Sex drive Gone - help

caterpillargirl

Hi There,

My sex drive seems to have vanished! I have a toddler and am still breastfeeding (planning to give it up soon) so I know tiredness and bf can contribute. But I really don't feel like having sex with my husband.
Have tried all the romantic suggestions, taking time for ourselves etc but I end up just sorting him out if you know what I mean and not looking after myself. To be honest I'd rather read a book, I love him very much and would like things to be back on track but just really don't feel like it....
Any thoughts??

Thx

biko

It seems it's not uncommon for women to loose their sex drive after giving birth. It does return though.
How old is your baby? Congrats btw!

http://www.drspock.com/faq/0,1511,6987,00.html
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/sexdelivery.htm

cuckoo

Off the top of my head - are you on the Pill? Forgive me if that is a silly question to ask someone who's breastfeeding. I'm asking as I know on some brands of the pill my sex drive was zero. Zip. Nada.

Other than that, you've mentioned tiredness - i know that when i'm tired i just want at most a quick cuddle, and then to be left alone for some sleep.

If you think it could be part and parcel having a young kid maybe the folks at the parenting forum could have an idea about this?

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/forumdisplay.php?f=251

And....maybe the mojo has just taken a holiday for no reason you can figure out, and it'll be back one day soon with a bit of colour, a pile of foreign coins and all rested and ready for action.

LadyE

Maybe try a zinc supplement? That hElps increase the sex drive.

I knwo exactly how you feel tho, its not an uncommon problem afetr having a baby, very frustrating tho!!!

dubman25

would you not consider asking the doctor and see what they reckon???its a common problem with women as im sure you are aware;)time will help you also and when the child gets older yous will have more time

Oryx

First off, yes the physical stuff takes a toll, and you do need to be rested and not under pressure to want to have sex. But as well as that, there is a mental side to your sex drive. Youre breastfeeding and dealing with your child so your head is in mammy mode. Its hard to switch that to 'sexy' mode, and imo it needs something to give it a shove back into gear. You need somehow to feel like a sexual person again, and not just a mum. I dont know what that would be for you, but Id imagine quality time for you either taking care of yourself physically (scented bathing, massage etc), or with your hb, might help.

Also, this may sound a bit ott, but.... masturbate. In my experience the more you exercise your libido the stronger it gets, and masturbation is something you totally control, you dont have to worry about body issues or getting someone else aroused, you just enjoy, without pressure.

Trinity

Its very normal, but very upsetting/annoying/frustrating etc

My baby is 9 months old and i'm still not right.

What i do find for me, is you have to be mentally stimulated. My OH doesnt seem to understand this as he can perform on demand, he sees a crack in a plate and hes off

If you can get a couple of hours to yourself have a bath, doll yourself so you feel sexy and attractive, it helps switch from mammy mode to i'm still a woman mode!!

caterpillargirl

Thanks for all your replies!!! My toddler is now 15 months old so we have not had much of a sex life for a long time. I was not one of those women who felt sexy during pregnancy either so i feel really sorry for hubby:rolleyes:
I guess it's one of those things, I am also wondering if it is because I'm getting older....my drive in my early 30's (I'm 32) is way less than in my 20's.

FYI i actually do masturbate so I know the drive is not completely buried.... but I'm just not really into sex esp the lengthy sessions that my husband likes! (I know all those ladies who have wham bam partners are rolling their eyes at me now!!!)

The other thing I guess I'm really afraid of is that I'm maybe falling out of attraction, when I was younger and had other sexual partners there was a huge element of thrill to it and thats not there anymore....

So maybe theres a few elements to this, but probably overall maybe I have been primarily a mother rather than a lover and i need to recapture this side of myself.

I'm also definately gonna stop at the health food store and buy some zinc!!!

Thanks again for your help!!

LouOB

A good nights sleep
A long walk
A full Hollywood
Relaxing massage
and plenty of time on your hands


(baby goes to a granny or nearest available person pronto)

Oryx

caterpillargirl wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies!!! My toddler is now 15 months old so we have not had much of a sex life for a long time. I was not one of those women who felt sexy during pregnancy either so i feel really sorry for hubby:rolleyes:

Have sex for you first and foremost. Feeling you have to out of pity is a sure passion killer.

