What have i done?

polevault

Hi there,:(:(

I just want to know if anyone has ever felt like this or is it normal for people to do what i did?.

I was going out with my girlfriend for about a year and a half until i decided i had to get out of the relationship. We were very happy together and even lived together since early spring. Well thats what we thought. I had just finished college last summer and i was on the threshold of an exciting career. we got together for the first time when i was still in college and she was already finished since the previous year. We got on great and got serious very very quickly. A bit too quickly i think.Looking back , feel like i didnt have much choice on the matter. I started to get a bit freaked out at the beginning, with the prospect of a girlfriend not being an interest of mine because it was so near to starting a new life and job somewhwere and i wanted to experience the world for myself with no worries. Im not a guy to go out and score random girls, i just wanted the more honest freedom of going where i liked when i liked as a young proffessional earning a wage for the first time. After we really got to know eachother things started to get a bit hairy. I noticed that she was always down in the dumps about things and even everyday things were such hard work. Work, friends, family, sport,finances, everything seemed to get here down. It was always me on the other end of the phone ABSORBING all this negativity. This went on for about 1yr of our relationship. We loved eachother deeply, and i told her i would love to spend the rest of my life with her, which i meant , but when she was in bad form it was miserable to be around her. I have never met someone in such conflict with themselves and the world. Coming home from work in the evenings my tummy would be in a knot wondering what drama she would be giving out about next. I would be so releived when i would pull up and she would be chirpy, but unfortunately those evenings were few and fare between!. It began to eat into my own sense of worth and i myself began to feel miserable going to work in the mornings, wondering, and feeling guilty for no reason. It was starting to effect my progreess at work, because i didnt have a clear head anymore. She would even ring me up at work giving out about how busy she is , or that one of her friends didnt reply to a text she sent them!. If i said that it wasnt a good time to talk about these things at work, i would get given out to for not caring about her. On a couple of occasions an argument would start on the phone about me being quiet and not saying a whole lot but looking back on it now it wasnt because i didnt care but it was because 90% of our phone conversations were about negative talk and about how under presure she is, but the things she felt were big things were only everyday things that i have dealt with before. But i couldnt say that because she would freak with me saying that i dont appretiate how hard she works, but i know what her job intails and its not extraordinary.

Anyways getting back to the point. I was commuting 3.25hrs to work in the north everyday(CN), living in a part of the country i didnt need to be(KE), not being in contact with any of my child hood friends who were all in another part of the country (my home townWH) it began to eatr away at me and i knew i couldnt handle any more of having a knot in my tummy going and coming from a days work that i used to enjoy but didnt anymore, and circunstances at wok didnt change. I was under serious pressure trying to be there for her whenever she needed me but i began to realise that i was being smoothered and was quickly becoming someone else whom i didnt know. So we had a row and i brought up the commute didstance and that i was finding it hard but she didnt take it on board at all and wasnt seeing sense, so after a couple of hours rowing down the phone which was mostly her picking away at me about how her life is far mor difficult than mine, a comparison that would never make with someone. It dosent matter who is busier, i have my own job and life and problems to deal with. So enogh was enough, i told her i was leaving, but she didnt believe me until i actually did it. My health has inproved dramatically, im myself again and my work output has improved but im becomming more and more aware thta i ripped someone's heart out right before their eyes. She never saw it coming, but i had to do it, it wasnt the life for me. I had always told her that i loved her and i meant it at the time , i feel i only loved her when she wasn't upset about something and they ware becoming scarce moments. I know i should have told her how i really felt but i tried a couple of times and it always turned into an argument as if her problems were far more important, I think we had eachother fooled into thinking that everyhting was great when deep down there was this undercurrent of unhappiness in myself and where my life was going. I had to get out but i really really miss her and i just feel like i have turned her world upside down. She is heart broken with what i have done to her. She thinks that i have no respect for the last year and a half and what we have been through together. I feel awful for leaving herbut i feel its for the better, we have the rest of our lives ahead of us and we havent cheated on eachother or anything like that it just wasnt working out with my job commute and location.

