Why does she insist on Torturing me?

LegacyUser

I'm looking for a bit of advice.

I am a single father, my son lives a large distance away from me, I have always had trouble with his mother from day one. I am paying maintenance and have an access order to see my son alot but lately she is refusing to let me see him.
The current reason is that I will not give her my new address(not even a week i nthe new house but this is going on weeks), there is a reason for this. She basically harrasses me on phone/email/letters to my job demanding more money etc from me.
Now I have no problem providing for my child but the problem is this girl wants the money for herself. The first time we were in court over maintenance she told the judge she was spending over €80 a week on nappies (the judge asked how this was possible when I had receipts to proove I bought them every second week for her). When the figure she requested from me was announced the judge realised this was the exact amount to pay for her car, insurance and tax per week and set an amount up and I have paid ever since.

She claims that it costs over €200 a week on shopping for her and my son.
My son is not a big eater, when he is with me he only wants Toast for his breakfast, maybe some cerial a little while later aswell. For lunch he decides on what he gets and its normally nothing in large quantities and he has his big meal for dinner then something light before bed. Currently he is in a creche and is fed all meals he needs in a day so how her shopping bill is that high I will never know because my son isn't having food there bar the odd snack.

She decided to work fulltime and because of this she has nobody to mind the child bar a creche which is over €200 a week. My family have always been fantastic in minding him and she burned all her bridges with them, she promised to pay my sister to mind him fulltime for a month and I ended up having to pay my sister because she didn't give her a penny. Now she had a part time cash in hand job where she was home at 2pm every day yet she sent my son to creche or a friends house until 7 in the evenings when she would collect him, give him dinner and send him to bed. She was earning very good money between social welfare, me and work that and yet she still demanded more from me. I paid for all his friends presants when he went to parties, paid for all after school activities, paid most of his school fees etc to the point where I have had to take out loans to keep my head above water.

I have offered to give her more money but because of how high her demands are its impossible to reach a comprimise without literally bankrupting myself so its not as if I am being unreasonable. As it stands with all payments being made to her she earns a far larger amount than me a year.

A few weeks ago I went to collect my son and she refused to let him come with me. She rang the gardai and told them I had assaulted her and she needed protection. I didn't touch her and went to the gardai to find out what I could do about the access order and her refusing me access to my child and the gaurds told me that she rang them only a short time earlier. Since then I haven't seen my son at all and its eating me up inside and I have been stressing myself to the point of making myself sick over the past few weeks.

I have spoken to the courts and a solicitor who have told me she doesn't need my address as I collect him and drop him home (Even thought its in the court order that she must do this 50% of the time she doesn't as its my fault I moved home) yet she is still insisting that she will not let me see my son until I give her the address. I don't want to give it to her as she will continue to harrass me even more than she does now and its for my own sanity and health I am doing this.

What can/should I do?

brokensoul

Get to your local courthouse and request a court date on the basis that she is refusing access. You can do it yourself, you dont need a solicitor to do it for you.

You will need to put your address on it though, which will kinda be self defeating if you dont want her to get your address.

LegacyUser

brokensoul wrote: »

Get to your local courthouse and request a court date on the basis that she is refusing access. You can do it yourself, you dont need a solicitor to do it for you.

You will need to put your address on it though, which will kinda be self defeating if you dont want her to get your address.

The courts have told me they will black out my address on all correspondance with her unless a judge demands I give her the address which won't happen unless she is to collect and drop my son off to me.

WilmaRidesAgain

Jebus, OP -Document everything for a start, everything.

I think you will need to start playing hardball with this lowlife, or get fathers for justice after her!

Grrr ! :mad:

Kold

See a lawyer. She is being completely unreasonable.

LegacyUser

WilmaRidesAgain wrote: »

Jebus, OP -Document everything for a start, everything.

I think you will need to start playing hardball with this lowlife, or get fathers for justice after her!

Grrr ! :mad:

Everything is documented and I have played hardball with her.

