Confused

LegacyUser

I am a married man with two kids; both my wife and I are in our thirties and have been together since we were 20. We have been married for 12 years.

The thing is I love my wife but I am not in love with her if you get my drift? She is a great person and very loving to me and our kids but over the last few years I have come to terms with they fact that I am just not in love with her anymore.

I have never told anyone about how I feel and there is defiantly nobody else involved but I am getting more and more upset in myself living with this secret.

The last thing I want to do is hurt my family but do I just live with it for the rest of my life or do I come clean and let her know how I feel knowing it would break her hearth ?

I know some of you will probable say we should have a romantic weekend away or dinners out but I honestly feel I am past that making any different.

So have any of you been in the same board either now are in the past?

ntlbell

If you have are 100% sure there is no future then let her go...

It won't be easy for you or the kids, but you can't give up both your future happiness you will start resenting been in the relationship and the kids will pick up on it.

Be honest with her tell her how you feel, maybe try a counselor. but you are both young you can both go on to find love and as long as you keep good relationship with the herself and the kids it can work out with a bit of effort.

Storm_rages

sorry not going to be of much help advice wise but i will say you are still very young (so is your wife) and if you really feel you have given it your best shot maybe it is time for a change.. but make sure you have done everything possible before you give up

Wibbs

Maybe I'm gonna sound old fashioned, but there is a lot of tosh bandied about around the whole love thing. All too often the "ah just leave him or her" is fired out as the answer to everything and tbh if there was abuse or fighting or a serious issue like that I'd be joining in. Double quick.

Now you say you love her but are not in love with her. How does this manifest itself to you? Are you not sexually attracted to her anymore? Or have you no interest at all? If it's "just" the sex angle you can work to get that back, or at least try. Now you say the romantic/dirty weekend away holds no appeal, but have you tried that recently.

What about counseling? Would you consider that? Does she know how you feel or even have an inkling about how you feel. Have you stopped really talking and are just in the routine of marriage? I'm not saying these are answers that you need to get out here, but they are questions you need to ask yourself.

You have a family and a life built on many years with this person. You do really need to step back and think about the steps that are healthy for you, her and your children. Of course no one wants to be in a loveless marriage, but if you do love her even as a friend and because of the years and life shared, then you owe it to both of you to see if you can get back from this.

At least if you try you can move on from that. If you don't exhaust all options then I'll warrant you'll live to regret it. My 2cents anyhoo.

biko

Can you still see yourself in the relationship OP? Or are you looking for a way out?
You could still see the children after a separation, it all depends on how well you and your wife get on.
Your children should be your first prio, then you, then your wife (in my opinion). She'll be ok as long as you both make an effort towards the kids with money/schools/babysitting etcetera. And you are civil.

Marksie

Nope: romantic meals/weekends away wont do it OP.
The nature of love changes over time, it is however when peopel juts get too familiar with each other that this becomes an issue.

It is eminently possible to redisciver the spark you once had if you are willing to do so. There are quite a few ways of doing it.
If you are not willing to do so, then you have to make a decision to stay or go.
In the end thats your choice and should be made cosncsiously and not based on feelings that could be turned around

Trinity

ntlbell wrote: »

If you have are 100% sure there is no future then let her go...

It won't be easy for you or the kids, but you can't give up both your future happiness you will start resenting been in the relationship and the kids will pick up on it.

Be honest with her tell her how you feel, maybe try a counselor. but you are both young you can both go on to find love and as long as you keep good relationship with the herself and the kids it can work out with a bit of effort.

I agree. I dont think anyone here is telling you to pack your bags and go this minute but after you have put the necessary work into it, and give it all you've got, and you still say its not working, I am not happy, then what other option do you have.

Staying together for the sake of the kids is not always the answer, breaking up a family is probably the hardest thing you ever have to do. My parents are still together but i remember when i was younger, part of me wishing they would break up, at least they might be happy separately, instead of unhappy together and us caught in the middle.

Give it one more try, talk to her, tell her how you feel, but be gentle, no-one wants to hear those words, i'm not in love with you, especially when they have done nothing wrong. But best to be honest before, as ntlbell suggested, resentment kicks in.

Abi

Marksie wrote: »

Nope: romantic meals/weekends away wont do it OP.
The nature of love changes over time, it is however when peopel juts get too familiar with each other that this becomes an issue.

It is eminently possible to redisciver the spark you once had if you are willing to do so. There are quite a few ways of doing it.
If you are not willing to do so, then you have to make a decision to stay or go.
In the end thats your choice and should be made cosncsiously and not based on feelings that could be turned around

+1

Pretty much what I was going to say. I think that maybe its not as cut-and-dry as ending the marraige. I look on marraige as I'd look at the up-keep of a car, it keeps maintenance to keep it running well.

If you love her, it might be worth putting the effort in by the way of marraige councelling. It might not appeal, considering you are about ready to jack it in, but ending the marraige should only be done in the event of having exhausted all efforts of revival. To me it looks like you've lost your way a bit.

For all you know, she may feel the same way at the moment. Loves you, but something is gone. Every day life and stresses take their toll on relationships married or not married.

If it were me, I wouldnt give up so quickly.

cute_cow

You need to be honest with her, for all you know she could be feeling the same way. If you really feel there is no future, try and talk to her. I understand there are kids involved, however for their sake you need to do whats right.

If you stay with her eventually you will become resentful and this will turn into hate, in the long term this will make it worse.

Romantic weekends etc are out, they will not help at all. You need to tell her your feelings, making sure you take your kids feelings into accounts too.

Hope everything turns out ok.