Social Anxiety, Zero confidence... What to do?!

LegacyUser

Hello,
I know this is quite a common problem but lately i've been really sick of it as its starting to majorly interfere with my lifestyle. I've got this social anxiety that doesn't let me function properly around people or in social situations. I find it extremely tough to speak to people and nearly impossible to hold conversations n get along with anyone.

It was mostly cuz of this that i've lost most of my friends in college. I've ended up becoming a loner and i really really want to get out of this. But i just don't know what to do. If i ever speak to anyone its just a "hey, hows it going?" thing which lasts 5secs n thats it. I can't go any further from that with anyone. Most of the times i can't even seem to find the courage to say the "hi" and i find myself avoiding social situations and interactions with people i know, just so that i won't have to make myself to speak to them. Like if i see someone i know on the street, i get all kind of nervous and i just move to the other side of the street so that i won't have to interact with him n speak to him or end up doing something embarrassing and i do feel extremely embarrassed after speaking to someone n when i feel i didn't handle it properly. I feel like an absolute jerk or a freak or a weirdo.

I can't go on with this anymore. I have spoken to my counselor about this and he told me a few things i can do but it doesn't really seem to work. Even sorta worked out that i was this way cuz of my extremely low confidence level. I started to go out everyday to keep myself around people and meet up with the couple of friends i know occasionally. But i don't know how much it has helped me (though it is much better than staying isolated at home), i still can't see much improvement in me. I still avoid speaking to people around me that i vaguely know, if i do, its just the little "hi" and i run away to save myself some embarrassment. I have decided to get over this attitude of mine by the end of summer cuz i'm absolutely sick of it. But i just can't seem to find the confidence to get anywhere. I can't find the courage to join a club or go to the boards beers thingy. I just absolutely dread having to meet or interact with new people.

So can anyone tell me anything or give me any tips on how i can improve my state and gain more confidence to become more sociable with people?? Cause i really really really wanna get out of this state as soon as i possible can. I am starting to get a little desperate here.

Happy Monday

CBT is the best way to go with this.
Take your time and set goals over several months.
Combine these techniques with self esteem tapes and discs.
Maybe some hypnotherapy.
Be kind on yourself and make overcoming this thing as your no 1 life priority.
Good luck!!

Pen1987

I dont know what CBT is. Tell me please.

What do you do for fun OP? You play computer games or whatever?

Set yourself aims for every day. Once you acheive that aim then take it up a notch to level 2... 3 4 5... etc...

Start when youre shopping, because the staff HAVE to be nice to you, they must be chatty and affable with customers so you cant really go wrong. Force yourself to open up every single shop worker every single time you buy anything, no matter if youre buying a lollipop or a rolex... if you make a fool of yourself then so what? If the conversation stunts then just say 'thanks, I'll just look around a bit more'... or 'thanks, Ive got to go' and boom, move on to the next one. Eventually you'll get better with practice, like you do with most things you do for fun...

Happy Monday

CBT is cognitive behaviour therapy.

It's designed to show you that when feeling anxiety you are in fact repeating learned modes of behaviours which result from learned forms of thinking.

This is true - I have suffered from social anxiety for years.
Much of it was based on this form of thinking and repeating this thinking kept it coming - what else would you expect?

Believe me - change your thinking - influence your conscious an subconscious with postivity - build your self esteem - and you will feel much more self assurance and confidence in these situations.

The key here is that social anxiety is caused by OUR thoughts not by anyone else.

sunnyside

Social skills and chatting to people is one of the few things I'm really good at so I had to reply.

I love the suggestion about chatting to shop assistants, excellent idea.

I would recommend watching people who are good at making conversation and copying what they do.

Smile a lot, body language is meant to be more important than the words you use.

Don't ask personal questions, if you read the papers and watch the news you'll be informed about what's going on so you could chat about the main news story of the day.

Avoid practicing on people who are as shy as yourself.

Pen1987

sunnyside wrote: »

Smile a lot, body language is meant to be more important than the words you use.

Don't ask personal questions, if you read the papers and watch the news you'll be informed about what's going on so you could chat about the main news story of the day.

Avoid practicing on people who are as shy as yourself.

Just a quick word on this...


