Me or the Ex?

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Woman trouble unfortunately ... Apologies in advance as it is long but just want to get it all out to see what opinions you may have. Cheers.


This time yesterday I was lying in bed with my girlfriend as happy as I have ever been. Today I am in bed single and dunno how to feel/react/what to do. We went out friday night and had a good night with friends, she stayed over and we were in bed for hours on saturday morning until I dropped her off around 7 at her house. At 11.30 she txt and asked could she call over to chat. She told me that her ex had called over saying that he wanted her back and that she needed some space to think things through.

Some background info:
We are going out as boyfriend(27)/girlfriend(23) for 2 months.
She was with her ex for 6 years. She is a friend of my mates girlfriend. I knew her for about 3 months before we got together. According to her, she was unhappy with her ex for nearly a year. We had been going out with our group of friends for a couple of weeks (more regulary than we both would be in their company) and she broke it off with her ex and we started seeing each other. I/we initiated nothing while she was not single and even when she became single we dated to see how we got on before we actually got together.

When we did get together, we spent alot of time together and things were great. I was surprised at myself but even the L word came in to play. We went away last week for 5 days (mon-fri) and literally lived in each others pockets for the whole time and didnt even argue once. It was perfect. Then on sunday evening after leaving my house in the afternoon she called me and asked could we talk that he ex had called over for a chat. She had told me on wed/thurs that he had text and asked could they chat sometime and wanted to be honest with me - and I said it was fine because 6 years was a long time to be with someone and they had no contact since they broke up.

However when they met up, he told her that he had not realised that they had actually broken up and just thought they were on a break while she was on her study leave and he decided not to contact her until after her exams were finished (fri before) to distract her. She told him that she did not know how he could not have realised and that she was with me etc. I was really thrown by all of this and how she was reacting to it. She was very upset and was "feeling really guilty" that she hurt her ex and that he did not know it was over. We talked about it and I tried to explain to her that its not her fault and that she should not feel guilty for him.

For the rest of the week, as you can imagine after that bombshell, things were a little on edge but still seemed good between us. With a tiny niggle here or there but we continued to spend time with each other as we were both off for the week. Then last night she called over and we chatted in her car and she said that her ex had called over again asking for another chance and her head was melted and didnt know what to think (admittedly she can be very indecisive). She said she didnt want to lose me and she loved being with me but that she didnt want to ruin our time together if this was going to be on her mind.

We talked for a couple hours in her car and she was crying a good bit. We left it that she was taking time to think things through and we would talk soon. She ended up calling me when she got home to say goodnight and we talked things through some more and well I had had time to mull things through in my head and probably said things I wouldnt have said in a face to face situation. The girl is a beautiful person who could not hurt a fly and would not cheat on a partner. Her ex was her first sexual partner and obviously a 6 year relationship when you are 23 means a lot.

I told her that in my thoughts were that she wanted a break from me to she if she could rekindle something with her ex and that this was her way not to "cheat" on me. I (stupidly - but cant change that now) asked her to promise me that during the break could she promise me that she wouldnt kiss her ex .. she said she didnt know what was going to happen but she was not planning on doing anything - she needed to work it out for herself. I did tell her that she is sending out warning signs to me that she has to take this time to weigh up her options but by not picking me straight off was hurtful to me.

I ended that call again saying that its up to her and she has to make a decision what she wants for herself to be happy .. whether that be me or her ex.

Thoughts? Think I should pursue her or leave her be?

Wibbs

I'd say leave her be for the moment. She's a very short time out of this long relationship. Her head's all over the place and it could go either way. You could be rebound guy, escape guy or true love guy, but you won't know until she figures this out for herself.

Colonel_McCoy

Leave it alone, sounds like she was on the rebound. She was probabbly not fully over her ex when she started to see you. I think you have to stand back and wait.

third wheel

I'm in the same place you are OP. I posted a thread here about three weeks ago about the girlfriend still not over her ex. I know it is a crap place to be but give her some space and maybe send a text in a day or two to let her know that you are thinking of her.

