I just need to know what others think..

LegacyUser

Hi.
I welcome any advice you could give me on this topic.
Going private for this as my other half, if you could still refer to him as such, frequents the board...lets hope he isn't drawn to the "Personal Issues" section.If he is...I don't know...
I doubt it, judging by the person his morphed into in front of me...that he would care about the issues of others.

I'm in the final trimester of pregnancy and not long out of my teens,I have a small solid support system around me aside from the guy I will now refer to as my ex...who was my main man in the support system field(ex as of yesterday,I threatened him every so often with breaking up out of sheer desperation for him to realise what was at risk and yesterday he stamped his seal of approval on it after an argument the night previously...opened the door for me to leave and punctuated my exit with a "**** off" I think...that could have been a few days previous...it's all merging into one)He is only a couple of years older then me...and particularly cruel in an argument situation.I too can say things that I know will hurt.

I am looking forward to the impending new arrival, which is a bit shocking for me as I never viewed myself as maternal and this was by no means a planned event.I can't put across to you how much I wish to not **** this up...the parent business,though I hear some "****ing up"is inevitable.
Things between me and my ex have always been volatile,right from the get go but there was passion and love there to balance it out...make it seem worthwhile.
The amount of arguments during the course of my pregnancy must have beaten some kind of record.My hormones get the blame...though that is sometimes that case and I will eventually admit so and sincerely apologies for the trauma I have caused him.A lot of them are a result of him acting out of complete selfishness...utter lack of giving a damn about me.I feel like a doormat, undesired and unwanted.
We had a very infrequent sex of late, mostly his doing.Affection was replaced with taking the piss out of me and the occasional "good natured" nasty comment thrown in for good measure...a particular favourite thing to do was if I was trying to talk to him about something that was bothering me with us via a telephone, he'd have no qualms about conducting the conversation in front of others and repeating certain things that would show me in a bad light...before hanging up if I got too annoyed with his actions, forcing me to ring back and looking psychotic as a result.
When his distancing himself from me was broached, he said it was because of the way I was acting towards him...but I swear aside from being a tad on the defensive I was constantly reaching out...wanting to feel wanted.
I've been labelled controlling, when I got upset following him going to a nightclub the other night...the only reason I had the reaction I did was because for 7 hours prior to him going to the nightclub in question I didn't hear from him...having sent a text earlier and receiving no reply.His phone was dead...my texts delivered and if he thought of me he would have realised this and charged it with the charger that was in close proximity to him all throughout the day.I got the pleasure of two texts in quick succession from him that day.So yes, I'm controlling yet he would forcibly deal with unwanted male interest in the past and states that I won't be wearing short dresses with tights in a few months,as I'll be a Mammy.etc. And he can still go to gig around the country,3 day festivals and even going on a trip to America to hang out with friends of his in a popular band...it fell through,but it was planned for August...a month before I give birth.I was unreasonable for airing my disapproval for that though.The flights were free.

He is looking forward to the birth of this baby,so I know running away from responsibilities isn't to blame.It hurt a lot when he said he could still be a father without even acknowledging my existence the other night...or something to that affect.
He is just so concerned with keeping up appearances and being this cool guy...hanging out with his mates, devoting all his time and money to his work and hobbies.Leaving me to pick up baby stuff as I go.Putting me down as I "do nothing"...and have too much time to think...should "get a life" for myself.
We were due to move in with each other...this can't happen, for my own bit of self worth that remains intact, it can't.
I love him, he is a selfish bastard who will never admit his failings as a person but I love him.
I fear that in a day or two I will receive the "I love you x" text and I will go running straight back.Only to be let down by his lack of affection...<i>I can't understand the workings of his mind</i>
Despite the awful things said I can reach out...I feel like such an idiot.In a previous life I would have never stood for this, mainly as I'd always be the one keeping a boyfriend at arms length...I guess for fear of being hurt like this.

He is popular with the ladies and before meeting me fully took advantage of this, he wouldn't cheat but now that he is single the thought of him being with someone else leaves me feeling completely retched.This could easily happen and it scares me.It scares me most as I know if he did hook up with someone else I could never take him back...my mind, in that event would then jump into gear and not let me out of protecting itself.
I'm sick of bawling my eyes out to a blank stare or to an empty room having been walked away from...and sipping orange juice to balance out my cortisol levels for fear of my stress harming the baby.
I had an appointment with a psychiatrist today...which will be used as a weapon against my being in arguments..."psychotic bitch who needs to go get her head tested" I had in rescheduled as I'm so tired and don't have the will to move.I'm going due to anxiety and stress caused by this(however if you ask him, he is by no means to blame)I live by myself...my mates are young(fantastic)but away in far flung destinations or working away to fund such trips.I'm so lonely, aside from the little 'un...who deserves better then this.
Do I stick it out...go back to him if he opens lines of communication...currently shut, though I stupidly sent a text and rang him.Hope he is correct when he says things will be okay in a few months?
Apologies as regards the sheer length of this...whoever reaches the end is a saint for listening to my ramblings...which were badly constructed.
Thanks again.

