housemates bf

LegacyUser

jsut wondering if anyone in in this position im living with my friend tha last few months abd we get on really well the problem is that her bf is always over in the house, he even has a key to the house nd he doesnt pay rent. theres 4 of us living in the huse al together and none of us are happy with the suituation.
i donno how to go about saying it to her, shes my friend after all, but he takes over, watched whatever he wants on tv, takes showers etc, its really getting to me and its so awkward because shes my friend

Meathlass

You really need to get together with the rest of your housemates and talk to her. Him having a key is a complete no-no, the landlord would not be happy with that. My blood would boil if I came in from work and someone who didn't live there was controlling the remote. You need to decide between ye how often he can come over and lay down some groundrules, it's totally unacceptable that they take over the house. Does she ever go and stay at his?

WilmaRidesAgain

Very blerdy tricky this one!

She is being brazen though, she knows well she is taking the pi$$ but she is chancing her arm as no-one has said anything to her yet....

Also, it cuts both ways, you dont want to hurt her cos "shes your friend", but if thats true and she is any type of a friend, she should not be putting you in the awkward position of having to say something....!

Right, I would start gently, maybe you yourself say something to her like:
"listen Talulah, we need to talk, I just wanted to let you know that we are all a bit miffed about BF being here so much and making free with the facilities..." and add so that she feels you are doing her a big favour by giving her the "heads up" "Yeh Talulah, I just wanted to let you know before there has to be a big house meeting and all that....didnt want you to be embarassed.."

See how you get on with that, if nothing changes you need to start playing hardball with her then.

pookie82

Have been on both sides of the fence - lived with people who had their other halves over all the time and then had my boyfriend over a lot last year. But I would never go so far as to give him a key or let him be there without me and he never dreamed of taking over the telly. In fact we mostly kept to ourselves if he was there and tried to split our time between both his place and mine.
Those of you who are unhappoy with the situation need to get together and speak up. I've been in a situation before where a room mate was taking the p*ss (bringing her boyfriend and his MATES into our room at all hours of the night and sometimes having sex in teh bed next to mine) and the whole house was unhappy about it but when it came to confrontation time I was the only one who spoke up and the rest of them just shrugged and I looked like the b*tch. So make sure that you all express that you have a prob with it and don't let one person take the flak for being awkward. There's no need to gang up - it can be done nicely, just call a house meeting with no outsiders and explain to her how you feel. You can say it's nothing to do with him personally (whether it is or not) but that the house is only big enough for the amount in it already. if he's substantially contributing to bills she should be made aware that he's liable to cough up too unless he stays away more often. It might get messy but as long as you keep it calm she should see your point.

LegacyUser

yeah i know its a tough one, very annoying and so on.
i asked her before i moved in was he around much she told me just the week ends.
sometimes when i arrive hoe shes still at work and he'l be sittin on his ass watchin tv, hes a know it all and never shuts up.
think il just move out soon donno if im bothered at this stage to say anything

Quazzie

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

Talulah, .

*ROFL*-

BC

I've been here many times!!
I've found that the easiest thing to do is for everyone to sit down together and agree some ground rules. If you don't, people just end up getting angry and it'll all blow up in a fight some day.

The ground rules should apply whether its boyfriend, friiend, brother, sister whatever, make it clear that you aren't picking on your friends boyfriend and its nothing to do with him personally.

In my opinion theres absolutely no way he should have a key for a start.
In my last place we agreed that 2/3 nights a week was the most that anyone should have a guest staying. Obviously now and again people would have someone over on holidays that might stay a few days or whatever and thats fine, we'd just let people know well in advance. We also agreed that if a friend/boyfriend used the phone then it was that housemates responsibility to cover the cost, things like that.

dudara

Quazzie2002 I recall warning you a few days to stick to the topic at hand and not make pointless posts. Please read the charter for this forum.

dudara

Quazzie

dudara wrote: »

Quazzie2002 I recall warning you a few days to stick to the topic at hand and not make pointless posts. Please read the charter for this forum.

dudara

Aologies!
I just found it funny.
It won't happen again.

