Should I be jealous?

LegacyUser

Hi Folks, I have an issue that I would like to ask your opinion on. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and live together. We are a female couple. She has a new job and there is a gay woman who works with her who she has become friendly with.
We were out socially with a group of our friends about a month ago and my partner invited this woman along. She seemed nice enough and got quite drunk and told us all about her personal life - she was just after breaking up with her partner after several years and was seeing someone else who is in another relationship.

Another couple of weeks ago my partner was going to her parent’s house down the country (I couldn’t go due to prior commitment). I hadn’t heard from my partner that evening, she wasn’t replying to my texts. When she came home she told me she had brought the woman from work down with her and she had met her parents.

Then this weekend my partner was down at her parent’s home again minding the house as her parents are on holidays (again I couldn’t go as I had to work). Yesterday I rang her several times but her phone was off, I also texted her and got no response. She rang me eventually when she was about 30 mins away from home and told me that her battery had been dead and she had only managed to get it charged from the charger in her car. When she got home and I was asking her what she did for the day she told me that the woman from work had come over and they had spent the afternoon together.

I told my partner I was annoyed with her for not contacting me all day, especially as this is what happened the last time they were hanging out together also. She told me she just didn’t think to contact me and that I was foolish to be jealous. She said she just wants to have some friends that she has made on her own steam as all our other friends were originally my friends. I asked her what she would think if her father had a new friend who was female and that he was hanging around with without the mother and she said that it wasn’t even the same thing.

So my question is, am I foolish to be jealous of my partner spending time with this woman?

Beruthiel

Angie4 wrote: »

So my question is, am I foolish to be jealous of my partner spending time with this woman?

Well, there is nothing wrong with your partner having friends.
However, I would wonder at the fact that the two times she went down to her parents house she never mentioned that she was bringing this woman along.
Did she keep that info to herself for a reason, and what was the reason?

craichoe

Angie4 wrote: »

Hi Folks, I have an issue that I would like to ask your opinion on. My partner and I have been together for 6 years and live together. We are a female couple. She has a new job and there is a gay woman who works with her who she has become friendly with.
We were out socially with a group of our friends about a month ago and my partner invited this woman along. She seemed nice enough and got quite drunk and told us all about her personal life - she was just after breaking up with her partner after several years and was seeing someone else who is in another relationship.

Another couple of weeks ago my partner was going to her parent’s house down the country (I couldn’t go due to prior commitment). I hadn’t heard from my partner that evening, she wasn’t replying to my texts. When she came home she told me she had brought the woman from work down with her and she had met her parents.

Then this weekend my partner was down at her parent’s home again minding the house as her parents are on holidays (again I couldn’t go as I had to work). Yesterday I rang her several times but her phone was off, I also texted her and got no response. She rang me eventually when she was about 30 mins away from home and told me that her battery had been dead and she had only managed to get it charged from the charger in her car. When she got home and I was asking her what she did for the day she told me that the woman from work had come over and they had spent the afternoon together.

I told my partner I was annoyed with her for not contacting me all day, especially as this is what happened the last time they were hanging out together also. She told me she just didn’t think to contact me and that I was foolish to be jealous. She said she just wants to have some friends that she has made on her own steam as all our other friends were originally my friends. I asked her what she would think if her father had a new friend who was female and that he was hanging around with without the mother and she said that it wasn’t even the same thing.

So my question is, am I foolish to be jealous of my partner spending time with this woman?

No, shes being a total bell end.

I wouldn't bring someone who is a work colleague to meet my parents anyway. If anything i'd keep work/personal live seperate. Let alone bring a train wreck of a girl who has just broken up with someone and has her head all over the place.

TBH from what you've described it all sounds a bit dodgy.

One of the following applies:

A. Shes cheating on you
or
B. Shes a complete tool who has her head up in the clouds.
or
C. She wants to drive you completely mad.

I'd say let her know how you feel, but you can do nothing more than that, thinking about it or pushing the issue will make you think your a paranoid nutter.

hungryhippo

Suggest a menage-a-trois with the laser beam and see how your partner reacts. That'll put the cat among the pigeons.

MJOR

In theory I would have no problem however both times she neglected to mention until after the event that this woman was accompanying her down.

Friends I have no problems with secrecy i have a big problem with

Wagon

Sounds weird. But see how it pans out in the future. Might be nothing going on and they're just mates but you're partner is a bit of a ditsy retard though. Espicially bringing her work collegue down to meet the parents. Just don't get that at all.