Good luck.

LegacyUser

third wheel wrote: »

I'm in the same place you are OP. I posted a thread here about three weeks ago about the girlfriend still not over her ex. I know it is a crap place to be but give her some space and maybe send a text in a day or two to let her know that you are thinking of her.

Good luck.

Certainly not an enviable situation to be in - and feeling a little out of control with it. My main worry is that by me not pushing it with her (which was the plan), it means her ex gets free reign to do so. I guess I will see if she does really wants us to be an us through it.

Wibbs

The idea that you can push it with her is a non starter. Same for her ex. He can't push her either. OK he may lay a guilt trip on her, or even try to show her what a good thing they had was, but nothing you can do will make her change her mind. Indeed pushing her will push her away, or at best get her to come back to you for a short period of time. Then you will be a rebound. I've even seen couples where the guy was a rebound and she went back to the previous ex a year later. Why? Because she hadn't moved on from the ex, only escaped to the rebound.

Let her go and make her own mind up. Move forward with your own life and if she wants you back she'll find you and go back.

steamjetjoe

OP, Wake up and smell the coffee. If she has to think about who she wants to be with then that suggests that YOU aint her Mr right and never will be. Its a big world out there, go and enjoy & stop wasting your time on someone who thinks its ok to put you into a score card system;)

Wibbs

Pretty much. If someone can't choose between two people they don't like either of them enough.

BankMan

Sorry to say it pal, based on what you've said, It's hard to see this ending well for you. I'd echo previous advice, get out there and enjoy yourself- hopefully you'll be over it in no time. Best of luck

scano_ie

I would have to agree it just isn't going to end up good for anyone really I predict that she will get back with her ex but it won't last as once a break has been formed you can never cover it up but as for you and her all I can see is that she will consider you as a rebound guy and to be honest can't see it happening for you either sorry

MagicMarker

Why are you letting her make the decisions here?

Have some self respect! If a girl even mentioned something like this to me, there's no chance in hell i would continue the conversation. I'd just say, here, i'm not part of a pick 'n' mix, **** off back to your ex and don't be wasting my time!... But hey, that's just me:)

This is a lesson for the future, for such a young girl, just out of a 6 year relationship (a ''first love'' relationship at that), it was just crazy to think that you were anything BUT the rebound.

My advice is to not delay the inevitable, and tell her it's over, before she does.

Wibbs

MagicMarker wrote: »

This is a lesson for the future, for such a young girl, just out of a 6 year relationship (a ''first love'' relationship at that), it was just crazy to think that you were anything BUT the rebound.

I'd have to agree with that. In my experience those kind of relationships are in the majority of cases rebounds. Sure they may be great for a while, but the comparisons start in sooner or later, or as I said you will become the escape, the safety net or in between boyfriend.

Cue her contacting her ex a few months down the line or meeting someone entirely new that has no connection to the first love. Maybe that's why these things turn into rebounds. You met her when she was with the ex and she left him for you, so in a way he'll always be in the background. Quadruple that for "first loves".

Put it this way, I would have a guideline for myself, never to get involved with someone who left someone else for me, or has just come out of a serious long termer without breathing space in the middle. If it's a non serious flingette fine, but thinking of a future? Nope. Sure it can be fine and fun for a while, but the honeymoon period usually comes to a crashing halt. Put it another way, I've never seen that scenario working well.

Actually I can think of two that were ok, but they were both much older, knew what they both wanted and the previous relationships were very long term, over 8 years or more.

Queen-Mise

You are going to have to give her some time to think, as a previous poster said, you may be The Guy or the Rebound Guy.

Pick a period of time you are willing to wait a few weeks, month or so for her to think things through... And then move on - and chalk it down to experience.

Tell her your decision, how long you are going to wait, and then don't contact her anymore. Let her initiate after that.

And an additional note, may not be applicable, do not get involved in an 'don't know who to choose conversations-type'.