MJOR

One straight answer... No i wouldn't go back. He is / has behaved appallingly and doesn't deserve you.

I find it beyond belief that he could treat the mother of his baby like this.

He should be offering you support and love.

He has degraded you by making you out to be immature and unbalanced.

For your own and the sake of your unborn baby have nothing to do with him. By all means allow him to be a father not a partner
best of luck x

silvine

Yet another leave him answer. Bear in mind this is just one side of a story from a pregnant person who admits themselves they are emotional.

Do you really think now the ideal time to making such decisions??

MJOR

silvine wrote: »

Yet another leave him answer. Bear in mind this is just one side of a story from a pregnant person who admits themselves they are emotional.

Do you really think now the ideal time to making such decisions??

I'm not a "leave him " merchant by any means.... But given the fact that he repeats what she says in front of his friends, hangs up the phone and is unaffectionate theres not a lot to base a relatinship on

Oryx

He may not be shirking his responsibilities and may seem to welcome this baby, but his actions towards you say otherwise. They scream 'dont trap me!' and it sounds like he is trying to push you away in a way that makes it your (psychotic, controlling) fault. This is wrong. What he is doing is cruel and immature.

Please try and give yourself some distance from him right now, even if it hurts and makes you feel sick with wanting. You are vulnerable right now, and you dont need him making you feel worse and pushing your buttons. Go to the others who DO support you and get through this last trimester. Take care of you and your baby first of all, and after baby arrives then take a look at your relationship with this guy again.

Ainekav

my god i feel so sorry for you.. i really think you should try and get to that psychiatrist, you dont need to carry all this alone. talk to your friends, your support system. concentrate on yourself and your child, which i realise will be difficult, but you must focus your mind on the most important thing here. he is definitely not worth you jeopardising the health of your baby over.

i suggest you cut contact with him until things are more stable ie. the baby is born. to be perfectly honest, even without strictly hearing both points of view, i believe he is not treating you well enough and his behaviour is inexcusable. he sounds selfish manipulative and nasty. only so much can be blamed on hormones and yourself. the fact that you have clearly detailed the several nasty things he has done is testament to this. the bottom line is you should not have to deal with this.

and no, i dont think you should consider going back to him. but, only you can decide that, im just hoping you make the right decision for the long run. do you really want your child to grow up living around an unhealthy relationship such as the one between you and your ex? do you really want your child to see you be treated this way for the rest of your days?

sorry to be dramatic but this is whats going through my mind when i read your post. good luck OP i hope you and your baby are healthy and happy xxx

Reku

What a jerk. Seriously, no matter how bad you might feel do not go back to him, you'll only give him a sense of being able to continue this behaviour.
I'd also be wary of him trying to manipulate the child against you as it grows up, make out that "mummy is a bit crazy" or some such.:mad:

LegacyUser

Thank you for your words and input.It has helped more then you can imagine.I haven't spoken about this to my own friends yet as I miraculously enough feel horrendous dissing him.Even posting this I feel bad and I truly don't know why.
There is no relationship to speak of at the moment.He has not made an effort to talk about what has happened.And on the occasion I rang him(forgetting the meaning of the words self respect)about it,he was distant and put me on hold to take another call...all the while being in a room with people yet failing to inform me until I asked if he was or not.I think the demise of a relationship is private and if there was an ounce of respect there he would have walked out of the room.And I got no response to a text I sent.
Christ I feel like the Queen of the Idiots.
I have tried to be as unbiased as I can...he would obviously argue ALL the points but I would have a valid counter argument for almost 90% of the things he would accuse me of doing.
Remaining 10% can be contributed to me being bitchy and/or pregnancy which brings with it a roller-coaster of emotions.I have felt completely insane at times yes.Call this and the above a moment of clarity if you are of the opinion all pregnant women are constantly ruled by there emotions.
Even if that was the case,which I believe it isn't.
The feelings I feel for the situation I've outlined are present if not magnified.
It's so horrible.I'm just asking for peoples opinions.Any:)
I keep thinking what I would say to my own mother and father if they were going through this situation.
I'd certainly curtail the fathers day presents...<-that there was a comment laced in pure unbridled bias.
It makes me sick and I don't want to but I know in my heart of hearts that it's best to remain out of it.I'm having a little girl so I don't want to be a weak role model,but I came from a loving parental unit for all their faults and obviously wanted that...
Can't always get what you want.
And @farohar;unfortunately I think down the line if we were to remain apart and say,if I was in another relationship,he'd be the type of guy to say just that.
He is a great friend to people...but he isn't a great boyfriend...he was,he is no longer.