LegacyUser

i suppose its mde more difficult by the fact that shes my friends, the rest of us have only moved in recently and she has been living in this house 2 yrs, she never ever goes to his house.
i like my own space and id always be very aware of other people, but i think she thinks because im her friend that i dont mind.
im starting to get really short with him and loose my patients as he has an answer for everything

Meathlass

sosimple wrote: »

yeah i know its a tough one, very annoying and so on.
i asked her before i moved in was he around much she told me just the week ends.
sometimes when i arrive hoe shes still at work and he'l be sittin on his ass watchin tv, hes a know it all and never shuts up.
think il just move out soon donno if im bothered at this stage to say anything

Why does he come round to your place to watch tv, using your electricity - you should definately say something, don't move out. Basically you've given the two of them leeway to act like this and as no one has complained they're not bothered either. I moved in somewhere a few months ago - for the first 3 weeks the girlfriends were there all the time (they were students who lived at home). I'd come home from work and the 2 couples would be having dinner and then watching tv all night. They gave them keys as well and the doors were constantly left unlocked. Anyway they're all kicked out now but only because I said something (there were other issues too btw), you can't just let this go. Her being your friend complicates things. You need to talk to her on your own with the other housemates and explain that he needs to contribute towards bills and get that key off him. Unbelievable that people think they can act this way. I go to my bf house about 3 times a week - don't go over till at least 10pm, might watch some tv but usually just go to his room. Get up 30 mins earlier than I have to to have a shower and about once a month buy some wine or a crate of beer for the other people in the house.

jesus_thats_gre

This isn't a remotely difficult issue to broach to be honest.

Just tell her that you don't like the fact that her bf has a key. He is not on the lease and does not pay the rent and as such, there is no reason for him to have one.

BroomBurner

I was once in the boyfs situation and spent a lot of time at my OH's half, which he shared with other lads. I was given a key, but it was after the others were asked and they didn't mind. I also contributed to bills and housework, seeing as we were the main ones using electricity, etc. and if there was sport on, there wouldn't be a peep outa me to switch the channel. You have to talk with your friend and explain that you're feeling a little awkward and could her boyf contribute to the bills, etc. Make sure your other housemate also agrees with this, and maybe the two of you approach your friend together. You never know, it might be the push they need to go and get their own place.

King of Kings

when i house shared i always assumed that bf's and gf's were allowed stay.
i frequently let myself into gf's house after work etc... to wait for her etc...

i guess in my house shares when that happened i always assumed what went around came around
as in when you havea a bf - he can come and go

i think you are over reacting unless he is there 7 days a week and not living elsewhere.

but if you're not happy - just say it - built up resentment can destroy a shared house quicker than an unwelcome guest.

the_syco

sosimple wrote: »

sometimes when i arrive hoe shes still at work and he'l be sittin on his ass watchin tv, hes a know it all and never shuts up.

If this happens on a regular pattern, on one of your stressed out days, just take the remote from him, put on something, and if he speaks, tell him to "shut the f**k up b|itch, and get me some pie". Remember: you pay the bills, you pay the rent, you pay to sit on the couch to watch the TV. I very much doubt he does.

Your "mate", and I use that term very loosely, probably thinks that you should shut up about it, as your her mate. Not on.

Oh, and as a side note: the previous occupants... why did they leave? Maybe they also got sick of him.

DD

Living with other people in the house ...never liked that.

Nevyn

DD I suggest you read the charter for this forum.
Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

DD

Thaedydal wrote: »

Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.

thanks, i got it
I had the same problem as you, but was my sister's bf in my house. I didn't like that especially when he started to come very often, smoking into my house and leaving a mess behind. I didn't like this and I told them right away. My sister hated me for a while but she understood I was kinda right.
He doesn't come that often now and he understood that I liked my private space the same as he liked his. I think you should talk to them and if something bothers you, you should tell them. It is not that bad, just formulate it in a better way.

