2 Years - Still not over him

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

My head is a bit of a mess at the moment and I'm looking for some advice.

My ex boyfriend broke up with me two years ago. We were going out/living together for 3 and a half years.
Without going into too much detail, he ended things in a cruel fashion and really broke my heart. I had
never felt pain like it. During the last two years we have hooked up many times, tried to work things out many
times, slept together many times, all to no avail. the bottom line is we don't work so we should just stop trying
and leave each other alone. For some reason though, after a few weeks or months of no contact, one of us will
always text or email the other and we end up meeting up for coffee which inevitably turns into kissing/sex.

I recently broke up with a guy I'd been seeing since Christmas. He's a great guy but my heart just wasn't in it so
I ended it. He has taken it really badly and is in bits. He's calling me in the middle of night, missing work cause he
can't get out of bed, not eating or sleeping, drinking heavily etc. I feel really bad for causing him such pain especially
since I took a similar course of action when I was heart broken. I'm not in love with him so for me this break up is easy
aside from feelings of slight loss and guilt.

It has however reminded me of my break up 2 years ago and suddenly all those feelings of rejection, pain, anger etc have
come flooding back. I feel like I've just had my heart broken and when my recent ex is calling me in bits telling me how much
I've hurt him, it's making me feel how I felt 2 years ago when I got dumped.

I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense, I'm trying my best to articulate what I mean. I'm suddenly really depressed over my original
ex. I'm waking up in the morning really low, my appetite is gone etc and all my friends think it's over my most recent ex. It's not
though.

How can I still be hurt by a break up that happened 2 years ago?? Most, if not all of my friends have been through breaks ups
and have healed within a few months. 2 years? It's ridiculous, especially since the guy was horrible to me - cheating, bullying,
minor physical abuse, ie punch in the arm, shaking me a few times.

What can I do to get over him?/ If time heals all wounds then why am I so weak after 2 years??

Sorry for the book length post, just feeling very blue..

MJOR

I am reallly sorry you feel this way OP. Nothing is worse than the physical pain of someone breaking your heart.

I think on some level you know what you need to do.... and that is finish all contact with both of these men.
Your ex is using you and treating you like his plaything, getting sex and affection from someone he abused.

Perhaps change your number and then neither of them can contact you.

Don't get into another relationship until your head is clear.
Good luck x

seamus

Breakups are a bereavement of sorts. You are losing someone who is a significant part of your life. Just like a death, if you don't give yourself time to grieve, then all you are doing is ignoring your feelings of loss, not actually dealing with them. This means that at times when you're low or otherwise unhappy, your ability to suppress these feelings is weakened and they flood back.

Of course, with break-ups it can be harder to confront your feelings of loss than with a death. In a break-up, the other party can keep coming back into your life and going again. This means that you can continually put off the need to deal with your feelings.

First and foremost, you need to cut off all contact with your ex. He's gone, the relationship is over, and you have nothing to gain by talking to him again. Delete his number, change yours if necessary. If he tries to contact you, ignore it. Or just tell him once, "I need to stop talking to you", and then ignore all further contact from him.

You need to keep telling yourself that you will never see him again, he's gone. This is hard and it hurts like hell, but the sooner you face up to it, the sooner you can move on. Your mates all seem to get over relationships within a couple of months because they've faced up to reality. You haven't, you've simply denied it.

Try to connect more with your friends. When you're feeling down or in need of some company, get used to turning to your mates for it and resist the urge to pick up the phone and ring your ex.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

Breakups are a bereavement of sorts. You are losing someone who is a significant part of your life. Just like a death, if you don't give yourself time to grieve, then all you are doing is ignoring your feelings of loss, not actually dealing with them. This means that at times when you're low or otherwise unhappy, your ability to suppress these feelings is weakened and they flood back.

Of course, with break-ups it can be harder to confront your feelings of loss than with a death. In a break-up, the other party can keep coming back into your life and going again. This means that you can continually put off the need to deal with your feelings.

First and foremost, you need to cut off all contact with your ex. He's gone, the relationship is over, and you have nothing to gain by talking to him again. Delete his number, change yours if necessary. If he tries to contact you, ignore it. Or just tell him once, "I need to stop talking to you", and then ignore all further contact from him.

You need to keep telling yourself that you will never see him again, he's gone. This is hard and it hurts like hell, but the sooner you face up to it, the sooner you can move on. Your mates all seem to get over relationships within a couple of months because they've faced up to reality. You haven't, you've simply denied it.

Try to connect more with your friends. When you're feeling down or in need of some company, get used to turning to your mates for it and resist the urge to pick up the phone and ring your ex.

Wow, that hit home really hard. Thank you for such insightful advice. After reading that I felt this surge of positivity.
I know what I have to do. You are right about me being in denial. Even when my ex would call me and ask me to
meet up but then cancel at the last minute as I'm walking into the bar where I'm suppossed to meet him, I'd convince
myself that it was because he loves me and is confused by the depth of his feelings. Ha! Chnaces are he just couldn't
be bothered or he got his rocks off at the weekend so had no need to meet me!

