How to find that mutual sexual attraction

LegacyUser

Hi all, I've dated girls on and off for the last twenty years. For years I had not much success, then as the years went on, I gained much more confidence. At 39, I find myself still single, and becoming very settled as a single guy, with my own routine, my own place, and doing what I want to.

But I still wish I could find my life partner. The problem is this - of all the girls that liked me enough to date me, there were none that I found that 'zing' factor with. Every day, I see girls that make me go 'wow,' yet they are generally always popular and in company, and usually with boyfriends in tow. The girls I really would have liked to get together with, generally didn't find me attractive or engaging.

Only once, in all the many, many dates did I meet a girl and get into a relationship that lasted for three months, and the girl was gorgeous. Unfortunately, I also discovered she had serious temperamental problems, and her nature was to constantly fly off the handle. As a very relaxed, calm and non-argumentative person, I couldn't take this fiery personality, and we split.

I have to wear my 'man' hat for a moment. I am a very friendly, presentable guy, who is always laughing and joking and in good form. I am not a great looking guy I am sure, though I'm not that bad. But to be more than 'just good friends' with a girl, I need to have that sexual attraction with her, and unfortunately, the girls I like, just don't seem to like me! I am very patient, but I'm 39, time is moving on!

The last date was with a very nice, pleasant girl, and we chatted for hours about everything, and got on really well. She seemed to like me. Yet while she was nice company, I could no more imagine even putting an arm round her, never mind anything more. The 'zing' just wasn't there! I'd love to go home at night to a girl who makes my blood run hot, but those girls seem to see ME as 'just good friends!' SO it's never the twain shall meet...

IanCurtis

Irish Girls are after a stable do-as-I-say bloke for the most part. To be single for a girl is like having a spare nipple for a fella, not the best look.

My advice? Fcuk them, travel, eat, drink, do everything you want to do in your life and forget about meeting a "life partner".

Married couples are a miserable boring lot and apart from the sex, which they lose quickly anyway, there's little else appeal.

If you want a fat arse bird in pyjamas walking around your pad on a Saturday morning, stick with your search.

Otherwise live your life to the full!

MagicMarker

IanCurtis wrote: »

Irish Girls are after a stable do-as-I-say bloke for the most part. To be single for a girl is like having a spare nipple for a fella, not the best look.

My advice? Fcuk them, travel, eat, drink, do everything you want to do in your life and forget about meeting a "life partner".

Married couples are a miserable boring lot and apart from the sex, which they lose quickly anyway, there's little else appeal.

If you want a fat arse bird in pyjamas walking around your pad on a Saturday morning, stick with your search.

Otherwise live your life to the full!

I'm not sure who you're trying to convince with your post? Sounds quite bitter.

But i must agree with certain points.

OP: You'll never find what you want if you actively look for it. Stop looking, enjoy your life and one day ''the one'' will be there, may not be soon, could be years! But it will happen.

In the mean time, as IanCurtis says, **** em!

Marksie

1: 39 is not pushing it.

2: the immediate zing as you put it does not necessarily prelude to a good relationship..it can of course, but not necessarily so. That is sexual energy and attraction, when you first meet you dont really know each other and when the zing dies, if you have not established a rapport then that will die to.
and how many times have we heard people say I want it the way it was. You have the example yourself.. your three months with somene who, after the zing went past you saw what was not agreeable.

3: As you get to know someeone, zing or not, if you are open to it accept and let things develop...it grows slowly and at some point you realsie its there and deeper than an initial burst....

It depends on what you are looking for and i think you are looking for some idealised partner tbh.
While obvious lack of attraction means you should pursue the realtionship, it seems you are waiting to be hit like a bolt from the blue, but in the meantime while you are waiting for that to never happen, you may be missing the obvious.

How Strange

Marksie wrote: »

As you get to know someeone, zing or not, if you are open to it accept and let things develop...it grows slowly and at some point you realsie its there and deeper than an initial burst....

It depends on what you are looking for and i think you are looking for some idealised partner tbh.
While obvious lack of attraction means you should pursue the realtionship, it seems you are waiting to be hit like a bolt from the blue, but in the meantime while you are waiting for that to never happen, you may be missing the obvious.

OP, I agree with Marksie, it does seem like you're looking for an idealised notion of a girlfriend rather than a life partner.

I totally agree that you have a relationship a chance to develop. I don't believe that the 'zing' is necessarily the best way to start a relationship although it is the most exciting. However, the 'zing' can soon fade as you found out with your tempermental ex.

If you really want a life partner (warts and all - although not literally!) then you have to give the relationship time to develop, let yourself get to know the woman and let it grow organically.

I personally think our ideas of relationships are so clouded by media and cinema etc that if there aren't fireworks going off on the first date we just think there's no spark there so why bother.

RedXIV

Just echoing How Strange, quote i'd like to throw in, which i found very insightful about life partners

"Kisses lose their flavour over the years, but the cooking can only get better"

now, i admit, i read it in a book of humour, but there is a bit of a lesson there. Staying with someone just because of the level of physical attraction is a surefire way to end up alone and miserable. This new way of thinking changed my "ideal" partner alot and in general, i've found myself (well i think anyway) with much better partners.

Also, i'll second the guys above, don't search for a partner, let them find you, they seem to come out of the woodwork when your not looking for them

petethebrick

IanCurtis wrote: »

If you want a fat arse bird in pyjamas walking around your pad on a Saturday morning, stick with your search.

lol

Wibbs

petethebrick you appear new here. Read the charter. Non helpful "lols" are not welcome here.

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi OP,

I dunno, sounds like you might tryin to score with women who might be a bit "out of your league" I know there shouldn't be a league but realistically there is.

We all have an internal barometer which tells us how attractive, clever, entertaining etc we are, and if it works right we should aim for people who are around the same as ourselves in terms of looks and other qualities....

Could it be your expectations might be a bit high?

Nevyn

Sexual attraction is easy, life and personality compatiblity is the hard part esp if you are long for a long term relationship.

otnomart

my advice to the OP is to wait for the zing.
Partners are partners, (not brother and sister, nor friends of the opposite sex).
39 is not too old nor too late.
I also look for the zing and have a female friend who thinks the same way.
Having said that, give time for the zing to manifest itself (it's not always at first sight).