MagicMarker

King of Kings wrote: »

when i house shared i always assumed that bf's and gf's were allowed stay.
i frequently let myself into gf's house after work etc... to wait for her etc...

i guess in my house shares when that happened i always assumed what went around came around
as in when you havea a bf - he can come and go

i think you are over reacting unless he is there 7 days a week and not living elsewhere.

but if you're not happy - just say it - built up resentment can destroy a shared house quicker than an unwelcome guest.

It's her home, she shouldn't have to worry if someone who doesn't live there or contribute anything to the household will be sitting on her couch watching her tv when she gets home after work.

I would be seriously pissed off in the OP's shoes.

LegacyUser

you see the opther housemates want me to say something because im her friend.
this suituation has happened me in every house ive lived in ut never had a serious problem as i would just say it, ther werent my friends.
he is there 24/7 with few exceptions

RedXIV

say it to your friend. When i moved up to Dublin first, i moved in with a group of girls and it was a serious change for me. I was used to college living and mates of mine used to pop up all the time. I was lucky that my mates were usually pretty well accepted, used to bring up free booze, give people lifts etc so there was never an issue. But up in dublin, i had three friends stay over and i was called into a meeting. In my case it was pure ignorance, i was just so used to "sure, stay over, not a problem". When i realised i had an issue, i simply moved out but there were no hard feelings. their rules were just a bit too much for me

MJOR

King of Kings wrote: »

when i house shared i always assumed that bf's and gf's were allowed stay.
i frequently let myself into gf's house after work etc... to wait for her etc...

i guess in my house shares when that happened i always assumed what went around came around
as in when you havea a bf - he can come and go

i think you are over reacting unless he is there 7 days a week and not living elsewhere.

but if you're not happy - just say it - built up resentment can destroy a shared house quicker than an unwelcome guest.

+1

WilmaRidesAgain

sosimple wrote: »

you see the opther housemates want me to say something because im her friend.
this suituation has happened me in every house ive lived in ut never had a serious problem as i would just say it, ther werent my friends.
he is there 24/7 with few exceptions

Whoaaaahhhh!!! OP they are trying to use you as a human shield, there they are b1tching in the background and getting you all wound up but too scaredy to say it themselves!!!

Since you revealed in your later post that the girl has been living there 2 years and the rest of ye only a few months it puts a slightly different complexion on things. You see, if she has been doing this for 2 years and it was like that when you moved in her attitude could well be if ya dont like it move out....

Plus if the others aint gonna back you up (they likely wont if they are too scared to say it themselves, dont mind that "youre her friend" crapulence) you will end up painted the bad guy in it all.....is it really worth it for the sake of a house share, you could start your own new house share somewhere else with your rules being Queen and then no-ones nose is outta joint!

Rayven199

I live in a rented house and my boyfriend is over with me every night and has his own key and I wouldnt change the way things are.
Also, i have lived in a house (before i was with my boyfriend) where one of the girls who lived there had her boyfriend practically living in the house, without going into to much detail, they were assholes and disrespcetful and had no shame if ye catch my drift. I moved out after 3 months.

Basically what im getting at is that its hard for you but if you were in her position you would probably do exactly the same thing. We all say that we would never be like that (I know I did) but we all do it then we start going out with our significant others so try to see it from her point of view!

LegacyUser

thats true to a certain extent but it can be quite selfish. i have had boyfriends's when i lived ai a few houses, but we use to spilt our time between our houses, was made more awkward by the fact he still lived at home, but i just felt like i was intrudingby having him always over at my house.
im only going to say something if the other house mates do
have your housemates not complained about about your suituation?

bangersandmash

Rayven199 wrote: »

I live in a rented house and my boyfriend is over with me every night and has his own key and I wouldnt change the way things are.