It's just hard to accept that somebody who you once lived with and were so close to can suddenly be like a stranger and
you essentially meet up and have a one night stand with them. Urg, it's horrible but I guess that's life. He doesn't love me,
hasn't loved me for years and I need to get over it. My most recent ex loved me so much so I'm not unlovable.

Thanks you, feel better already. Boards rocks for advice and giving you a good kick up the arse.

Miss Fluff

Whysoweak wrote: »

During the last two years we have hooked up many times, tried to work things out many
times, slept together many times, all to no avail. the bottom line is we don't work so we should just stop trying
and leave each other alone. For some reason though, after a few weeks or months of no contact, one of us will
always text or email the other and we end up meeting up for coffee which inevitably turns into kissing/sex.

You've answered your own question OP. As painful as the prospect of severing contact is, the longer you remain in contact, the longer it prevents you from finding happiness, either with yourself or indeed with any potential partner. This guy, you admit yourself, was cruel and heartless. Why go back for more if all his actions to date have demonstrated he does not have your best interests at heart? Give yourself a break OP, you deserve better. Make a decision and stick to it, have nothing more to do with this loser. The longer this goes on the longer time you are missing out on happiness and fulfillment.

Aurora Borealis

It can take a long long time to get over someone you loved, especially if there are things left unsaid, hurt etc. I’m all for salvaging friendships from close connections like that otherwise what’s the point meeting people at all but I stress friendship i.e. platonic not sexual. Maybe for some that works post relationship but I don’t see how it can, nor do I think all parties are truly being honest about what they really want in such situations.

My point is the moment you stopped sleeping with your ex is the moment you actually began trying to get over him so in essence the time since you broke up is significantly less than the two years since you officially went your separate ways. A friend of mine played that game with an ex for a good two years on/off after they officially split and it wasn’t until she stopped that she began starting to move on. Your sleeping with him has slowed your recovery process if you like but you will get there and as already advised try not to get into another relationship until you’re really ready as all too often rebounds (which is essentially what they are if you’re still not over your last one) hurt one or both people involved.

LegacyUser

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

It can take a long long time to get over someone you loved, especially if there are things left unsaid, hurt etc. I’m all for salvaging friendships from close connections like that otherwise what’s the point meeting people at all but I stress friendship i.e. platonic not sexual. Maybe for some that works post relationship but I don’t see how it can, nor do I think all parties are truly being honest about what they really want in such situations.

My point is the moment you stopped sleeping with your ex is the moment you actually began trying to get over him so in essence the time since you broke up is significantly less than the two years since you officially went your separate ways. A friend of mine played that game with an ex for a good two years on/off after they officially split and it wasn’t until she stopped that she began starting to move on. Your sleeping with him has slowed your recovery process if you like but you will get there and as already advised try not to get into another relationship until you’re really ready as all too often rebounds (which is essentially what they are if you’re still not over your last one) hurt one or both people involved.

Beautifully put, thank you.

That's the thing, he has all the control in this. He says lets meet and I always say yes but if I ask him to meet while he'll often say yes, he'll just as often say no. It's only when HE feels like it.

I'm not short of offers either, I happen to be very attractive but I want the one guy who doesn't want me. I can't seem to be flattered by the fact that other men tell me I'm beautiful, it only matters when he says it.

Stupid really.

Dragan

Whysoweak wrote: »

I'm not short of offers either, I happen to be very attractive but I want the one guy who doesn't want me. I can't seem to be flattered by the fact that other men tell me I'm beautiful, it only matters when he says it.

Stupid really.

Not stupid, just human. Take some time to yourself, get confident in yourself again.

As Seamus said cut off all contact with the ex ( i would say both of them ) and just go about getting on with your life.

Your first mistake was not giving yourself room to heal after the initial break up. Don't replicate it and see how you feel a few months down the line.:)

MJOR

You have to do this on your terms it'll be hard but you'll do it. There is nobody worth feeling like this over....

You know you have great qualities he is the ONLY thing dragging you down girl

Aurora Borealis

Whysoweak wrote: »

Beautifully put, thank you.

That's the thing, he has all the control in this. He says lets meet and I always say yes but if I ask him to meet while he'll often say yes, he'll just as often say no. It's only when HE feels like it.

I'm not short of offers either, I happen to be very attractive but I want the one guy who doesn't want me. I can't seem to be flattered by the fact that other men tell me I'm beautiful, it only matters when he says it.

Stupid really.

Not stupid, just further testament to the fact that you’re not fully over him yet. You will get there. I’ve said this many times but we all deserve someone who wants you purely for you not because they a) want a shag, b) are scared your interest might be waning or c) someone else might be interested. That’s what love is, the rest are just game playing.