I dont agree with avoiding practicing on other shy people. Fook that jazz... practitce on EVERYBODY, if you give yourself a reason to 'bottle out' or a conversation you will start using that excuse for every single conversation and fooling yourself into beleiving that everyone is shy.

Dont avoid asking personal questions, sharing part of yourself with others is what connects people, I ask more personal questions than bland boring 'so the weather is terrible isnt it' questions and find its far easier to connect with someone when you do... Obviously questions like 'so how many sexual partners have you had? Oh 50+ really... you must really love the cock?' is completely off the cards but personal questions like 'where do you work?...*BLAH* Enjoy it? *BLAH* How long you been there? *BLAH* You must get some weird customers? *BLAH* Oh yeah I did a job like that before and I used to get absolute nutcases coming in, there was this one fella who used to always come in and he used to... etc etc...' and thats basically a full five minute conversation where youve both found common ground and connected with the *former* stranger and probably during the course of that story youve opened up other topics that would lead on to a continued conversation.
I'd start with a hello to a shop assistant, then make a comment on them or the shop... 'wow, you look seriously busy in here' (if the place is empty)... they comment on the remark, you answer with 'do you not get bored?'... blah blah, a nice little chat and you leave. Step one. If the conversation goes stale hen you just leave and go to the next shop... whats the worse that could happen?

Body Language, head up, eye contact, arms not crossed, shoulders back and smile a little (not a big manic grin)

MJOR

I feel for you I had a good friend of mine in the same boat.

I think CBT may be helpful in this instance because really you're probably a great guy and just need help and you probably feel helpless!

My friend always thought that people disliked them and thought they'd nothing interesting or of any value to say..

This is never the case! It'll help to take small steps you notice a big difference over time.

Good luck!

RubyXI

Same boat OP. Except i havent had the confidence to get to a counciller. I know it makes sense to go but im sure u understand that theres something unexplained in me that stops me. I dont have any answers but if u wanna chat pm me.

JuliusCaesar

phi3 wrote: »

Except i havent had the confidence to get to a counciller. I know it makes sense to go but im sure u understand that theres something unexplained in me that stops me.QUOTE]


Gillian Butler - Overcoming Social Anxiety (Robinsons publisher)
explains CBT treatment of anxiety which you can use as a self-help book. Any good bookshop or library will have it.

Otherwise www.babcp.com - Find a Therapist - Republic of Irelnand or www.psychotherapy-ireland.ie lists free HSE CBT therapists.

RubyXI

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

phi3 wrote: »

Except i havent had the confidence to get to a counciller. I know it makes sense to go but im sure u understand that theres something unexplained in me that stops me.QUOTE]


Gillian Butler - Overcoming Social Anxiety (Robinsons publisher)
explains CBT treatment of anxiety which you can use as a self-help book. Any good bookshop or library will have it.

Otherwise www.babcp.com - Find a Therapist - Republic of Irelnand or www.psychotherapy-ireland.ie lists free HSE CBT therapists.

Have the book already. Working my way through it when i get time.

LegacyUser

OP, are you on SSRI's at the moment? If not you might want to talk to your doctor about it. But don't that the decision to take these lightly, they cause all sorts of unneeded side effects with some people. Personally I hate them ... but some people swear by them.

I use Beta BLockers (very safe!) to kill the 'fight or flight' feelings when I need to go to
a meeting or other potentially heated or stressful situation that makes me feel panicky.
Benzo's are also another solution but these can be addictive if they're not used responsibly. But believe when I say they work seriously well in relaxing you for social situations.

Personally, I think the best way to approach this is forcing yourself into uncomfortable experiences and learning in the field.

There's a weekend course you can do in London where you get trained in these sort of things and the instructers put you through 16 random tasks whilst dealing with random people and the public in general. The idea is to throw in the deep end and at the end of it. I garuantee your confidence will come on in leaps and bounds. Success breads confidence p.m me if you want to know more about it.

