Younger Brother Troubles

LegacyUser

Hi

A wee bit delicate but am guessing common enough issue. Basically my brother has announced that following his failure at some subjects from 1st year of college he is quitting his course.

He is studying Marine Science. He says he doesn't like the aspects of the course that are 'non' marine-science. Like many science courses first years get a grounding in physics, chemistry and other areas that are perhaps not obviously related (even tho I do try to explain they are very very relevant). Rather than get the head down and study and get them behind him he is quitting.

Lets call that problem A.

Perhaps he just isn't suited to that course so part A is redundant. So the next question to him was obviously what is next?

He has virtually written off taking up a different course as he says he doesn't want to 'study'.

His plan is to ask for a full-time position in the supermarket where he works part time as a shelf stacker. Again no problem but longevity wise thats not the best place to be. Especially because he is so used to the cushy life my parents provide him. All his part-time monies go toward his leisure: holidays / drink / xbox etc. Mum and dad provide food / board / etc etc. I get the impression he doesn't grasp that life won't be so easy when he has to go it alone on a low wage.

Any time I talk to him about it he goes off in a huff and starts being abusive. My sister who is I would admit more diplomatic than me gets the same treatment. Maw and Paw have lost the plot a little with him and don't know what to do.

He is still quite young (18) so plenty of time for him to grow up yet. The question is really what to do? What should I be advising him to do ... ? What should I advise my parents to do? They have had 5 thru uni and we are all out fending for ourselves now. Maw and Paw should be enjoying their retirement instead of having to use their pension, never mind wait hand on foot on him (he really is spoilt).

supertramp

Hi. I also studyed Marine science and quit after 2 months. I felt as if there was no hope that I would start to study, and i felt I was wasting my parents money.

I regretted quiting, still do, although I was very lucky with the job i have. I decided to go back to college twice more, and quit each time. Every time I regretted, but I guess I'm not college material.

But I think he needs to give it more time to see if he doesn't like studying.
Given that he doesn't want to talk about it I would say, he's ashamed or he is uncertain about quiting.

All science courses are too general in 1st year. It's after 1st year that it becomes more to the point. I did general science after marine science. I studyed pretty much the same subjects in 1st year

WorriedBrother wrote: »

Hi

A wee bit delicate but am guessing common enough issue. Basically my brother has announced that following his failure at some subjects from 1st year of college he is quitting his course.

He is studying Marine Science. He says he doesn't like the aspects of the course that are 'non' marine-science. Like many science courses first years get a grounding in physics, chemistry and other areas that are perhaps not obviously related (even tho I do try to explain they are very very relevant). Rather than get the head down and study and get them behind him he is quitting.

Lets call that problem A.

Perhaps he just isn't suited to that course so part A is redundant. So the next question to him was obviously what is next?

He has virtually written off taking up a different course as he says he doesn't want to 'study'.

His plan is to ask for a full-time position in the supermarket where he works part time as a shelf stacker. Again no problem but longevity wise thats not the best place to be. Especially because he is so used to the cushy life my parents provide him. All his part-time monies go toward his leisure: holidays / drink / xbox etc. Mum and dad provide food / board / etc etc. I get the impression he doesn't grasp that life won't be so easy when he has to go it alone on a low wage.

Any time I talk to him about it he goes off in a huff and starts being abusive. My sister who is I would admit more diplomatic than me gets the same treatment. Maw and Paw have lost the plot a little with him and don't know what to do.

He is still quite young (18) so plenty of time for him to grow up yet. The question is really what to do? What should I be advising him to do ... ? What should I advise my parents to do? They have had 5 thru uni and we are all out fending for ourselves now. Maw and Paw should be enjoying their retirement instead of having to use their pension, never mind wait hand on foot on him (he really is spoilt).

girl2

Maybe he's just a little fragile at the moment? Hopefully he'll come to his senses.....and youre right, he's only 18 so really he's got plenty of time to make different choices.

Plus if he does go full time......he could very easily get a rude awakening.....no lie ins, paying tax......the student life could come calling again very easily!