Gumbyman

This man is young, immature and not ready for fatherhood. That may not necessarily be his fault. Not sure what you can do really. It's a tough one. I hope you keep strong and get through this. Best of luck.

Beruthiel

Gumbyman wrote: »

This man is young, immature and not ready for fatherhood..

I agree with that.
I get the feeling he never wanted to have a baby. At least, not yet.

He is just so concerned with keeping up appearances and being this cool guy...hanging out with his mates, devoting all his time and money to his work and hobbies.Leaving me to pick up baby stuff as I go.Putting me down as I "do nothing"...and have too much time to think...should "get a life" for myself.

From what you have said, he is no where near ready for the responsibility of taking care of a baby. At least, that's how he's acting.
Things change when you are expecting a baby, your focus must be on that and how you intend to deal with it. Spending your money on other stuff is fine, if you have covered the cost of the more important things first.

Look out for yourself and the baby, you cannot concern yourself with him now, he's not going to be there for you.
Best of luck.

StandnDeliver

its hard to get rid of someone who you love,but the love seems one sided.I would focus on you,getting your head sorted etc,turn off your phone so your not looking at it.do something constructive,go see your psychiatrist they're suppose to listen.

why not spend time with a family member,go for a trip to a mates away from your present situation.

Sulukie

Hi I'm going to offer a slightly different view point, hope you don't mind, while I agree that the way he treats you is disgraceful and shouldn't be tolerated I get the impression that you are both very young. Your'e both going through a very emotional time and worries and hormones aren't helping. I am with my dh for 20 years - I was a child when I met him honest and so many of the things you are going through sound familiar.

The other posters have said that the don't think he is ready to be a dad and they may be right but I honestly believe that could all change once he holds your little one in his arms. We women have 9 months to get used to being a Mum and to loving our babies before they even arrive I know from talking to male friends and my dh that even thought the intellectually know they are going to be a father for most men fatherhood happens when the baby is born. I can't tell you how many men I've heard saying I won't be changing nappies or pushing prams - don't believe it!

I guess I'm saying that I really don't think now is the time to make any permanent decisions, things could look very different when the baby is born. I know you are apart at the moment but after the baby is born be prepared to have a really good talk about where you go next. Apart from anything else your baby deserves to know her Daddy.

Sulukie

FlexiLexi

you simply dont deserve this, so just walk away and thank yourself that you wont be subjecting a child to his vile ways.

dudara

While I do have some sympathy for your predicament, you also appear to be coming across as a bit of a headwrecker.

How you behaved towards him, testing him with "breakups" was undoubtedly going to backfire on you at some stage. No man will put up with that kind of emotional manipulation for long.

This contrariness of yours could be due to the pregnancy or you could simply be that way anyway. I don't personally know you, so I don't know which is the case. Because you're pregnant doesn't mean that you can't control your moods to some degree.

The way you describe following him to the nightclub, freaking out because he didn't text you, all that makes me feel that maybe the young lad has made a sensible choice. He may not have done it in the best manner possible or chosen the best time, but you simply may have pushed him that bit too far.

TBH, from your description he does appear to be a little young and immature, but so do you as well.

JuliusCaesar

SSD wrote: »

And he can still go to gig around the country,3 day festivals and even going on a trip to America to hang out with friends of his in a popular band...it fell through,but it was planned for August...a month before I give birth.I was unreasonable for airing my disapproval for that though.The flights were free.

He is looking forward to the birth of this baby,so I know running away from responsibilities isn't to blame.

A first baby is a shock for most people. It's very difficult to imagine the changes it'll bring to your life before it actually happens.

Maybe he's just trying to do all his single stuff while you're still pregnant and the child hasn't yet been born. But it sounds as if he isn't emotionally ready. It may well be that he'll get with it when he sees the baby. But he might not.

It's up to you whether to give him a chance and wait till after the birth.

Sugar Drunk

It does sounds like he is not ready to have a baby. what happened when you fell pregnant what was his reaction? Did you both want to keep the baby?

You often see lads of that age getting freaked out by their GF getting pregnant - they are not ready for fatherhood and not ready to give up the young life but are trying to 'do the right thing' in staying with their GF and keeping the baby.