I guess it's one of those things, I am also wondering if it is because I'm getting older....my drive in my early 30's (I'm 32) is way less than in my 20's.

My libido has increased out of all recognition in my 30s. Thank god.

FYI i actually do masturbate so I know the drive is not completely buried.... but I'm just not really into sex esp the lengthy sessions that my husband likes! (I know all those ladies who have wham bam partners are rolling their eyes at me now!!!)

Tell him that! If you know its going to be a fun quicky you might feel more up for it.

The other thing I guess I'm really afraid of is that I'm maybe falling out of attraction, when I was younger and had other sexual partners there was a huge element of thrill to it and thats not there anymore....

It happens, and once you recognise that, you have to work on other ways of building the thrill. Roleplay, fantasising, toys, dress up, whatever works.

So maybe theres a few elements to this, but probably overall maybe I have been primarily a mother rather than a lover and i need to recapture this side of myself.

Indeed. Do it for your fun. Shave your legs,:) do things that make you feel good quite apart from sex. Buy something to wear that makes you feel female!
Plan a night with hb where only you get to orgasm, and he has to work to that end. Take control of what happens, see if that helps!

Lil' Smiler

OP,

At least you've noticed this and want to do something about it. Maybe it is now that you've tried to help it that it's stressing you out.

Also, are you happy in yourself? The way that you look?your current lifestyle? etc?

I hope it cums *terrible pun* back soon!

Zaph

I think PI is more appropriate for this.

Moved from The Ladies Lounge

MJOR

it comes and goes..... Chin up nothing you can do but ride it out

LegacyUser

hi there,
just read your thread and I really know what you are talking about. I have been there and have shed the tears and now I have shed the worries. i was in asimilar situation. A baby and a toddler. I went to my GP who at the time i thought was being unreasonable and unsympathic but there is truth in what she said: first, stop trying to be 'super mum'... mother, lover, wife confidant, etc. She asked me a question that gave me a bit of fait in myself. Do i feel sexy and make love on holidays? YES! So to simplify it when we are away from the mumdane daiky routine with some sun in our lives you feel more turned on. I thought I was fridget! But now... my Oh reckons I am a nympho! I can't get enough! I think I have become more comfortable and accepting of my role as a wife and mother. It all sits well with me now. Do take time out to rediscover and to love yourself. you are most probably doing a fantastic job so don't dtress too much about things that are not exactly right. By the way I have also discovered Hollywoods! No going back there. It is amazing if you want to feel sexy in a secret way. Only you and your OH know so it adds abit of kinkiness to it. A few sex toys don't go astray either. You have to remember that you are not the woman you used to be. You have changed and developed but for the better. You are older and wiser and it is time to rediscover yourself and rediscover the magic that brought you together. If you are like me I found it was the starting off was hard. But once I got into it it was ok until eventualyy it became brilliant. I am 39 now and I can honestly say I am having the best sex of my life! But have faith and believe in yourself. It is still there.....have fun finding it! Expore conversations you have never had before, send sexy texts during the day to eachother. Women are not like men.... our switch needs to be turned on well before the action. We need TLC and a good build up.

Good luck

RealistSpy

AH congrate with the toddler.

Your sex drive is not gone. I think you are just stressed withg the baby and the husbands pressuring you for sex. Explain to him, you need a rest and I garantee after a while you will be up to no good again

Or their is a thing in the sex shop that can boost a woman . Good luck.

caterpillargirl

Just another thx for your replies!!
So now I'm going to get a hollywood as well as zinc!!
I think seeing it as something for me instead of just him is good advice too.

I don't know why this msg was moved here though cos although its personal, i do think its something that other ladies have obviously encountered or can give advice to....

Anyway thx again, i must say i do feel a bit better and am gonna try something at the weekend!!!!

MJOR

another thing that might help is buying some new undies and some sexy body lotion.....

LegacyUser

Just curious, whats a Hollywood?

Nevyn

A fanny wax.

Oryx

Thaedydal wrote: »

A fanny wax.

How poetically put.

Its removal of all pubic hair by waxing, as opposed to a brazillian which leaves a 'landing strip'. I think.

I love the term kitty cat wax, called so because its done to the rear regions with the client on all fours like a cat.

LegacyUser

Haha, oh right thanks. I thought it was some type of massage or position!