Family in denial to how bad things are!

Familyprobs

Hey all! Ive been a long term reader of this section and have just about, albeit as anon plucked up the courage to post here! Im not sure if im looking for advice or just want to offload my story but if anyone has any words of wisdom please share!

Its such a long story, so ill try to be as brief as i can.

Basically, my story relates to my mother who up until i was 13 or so (im 29 now) was a vibrant, happy go lucky woman in herself, but i never ever felt close to her,why i dont know. My dad, who i adore to bits is a complex man. As a dad hes fantastic but as a husband a complete nightmare, controlling, domineering with a wicked short temper. Their relationship as far as i always perceived it was one of my mam never standing up for herself and gradually drifting into a long term depression..16 years now.

My confusion lies with the fact that ever since i was teenager shes been in and out of every pyschiatric hospital going,has been given every available treatment option a person with depression can get but over this whole period of time they still "stay together". Ive lost count of the amount of suicide attempts that ive witnessed her do, which left both me and my sister resenting her and we're now at the stage as adults where there is little or no communication. It honestly became so normal that a call saying "youre mothers overdosed again" was like hearing the weather forecast. Both me and my sister have become so numb to this behaviour it actually scares me.

Now, the crux for me is...my dads side of the family are great and my mothers couldnt care less. The behaviour in the house is so unnatural its become normal if this makes sense. Our whole family is in denial in the state that we're in that i lie awake worrying about the future. Dont get me wrong i dont blame my dad, well slightly but this has consumed our family so much for most of my life that when i think of the future looking after her when dads gone i feel sick. My sister will walk away from her completely when she can afford her own place and i know ill will always be stuck with the guilt of not abandoning my mother. She sits in her room all day long, smoking the cigarettes that shes had to ask 20 times for that day, barely washes and the glamorous, energetic woman i knew when i was a kid is totally gone. I always wonder how people get into situations like these but when you're there witnessing it it almost feels like some of the stuff you see isnt really happening.

I dont really know what to do at this stage...the situation at home is always on my mind and its so unnervingly bad at times i want to disown them all but know i never will. I know theres no advice anyone can give but has anyone ever walked away from a bad family siutation and never looked back?

Wagon

You're dad isn't a good dad. You should wake up to that. He's pretty damn lousy to be honest. Now he may have been great to you and your sister and was there for you and has kept you all afloat financially but he's also been a major factor in your mother's depression (which you have grown to resent her for) and has been making her life miserable for years. Your dad is obviously not telling the whole story to his family as i believe they would have killed him if they found out what he was doing. Part of being a good father is to create a happy home, treating everyone (especially his wife) good and loving his whole family. The situation he has created, where your mother's frequent suicide attempts are now seen as normal, is completely inexcusable.

On the other hand, your mother should have left him years ago. She needs your help badly, please don't turn against her. Be there for her. Talking to her and just being with her will do the world of good to her confidence, which she has been missing for most of her adult life.

girl2

My God, this is horrendous. I feel so sad that you and your sister have went through a childhood / early adulthood with such behaviours going on.

Firstly I think that your mother needs to be looked at by some professional. Clearly things are not working for her. Is she on medication, seeing a counsellor, is there any community mental health service involvement? I would really worry about her behaviour.....which is never going to get better under the current circumstances.

Your father, I think, needs help too. Does he love your mother? Does he want to be there?

I find this very worrying indeed.

I think really something you need to think about ultimately is that you and your sister need to become removed from this. Otherwise this will eat into every other relationship you have with other people in your life. The life you are leading is not normal and you have to experience some normality of some sort. Is there any way you and your sister can move out and get a place together? Or live with any of the relatives that you have?

Your mother's suicide attempts are baffling. After so many, (sorry to be so blunt) but you would think that she would get it right?? And there is the serious risk that one of these times ahead that she will get it right. Are these cries for help or what is going on?

I think the seriousness of this situation needs to really be looked at.