Sorry we don't all behave that. Maybe that's acceptable if you're a student, but if you're a professional paying a high rent (which you probably are if you live in any city in Ireland), you're entitled to expect to have some degree of private living space that won't be invaded by the other occupants' SO or friends. Additionally, you can be sure that the landlord and/or letting agent won't be too keen on you randomly handing out keys.

Sorry but if someone spends every night of the week in a shared house where they don't (a) pay rent, (b) contribute to bills, then they're taking the piss. Why don't the two of you move in together and pay rent/bills as a couple like everybody else?

OP, I think you're right to be irritated. However the fact that your friend has been there for two years makes it awkward. It seems that your only options are (a) for all of you to approach your friend when her boyfriend is not around, or (b) move in with people who'll show you a little more respect, or possibly (c) rent a place of your own.

LegacyUser

thats excatly what i think they should do, their basically living together as it is, they both have good jobs etc.

it really is getting to me, my rent is expensive as im living in city centre and i shouldnt have to feel awkward in a house that im paying rent for

Rayven199

sosimple wrote: »

thats true to a certain extent but it can be quite selfish. i have had boyfriends's when i lived ai a few houses, but we use to spilt our time between our houses, was made more awkward by the fact he still lived at home, but i just felt like i was intrudingby having him always over at my house.
im only going to say something if the other house mates do
have your housemates not complained about about your suituation?

Sorry, I should have given a little more info there, The house I live in is a 3 bed, ive been there for a year, there were a couple & polish lady living there when I moved in. They moved out after a few months (at different times) and since then people have been coming and going every so often.

I was the only one living there for about two months until my friend moved in about a month ago. No one has ever complained about it to me, in fact everyone who has lived in the house has kept to themselves and rarely come near us (we are not scary people or anything!:o)
To be honest if someone did say they had a problem with it then we would spend more time in his house, but he lives at home and in my house we actually get time to ourselves, where as in his house there are always people around and his parents do be annoying him (as im sure you could understand!)
Our situations are different and I was in your position once so trust me I understand (i know im contradicting my original comment, sorry!)
but my solution was to move out (didnt go all that well!)

Sorry for the rant but ill stop writing soon! Before I moved into the house that im in at the moment I was living with students (i was working at the time) and to say it was a nightmare is an understatement. So for about a year I practically lived in his house, id have dinner there,stay over, shower, watch tv etc like it was my own place until I could afford to move so you can understand why I am a bit territorial about not changing the way he is over all the time! (sorry again for the rant!)
You probably should talk to your friend and ask her to tone it down a bit, she will probably be defensive and embarrassed but she will get over it!!

Rayven199

bangersandmash wrote: »

Sorry we don't all behave that. Maybe that's acceptable if you're a student, but if you're a professional paying a high rent (which you probably are if you live in any city in Ireland), you're entitled to expect to have some degree of private living space that won't be invaded by the other occupants' SO or friends. Additionally, you can be sure that the landlord and/or letting agent won't be too keen on you randomly handing out keys.

Sorry but if someone spends every night of the week in a shared house where they don't (a) pay rent, (b) contribute to bills, then they're taking the piss. Why don't the two of you move in together and pay rent/bills as a couple like everybody else?

OP, I think you're right to be irritated. However the fact that your friend has been there for two years makes it awkward. It seems that your only options are (a) for all of you to approach your friend when her boyfriend is not around, or (b) move in with people who'll show you a little more respect, or possibly (c) rent a place of your own.

The above answer will explain a bit better the situation im in, but in relation to the landlord/key issue, my landlord knows my boyfriend has a key and is fine with it. We have a dog also so when she was a puppy he would pop over during the day if he wasnt working to feed her etc. so that was the reason he was given the key!

And we are planning to buy a house this year and pay the mortgage and bills as a couple. He doesnt pay rent or bills because he is only there when I am so the same amount of electricity would be used even if her were not there. And he only stays over at weekends.

MagicMarker

Bottom line it's down right disrepectful...

