My bf is a tool.

Curio · 07-07-2008 1:17pm #1

I hadn't planned on posting this, but it's either I get it down on paper/screen or continue muttering to myself at my desk at work...not going down well with the collegues..;) I'm angry. Just a tad.

So here's the story.
Have been seeing my bf for two years. We get on great, despite the fact that we are quite different, I can safely say that he's the first guy I've really trusted. Both of us are usually up the walls with work, but we make an effort to see as much of each other as possible. Lately, have felt that I am making a lot of the effort - calling around to his place rather than him calling to mine etc. Don't really have a problem with it. I like to live in the here and now and know that of late, he has had a lot more on than I have (workwise and study) so I have no problem making more of an effort.

Now, I'm independent and like my own space, which gets on his nerves a little. (cannot figure out why, for the life of me) That said, I never push him away or don't make time for him.

Last week I had a family bereavement that completely threw me. When I got the news on Monday, I texted him at work and he said he would call around that night. I didnt get home (work is a bastard) until around 10.30pm and texted him to see if he was still calling around. Allegedly he had fallen asleep. While he replied to the txt, it was clear that he didnt really want to bother (without him actually saying it) Was a bit pissed off initially, but I let it go. Had to go home for a few days for that and it was a hellish week all round.
Was back at work on Friday (unexpectedly). Rang my bf to see if we could meet up that evening as I had to leave again the following morning. He had made plans but agreed to come around to my place that night. He said he would drop me a text when he was on the way around in case I was asleep.

He didnt turn up. Didnt send a text and didnt get in touch with me at all.:mad: I was fairly gutted as I was on a low ebb and really needed to see him before having to head back home and deal with a distressed family etc. Thing is, he knows I am easy going about these things, if he had rang or texted and just said he wouldnt be calling around, it wouldnt be an issue.

What galls me completely, is that I havent heard a word from him all weekend. Not even a text.

Part of me knows that if any girl outlined what has happened to me this weekend, I would be raging and telling her to walk away, that she deserves better. Yet, I havent taken my own advice.

I might be quite independent, but he is in no doubt that I care about him and need him. It just killed me that the one time that I really needed him there for me, he wasnt. I suppose you could say that I am disappointed. Yep - thats the word for it. Disappointed.

So anyway - it's Monday - he just texted to say hello. Hell hath no fury like the text I want to reply with, but am trying to rein myself in. Am clearly not seeing the wood for the trees, but how do I reply to this one?

This is not the first time he has let me down like this. I'm not one for arguing about petty crap, but I did have it out with him before about this kind of thing.

So the question is - do I show him the door or is that just a dramatic overreaction?
Other question - is the guy just a complete tool, or just a stooopid guy (no offence intended)?? (I'm veering towards (A) myself). As I said, I'm a tad angry.

kmick · 07-07-2008 1:23pm

He's a tool. Sounds to me like he is not that interested. Only you can decide if you want to stay together with him. Maybe just dont bother texting him back. see how he likes it?

RedXIV · 07-07-2008 1:24pm

see i'm sure there's LOADS in this situation that if i knew, it'd change my opinion BUT from what you've put down so far, you have a right to be upset with him. Relationships are about being there for the good and the bad and most people don't know how strong their relationships are until they hit the bad.

But that said, i wouldn't bite his head off in the text, that will put him straight on the defensive and he'll probably refrain from replying again, just as he did over the weekend. Ask him to meet you and when you get him in person THEN discuss it. Very hard to forget to respond to someone when they are right in front of you.

Best of luck OP

Red

MJOR · 07-07-2008 1:25pm

Well what he did was inconsiderate and selfish but maybe you should print out the post and show it to him.

He needs to pull up his socks in my view.

The thing that would get on my goat is the lack of contact.....
He may have been giving you space? I doubt it though.

