Even in hopeless there is hope?

LegacyUser · 09-07-2008 10:05am #1

I suppose if there was ever a quote that fitted someone that quote would fit me. I'm a forever optomist, about my relationship in any case.

We've been married three years, which in my mind have been happy eventful years. The ups and the downs. In the last weeks my wife and I have been attending counselling sessions because there wasn't something right... At first I was hesitant about counselling but I'd do anything for our marriage so I went. Certain truths were discussed.

We had a counselling session recently where my wife basically says she has never loved me the way she should have.She said she has only ever once been "in love" in the romantic sense with her first bf... I maintained my composure. I was hurting... She said things like "he is the perfect husband in so many ways but I want to feel more, I need to feel more."

After the counselling session I couldn't bring myself to even look at her. When we got home I went out and when I came back she was sleeping. I slept in the spair room and broke down.. I couldn't cope. In the morning we didn't speak, I dropped her off at work and a few minutes ago I got an email subject line "is this it for us?"

I'm so confused.... angry... hurt. I just don't know what to do..

Help.

HH

Beruthiel · 09-07-2008 10:15am

hopeinhopeless wrote:

my wife basically says she has never loved me the way she should have.

You poor thing. That is a horrible thing to say to your partner.
It begs the question, why did she marry you if she never loved you like she needed to love someone?

I'm sorry, but I don't know how we can help you with this. You are seeing a professional already and it's brought to light things you probably did not want to know.

For myself, personally speaking, if my partner did not think the sun shines out of my ass, I don't think I could be with them. I'd feel like the second prize so to speak.

I suggest you take your time, think it through, talk to her. I'd ask her if she thinks you're the 'second prize' as far as she's concerned.
After that, you will just have to decide if that's enough for you or would you rather be with someone who thinks the sun shines out of your ass. I think you deserve that.

Take good care of yourself.
*hugs*

Captain Ginger · 09-07-2008 10:27am

Wow, I cannot fadom how you feel right now man, that is just shocking.

I really don't know what to say here, I just hope you find happiness at the end of it all no matter what happens.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2008 10:29am

Beruthiel wrote: »

You poor thing. That is a horrible thing to say to your partner.
It begs the question, why did she marry you if she never loved you like she needed to love someone?.

She said it made sense, I was caring, sweet etc.

The counsellor has suggested one on one sessions. I've agreed to this. My wife will go by herself next week. The truth is refreshing in a way but I kind of feel used, I've given so much to this relationship and showed many times that I would support her. 3 years of marriage plus all the time we spent before we got married and she feels more love for a crush she had when she was growing up and she never even knew his feelings.

We celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary last week. I got flowers delivered to her work place, took her away to a fancy hotel, wined and dined her and treated her to spa session. Nice thank you I get

She does seem willing to try... But you would think by now if she was going to fall in love with me she would have already in the three years we have been together. She talks about starting afresh. A new leaf... Every part of me wants to just hold her tight and feel her heart beating against me but then my logical mind says "Aren't you just setting yourself up for another fall..."

Beruthiel wrote: »

*hugs*

Thanks

tbh · 09-07-2008 10:30am

I'm sorry for your troubles my friend. All I can say is, while it may be it for you plural, you singular goes on. What will happen now is what's meant to happen. I wish you strength.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2008 10:31am

Oh Gawd, that is terrible. It is difficult to give advice, but with regard to that email, I think I would simply ask her how she thinks you feel... I mean, your marriage has basically been built on, well, an illusion if not a lie created by one party. Therefore, put the ball right into her field. What type of solution does she think there is? Does she believe this can actually be solved? Is she prepared to live with what she did to you - because let's face it, there is no way you can go back to treating her the way you used to.

This is a major break of trust. Personally, I doubt I could get over this and move on with my partner. I would leave. However, you are in councelling, so maybe that is a sign she wants to actually work on it. Whether or not this is something that can be worked on, though...

Like I said, put the ball right back into her field.

Beruthiel · 09-07-2008 10:46am

hopeinhopeless wrote: »

3 years of marriage plus all the time we spent before we got married and she feels more love for a crush she had when she was growing up and she never even knew his feelings.

As an adult, she should realise that some teenage crush and a life long commitment to someone are two entirely different things.

She does seem willing to try... But you would think by now if she was going to fall in love with me she would have already in the three years we have been together.

I agree with you. As far as I'm concerned she should never have married you if she wasn't in love with you. End of.

She talks about starting afresh. A new leaf...

You've been together for so many years, you treated her to a great anniversary, what is this 'fresh start' going to gain for her?
Does she seriously think these feelings are just going to arrive any minute now out of no where by the wave of a magic wand?