Hopefully anyway.

RedXIV

he's only 18, he has plenty of time for rude awakenings yet.

What worked on me was when the issue of girls came up

my dad said if i wanted to bring a girl back to the house, i better get my own house. after butting heads about it a few times i finally decided i wanted my own place, and thus began the learning curve that everyone hits when they move out.

If i was gonna give any advice, it'd be to place rules and restrictions on him until he craves his own freedom enough to pay for it

Best of luck OP

Red

LegacyUser

WorriedBrother wrote: »

Hi

A wee bit delicate but am guessing common enough issue. Basically my brother has announced that following his failure at some subjects from 1st year of college he is quitting his course.

He is studying Marine Science. He says he doesn't like the aspects of the course that are 'non' marine-science. Like many science courses first years get a grounding in physics, chemistry and other areas that are perhaps not obviously related (even tho I do try to explain they are very very relevant). Rather than get the head down and study and get them behind him he is quitting.

Lets call that problem A.

Perhaps he just isn't suited to that course so part A is redundant. So the next question to him was obviously what is next?

He has virtually written off taking up a different course as he says he doesn't want to 'study'.

His plan is to ask for a full-time position in the supermarket where he works part time as a shelf stacker. Again no problem but longevity wise thats not the best place to be. Especially because he is so used to the cushy life my parents provide him. All his part-time monies go toward his leisure: holidays / drink / xbox etc. Mum and dad provide food / board / etc etc. I get the impression he doesn't grasp that life won't be so easy when he has to go it alone on a low wage.

Any time I talk to him about it he goes off in a huff and starts being abusive. My sister who is I would admit more diplomatic than me gets the same treatment. Maw and Paw have lost the plot a little with him and don't know what to do.

He is still quite young (18) so plenty of time for him to grow up yet. The question is really what to do? What should I be advising him to do ... ? What should I advise my parents to do? They have had 5 thru uni and we are all out fending for ourselves now. Maw and Paw should be enjoying their retirement instead of having to use their pension, never mind wait hand on foot on him (he really is spoilt).

Op my Bro is the same, He quit after first year even though he passed his exams. He had an easy life, working a few hours in a supermarket. Driving daddys jeep, boozing all week, no bills to worry about apart from buying some phone credit very rarely as mam would usually buy him some!

I managed to convince to take a year out and see then, he went working full time after. When he realised what it was like to work in a supermarket full time he ended up going back to college. He's still a waster but at least he;s still in college.

Tbh I find most people say up to 22 are wasters they expect everything handed to them and expect not to work for anything.

Myself and my friends 27+ worked our asses off in college, at one stage I was working nights and going to college for a month as I was broke, didnt want to take money of the parents. Worked hard once I graduated, did some professional exams etc and making very good money now.

The celtic tiger cubs expect it all too easy, they are in for a massive shock once they graduate.

Zzippy

I feel for your brother OP, 1st/2nd year in science courses can really test your commitment. I did a v similar course, 1st year I scraped a pass in Maths, but really hated the subject. 2nd year I failed chemistry, really hated that too. 3rd and 4th years were the best years of my life - learning stuff I was really interested in (freshwater and marine science mostly, with other zoology and environmental modules thrown in), stuff that was really relevant to the career I wanted, and that helped me in the end (and still does to this day).
Is there any chance a tutor from the college could maybe have a word with him?

If he does decide to go the full time low paid job route, I think your parents should contribute to helping him make his decision by making him pay for rent, bills, food, etc. Then see how he likes it when he can't afford holidays, xbox games, pints, etc. He might appreciate the student life a bit more then...

Bottle_of_Smoke

He's only 18 - let him do whatever he wants, can come back from this.

But I would suggest your parents start charging him "rent" seeing as hes working full time now. Might just give him an idea of what life on minimum wage is like. Also a lot of the time in part time retail jobs you have a good time working there because of the people you work with. Then it becomes extremely boring when you go full time.