I used that group for advice when I first went to court only for them to tell me I was being unreasonable to look for access every week to my son and they dishartened me alot rather than help me.
I went to court and got my access every week with solicitors and I am always in contact with my solicitor about this matter.
It sickens me so much, I was talking to my son the other night and he started crying down the phone to me looking to know when he was going to see it. Its eating me up inside to the point that I wanted to give her my address but I know it will only cause more issues for me in the future but my son is my no. 1 priority.

jon1981

:mad: it is such a petty thing when women use their children as a weapon against their former partner. its the lowest of the low especially when the father is doing the right thing. document everything, keep al receipts and get right of access by the law and there will be nothing she can do. if she insists on sending nasty letters keep them, show them to the judge

kmick

Just give her the address. Its worth it to see your son. An idea might be to get a friend to screen the mail for you. He can give you anyhting of importance and dump the rest. Do you have a buddy who could do that for you?

WilmaRidesAgain

OP, Im really at a loss as to what to tell you, the law is such an ass as far as fathers rights in this country go.....

Surely there must be other men out there who have been through this and won..... with some worthwhile experience to share....?

I do wish you luck......keep on playing hardball with her, dont let up, if she tries to disallow you pre-arranged access at the last minute can you call the guards, I know it might seem ott to them but what other choice do you have....

I dunno it seems ok for her to do it and even make up false allegations of physical attack....if that gets thrown out can she be done for wasting police time or defamation or whatever....

paperclip2

Hi Op,

My heart goes out to you. That is such a desperate situation to be put in. I don't know if its any use but would getting a PO box number be of any use? She would have a way of sending stuff to you but wouldn't actually have your address. Though from what you have said it sounds like she has a specific agenda in wanting to know exactly where you live.

I hope things get better for you and your little boy soon OP. As for your ex, well, hopefully what goes around comes around.

Good luck.

dade

kmick wrote: »

Just give her the address. Its worth it to see your son. An idea might be to get a friend to screen the mail for you. He can give you anyhting of importance and dump the rest. Do you have a buddy who could do that for you?

give her the address as it makes it easier yeah, but screen the mail? no way. start a separate case against her for harassment using said emails and letters as proof of same. that's what I'd do.

also you have a court order giving you access rights. when ever she refuses access take a trip to the local Gardai and make a formal complaint just so it's documented. have a copy of the court order if possible. now this may not actually get you access at this time, BUT you now have an official record of her refusal, coz you'd be damn sure that if you didn't take the child when you where suppose to or pay up when you are supposed to she' be onto them about you.

Friend of mine is in a similar situation where the ex is a complete nut job, the situation is reversed in that he has custody of their child and she is suppose to take him every second weekend. almost every time he drops the young lad off within an hour he's back in the car to pick the kid up. so he calls the police every time it happens, the local Gardai know of it and have no problem documenting it for him and providing a report the last two times he's been in court.


Edit:
Jaysus I just reread the OP about the alleged assault. i could swear you're my mate coz the same thing happened to him about a year ago. basically he got a cab to her place (out drinking) when she called and said she "couldn't cope" with the child. when he got there she ranted and raved about him assaulting her. taxi drive saw it all and drove straight to the station with my mate to give a witness state met before she could say she was assaulted

RedXIV

Demand reciepts for everything and try a re-route of the child maintance scheme. Can't remember where i read it, so it might not apply in this country but i do remember reading about a guy who paided his childmaintance through the receipts that were presented. that way you know where the money is going, you have legal proof of whats happening and you can rubbish any claims she makes.

Feel for ya OP, you sound like a top bloke, wish ya all the best in this

seahorse

I also think you should go legal with this. I dont think that you can or should keep your address to yourself though; I dont think it's reasonable to expect that she'll let you take the child while she's no idea where he is. Of course she's being far from reasonable herself, but that you can iron out in court. I doubt that the court would agree that she ought not know where her child is being taken, so I'd forget that idea if I were you. Good luck with it all.

Nevyn

I am sorry that you are having this much hassle with her but in all honestly I would wnt the adress of where my child was staying.

pookie82

Tell her that if she doesn't grant you access to your son you'll rat on her handy cash-in-hand number. She'll get into trouble with welfare if she's working off the books and receiving welfare and maintenance from you. If she's leaving your son to a minder everyday until 7 anyway, making her get a full time job that she declares won't harm him. you need to start hitting where it hurts (not literally though).