Wibbs

hungryhippo your post is not helpful and is bordering on insulting. Read the charter or post elsewhere.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Wagon wrote: »

Sounds weird. But see how it pans out in the future. Might be nothing going on and they're just mates but you're partner is a bit of a ditsy retard though. Espicially bringing her work collegue down to meet the parents. Just don't get that at all.

I don't think she specificially brought her down to meet the parents. My partner says she feels sorry for yer woman because she is such a mess. The other thing is that this woman is my partner's supervisor in the job so I just think it is weird.

KnifeWRENCH

No OP you're not being silly. This does sound very dodgy.

She has brought a woman she's only known for a little while down the country with her to meet her parents? And brought her a 2nd time when the parents were away?

That just doesn't sound normal.

Wagon

Angie4 wrote: »

I don't think she specificially brought her down to meet the parents. My partner says she feels sorry for yer woman because she is such a mess. The other thing is that this woman is my partner's supervisor in the job so I just think it is weird.

Fair enough but the reason she was going down the country in the first place was to see her parents. She must have known that she was going to be spending a lot of time with them at the weekend. Is your partner normally that sound to everyone? I don't get the supervisor thing either. Is she looking to get a raise in the workplace? Sounds shallow but i'm just trying to exaust all options.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Fair enough but the reason she was going down the country in the first place was to see her parents. She must have known that she was going to be spending a lot of time with them at the weekend. Is your partner normally that sound to everyone? I don't get the supervisor thing either. Is she looking to get a raise in the workplace? Sounds shallow but i'm just trying to exaust all options.

No, I don't think she is looking for a raise. I sort of believe her when she says she just wants to have some more friends, if she hadn't of been secretive or had actually told me that yer woman was going down there then I wouldn't have had a problem. It's the not answering my calls and texts when she's with her that really freaks me out.

Aurora Borealis

Your partner is without doubt entitled to want friends of her own as it were but I would tell her you had hoped that she could share her weekends plans with you and that you felt a bit out of the loop not finding out until afterwards she had visitors. Try not to jump to conclusions in your head and just talk to her.

KnifeWRENCH

Angie you really need to talk to your partner about this.

Even if there's nothing going on it's still extremely rude for her to disappear for a weekend and not bother to contact you when you send her messages.

Try and avoid accusing her of anything, just explain that you'd prefer that she replied to your messages.

MuPpItJoCkEy

I do find that her behaviour is very suspicious. Bringing some person who you work with to spend weekends with you and to meet the parents, very strange.

LegacyUser

visitorhere wrote: »

were you saying that your partners friend said she was seeing someone at the moment-a woman already in a relationship?

Yeah she's having a fling with some other woman who also works at the same place - what a mess!

DiscoHugh

Angie4 wrote: »

Yeah she's having a fling with some other woman who also works at the same place - what a mess!

And this is the type of person your gf wants to associate with?befriend? and bring home to the folks? :eek:

I don't know if it's entirely apt for me to make this comparison but if my gf was befriending a guy at work who was acting the way this woman was, bringing him home etc. etc. I'd be more than a little miffed! Like I said though, maybe it's not a good comparison (though I don't see why not)

dudara

Angie4, there's really nothing to be said other than you need to tell her how hurt you feel by her secrecy and the fact that it's this woman.

WilmaRidesAgain

Hi Angie,

It sounds very suss to me......

I would be suspicious of this one who sees nothing wrong with sleeping with someone who is in another relationship spending all this time with your partner.

Your partner seems to be showing you disrespect too with her wishy washy excuses....

I smell a rat, I think you should set them up, tell partner you are going away for the night and see if your one magically appears over at your place.......

Then pounce!

LegacyUser

visitorhere wrote: »

Do you know who this other woman at work she is supposed to be having so called fling with? I am seriously thinking it was a reference to your gf at this point given the previous info you have posted. Did she make this comment to you alone or in front of you both.

It's time you ask your partner to lose this friend shes far too dodgy.
I think if your partner has problems with this siding with a "new friend" over a 6yr relationship you will have all your answers.

Apart from these recent events have you had any doubts in your relationship?

Discohugh-you are entirely correct in your comparison there is no difference!If my bf carried on a friendship with a woman with this rep for in office flings I'd hit the roof.

I don't know the woman she is supposed to be having the fling with personally but my partner has told me about her, apparently she is in a serious relationship and has a kid and everything. Because she has the kid she won't leave her partner to be with this other one.

I haven't any doubts about my relationship apart from this current stuff.