"Aren't you just setting yourself up for another fall..."

Aren't you?
If I were in your position, I would feel that to be the case.

I don't envy you your decision.
At the end of the day, look after number one.
You must do what will make you happiest in the long run. At the end of the day, your happiness is your number one priority.

Dragan · 09-07-2008 10:51am

Jesus fella but that is a bum deal.

I just want to point out that any fresh start needs to come from her side, not yours. You love her, you treat her well. It seems from the info provided that you have all the bases covered.

What you need to do is continue to just be you and she will need to continue to just be herself. You cannot either make yourself love someone or make them love you.

Best of luck with it.

Quazzie · 09-07-2008 10:52am

I used to feel the same about my wife. I always felt that there just wasn't a proper connection and that we settled for each other. That a previous girlfriend was my "one". Its only in the lasy three years (ten years in all) that I've trully realised that we are perfect for each other. We've had our share of rough times, more than our fair share in fact, but after coming through the other side we both know it was all worth it. I just hope the same success for you mate.

eveie · 09-07-2008 10:56am

a lot of married couples find them selves in the suituation that you are in be it 3 yrs or 20 years into a relationship. count yourself fortunate that you'd discovered your wifes feelings, many people are oblivious to them for years.
it must be incrediblly difficult to find out that your wife is not in love with you but try to work through it, im presuming that you are in love with her. she may be going through a tough time herself for what ever reason. i can see where some people are coming from when they say......why did she marry you? but that question is usless because you are married now. its brilliant to see that you are willing to go to counselling with her, its obvious that you want to work things out and she does too. sometimes the truth hurts but you can work things out. i know a few couples that this excat thing happened too and their still together and happier then ever
i really wish you the best of luck

Drummerboy2 · 09-07-2008 10:58am

What is love? Unfortunately some women, and probably men, believe “Love” is all romance and scented candles. The kind of thing you read about in glossy magazines. However, it is far more than that. You seem to know the true meaning of the word. You wife on the other hand has a totally different handle on “Love”. Perhaps the one and one sessions will help her understand the true meaning of love, partnership, friendship and the desire to be there, selflessly, for someone else. I hope things work out for you both.

RedXIV · 09-07-2008 10:59am

Hey OP,

First off, hard luck mate, i hate seeing bad things happening to good people and from what you've written here so far you seem like a solid and decent bloke.

While i do agree with Beruthiel that you should never have to settle, i would recommend you continue with your counicilling for a little bit. I know that it's not going to magically fix anything but i do think that a 3 year commitment of marriage shouldn't be so simply thrown aside.

Whatever happens mate, i wish you all the best and hope you find happiness sooner rather than later

katie08 · 09-07-2008 11:01am

You seem like a very caring, sweet and sensitive man who any girl would be lucky to have! Don't let this get you down, keep yourself busy with hobbies etc & keep SMILING!!

My advice is... that even thou your married maybe you should tell her you want to take a break because there are two sayings that i believe belong to this situation of yours...

you never know what you had until its gone.
if you love someone set them free, if they come back they are yours to keep.

Wagon · 09-07-2008 11:01am

That's probably one of the most upsetting and lousy things I've read on this forum. This is the reason I don't agree with marraige, that to all too many it's become more of an insurance policy rather than a sacred bond.

I can't offer anything other than my opinion mate. I think it's over. Start divorce proceedings when your ready and detach yourself emotionally from this person forever. Easier said than done I know, but you deserve a lot more. Post back here if you need to vent or whatever. Best of luck mate.

LegacyUser · 09-07-2008 11:32am

Thanks for all the comments thus far.

I do love her. Without a doubt. The question she asked me in the email she sent, I really don't think I am the one to answer that... I've always been willing to give more than I get but if she isn't willing then its like running up an escalator the wrong way.

I want to believe this can work. For my sanity and emotional wellbeing it has to.

She has been honest with me. She brought up going to a counsellor. In a card she gave us for the anniversary she wrote

"Because you're my constant sun. Thanks for warm feelings and this new found openesss in our lives." "Sun flowers are the third year anniversary flower (she bought me some of these). Whatever light, whereever it is, no matter how weak, these flowers will find it

We will find it my love."

I'm wrecked. Emotionally. My eyes are sore, my head is sore.

Quazzie · 09-07-2008 11:32am

Couldn't agree with Drummerboy2 more.. Society in general think that love is as it is in Hollywood movies.. The reality is that it aint.. Its far from it. Its hard work, but its worth it, and your wife married you and is still with you, so she obviously thinks its worth it. stay strong and faithful and the rest will fall into place whatever is meant to happen.

kmick · 09-07-2008 11:37am

Does she want to stay together? This surely is the only question? If she does ye can make it work. If not how can ye go on?