ramtha

mr.social, I thought you were talking about me!! I've been(am) the same as you and have tried so many approaches to riding myself of this affliction.Holysync(brain meditation cds),past life releases,courses,self-help,medication etc. etc. and I think your problem is that in the myers-brigs personality test,you are likely to be something like me INFJ or something similar. basically a high scoring introvert. Your never going to be like outgoing bubbly people but if you do some research on what personality type you are,you can find the blessings in who you are and learn to like(and even love:p ) being you. Also the unconscious mind is responsible for lots of fears,shortcomings etc..and the benefits of reprogramming can be immense. I've tried lots but like the zapper products from www.dicksutphen.com the best and to be honest they have saved my ass and helped me to function to a fairly normal social standard the last few months. There are many themes on there ,and the happiness one works best for me as it also deals with dealing with challenging life situations,having a positive attitude and being confident. And lastly ,many people focus on what they don't want. Poisen. never focus on not getting anxious. focus on being calm. Your mind only see's pictures.

ramtha

and excerise. running or something that exerts you. I've been running for a few years now and I 'm no Lynford Christie but it can keep you positive and healthy.

LegacyUser

I would highly recommend a book called mind over mood. Well worth a read.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Over-Mood-Change-Changing/dp/0898621283/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1216062459&sr=8-1

Also whats already been said about exercise. Its not easy at first to be motivated to exercise but if you force yourself to keep it up you'll quickly notice the physical and mental improvements.

I would also suggest taking some good quality EPA rich fish oils.

I'm also struggling with similar problems to yourself and since doing each of these things have improved greatly. Take one day at a time and set goals for yourself. Its a long road but will be worth it.

kittycati

Well done for going to talk to a professional about this. Amazingly common. Also, maybe try your GP if you have'nt already. Beta blockers are very good for social anxiety etc.... or xanex in very small doses together with talking to a professional.

ramtha

The professionals are all a joke. They tried to put me on meds for it a few years ago. feckin' morons. They haven't a clue how the human psyche works.In my own case I wish someone had recommended the things that I've recommened to you some years ago.Theres no guarantee, hypnosis will work for you but I bet it will free you from your prision.I really do.I hate recommending any self-growth paths to people but I've tried so many and hung around forums for so long where other screwd up people tried many things too and using a form of reprogramming is most definately the way to go imo.There are many types on the market,sublimal,subliminals that flash on your pc,videos,zappers! etc..
In my opinion,EVERYBODY should be reprogramming themself to some degree or other. We are being programmed every day by television,peers,family etc.. The power of the subconscious mind is truly awesome and its neglected through fear and ignorance. Don't take meds. You'll just end up fat and sad. Find a way. I did and I am and I AM SO GLAD I NEVER GAVE MY POWER TO SOME FAT BONE LAZY GP OF A BITCH THAT DIDN'T GIVE A **** WHO I BECAME.LOL..I love ranting please forgive me! but in all seriousness ,try my suggestions if you feel so inclined. Just one word of caution.When I Started reprogramming,I wanted confidence baybee,at all costs but found that the confidence hypnosis was making me a bit too confident. So,thats why I use the happinness one for now. I'm not trying to be some butch badboy.I'm just me with some confidence,rather than confidence with me,if you get my drift.Everyones different and maybe you need a self esteem cd,a zen cd,or an anti anxietycd or maybe a confidence cd!
Anyway,best of luck on your path buddy. It can certainly be a lonely one but perhaps a worthwhile one if you keep sticking by yourself and find a blessing in your struggle.

LegacyUser

ramtha wrote: »

So,thats why I use the happinness one for now. I'm not trying to be some butch badboy.I'm just me with some confidence,rather than confidence with me,if you get my drift.Everyones different and maybe you need a self esteem cd,a zen cd,or an anti anxietycd or maybe a confidence cd!

Where does one get this confidence cd? I'd be very interested in getting one.

sunnyside

A bookshop like Easons would probably have a few on the same shelf as the self-help books or ebay, there should be loads of good ones on there.

ramtha

I just wanted to add that a psychic lady, I know has passed on to me "psychically,your intuition is getting very strong." And I just thought I would put it on this thread in case anyone is going to buy the zapper cds. Its not an aspect of me I want to develop,at this moment in time and feel its definately more likely to be getting stronger due to doing past life releases rather than any hypnosis products but just thought I would put it up in case they are contributing to the development of that aspect of myself. If anyone is thinking of buying them please talk to the people that sell them ,do your own research and draw your own conclusions. As,I said earlier on,I hate passing on recomendations to anyone but could just see a lot of myself in the guy that started the topic so felt compelled to share what I was doing to free myself . Thanks.