. I'm a 33 year old guy and have had a girlfriend for 4 four years. We had worked with each other for about three years before that and kinda entered the relationship as friends. She is a lovely girl and we get on quite well. Basically, there are two problems in our relationship. Number one is the fact that in nearly two years we have not had sex. She says its because she's afraid of getting pregnant and doesn't want to take the risk. I do love her and could take that but the physical side of our relationship (ie touching, feeling etc) has beome non existant aswell which I'm now at my wits end about. I have tried to make advances but she just doesn't want to engage in contact.
Then last week she had relatives coming from the states and were coming to visit her house. She mentioned to me that it would be great if I could come down and cut the grass. No problem, drove two hours down, spent an hour and a half in the pissing rain trying to get this done, was up at 6.20 the following morning and drove up to work. I rang her the follwing day to say hi, rang again that night and left a message and heard nothing until the following night at 8.30pm when I had to ring her myself to find out what was going on. Maybe its me but I don't feel that this behaviour is fair. This is not the first time I have felt left in the background and feel she puts a lot of other things first before myself. I am coming to the conclusion that I am wasting my time with this relationship or am I the problem?. Any advice would be much appreciated.

Mate!


1. You are not getting laid
2. You are not getting laid
3. You are not getting laid

Get rid of this cheeky mare seriously, yesterday !!!