getting over the death of a close friend

LegacyUser

i need some advice, ive never felt so low

so, i met this girl a good few years ago on holidays. we saw each other almost every year and spent all the time together that we could and we remained in contact when not together.

so a few months ago when my dad was over there, he got the bad news that she died in a hotel room in hong kong. i was very upset at the time but there was nothing i could do, i just had to get on with life, no chance of going to the funeral and there was no one i could talk to about it.

ive just returned to the place i knew her and what ive been hearing is really upsetting, distressing, heartbreakingly depressing that i sit alone crying for periods of the day out of sorrow and quite alot of guilt.

the official story is she killed herself but its well known here that she was probably killed by her recent husband. the officials here wanted a post mortem but her family (who were paid off i guess) said they dont want it done.

a friend who had talked to her just a week before it happened said she seemed alright but said she was having problems with her husband. probably about her being unfaithful. the guilt is cause i was with her for a few weeks before when she was engaged to this guy but he was working in another country. feeling partially responsible for her death is whats crushing me, it hurts so much, theres no way i could express it.

everthing here reminds me of her and im here for another 10 days. the very hotel room im sitting in now ive stayed in with her before. i cant go anywhere or do anything without thinking about her.

ive felt suicidle before over other issues but i cant stop considering a way out.

i cant talk about this type of thing to anyone in my family and ive only briefly mentioned it to friends but i just feel so alone.

i dont know what to expect, i just wanted to get this off my chest. the guilt is undescribable, i dont know what to do. if i knew i could be with her, id have let myself go already........

Wibbs

The guilt is a natural reaction in a circumstance like this. It's part of the grieving process, especially in an unexpected loss. It doesn't make it true though and with time you will begin to see this too.

Your mind is in turmoil at this loss and is trying to figure a path through to where you can resolve this. Being surrounded by the things that remind you of her is naturally going to make that harder. Is there any way you can get home?

You do need to talk to someone though. Anyone. Ring a friend if you can't talk to family about this. Or keep talking it out here.

Ian Beale

I just had to reply to say none of this was your fault.You could never have seen this coming and you had no way of preventing it,and dont even think about suicide one life has already been lost and your friend would never have wanted you to lose yours,best thing you can do now is live your life as best you can she would have wanted that.You might wonder how does a stranger know what she would want, simple you obviously cared for each other and if it was the other way around what would you want her to do?

seahorse

The best advice I can give you is to go to group therapy for the bereaved. I had some kind of breakdown when my best friend killed herself in 2000; I didn’t take myself along to group therapy for six years and I regret that now, I really do; I should have done something about it sooner. I didn’t even go in 2002 when I was diagnosed with something called 'Abnormal Grief Reaction'. I just thought all the awful thoughts would pass, but they didn’t, until I went to group therapy.

A strange twist of fate was that I met a lovely woman at the group who was trying to work her way through having lost her partner is exactly the way I lost my friend and we are very close now, calling eachother several times a week and going out every few weeks. There were only four members in the group and we all keep in touch, even though one of us has emigrated to the other side of the world, we still all call and e-mail.

There's great strength and great healing to be found at those groups. Sharing your experiences with others who've been through exactly the same, well I just can’t say enough for it, what it has done for me has been miraculous. I've since been able to take my best friends photos out of hiding and put them back where they belong, on the mantelpiece, without bawling my eyes out every time I look at them. I've also been able to use and wear the gifts she gave me, which I'd previously flung up out of sight and had to endure emotional breakdowns every time I accidentally came across them.

If anyone had given me any advice back then I wish it had been the advice I'm giving you now, so I truly hope you'll take it. My friend and I had been the closest people in each others worlds for ten years before she died and the grief I had to deal with just felt like being hit by a truck; my sleeping pattern went right to the wall, I couldn’t sleep till 5.30 and 6.00am night after night even though I had to get up at 7.30 to get my child to school. This went on for months and months and months; panic attacks, morose thoughts, severe concentration loss, it was a fcuking nightmare. How I got through the first couple of years of college I will never know and by the time I got diagnosed with AGR I was just glad someone out there had a name for what was happening to me cause I was getting ready to self-diagnose and just call myself fcukin crazy, but I'm ok now, so I know that you can heal from this and move on, but not without personal effort.

I know you're abroad right now, but if you live in Dublin just drop me a pm and I'll give you the contact details for the group I attended. If not just do an internet search for a group in your area. Honest to God, it's the very best thing you could do for yourself; it's the ONLY way out, in my experience. I wish you all the best and I'm really sorry you're hurting so much right now. {{hugs}}

[Jackass]

Hi OP, I just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through and it must be so difficult for you.

But the most important thing you need to know is that nothing you have ever done is reason for somebody to die. Life can be cruel at times and there are bad people out there such as this man if he did kill her.

You can't be held accountable for someones actions just by living your life, you are not to blame in anyway and you should work on accepting that.

The world can be a messed up place at times, but just try and stay positive and celebrate all the great times you had with her and how lucky you are to have known her.