Was i being selfish, my maintality is that it is like pulling a plaster, the quicker you do it the less it hurts, because i know if i hadnt done it i would be still commuting a rediculous distance and would probably not be in a job by christmas!, it was effecting me that much.

Sugar Drunk

You tried and the relationship didnt work. From what you have said there were problems from the beginning. Regardless of what or who caused the problems, from readin gyour post its obvious that you were worn out with the relationship and wanted out. when the desire to fix the relationship goes well so has the relationship itself.
Shes hurt yes, but its better to say how you feel than to string it out for the sake of it.

dr.bollocko

Man you wanted the relationship to be over and ended it up front and fairly. You did it like a man. Let her be for a while and dont worry about your conduct anymore.

MJOR

In this world OP we are the masters of our own destiny.... You have to look out for number one....

You did nothing wrong. Cut off all contact and move on for both of your sakes.

SnowMonkey

. no offence she sound's like a pain in the back side, and has a mentality that maybe the world Os her a living just a thaught..

You've nothing wrong, granted you do care about your x we all do but just look forward... and your what was right buy you. no one can dissrespect that..

randombar

I definitely know where you are coming from in this case, and I reckon you'd be very similar to me, at the start trying to help her, try and make her more positive, basically trying to help her depression.

the one thing I know is if you're not a professional councilor or the likes you really cant help someone that suffers from depression they have to help themselves and I think a lot of times they have to do that on their own.

You'll feel bad and hate yourself for a while the fact that you're not there for her but at the end of the day you've one life, you've to look after yourself and choose yourself as number one sometimes!

Fair play to you for dealing with it all pretty maturely and I hope you find someone that makes you feel happy and excited to go home to. I know I did.

Wagon

Your ex seems to have a mentality that the whole world is against her, and she's fighting the odds. That's true for everyone on this earth. We encounter and tackle problems every day, but it's wrapped up in her so much that she can't see (or more likely, doesn't want to see) the benefits in her life. You can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. And it's understandable if you feel resentment towards the person eventually. Cut contact and move on, you dealt with this as well as you could.

Aurora Borealis

It sounds like she has some problems she needs to work out herself. It is understandable you became resentful of her being dismissive of your problems on the premise hers were greater. That isn't the way a relationship should be, it's about both being there for each other and give and take.

Breaking up isn't easy for either person. There are no rights or wrongs really, failing actually talking to the person so they can have some closure. You've done that. Maybe do the nice thing and check in on her from time to time but only if you feel it won't create problems. She obviously needs time to get over things and work on herself a bit. Maybe in time you can salvage a friendship.

It would be worse and more hurtful for her also to stay in a relationship you no longer wanted to work at.

polevault

Thanks guys for the honest replies. There is one thing though. It has been going around in my head that i may have been the one who couldnt get my emotions across and this added to the whole situation. i would love to be close friends with her in the future, without the pressure of having to be there all the time etc. But i am just afraid that i could get sucked into false hope and get back with her again, then regreting it all over again once we get close. we have had minimal contact since we parted our ways. How long do you think i should wait before i make contact again. Lets just say the wound will be still pretty much open at the moment. i know if i text or call to say hi, it WILL be really hard to keep it civil without her being really argumentative with me. Everyone i know are telling me its for the best, but im haunted by the look on her face when she realised what was happening. It keeps going over and over in my head in slow motion, her eyes and body language. I could see her heart breaking right in front of me and it was me doing it. When i realised what was happening i nearly said to her that i took it all back. At that stage i didnt care about work, friends, myself i would have lived with all those problems for a bit longer just so i wouldnt put her through that, but it was too late, her heart was broken and i feel awful for it. but i need to give myself a reality check and realise that every day that goes by is a day nearer to getting on with our lives!. I feel i really did love her but it was coming at a serious expense to my own welfare. I think the hardest thing that i have to live with is splurting out in the heat of the moment that i didnt know if i loved her anymore, but i really did, and still do. I just hope she is going to be ok on her own for a while. I suspect she will be with someone else pretty soon, because she is one of these people who always has to be with someone, its something im not looking forward to seeing or hearing about but its part of the moving on process i suppose.
Thanks again",);)

randombar

Don't know much about relationships but I've all ways said during them no matter what happens we'll all ways be the best of friends and that's never turned out to be the case! Enjoy being single for a while doing your own thing and looking after yourself!