He's probably upset about the whole thing himself, then he has yourself & your parents hassling him constantly about what he's going to do. He'll begin to really resent that & could end up not going to college out of spite. Thread carefully.

invincibleirish

Let your brother make his own mind up in time he is after all an adult, its difficult at 18 to truly know what to commit to in terms of education/work/life, and traditionally courses like Marine Science have a huge drop out rate.

Is there other college courses that he may want to do? maybe he just wants to work and be independent for a while and not deal with academic matters?, chances are he has just decided what he doesnt want to do, so now let him decide what he does want to do, If he gets the full time job he wants then let him play Xbox & drink for a few months he'll eventually come around to the fact theres more to life then that.

For what its worth i dropped out of Uni after 1st year when i was 19(to initial resistance from my family), the course, the people & the college were great times i had a ball, but i was fed up with education and wanted to live a little. Fast forward 3 years im back in college after doing the work/travel/independent living thing and enjoying the course and now following the college/career path that you are expected to do when you are 18 right out of school.

c-90

the lad is old enough to decide what he wants, if he really wanted to do marine science he would find a way! maybe he doesnt want to go to college?

it sounds to me that hes the youngest and being made a baby of. let him become independant and make mistakes or he wont be able to cope by himself.

i dont know how mutch to do with marine science it would bw but he could try the naval service?:) it would also give him great independance

Dont be at yourself

If he's 18, doesn't want to avail of free third level education, has a part-time job and is happy living off the parents, then the parents really need to charge him rent.

Not only will it cover their expenses in keeping him, but it will also motivate him to move on with his life.

tbh

don't worry - he's not in the real world yet as Red says. Once his mates start going on holidays together, buying cars, getting girlfriends etc, he'll start to be left behind and that'll spur him on. There are some things we can only learn the hard way, I'm guessing this is one of those situations for him.

Meathlass

OP, you can argue with your brother until you are blue in the face but unti he wants to change he won't. Maybe your parents tell him that now he's in full time employment, he has to contribute to the household. My own brother left school just after the junior cert (aged 15 and half) - he did about 2 months of 5th year and dropped out. As his big sister (8 years difference) I ranted and raved at him, (both myself and another brother were in college at the time and our family would be considered upper middle class I suspose). Once I qualified and was out working he did some general labouring work with me, supermarkets, local shops etc. About a year ago when he was 20 he decided he wanted to go back to school and do the Leaving. He also applied for a FAS course that he loved and is now working at the profession that the course was about. In the end he didn't do the Leaving as he's sticking with the FAS thing. My point is he had to decide for himself in his own time, he just won't listen to him. I would definately get him to pay food and board though. If he's living at home with a b and b service on tap there's no incentive. At least my brother was out renting.

MJOR

Some lessons you have learn on your own. I'm inclined (again!) to agree with Red. He won't be long copping on when he has to pay rent etc.

Dave!

I'm assuming he went straight from school to college... I did that, and found it quite taxing. I guess most people can soldier through it, but I found it quite difficult, coupled with the fact that I wasn't keen on my course (and was struggling with aspects of it).

I managed to pass 1st year, but decided to take a gap year before progressing. The college was cool about it. Talk to him (and suggest he talks to someone else) about working for a year and then maybe going back to college.

Maybe the course isn't for him. It's hard to tell in 1st year really. As someone pointed out, it's very general, and may be quite different to what the next few years will be.

How's the social side of things in college? I know I didn't know many people in 1st year, so that made things quite difficult, and made the whole experience even more negative. He might not be keen to tell you about this though.

Point out to him that we're in a recession now, and having an education will be a big plus. It's one thing not going to college, but picking up a trade. You can travel with that. But if you don't have any kind of qualification, then it'll be very difficult. Australia aren't exactly crying out for supermarket clerks. It's all well and good when mammy and daddy are supporting you, but they have their own lives to lead, and they're not going to put up with you leeching off them and being in their house for the next 10 years.

Give him the year anyways. I know I benefitted from it, and always recommend it. It would be a good idea for him to try find another job in a different environment for a while too. He can take the year to get experience in the workplace. Easier said than done nowadays though, since there's f*ck all jobs going!