Either tell them cut down the visiting hours, tell him to start paying rent/bills, or tell them both to **** off.

jacko

That's totally taking the pi$$.

OP you and your other housemates have to stand up to this and not be such cowards. from the sounds of it all of you dislike him but still let him away with this kind of thing, it's no wonder he's got an answer for everything because you are all so afraid to say anything back to him.

If that was me and someone like that was in the house I'd grab the remote off them and watch something they absolutely detest just so they'd get fed up and leave. (did this with 2 lithuanians that moved in to a place I was renting, they were always screaming lithuanian - or whatever language it was they scream - god their voices were so high pitched and annoying - anyway whenever they were in the tv room, trying to watch friends or any of that muck they'd be yapping away in lithuanian, really annoying. I'd grab the remote and stick on TG4. they'd be totally lost and would leave the room.was great to get a bit of peace and quiet)

next time a bill arrives to the house, wait until the 2 of them are there and then tell him he's got to pay his share, as he practically lives there. If they dont get the message then, well they're seriously ignorant people and to be honest, you shouldn't want to be friends with abyone like that.

I short, stand up for yourself or move on. (nothing worse than having people complaining about things that are so obvious)

bangersandmash

Rayven199 wrote: »

He doesnt pay rent or bills because he is only there when I am so the same amount of electricity would be used even if her were not there. And he only stays over at weekends.

That sounds reasonable, given that your landlord and housemates don't mind. At least you have shown them that courtesy. However, it sounds like the OP is in a rather different situation.

Aside from the issues of privacy and respect, there's also a financial aspect to this. Given that utility bills will have increased about 40% by next January, and with many people feeling the pinch, I wonder if those in house shares will be as tolerant of the boyfriend/girlfriend who is happy to use their electricity or heating while they're at work, without contributing anything back.

BrokenArrows

you would have no right to complain if he was always there when she was but the fact that he calls over when she is not around and basically treats the house as his own is not good.

id would be specific in the fact that you dont like him spending time in the house when she is not around.

If you be specific about this fact then she wont be able to come back with an argument that she can have whoever she wants over. If she is not there then people she knows cant just use the place.

bangersandmash

BrokenArrows wrote: »

you would have no right to complain if he was always there when she was but the fact that he calls over when she is not around and basically treats the house as his own is not good.

I agree that him being there on his own is the biggest issue, but I wouldn't say that she has no right to complain about him always being around. If you have a shared living space - kitchen and living room (often the same thing in many modern properties), it's extremely irritating if someone's other half is plonked on the couch every night of the week when you come home from work and want to relax. If they're in their room much of the time, that's one thing. But effectively being expected to stay in your room or "go out somewhere" so that a couple can spend quality time together in your home really starts to grate when it happens more then 2-3 times a week. I think this is part of the problem that the OP is referring to.

LegacyUser

bangersandmash
thats excatly what im talking about, im not a huge tv fan but i havent watched one programme since ive moved in, my other house mates have tried but they were made to feel awkward by my housemate and her bf.
im a pretty easy going person, but it really bugs me the way some people feel they can treat me like this
at the weeks ends or coming up to them, tey always ask me what im doing, i get the impression that theres an undertone there, that they want me to be out of the house!

rescue26

I was in a similar situation myself only recently except instead of the girl being my friend she was my sister so like you, found it very hard to bring it up and I didnt. Big mistake. It used to annoy me so much him being there esp as it was an apartment so no where else to go really as kitchen and sitting room were all the one. Anyway, I never said anything for a long time and I was getting madder and madder about it and one day it ended in a massive argument. We were both roaring at each other. We did eventually make up but like I said we were sisters so kinda had to anyway. Afterwards we sat down and talked about it and organised he should call a few nights a week. We can laugh about it now though. My point is, you really should say it to your friend before ye fall out over it, you can say it in a really nice way as well and it shouldnt matter who is in the house the longest, ye are all paying rent, except for him of course. Talk to her, she will understand if she really is your friend