Do I want what I can't have???

bloNdie1

Right.. where do I start.. Probably at the beginning.. here goes!

I work with this guy in an office, Ive been working there 2 years now and he's there bout 7/8. He's 30. Im 20. (Looks doomed already doesnt it!)
First time I saw him, I wanted to get to know him.. He's not particularly good looking or suave, just really average. Not a huge amount going for him-still lives at home. But there was something about him..
Anyways, we first hooked up about a year ago. I have to say it was made clear to me even at that stage that he didnt want a relationship. So on it went up until recently.. a few drinks after work..and given how one thing leads to another, we ended up in the odd hotel room. Things never really got awkward in work but that was all it was. A occasional drunken shag and back to normality come Monday.
This suited me grand until feelings got in the way. I was falling for him. He still said he didnt want a relationship and but we still took things up a notch and went on a few dates, different shows, cinema, drives, the usual. Needless to say my feelings didnt go away. I was mad about him. But I had no idea, and still dont, about how he feels about me.
So not so long ago, I got fed up of the odd date, mostly organised by me I might add, and we went for a drink to have a chat about where all of this was going. We talked and he said that he would like to make a go of it with me and we would see more of each other. He seemed really genuine and was really enthusiastic! I was chuffed!! Over the moon! I didnt see him that weekend but the next week we went for another drink. Within a week he completely changed his mind. He said "maybe I am afraid of commitment" and he didnt want a relationship after all. I suggested we take things slow, maybe go back to the way we were but no-he wanted it all to end there. I wasnt so chuffed then but what could I do but accept it.
So here I am. Im absolutly crazy about this guy, my friends dont see why at all but im mad about him. Im always thinking about him and it would kill me to see him with somone else.We are still amicable in work but I wish he would have given things a chance. I should add that he has never actually had a proper relationship, as in a "serious girlfriend" or ever brought a girl home to meet mammy. (Does anyone else find that odd for an outgoing 30 yr old?!)
So do you guys reckon im wasting my feelings on a lost cause here? Everyone says to forget bout him but its proving to be a lot harder than it looks. Everytime I see him i get butterflies in my stomach and wonder what he's thinking.. And im annoyed at myself for feeling that way but i cant help it! Any advice would be greatly apreciated, even it is to build a bridge! Cheers lads

RedXIV

I'm not gonna lie here lass, you cannot change this guy if he doesn't want to be changed. While most 30yr old men would probably be delighted to get into a relationship with a 20yr old woman, this guy appears to just want no ties.

If you do want to push the relationship idea, you need to cut off all the casual sex and fun. Show him it's either all or nothing.

Best of luck OP

Red

MagicMarker

Why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?

It seems he has deeper issues than commitment, no serious relationships ever? I don't think that's particularly healthy for a 30 year old if it's by choice.

Sounds like he is more scared of stepping on Mammies toes.
Run. Run like the wind!

STUBBORNGIRL

MagicMarker wrote: »

Why would he buy the cow when he can get the milk for free?

It seems he has deeper issues than commitment, no serious relationships ever? I don't think that's particularly healthy for a 30 year old if it's by choice.

Ah Magic Marker deeper issues just because he has had no serious relationships - i dont agree with that!

He is probably just happy playing the field and doesnt feel like he wants to be tied down just yet! I know loads of guys like that! Yeah bastards but they will admit it!

However Op that would be fine if it wasnt messing around with your feelings and it is and he knows you wanted a relationship and he led you right along just to keep the sex i reckon but frankly i would see this guy for what he is - a player - he will, eventually in time to come, meet the girl who changes all that but i think right now the timing is wrong and the woman is wrong! (god i hope that doesnt offend you)

I say this so many times to my friends (and myself ) Stop wasting your time on wasters like this and go out and meet the nice guy that you deserve to meet - but believe me you aint going to meet him while you are caught up in this guy! And fair play to both of you for being able to work together and not let it interfere ...I couldnt do that!

Good luck with it all - it will all work out in the end!

MJOR

You two on on different pages of your lives. I dated a guy ten years older and it judt didn't work. Not saying age gaps don't but not at the age you are....

He sounds like he's treating you like a toddler treats a rattle or a six year old a game boy... picks you up when he wants some light entertainment.
I'm not trying to be mean just realistic...

Drop him like a hot potatoe he doesn't deserve you

bloNdie1

STUBBORNGIRL wrote: »

Ah Magic Marker deeper issues just because he has had no serious relationships - i dont agree with that!

He is probably just happy playing the field and doesnt feel like he wants to be tied down just yet! I know loads of guys like that! Yeah bastards but they will admit it!

Ah.. see here's the thing - he isnt a player. I know that sounds crazy but i know for a fact im the only girl he's been with in the last 2 years.. probably longer actually. How do I know this? Well we have the same circle of friends in work. And all the girls treat him as a brotherly type rather than a potential boyfriend. Even at home, the majority of his friends are lads. As as example, he was "bridesmaid" at a friends wedding once!! (Without the dress!)
Even the people in work that know him 7/8 years say im the only girl he's been out with in work, and he's never spoken of a girl outside work either.. Ive often thought that maybe something that happened in the past has scarred him a little and made him anxious about getting seriously involved with someone. Maybe its fear of the unknown?? But he'd never know unless he gave it a try which at the moment he is refusing to do...