It's a better investment to let him work for a year and think about what he wants to do than to cajole him into going back in September (and probs paying fees), only to drop out mid-way through (which I suspect he would do). Be positive about it.

* He'll mature to some degree by working full-time and paying rent
* He'll have time to think about his future (it's hard to think about what course you want to do when you're in the process of studying for a "huge" exam, ie. the Leaving Cert)
* He could get some experience that other college graduates might not have
* He can use the year to pick up skills or better himself in some ways. Can he drive? No better time to pick it up. Maybe he'd do a first aid course. Adult education courses can be pretty good, get a few brochures.

BKtje

This sounds pretty similar to what happened to me though i was a year or so older.

Went straight to college after school, passed most of my exams in first year but pretty much dropped out after 2nd year started.
Worked in a super market for a 10 months before realising what a **** job it was. I started studying computer courses in my spare time at home before deciding to go back to college after casually speaking to a friend about things.

College itself has been a chore and every year i debate whether to quit or to stick with it (i just don't "fit" into the typical student template). I think i've decided to try and finish it but it wasn't an easy decesion to make and i may still change my mind.

My advice would be to let him work in the supermarket for a year and see what life is like paying bills and working in a crappy job. He's still very young with plenty of time ahead of him to go back to college or whatever if that's what he decides to do.

Most lessons aren't learnt till you experience them so no amount of convincing from you will motivate him to stay in college in the long term if it's not something he wants to do.

akamossy

He's old enough to mess up his own life. Let him do what he wants, he'll so realise he's made a mistake and you won't have been the baddy in the situation. I realise its hard to stand by and watch a family member muck up but sometimes it's the only way a person will learn.

marti101

I think really not everybody is co;;ege material.Just cause you and 4 others went doesnt mean he has to.Also slagging off working in a supermarket he could actually ask bout manager courses they take a wide varity of people working in retail or some other job especially if a recession comes.Who do you think employers want somebody with a degreea nd no work experience or somebody with experience of jobs.I just think he has to do whats right for him and nobody else.But your parets should start charging rent and board after all he is working so whatever perks he gets at home stops now.

kmick

Leave him make his own mistakes. Your parents will never cut him off as they are his parents and you can do sod all about it. If he does not figure out within the first year that a min wage job in tescos 40 hours a week is soul destroying and not a future then maybe thats his level.

My sister went this route as well. She figured out pretty quick that waitressing was not so much fun as she thought while doing it part time. Back to college and is back on track now.

Its his life - let him live it.

LegacyUser

I am a scientist and can agree with smoe of the posters that first and second year can be quite hard. If you are not really interested then it becomes almost impossible.
You didn't indicate why your brother was interested in marine science in the first place. Is it just a mattter of completing a third level education to please your parents. If so, then science is too hard for that!
For what it is worth, this government is currently making many scientists redundant and treatening others. Most marine scientists will hope to work in the public sector. It is unlikely that they will get jobs.If they do, they will be underpaid and also have to continually defend themselves as public servants.
Your brother will almost certainly be better off in the retail trade. If he is happy then I would suggest that he has probably made the right choice.

LegacyUser

Hi

He does say he liked the single marine science module he studied and the only exam he passed! ... but being honest I could not see him as a marine scientist. He claims to like the area, and is interested in completing his diving certs and such, but interested as he claims he is, he never gets up off his arse and plonks down the dinero for the PADI cert or joining the dive club. He'll well spend it on other vices before that.

Am not sure what he is suited too he spends most of his time on xbox live with few hobbies outside of that!

Perhaps going solo and growing up with all the constraints that come when you move outta home will open his eyes. I just (and again prob. me being a big brother) feel he is sooo immature. Something college might have helped with.

Thanks for all the feedback. Am going to let him cool off am sure he has heard plenty of advice that may just sound like a abuse to him! Then when he is a little calmer in a week or so let him talk ... perhaps he can tell me what he wants rather than us ranting at him.