I am not saying that it excuses how he has behaved but it sounds like you two havent really got to the bottom of how you are both feeling right now. As another poster menationed things often change when the baby is born and he becomes a father

Karen_*

OP I think you know yourself that things aren't going to 'suddenly' change and probably not even gradually either. Your ex is projecting all his faults on to you. He sounds like the psychotic delisional one to be honest. You just sound worn out and at the end of your tether. While you're with him you'll always be at the end of your tether and feeling like you're on an emotional roller coaster. I don't think you should give it another shot but why not break from him for a few months and get your head together? Maybe try again when the baby is born and then if things go the same way you can move on knowing you've definately done the right thing and knowing things will never change.

He seems to just play head games and thats neve going to be good for anyone.

dudara

Karen_* wrote: »

He seems to just play head games and thats neve going to be good for anyone.

It seems to me that it's the OP playing the head games.

Karen_*

Well maybe both of them are Durada. We're hearing her side of thing The Op does seem very distressed and since she's expecting his chaild its out of order that he conducts their phone calls while there are others around listening. I think we'd both agree though that headgames aren't a recipe for a happy relationship.

davyjose

silvine wrote: »

Yet another leave him answer.

The OP has already referred to him as her ex, so that point is irrelevant. Was she right to do so? IMO, yes. And if he wants to be a part of his baby's life he can grow the fùck up, and then maybe there'll be a different option for the OP.

davyjose

dudara wrote: »

While I do have some sympathy for your predicament, you also appear to be coming across as a bit of a headwrecker.

How you behaved towards him, testing him with "breakups" was undoubtedly going to backfire on you at some stage. No man will put up with that kind of emotional manipulation for long.

This contrariness of yours could be due to the pregnancy or you could simply be that way anyway. I don't personally know you, so I don't know which is the case. Because you're pregnant doesn't mean that you can't control your moods to some degree.

The way you describe following him to the nightclub, freaking out because he didn't text you, all that makes me feel that maybe the young lad has made a sensible choice. He may not have done it in the best manner possible or chosen the best time, but you simply may have pushed him that bit too far.

TBH, from your description he does appear to be a little young and immature, but so do you as well.

I agree with a lot of this dudara, particularly the last line. It's unfortunate that only one of them has the opportunity to hold the door open and say **** off to all their worries, and continue being young and immature.

Magic2002

Yes he has behaved very badly, shown very little understanding of how you are feeling and the stress of your situation.

However, and this is not having a go at you in any way, shape or form but from reading your post it seems that your relationship has been in a bit of a bad way for a while.

Looking at it another way, you are very young, so I imagine he is too. The pregnancy wasn’t planned so I’m guessing, no matter how much you think he is looking forward to the birth (and he could well be) he is also fairly apprehensive. That, added to the fact you are naturally all over the shop (hormones, dealing with a big life change, getting things ready for the little one). Obviously he should have been more supportive, realized that you needed the pair of you to be a team and cut you slack. But he didn’t. Now maybe it’s because he is immature, or he’s a creep, or he did to a point until his patience ran out.

To be fair to him – while I’m not condoning his behavior – I can see how he would have found it is very difficult to deal with the situation. You say yourself the relationship was always volatile. Threatening breakups, having huge rows, following him to the night club – you took his bad behavior and compounded it. Maybe he was pushing your buttons on purpose, maybe he has a point when he says you are controlling.

Either way, I think you need to consider long and hard whether this relationship is one you should be in.

Is it A) He’s a psychopath and is deliberating trying to make you crack up He’s perfect and you’re the crazy C) He’s young, immature, in a stressful situation and dealing badly and you are also in a stressful situation and have possibly reacted by being a small bit of a head wrecker.

I’m thinking C but the thing is – if you both do decide to give it another go – you both probably need to make some changes. Neither of you will ever be prefect, you’ll still have rows and you’ll both need to react differently. Unless you can honestly see that happening do you really want your child seeing Mum and Dad fighting violently all the time? You know better then anyone here what you and he are capable of and what the realistic chances are.

Oh, and don’t worry (if you can!) about him meeting someone else. Maybe he will, maybe he won’t, maybe you’ll get back together. It hasn’t happened yet so don’t stress yourself out about something you really can’t do anything about. I can’t imagine how hard it must be but I think it would be best if you could take what might happen down the road out of the equation for making your decision and work out what is best for you and the new arrival for now.

Talking to a psychiatrist is a really good thing, not something to be worried or ashamed of. Best of luck with it and I really hope it all works out ok for you. Do something really nice for yourself and have a mental hug for yourself

yawnstretch

Seeing a psychiatrist is a responsible thing to do - not something bad. It's a self-improvement thing right?

Sounds like the relationship has been beaten and bludgeoned to death by both of you. The only advice I can offer is that if it somehow does come back together that you resist arguments from now on. It's easy to get stuck in but it just ends up in destruction.

Luckily you both seem to care about the child - maybe that's somewhere to start?