Best or Worst Decision of my life.....

LegacyUser

Hi everyone

Im a long time Boarder, and most of ye might know me so I decided to go anon for this one. I've either just made the best or worst decision of my life...

Background
Ive been in a relationship for the past year with a lovely guy. He is not from my area, but leaves close by now. He did not move to be with me, he moved here from his hometown for work, and then about a year later we got together.

He finds it hard to make friends...Hence when I spend time with my friends, he gets moody and resentful, although he wouldnt admit it to me, but I think he knows it himself. Ive tried everything to get him out and about, sports, yoga, etc. Ive introduced him to everyone I know so that he may start to maybe establish his own friendships etc.He keeps telling me I am the only person he has down here and its putting me under some pressure but I also have no doubt in my mind that I love him! We had a rocky start to the relationship but managed to get through it. He did some stuff that showed me how sly and untrustworthy he could be.

I hope and want him to be the one I spend the rest of my life with but I need him to find his independence first... He's had a lot to deal with over the past few years and had a pretty rocky childhood. He has definite insecurity issues and I think at times doesnt trust me. After I lot of consideration I've broken if off with him....

I have spoken to him several times since and he is now adamant he is going to sort out his life by himself , i.e. life, work, heart etc etc.

By breaking it off with him I thought I might force him to stand on his own two feet...which seems to be what is happening. I've told him several times that I love him and am here for him, but he is still obviously hurting a lot. I know this might sound like a radical route to take, but Im looking at the bigger picture... I would love to spend the rest of my life with this man, but not when he is putting all his eggs in my basket as such!

So as far as I can see two things might happen.... 1. He might sort himself out and stand on his own two feet which would be great and then we might over time sort things out... Im all for that and he knows it.... 2. He might head straight into another relationship and end up going down the same road all over again....

Now if we end up back together I'll know it was the right decision, I think he would be much happier in himself if he wasnt depending on someone and had his own friends etc and hence that wouldnt put me under so much pressure to try and fix things for him.

If he does jump into another relationship, well I've come to the conclusion that maybe he didnt actually have those feelings for me in the first place and maybe he was actually only sticking with me because he knew he could depend on me and really had no one else.

Either way I need to know... I love him and want to spend my life with him, but if he doesnt feel the same way, I need to know.

Beruthiel

DecisionMaker wrote: »

Either way I need to know... I love him and want to spend my life with him, but if he doesnt feel the same way, I need to know.

Only he can answer that question.

tbh

DecisionMaker wrote: »

Now if we end up back together I'll know it was the right decision,

If he does jump into another relationship, well I've come to the conclusion that maybe he didnt actually have those feelings for me in the first place

.

so, essentially, it's win-win. Therefore, the only question you are really asking was, Should I have settled for something less than I was happy with, or should I have forced the issue. And, for me, it sounds like there is only one answer to that.

MJOR

It's a tough one to be honest because if he's an introvert then it really is unlikely that he will change. He seems happy with his life other than when you spend time apart??

Do you want to be with him ? You'll never change a man.

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi OP,

From what you wrote sounds like you have done a very wise thing.

His dependancy was either pathological or circumstantial, time will reveal which, meanwhile he is aware any future together you two have is based on what colours he shows!

I hope he shows good ones OP !

LegacyUser

Hi guys

Thank you for replying.

Beruthiel - thank you, that is true its his decision... but I think I need to let things run its course.. If I asked him back now, things would probably return to the way they were....

tbh - Its not really a win win.... I would be gutted if he just moves on.

MJOR - I do want to be with him... He is the one saying he wants to make friends etc but then doesnt nothing about it.. he gets himself into such bad form and I end up taking the brunt of it.

Nevyn

Loving a person isn't enough, it can't fix all and heal all ills.
Even if two people do love each other that is still not a panacea to all the realtionship's and life's ills. You deceided what you were not going to put up with and good for you for being able to do that many people can't. the thing is can you stick to you guns ?

LegacyUser

Thaedydal - Thank you... I hope so.. it might all work out... I can only see two outcomes really as stated above.. and whichever happens... happens.. at that stage I will deal with it...

Nevyn

DecisionMaker wrote: »

MJOR - I do want to be with him... He is the one saying he wants to make friends etc but then doesnt nothing about it.. he gets himself into such bad form and I end up taking the brunt of it.

So what you are saying is he gets in a bad mood and takes it out on you ?
ie he is emotionally manipulative and abusive ?

the glass woman

That remarkably brave of you OP. Well done for taking that action with the bigger picture in mind. You've probably done him the world of good, and if your relationship is meant to be then it will survive this break. So as another poster said, it really is a win win situation although it may be hard to see that now. I mean all that dependency on you is only going to lead to resentment on both your parts in the future. I wish you the best of luck, and i hope it has a happy ending for you both. X

MJOR

Well OP the answer is walk away. the dependancy I would see as a form of mental torture because it's always on your mind.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

So what you are saying is he gets in a bad mood and takes it out on you ?
ie he is emotionally manipulative and abusive ?

Not necessarily takes it out on me as such ... he is the kind of person who wears his heart on his sleeve.. so when he's in bad form there's no hiding it.. and because Im the only one down here for him, he only has me to vent this anger.

He is definitely capable of playing on my emotions, which I have highlighted.. but he is never ever abusive... I actually think it all stems from a deep rooted sense of insecurity. His first response to any situation is to attack first and think later...

Nevyn

He only vents his anger at you and he attacks first things later and has deep rooted sense of insecurity, tbh girl you are well rid of that one.

Beruthiel

DecisionMaker wrote: »

Not necessarily takes it out on me as such ... he is the kind of person who wears his heart on his sleeve.. so when he's in bad form there's no hiding it.. and because Im the only one down here for him, he only has me to vent this anger.

He is definitely capable of playing on my emotions

It's one thing talking to your partner if you're upset about something. It's quite another to play with your emotions because of it.

Aurora Borealis

He needs to sort himself out for himself and you need to not be waiting around for someone to do that. If it's meant to be it will but you wondering what the outcome may or may not be leaves you in limbo which is not good. Look after yourself and hopefully he will too.

How Strange

DecisionMaker wrote: »

. I hope and want him to be the one I spend the rest of my life with but I need him to find his independence first...

I love him and want to spend my life with him, but if he doesnt feel the same way, I need to know.

OP, these two quotes speak for themselves really. Are you settling for this guy hence why you would put up with so much crap from him?

TBH, your relationship sounded quite miserable. It shouldn't be that hard to be with someone and love them.

He sound emotionally immature and manipulative. Is this the type of person you want to spend your life with. You already said you found out early on how sly he can be. These aren't good traits in a life partner/husband.
You've taken a brave step by breaking up but as others have said you can't fix him.

IMO, everyone has had stuff happen to them in their childhood, some of it disturbing, that has shaped the type of adult they've become but I have little tolerance for using your childhood as a reason for bad behaviour as an adult.

I don't really think your ex will change that drastically. If I were you I'd concentrate on YOU and look for someone who doesn't need to be fixed and can be independent and self reliant and will treat you with respect. That's what you deserve.