Wilma, I wouldn't try and set anything like that up, it's all a bit dramatic. I really want to believe my partner is really only interested in this woman as a friend, it's just the "not telling me when she was planning to hang out with her" and the "not answering my texts etc." that really bothers me.

bada_bing

from what you've just said , i don't think your partner is giving you the respect that you deserve. I mean, being secretive about this other woman is definitely a deal breaker in most relationships!! Regardless of whether there is an affair going on or not, the fact that your partner seems to think she can ignore you for a weekend or days at a time while she's spending time with another woman!!! I think you deserve better than that.

Wagon

Based on most of the posts, all you can do is talk to your partner about it. Maybe suggest meeting this lady yourself and see how your partner reacts to that suggestion. It can tell a lot.

How Strange

Angie4 wrote: »

No, I don't think she is looking for a raise. I sort of believe her when she says she just wants to have some more friends, if she hadn't of been secretive or had actually told me that yer woman was going down there then I wouldn't have had a problem. It's the not answering my calls and texts when she's with her that really freaks me out.

OP, is this behaviour out of character for your partner?

If so then you need to talk to her about it.

Honestly, I'd have to say that if you're in a long term relationship and your partner has started to act and behave out of character and you find this strange then something is going on. I'm not saying she's having an affair but I do think that there has been a shift in your relationship which has left you feeling vulnerable and suspicious and that needs to be addressed.

LegacyUser

Wagon wrote: »

Based on most of the posts, all you can do is talk to your partner about it. Maybe suggest meeting this lady yourself and see how your partner reacts to that suggestion. It can tell a lot.

Well I have met her once before and I'm sure I will be seeing her again, my partner is likely to invite her along when we go out for a drink with our friends.

How Strange, yes it is out of character for her. She would normally always answer the phone to me and make sure she texts me frequently. I was really worried about her yesterday so much so that I rang her sister to see if she knew where she was or what was going on.

Maybe I will direct her to this thread and see what she thinks. She is pretty much annoyed at me for being jealous.

MJOR

But Angie she has done nothing to reassure you either. I don't think given the circumstances it's unreasonable that you look for some sort of explaination.

LegacyUser

Hi. Just to give an update on this. Last Monday night I had this out with my partner and she was very apologetic about not texting or answering my calls when she was with this woman. She assured me that she loved me and that there was absolutely nothing going on between them. So that was grand.

Then, on Saturday, my partner found out that she didn't have to work on Sunday and decided that she would go to her parent's place. I had plans on Sunday afternoon so again I couldn't go with her.

On Sunday morning we were talking about our plans for the day and I said "so, any plans to meet up with yer woman today?", no she says, no plans. I felt like she was lying (also because she had been acting weird with her phone, bringing it into the toilet with her and stuff). So when she went out to make breakfast I picked up her phone and saw a message from your woman saying "tomorrow sounds great, see you then". I looked at her sent messages aswell but all the ones to yer woman had been deleted. So alarm bells start ringing. When she came back in I asked "so do you have any plans to hang out with yer woman today" and again she said "no". So I said "well why is there a message on your phone from her saying tomorrow sounds great?" and she said "well, I was going to meet her but I decided now I'm not going to"

I was in total shock that she had blatantly lied to me twice to my face! and even worse tried to justify it by saying she had changed her mind so she wasn't really lying to me. She then went on about how she was so sick of my jealously that she lied so that I wouldn't be jealous.

Things are really bad now. I've never lied to my partner and she was the one person I really thought I could trust. Any advice?

jmauel

Angie4 wrote: »

Yeah she's having a fling with some other woman who also works at the same place - what a mess!

Oh dear, sounds like an ex of mine. Anyway none of this sounds good. I know you should not jump to conclusions about what might have happened but your partner needs to be more forthcoming about what she is doing, before not afterwards.

Rb

Sounds like she's cheating on you alright, probably best off ending the relationship as it looks as though you're in for a world of hurt if you keep letting this go on.

drusk

I don't think this is 'jealousy'. I think she's hiding something. Don't end the relationship without finding out exactly what's going on - that would be silly.

A couple of other people have suggested this already - set a trap! Tell her you have to go somewhere for a weekend you know she'll be at home. Ask her what she'll be getting up to while you're away, if she'll invite your one over, etc. Then "go off" for the weekend. Spy on the house to see if your one calls round. If she does, sit and wait, and watch to see if she leaves the house. If she doesn't, then barge in in the middle of the night.

It sounds as if she's feeding you excuses. So unless you catch her in the act of cheating on you, or unless she eventually admits it, then you and your emotions are going to continue to suffer.

IRISH RAIL

Ya know every time I read these kind of threads it just gets my blood boiling from when I was cheated on,
OP theres only one thing to do when she is going to her parents next tell her your in work ring in sick and go to the parents house ( if you have a key even better) and get to the bottom of all this

LegacyUser

She has lied to you. You do not lie to your partner in an open, honest, committed relationship. Not to this degree, and not about something like this.