Aurora Borealis

Maybe I'm in the minority here but why walk away if you do still love her as you say here. I for one would not give up on love until I was certain I had tried everything I could. It just doesn't happen that easily and is worth every effort in my book. Did you try or consider counselling at all? Maybe it's too late for that now but it just struck me that you say you are still in love with her and still want to be in contact etc and don't relish the thought of actually hearing she has moved on.

polevault

I suppose its one of those unavoidable emotions of breaking up. I feel that the only way i will be able to move on and get on with my life is to know that she is doing the same. Part of me isnt looking forward to seeing her with somone else but there is that other part that will give me closure on the whole thing and i know she is making headway in her life. I would hate to think that i would start moving on while she is still standing in the tar of emotion after a break up. We tried alot of things to give the relationship a chance. I moved to another part of the country to be with her because we only saw eachother some weekends and it was getting really hard to free up the weekends to be with eathother because of both our sport commitments. So we decided that if we at least spend the week days together we could do our sports at the weekends, but it didnt work out like that. I found myself not competing to go to her sporting events with her, she never forced me to do it but i would be made feel guilty for not going. I was like putty in her hands. And after a while it made me feel worthless, like an emotional slave and punchbag. Sometimes i think i may have been the one dealing with more, i had to worry about her fears along with my own, she only had to worry about her own. Mine were never really considered.

Thanks for advice

Aurora Borealis

It was more the fact that you said you did still love her that made me question things, not the seeing her move on. It does appear you have given it everything you can and I get the impression it is her who hasn't tried as much. Of course it'll be hard seeing her with someone else, especially if as you suggest that she will waste no time in doing so but you'll get through it.

Best of luck.

A.B.

eveie

what you've just talked about is excatly the position i was in about a yr ago word for word.
when my relationship first ended i had a certain sense of guilt but it quickly passed when i realised how much happier i was without that person, i changed when i was with him to suit him.
i can promise you that you did the right thing

polevault

Thank Eveie,

I know its for the best. I Suppose its not good to try any change especially when i was trying to change who i was just to keep the peace. Just wondering, did you tend to agree with things just to keep the peace and take sides just so that they would feel better about the situation and then it would be resolved quicker? I found i used to do that alot and i recently heard it happened to a couple of my bros friends. It began to change how thier partner saw them and they were seen as different people to their partners thus not feeling themselves for quite some time.
I hope everything has worked out great for you since";),,

Aurora Borealis

I think it's quite common when one person has more power in a relationship for the other to acquiesce to make life easier. It's about dynamics and hopefully the balance will be more equal in your next relationship.

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi OP,

No offence to your ex, but it sounds like you were put in an impossible position. Every time you tried to talk to her she played the martyr act, so what could you do.

Its a pity alright but I honestly think for your own emotional health you are better off out of it.

She sounds a terrible drain, its possible she will learn with time that her behaviour is driving people away, hopefully but you did the right thing moving on sad as it may be now.

Anyway Good Luck :pac:

Fletch123

Polevault- you did the right thing by getting out of there. I am in that situation at the moment, however I'm the one who's miserable. I acted atrociously towards my SO and since my realisation have been trying to make amends, and to change my outlook (counseling, changing lifestyle etc.). I had been the one doing all the moaning, when in fact my SO is under far more pressure and had to bottle up his more relevant moans...

I'm sure your ex will someday realise the position she put you, and be glad that you ended the relationship. I know I fear that sometimes I'm driving my SO away, it's good to be aware that he isn't there as a sounding wall, he's a person too

Good luck, you will feel better eventually!