Wibbs · 09-07-2008 1:19pm

TBH Some days I'm cynical about my own gender and consider all too many of them emotionally weak children. Then I meet or see someone like you and think that's an actual man, faults and all. It restores my faith.

From what you've posted here, you have decency and a good heart. A rare enough commodity in either gender.

I agree with Drummerboy2, I think what she thinks she wants from love and what love means to her has got screwed up in the mix. The fact that she felt more for a schoolgirl crush than for the man she walked up the aisle with speaks volumes.

Now she's confused as she does seem willing to work on this, but at the same time can't square that with her feelings. Difficult one. For you, never mind for her.

IMHO and this likely utter bollóx so take it under advisement from better counsel around here, but I think no amount of "logic" of the reality of the situation and flowers and chocolates and all that stuff on their own will likely swing her around. The counseling is a great start and will help, but she needs to feel, not think, if you know what I mean.

You need to engage her emotionally more. By that I mean not just the obvious "romantic" stuff. That may put her on a pedestal more and that may push her away. I know it sounds mad and the opposite to what your instinct may tell you, but as I said that's my take on it.

By emotionally engage her, I mean make her see you're an equal "prize" to her. Indeed at this stage, more so.

Don't bribe her with stuff to get her feelings back. Reward her with stuff when she does something for you. So if she makes an effort towards you, then do things for her. Let her do the running. Back off emotionally. Just a little. Let her feel that you will work at this, but that if she doesn't come someway towards you, you can and will walk.

If she upsets you. Let her know. Don't flip at her of course, though I doubt you would do that, just let her know that you're not happy, clearly and calmly.

As Katie08 wrote you never know what you had until its gone, so give her a flavour of that before you may have to go.

These are not games either. This is you being the man you are and being appreciated for being that man. If she can't or won't there are a hell of a lot of women out there that will. A decent man of any type is rare and women know this. All too well.

I wish you the best of luck. I wish her luck that she may see what she's losing, because if she doesn't from what you've told us, she will regret it down the line.

Jigsaw · 09-07-2008 1:53pm

I'm sorry to hear what has happened. For the sake of the marriage I think it is important that you exhaust every avenue in trying to make things work. However, if it ultimately appears that it won't work then I would set about hiding and shifting your assets in the event of a divorce. Sign a lot of things over to your brother and look at Swiss/Cayman Islands bank accounts.

There is no point being both emotionally AND financially bankrupt.

Dyr · 09-07-2008 2:13pm

"Despair is for people who know, beyond any doubt, what the future is going to bring. Nobody is in that position. So despair is not only a kind of sin, theologically, but also a simple mistake, because nobody actually knows. In that sense there always is hope."

nice quote huh?

MJOR · 09-07-2008 2:19pm

My mother always told me don't marry the man you love marry the man that loves you.......

This seems to be the case here on some level OP. While I think she loves you she isn't in love with you..... yet.

Maybe when you sound all this through the sessions you will get some comfort.

You sound wonderful and I think that you two will get through this.

Good luck x

Quazzie · 09-07-2008 2:30pm

If nothing else take comfort in the fact that the women on this thread are swooning over you

LouOB · 09-07-2008 2:36pm

TBH do what is best for you
You have given this relationship 3+ years are you prepared to give it the rest of your life

LegacyUser · 09-07-2008 5:49pm

I can feel your pain mate. I have been married for 6 years 2 kids and I asked my Wife for a Divorce just last weekend. Similar situation with her First Boyfriend from when she was 13!!!!!! She got back in touch with him this time last year through a well known site on the web which I hate with a passion.

To make a long story short mate, I found 100’s of emails between them last Christmas, she freaked out, thought she has lost me, I thought I had lost her and we sorted it out. A lot of heavy I love you stuff was said. She explained and I forgave. I vowed to make my Wife the focal point of my life again, but she could not keep away for this guy no matter what I did. I caught her again and tried to to sort things out and caught her again recently on the phone with him... that was that for me. No matter how much I care for my wife I am not being a fool no longer....

Like you mate, I gave up everything for my Wife. I loved her with everything I had, Gave her everything, always there for her and dealt with a lot of c rap in the 6 years, but once she was true to me I could make it.

This first Boyfriend stuff is hard for me to get my head around. My Wife was 13 when this happened and she basically destroyed her whole life with me and our 2 kids just to keep in touch with this fella… She tells me I don’t understand and that she loves me…

Simply put if she loved me mate, she would off took me up on the fresh start after Christmas.