Phone secrecy is a big warning bell, and I can tell you this from hard experience; her accusing you of 'jealousy' is classic projection and is the first line of defense for a cheater: get the focus onto you and make the issue yours, so let me make this clear. Do not go on the defense, I know this is a stupid game to play and in a perfect world it wouldnt be necessary but here you are just as I was. Assuming the worst, she will have worked out some justification for this in her head which gives her license to project the issue onto you.

You have to be assertive, she has lied, and whether or not she is cheating (it doesnt sound good from my point of view, and far too familiar), she owes you an explanation. You have done nothing wrong, and nothing you could have done justifies lying like this.

It is not going to be easy, be prepared for the worst and accept whatever comes your way as best you can. You have your part to play too, and that involves being as calmly assertive as you can. I wish you all the best, and please take care of yourself. Remember she is the one in the wrong not you

Aurora Borealis

I'd be reluctant to set a trap or something to that effect. I mean surely you deserve better than having to stoop to such tactics. You need to sit her down and tell her exactly how you're feeling and why. Lay your suspicions on the table. You're with this woman six years, you have to be able to be honest with her. If her response or handling of the situation doesn't then allay your fears that begs the question whether you should really be with her at all.

LegacyUser

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

I'd be reluctant to set a trap or something to that effect. I mean surely you deserve better than having to stoop to such tactics. You need to sit her down and tell her exactly how you're feeling and why. Lay your suspicions on the table. You're with this woman six years, you have to be able to be honest with her. If her response or handling of the situation doesn't then allay your fears that begs the question whether you should really be with her at all.

She hasnt been honest with her, and unfortunately, if she is cheating she may believe she is in the right. Thats not to say she doesnt feel guilty, but the defensive behavior rears its head in the heat of the moment when threatened. The only way she may back down or admit to anything is when confronted with evidence.

Either way OP, she is doing wrong, it doesnt matter to what degree right now, she is witholding something from you, she is not being open, she is lying, and she seems to think its perfectly ok for you to take the brunt of the emotional guilt. Do not stand for it.

Plek Trum

Angie - keep your dignity and a sense of decorum in all this, you owe that to yourself. I would advise that you ignore all advice to 'set traps' - you will only end up adding fuel to the fire, not to mention embarrassed if all turns out to be innocent.

Your partner can have all the friends she likes, and I know you realise this.
However, her priority should be her relationship with you and at the very least she should answer your calls or txts when you try to contact her.
The fact that she did not tell you this woman was going to accompany her would make anyone wonder and yes, feel slightly jealous. The fact that she then lied to you twice may also be indicative of something .. but of which you have no proof.

I would suggest that you try and take control of the situation. Why not suggest to your partner that since she is spending time with MissX, then maybe you should all meet up or have her over to visit for a bite to eat, you might as well get to know her especially if she is getting to know your in-laws. Reactions to this suggestion may tell a lot. If you are going to encounter this woman in your social circles then get talking to her (in a nice way), talk about your partners parents and the house etc being friendly, what did she think of being down there.

By letting the two of them know you are aware of things and apparently 'au fait' with them socialising you have some control over the situation for the time being. I would however emphasise to your partner that you dont appreciate secrets and would appreciate if she would just let you know what her plans were.. not out of any demanding needs but simply out of resepect to you and your relationship. She shouldnt have a problem with this at all if she has nothing to hide. Keep talking to your partner and best of luck xxx

visitorhere

The only evidence you have is that shes arranging meet ups- and lying about it. Claiming you are jealous or paranoid is so predictable it's textbook. Secrecy with phones and texts this far into a long term relationship is ridiculous.

Don't go setting traps that is immature and would leave you looking like a complete eejet! Don't play into your partners games either, you are not obliged to entertain this woman on nights out and pretend your fine with their friendship when you aren't. This will sove nothing!

Do ye have other gay friends? Is it a case of new job, new friends, new life for her? Let her know you aren't prepared to be made an eejet of and she has choices to make. In saying that you also have a choice to make!

LegacyUser

I cant help feeling you are being sort of gullible accepting everything she says at face value. Sorry I dont mean to be hurtful but its peoples actions that speak the loudest, not their words imho.
Trust is one thing, but her actions are not adding up and something doesnt feel right.

I dont get this attitude some people have that you shouldnt snoop or set up a partner you feel is cheating, at the end of the day 99% of people are right when they get that cheating sensation, and the end justifies the means. Snooping is a small misdemeanour compared to cheating.
Dont be so afraid of being considered "untrusting" that you allow someone to make a fool of you right to your face....
Maybe I have trust issues, but in RL I rarely get it wrong about people.