Please try and get out of this. You have your own life, and you need to live it. Everything going on at home is out of your control......and youre not going to fix it. Try and fix your own life and help your sister fix hers.

Best best wishes.

Looby_Loo

That is a very sad situation to have grown up in. I am presuming/ hoping that your mother is attending a psychiatrist. Maybe a referral to Family Therapy, either as a complete family unit or seperately could be organised. They can work wonders with malfunctioning family relationships

Dabko

Wagon wrote: »

On the other hand, your mother should have left him years ago. She needs your help badly, please don't turn against her. Be there for her. Talking to her and just being with her will do the world of good to her confidence, which she has been missing for most of her adult life.

I think i have to disagree with the comment here about "she needs you help badly". This is only gonna screw with OP's mind more. Believe me, she (OP) doesn't need to feel more guilt for not being able to do anything for a situation thats already out of her hands.

Original poster - go and have a chat with someone professional. It will help you gain positive perspective on the situation and let you grab the bull by the horns. And talk to your sister, you will never know how much it can help both of you.

smile

Familyprobs

Thanks for your replies! Ive been loggin in and out since i posted half dreading the responses and half welcoming them. I know out of the little bit of info ive posted its impossible to see the overall picture, but i kinda just wrote without thinking and surprised myself with what i wrote tbh.

Yeh, the "situation", the only thing i can call is completely out of control, it has been for soooo long and yeh it has affected me immensely, although im the typical "im grand, everythings grand" type of person to everyone whos knows me but yet have never had a long term relationship with a guy..surprise there!

My dad is a good dad, a fantastic dad to me..but i feel as his daughter ive been too involved in his life and my mams for so long i dont know how to separate myself and my involvement. (God its sooo therapeutic actually writing this down).
My mam has been to endless counsellors, pysciatrists, doctors, day centres (its 16 years later)...and the resentment from me has built up along (i was a teenager when this started) with the guilt.
This has been a vicious circle and what kills me most is i adore my sister and all we've ever known is this crap...while gettin on with our lives..im 29 shes 26 and sometimes i feel like we're still kids as we've never had a break from the whole thing.
Ah...id better stop goin on here...ive never actually wrote this down properly and once ive started..eh..i might be here all night! Dont know what the answer is..all i want to know is how to resolve the anger,unbelieveable frustration and resentment i feel towards both my parents at this stage!

Wurly

Familyprobs wrote: »

(God its sooo therapeutic actually writing this down).

Having grown up in a family situation myself that was a complete pile of arse, I too found writing therapeutic.

You've discovered some form of an outlet which is good. When you get overwhelmed by all of this, write it down. Rip it up afterwards.

Good luck. I feel for you.xx

Familyprobs

Cheers Tri..i feel weird but good wafflin to complete strangers on the net about this, but in a strange way its good to hear yeh "its not normal", but then what is?? I have a great job, deadly apartment, loads of friends etc but if i was in a cartoon id have this big black bubble hangin over me that i cant get rid of..!
I always say " ah sure everyone has a thing" in their lives, mine isnt really that bad..but i love my family to bits,but know the chaos that most people have isnt like ours at all...there isnt a solution! Thanks a milll again for respondin

oil painting

hi op,i have been where you are and i am around the same age as you too!

i think you should go and see a therapist yourself for some support,it is the best way for you to release all of the injustice in your past because other wise you carry the baggage around with you forever and if you are trying to attract a mate you will prob choose someone with similar relationship traits that you are used to,so breaking the cycle is very important....

i have no contact with my dad now and just recently after 6yrs with my mum we are barely talking through text. I have learned how to stand on my own 2 feet and not be part of a chaotic family which drains the life out of you,i am sooo much happier now in my own home with a savage boyfriend!...

it all starts with baby steps,but you need to start putting yourself first and try and face the guilt and emotions which are arising in you. You will be suprised how much you mum can actually cope on her own and how much she needs to try,but right now you are feeling responsible for her,which is understandable.

also i think your mum is depressed for a reason,all the answers prob lie in her childhood and it is often interesting to find out as much info as you can about your parents childhoods because they both attracted each other for a reason and it can help with seeing why your mum is the way she is.

at the moment you have taken the first step and there is no pressure to do anything but wake up tomorrow and try survive another day.