I told her if it happened again I was done, which it did and I told her I want a divorce .That went down like a ton of bricks. So all of a sudden she wants me again, I am her Knight in Shining Armor and she cant live without me in her life….

This year so far for me has been so messed up and has left me so messed up it has been really unbelievable BUT since I asked for the Divorce I feel better for it…. I don’t want to break up my Family but I certainly do not want to be with someone who is thinking about their first love from donkeys years ago, who I have since found out was just playing my wife for a plain old ride which he or she did not get.

Mate the best advice I can give you is as already said, set her free, give her a taste of life without you in it. Bring up Divorce and get the ball rolling. Its true set them free and if they come back well, you know the rest.

Reading your post, you sound a lot like me. I would move heaven and earth for my wife, I really would have and looking back now, I was simply too nice to her which always ended up with her leaning on me more and more.

I can really see that my Wife has realized what she had with me and now she is on the bring of loosing it. I am what you call a Nice Guy and it has got me no where in my life so I shook her world told her I want a divorce and that she is free to pursue her dream of being back with her first love when she was 13. Guess what???? She no longer wants to have anything to do with this guy.. .simply because she has lost everything that was so dear to her… Me and her family…

Don’t be a door mat mate… give her a kick in the arse and let her feel what its like to loose something that is dear to her.

Keep the chin up mate.

LegacyUser · 11-07-2008 10:51am

Similar Story wrote: »

I can feel your pain mate. I have been married for 6 years 2 kids and I asked my Wife for a Divorce just last weekend. Similar situation with her First Boyfriend from when she was 13!!!!!! She got back in touch with him this time last year through a well known site on the web which I hate with a passion.

To make a long story short mate, I found 100’s of emails between them last Christmas, she freaked out, thought she has lost me, I thought I had lost her and we sorted it out. A lot of heavy I love you stuff was said. She explained and I forgave. I vowed to make my Wife the focal point of my life again, but she could not keep away for this guy no matter what I did. I caught her again and tried to to sort things out and caught her again recently on the phone with him... that was that for me. No matter how much I care for my wife I am not being a fool no longer....

Like you mate, I gave up everything for my Wife. I loved her with everything I had, Gave her everything, always there for her and dealt with a lot of c rap in the 6 years, but once she was true to me I could make it.

This first Boyfriend stuff is hard for me to get my head around. My Wife was 13 when this happened and she basically destroyed her whole life with me and our 2 kids just to keep in touch with this fella… She tells me I don’t understand and that she loves me…

Simply put if she loved me mate, she would off took me up on the fresh start after Christmas.

I told her if it happened again I was done, which it did and I told her I want a divorce .That went down like a ton of bricks. So all of a sudden she wants me again, I am her Knight in Shining Armor and she cant live without me in her life….

This year so far for me has been so messed up and has left me so messed up it has been really unbelievable BUT since I asked for the Divorce I feel better for it…. I don’t want to break up my Family but I certainly do not want to be with someone who is thinking about their first love from donkeys years ago, who I have since found out was just playing my wife for a plain old ride which he or she did not get.

Mate the best advice I can give you is as already said, set her free, give her a taste of life without you in it. Bring up Divorce and get the ball rolling. Its true set them free and if they come back well, you know the rest.

Reading your post, you sound a lot like me. I would move heaven and earth for my wife, I really would have and looking back now, I was simply too nice to her which always ended up with her leaning on me more and more.

I can really see that my Wife has realized what she had with me and now she is on the bring of loosing it. I am what you call a Nice Guy and it has got me no where in my life so I shook her world told her I want a divorce and that she is free to pursue her dream of being back with her first love when she was 13. Guess what???? She no longer wants to have anything to do with this guy.. .simply because she has lost everything that was so dear to her… Me and her family…

Don’t be a door mat mate… give her a kick in the arse and let her feel what its like to loose something that is dear to her.

Keep the chin up mate.

Thanks for your post. It does seem similar to my situation although my wife is not in contact with her "ex" on a regular basis. I think she has him on her facebook account but he is married/divorced/screwed up mentally hah probably similar to me.

I have given our relationship another chance... In the last counselling session she did say that three years is too much to throw away like that. I am trying to position myself differently in the relationship, instead of give give give it will be on an equal basis. I have stopped the physical side of things unless it is instigated by her side. I've also stopped bending over backwards to accomodate her in everything. If she helps me, she will get help back.

I won't be a doormate no more. No way. I think the other day when I didn't speak to her and I wouldn't let her even touch me and I slept in the spare room made a bit of an impact. It's an exercise I will repeat if necessary. I don't want to use the divorce card just yet...

I'll update the thread regardless what happens.

Even in hopeless there is hope?

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