Anyway, OP, smarten up cos she is playing away, if not I will eat my hat!

LegacyUser

Absolutely, and your hunch in this case, given the amount of time you have been together is likely to be more accurate. Defensive behavior shows in a cheater all the time, it changes their behavior toward you at all times. I remember the feeling, you just know something is out of place, and you cant think what it might have to do with you. In this case the weight of evidence suggests it doesnt, and it isnt a case of justification for you needing evidence. You need peace of mind, and you are doing nothing but verifying something you have every right to know in the first place.

Just go about it the right way, keep your cool in a confrontation if it comes to that, and dont give in to anger, despite how angry you may be. Reacting in anger

MJOR

beenthere wrote: »

Absolutely, and your hunch in this case, given the amount of time you have been together is likely to be more accurate. Defensive behavior shows in a cheater all the time, it changes their behavior toward you at all times. I remember the feeling, you just know something is out of place, and you cant think what it might have to do with you. In this case the weight of evidence suggests it doesnt, and it isnt a case of justification for you needing evidence. You need peace of mind, and you are doing nothing but verifying something you have every right to know in the first place.

Just go about it the right way, keep your cool in a confrontation if it comes to that, and dont give in to anger, despite how angry you may be. Reacting in anger

+1 Its escalated a good bit now that she has lied again

LegacyUser

Well it all came out last night. She has been having an affair with her for the past month. I'm so heartbroken right now. I guess there's never smoke without fire. She was lying to me the whole time.

kraggy

Sorry to hear that.

Any idea what you're gonna do?

Whatever else, I think you should get away from her and try and get your head together. Take some time out to clear your head and try figure out what you want. By rights, she should leave and give you time and space. You shouldn't have to leave your house, unless you want to.

I know what I would do. But I'm not you and only you can make decisions for you.

But you can't make a decision unless you get away from this for a while. Maybe stay in a friend's house or your parents for a while?

spinandscribble

i can't believe the cheek of her going to her parents, getting them wrapped up in her cheating when they've known so many years. does she want you to forgive her? and its her boss! messy.

MJOR

Sorry Angie to hear that where's your head at?

drusk

So so so sorry to hear it. What a weasel. I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. I just hope you know that, however good their relationship may be now, they will NEVER be able to trust each other, no matter how much they want to. A relationship founded on betrayal will never be fulfilling, worthwhile or lasting.

Difficult as you may find to accept right now, the truth is that you deserve better than her. Chin up. xx

Wibbs

I have to say once can be a mistake. A few drinks in and the blood is up etc, but an affair over the course of a month? No, it's more than that. Way more. I feel for you.

Beruthiel

I'd have to agree with Wibbs.
For it to go on that long knowing what she was risking means she is in further than she's making out.
I personally couldn't take that kind of betrayal.

MJOR

OP wrote:

Well I told her to get out of the house so she has gone to her parents house. She told them what happened and they are disgusted with her.

She has been begging me to take her back saying the whole thing was a mistake and meant nothing. I don't know what will happen. The sad thing is I really lover her but I don't feel that I can trust her again.

I think if she had been Straight up from the get go there might be some chance but she continiously lied to you.... IMO i wouldn't go back to be betrayed and hurt again.

marti101

I agree if she had been honest about feeling attracted to this women you could have sat and talked.Why do you think she told yoy now somebody else knew and were probably going to tell.Let us know how you get on

akamossy

Angie4 wrote: »

Well it all came out last night. She has been having an affair with her for the past month. I'm so heartbroken right now. I guess there's never smoke without fire. She was lying to me the whole time.

I'm very sorry to hear that but at least you know the truth now. Take care of yourself

forestfruits

Im sure your sick of hearing it but Im so sorry to hear that. you were right, at least no trapping of any kind was needed - she told you- late but at least she told you.

Chin up-

LegacyUser

forestfruits wrote: »

Im sure your sick of hearing it but Im so sorry to hear that. you were right, at least no trapping of any kind was needed - she told you- late but at least she told you.

Chin up-

Well in fairness she didn't exactly tell me - I found out. She really rubbed it in my face actually and there was no way I could have missed it. I think the other woman wanted them to get caught, it seems like she is a bit of a psycho who gets off on this type of thing (not that my partner wasn't totally at fault).

Aurora Borealis

I just don't get people who do this type of thing. I feel for you OP, it's not an easy thing to find out. It's happened to me twice, both times not confirmed until after the relationship ended but it didn't make it any easier to swallow. Hang on in there and head up high, at least you know you're better than that and have morals.