And I would visit the guards until they're sick of looking at you, every time she refuses you access. it'll come in handy on your next court visit.

hockeygirl

I seriously recommend you post here:

http://www.rollercoaster.ie/boards/forum.asp?GroupID=40&forumdb=3

everyone who is on this site is going through the same thing as you, my brother found it a great help and got brilliant advise from other dads who have gone through the same thing.

There doesnt seem to be a board here dedicated to this sort of this separation/divorce/single parents and probs etc

I think this should be set up here for definate

LegacyUser

omg this is nearly the same as my uncles situation.. the mother has him paying loads of money to them which she really exagurated how much they need and he doesnt exactly have that much like, she told the children a load of lies about him to turn them against him.. she would arrange for him to collect them, which was a 6hour journey each way, and then cancel an hour before he was due to collect them so he would have to turn right back around.. then she decided this wasnt enough, she left the country with them and they are now living abroad without even telling him.. its only by chance he found out.. shes not working as 'she cant with her back' so he is paying to support her too.. she is refusing to give an address in case my uncle tries to find them or take legal action.. she eventually gave in and gave him a phone number which turned out to be fake.. my uncle is a complete wreck because of all the stress this is bringing him..

why is he being denied seeing his children and still having to pay an outragous amount of money to the mother?? because the irish system for dealing with these things is completely ****ed up..

OP while you still have the patience and time take legal action before its too late!! you deserve to spend time with your son after all hes as much yours as he is hers!!

LegacyUser

Well,

I got to see him after much cr@p yesterday. I was getting texts and phone calls not to bother unless I gave my address. I rang the gardai and asked their advice. Basically I was told only if the child is in danger can they get involved in a civil case but this guard knew me from a case where she( the childs mother) accused me of harrasment but when the gaurd was on the phone telling me to stop she rang me on my other phone screaming abuse down the phone at me, needless to say the guard rang her and told her to stop harrassing me. But back to what I was saying, the guard told me to follow the advice of my solicitor which was to not give out my address, he took my address and if there was any problem where the child was being held captive by me the gardai have my address.

I tried explaining this to the childs mother but got nowhere for a good while and eventually she gave in. I was delighted to see him and he is with me at the moment. He was also telling me that his mother was telling him that his grandmother attacked her and told her she was not taking care of him. I know my mother didn't say anything like that to her so I just told my son that everything will work out and hopefully it will all be better soon.

I have another appointment with my solicitor next week or the week after and there is lots to discuss. Like how this woman has now secured a mortage on her own to the value of around €270,000+ when she is only employed full time the few months and the job isn't guaranteed permanent. Her current partner is on the Dole and will stay like that for the forseeable future. I must be giving her far too much money if she can get a mortage and I can't!

Thanks for all the advice and I really hope everything get sorted out once and for all now.

LegacyUser

Know how u if feel and wish u strength.. My sitution same. Loss job,signed on dole and court set ridiculous figure of 300euro a week. Dole was 198e. I appealed and judge would not change it. I pay 140e thru good family support as I feel for my kids. But women with deep hatred know no bounds. She worked on 13 year old to turn her against me. Then in turn, turned 10 yr old daughter against me. Simple things like Granny had to buy you a bed when you married, you could not even do that'. Yet my chinese boss gave us wedding present of 2000pound. Things are slanted with true lies and no balance.

My o/s maintenence is hung over till final court date and things have dragged on like this for months.- I worry about enforcement side of that. She threatens enforcement often. So I feel trapped and helpless on gaining access to kids now. It would be the same judge I'd go before if I try to vary again. The same judge who's own wife (I know he knows) I went out with before him !
The sadest part now is seeing the oldest child work dilligently in front of me, on my 10 year old and on behalf of the mother, to degrade me and to wipe out the remaining open love she showed me up to 8 weeks ago -the last time I got access.
I want to believe in ' they will come back in a few years ' syndrome and I will start out on that route,following the birthday/xmas, but not to a futile point.- signed: heart broken but will fight on.