It is all you know right now so detaching at your own pace is very important,do seek out a good therapist for yourself,i have been going for a couple of years and i have built my life up to exactly where i want to be. My parents are stil miserable,so if i had of stayed around them still i would just have shrivilled up and died and waisted another 6 years,and i feel i am more capable of being there for people now that i have healed from my past.

well done for being there for your sis and parents,you sound like a tower of strenght-now put that strength into you! xxxx

MagicMarker

Gotta agree that your dad seems very responsible for this.

You say that your family are in denial about the whole thing, where as you seem to be in denial about what the causes are for your mother turning out this way.

Beruthiel

Children are not responsible for their parents problems.
I would never in a million years expect my daughter to feel responsible for mine.
You do not have a child for that reason.
We all get one life to lead, it's up to each one of us to decide how we live it.

as a husband a complete nightmare, controlling, domineering with a wicked short temper.

Living with this day in and day out for years on end would kill the spirit of the strongest among us.
Your father may be a great dad but he's a lousy husband with no respect for your mother. Cleary she should have left him years ago for the sake of her own sanity.
Either way, the situation is dreadful for all of you.

However, you can only do so much. Until your mother takes the decision to do something about her life, nothing will change. All you are expected to do is go visit her on a regular basis so she knows her kids love her.

You have to protect yourself, go see a professional, you need to talk through this with someone who can give you the skills to cope with it.
Go live your life and make it as happy as possible.
Best of luck.

karen3212

I agree with other people here OP, you need to get help for yourself first, even if it's just a sharing thing with people in a similar situation to your own. Your sister probably needs it too, but may not realize it yet.

I can't really imagine how you are feeling, but as I'm growing up I am begining to treat my Parents more like friends than just parents.

If a friend of mine was in a similar situation to your mother then I would try and let her know that she was welcome to go on holiday with me anytime she liked, welcome to stay with me as long as she needed anytime etc..

You can't fix someone with depression but you can let them know you still love them, and undertand that they are only human.

As I've said though, I can't really imagine what I'd do if I was in the same situation, but I think you need to share how you feel with others in a similar situation.

Good luck

p

I think you should talk to your sister about this. Maybe write down what you've written down here about how you feel and ask her to read it. You could also do a similar thing with your Dad and maybe even your mam.

It seems like noone's talking about it because it's probably just easier. The important thing for you is to try remain strong. You may never 'fix' your mam, but what you can do, is to start seeing her as a person, not just your mam, and try have some kind of relationship with her as a person. I'd personally believe that if you spend only a small amount of time with her each week/month and build that up it will be great for her. But make each time genuine, and not a chore. You've mentioned you've a lot of resentment built up, and I can understand that, so this might be one avenue to explore.

Good luck - and remember if you're talking to anyone to tell them how much you care, rather than being judgemental. I hope you can improve your situation somewhat, it's good that you're looking at things like this now. Now you're an adult with your own life you can look at things from a different perspective and maybe create some positive change in your family.

mom46

I think your Mam needs help and support along with love from you and your sis. As someone who was married to a bullying control freak, who emotionally and mentally wore me down, my heart goes out to your Mother. Its so easy to loose confidence, self-worth,self-esteem when its happening on a daily basis. It took me 23 years to break away and I have never been happier and content. Did you stop to think that maybe your mam had no support or help and had young children, and when you were a child there would have been very little support services for her.
Your Dad is a major contributor to the way your Mam is, any spouse living with this over so many years, either finds the courage to leave or as in your Mam's case gives up totally. Yes get yourself some help, as your sis. But If I can do it after 23 years, with the right help and support maybe your Mam can also. And it is more common than you realise abuse comes in many forms not just physical.

Beruthiel

This is an old thread.
Don't drag any more of them up.
B