STUBBORNGIRL

bloNdie1 wrote: »

Ah.. see here's the thing - he isnt a player. I know that sounds crazy but i know for a fact im the only girl he's been with in the last 2 years.. probably longer actually. How do I know this? Well we have the same circle of friends in work. And all the girls treat him as a brotherly type rather than a potential boyfriend. Even at home, the majority of his friends are lads. As as example, he was "bridesmaid" at a friends wedding once!! (Without the dress!)
Even the people in work that know him 7/8 years say im the only girl he's been out with in work, and he's never spoken of a girl outside work either.. Ive often thought that maybe something that happened in the past has scarred him a little and made him anxious about getting seriously involved with someone. Maybe its fear of the unknown?? But he'd never know unless he gave it a try which at the moment he is refusing to do...

Apologies Blondie1 - Well im dumbfounded cause usually guys who arent into relationships are the ones that want to play the field and dont want to be tied down. Maybe he is unsure of his feelings for you and is afraid to hurt you if you do begin a relationship together! or Maybe he thinks you are too young for him - God i could be here all night throwing out reasons.

To be honest you need to ask him why one week he is telling you that he wants to start a relationship with you and the next he is saying forget it! ask him to tell you right out that you have come this far with him that you deserve a reason!

Dont come across as too needy though cause that is the biggest turn off in a guys view! you will just have to accept it and at least look like you are getting on with your life! you never know he may wake up some mornign and finally smell the coffee and realise it is you he wants!But until that fairytale ending can i suggest that you make the most of every day by having fun and just getting on with things?

Good luck though as there is no worse feeling than pining for someone you know you cant have - been there too many times but you do get over it and someone else comes along to take away the pain.:o

chickenhawk

I can see from your posts that no matter what people say you will not walk away. I'm not saying that is wrong or right but you do need to take sex off the table. At the moment you are just a booty call. He will change his opinion of you after a week if you make it clear to him that you will not be used. It is better to know good or bad what he really thinks.

On another note don't be worried that he hasn't brought people home (although living at home at thirty imo is a bit weird) he might just not want the hassle of his parents questioning him etc.

SnowMonkey

Honestly he soaunds like he could be bisexual or something.

OP I know, how you feel. as ive been made about many a woman ive meet and thaught she was the end all and be all and its never the case theres allways someone even more mazeing then the last one which i kinda look forward to now a days its like I meet an amazeing girl things dont work out I meet an even a more amazeing girl and so on a so forth. so it know
well maybe its time you meet someone new to think about.

i think the problem with rejectioin is, that when people get rejected we have no one knew to think about and we soley concintrate about that one person.. if your uncomfortable with the men you meet out on anight out, noteably the word sleazey comes to mind when im in pubs with there d2 shirts and brown leather shoes and being all cool with there mate beside them in order to chat women and you enjoy that well then go have osme fun...and if thats not your bag

Try Using online dating...
start a new hoobie where you can meet new people
Dont say hes what i want because You sound like you could do better...
Why limit your self to just one man at the age of 20s your only starting to know your self get out there meet some new men to start thinking about:)
insted of grabing on to whats nearist yet so far away. from what youve said..

You sound like a top chick to dont let it get to you.....

Chicken Hawk she is a little young and i think when where in that situation no matter hat people say to us we dont listen.... Hell i can even say it .. But hankfully Ive gottin a littl hairyer and well half a wisdom tooth ...

How Strange

OP, I'm sorry to hurt your feelings but he's just not that into you. End of.
You're not the one, you're not even the one right now. You're a casual shag after a few drinks or a date. He clearly doesn't want to take it any further.
Unfortunately, you can look like a bunny boiler with very low self esteem and keep pursuing him and shagging him but it's not going to propel the situation into a conventional relationship.

I've known a few guys like that. There were questions about their sexuality etc because they were great friends with the girls and slept with them etc etc etc but wouldn't take it any further.

In most cases they had no problems getting into a relationship once their Ms Right came along.

Continue to chase him and psychoanalyse him all you want but when he meets the right girl he'll get his sh1t sorted double quick.

rescue26

Think I have to agree with Snow Monkey. Are you sure he isnt gay and afraid to admit it, even to himself. Maybe he is using you to try to convince himself he is straight. Ah hello, he was bridesmaid for one of his friends???!!!!!

bloNdie1

rescue26 wrote: »

Think I have to agree with Snow Monkey. Are you sure he isnt gay and afraid to admit it, even to himself. Maybe he is using you to try to convince himself he is straight. Ah hello, he was bridesmaid for one of his friends???!!!!!

Ya know whats really strange.. You wouldnt be the 1st person to mention him possibly being gay... Ive told my mam all about all about him, although she's never met him in person, she knows roughly whats been going on..One night she said in her very old fashioned typically mammy true dub accent, "dya know wah, i betcha any muney he's queer"!!! (Sayin "queer" for people of my mams generation is not at all offensive by the way!) But how odd is that! I have to say, all his close friends in work are girls and they mentioned the possibilty to me also... it was bugging me so one night we wer legless and i asked him out straight - are u gay? He didnt get all defensive and exaggeratedly macho like most blokes would - just said really calmly, no. I definitlely think there is something he's not telling me.. it could be just me but i think theres a little more to it..Got completly blanked today in work which is very annoying more than anythin else considering that the last time we slept together was only 2 wks ago... brain is fried so im tryin to put it out of my head over the weekend at least!