Have a big chat with him.... Give him a second chance

dr.bollocko · 07-07-2008 1:28pm

Sounds to me like you are hiding controlling behaviour behind your feigned aloofness.
Despite your requested independence, you are demanding attention from your boyfriend based on a timetable that you have put together.
Sure he could have texted you back, sure he could have got in touch. But it doesnt sound like you communicated your needs to him in anyway except the secret girl code that guys do not know. Why not actually call him and talk to him rather than requesting his presence at X time or his texts at Y time.
The failure of communication is on both sides.

dudara · 07-07-2008 1:35pm

You need to talk to him about how you would have liked his support during this tough time. If you've been going out 2 years, then he should have realised that anyway, but maybe an old kick up the backside will help.

TBH, I'd expect any other half to at least be considerate enough to stay in contact, even if they couldn't be there.

Is not talking, (never even mind texting which I don't consider a serious form of communicating), for about a week normal in your relationship?

Marksie · 07-07-2008 1:36pm

Did you explain to him why you needed to see him?
Was he ware of how you were feeling and is it normal for him to wander off at weekends?

Did you make any effort to contact him over the weekend?

Well fi it is a biggie for you then its your choice to show him the door, I am sure there are more effective and less destructive ways yu hacve of getting your point across though

Singer73 · 07-07-2008 1:39pm

'secret girl code'?? wtf are you talking about? A family bereavement does not need any sort of code - he should be insisting on being there for you, holding your hand, waiting at home for you. Life is not all we want it to be - he should be able to forego his own time just for a while. I don't think it is much to ask.
All that being said, rather than stew in your own juices, you have to ask him what his motivations are in this relationship. Is he just in it for the crack, or does he see himself as your emotional partner too? Give him a quick chance to grow up, but don't be waiting around...

stillhere08 · 07-07-2008 1:40pm

I have to say that the relationship you have described comes across as being very cold and lacking in intimacy, maybe that is the way a lot of couples are today, when something a bit difficult comes along the other person is not there for you... I think you deserve a lot better

dr.bollocko · 07-07-2008 1:41pm

You are taking a lot of stock in what is one side of a two sided argument to err on the side of the OP automatically. I stand by my comment.

Curio · 07-07-2008 1:45pm

On the contrary, there was no request for X or Y time or anything else. I simply asked him if he would call in that night before I had to leave again the following morning. He said sure. It's pretty black and white. I even remember saying to him that there was no hassle if it was very late or that, just to drop me a text when and if he was calling.

SnowMonkey · 07-07-2008 1:48pm

op you sound controlling..

very well to me you do. that's but mellow out a little ok. He's busy in work and hes probably tired from work.

It sounds like there's a lot of minogamy in your releation ship from what You've said.
That would bore me or maybe your like the other dude whos gf just bitches to much but you just talk about stuff way tomuch and dont know how to chill.

Maybe beacuse of your "independent nature" which sounds a little unindependant its bugging him your the one aranging everything. not him hows that independent..

and speaking from a not so motivated persons point of veiw maybe you need to chill out just a little that or let loose.. I..e get away from work for a weekend and party really really HARD and let go....

dr.bollocko · 07-07-2008 1:48pm

So you are scheduling all of the communication? Calling him? Texting him?
Is there any contact back on his side?

Curio · 07-07-2008 1:51pm

dr.bollocko wrote: »

You are taking a lot of stock in what is one side of a two sided argument to err on the side of the OP automatically. I stand by my comment.

Well, thats the reason I posted. I want honest opinions.
You mentioned aloofness. I don't think I'm aloof, but I do know I'm a tad on the indepenent side. Does that mean that we never see each other and I am always off doing my own thing? Nope. We see a lot of each other. That said, if I wasnt able to stand on my own two feet, I wouldnt have coped with him being abroad for six months for work which he was last year. We trust each other because it would never work otherwise.

That said, I am a complete disastor for having it out when something like this is bugging me.
I tend to keep it to myself. However, on this occasion, I better get off the fence and sort it out.

Curio · 07-07-2008 1:54pm

dudara wrote: »

You need to talk to him about how you would have liked his support during this tough time. If you've been going out 2 years, then he should have realised that anyway, but maybe an old kick up the backside will help.

TBH, I'd expect any other half to at least be considerate enough to stay in contact, even if they couldn't be there.

Is not talking, (never even mind texting which I don't consider a serious form of communicating), for about a week normal in your relationship?

Not at all. It's quite unusual actually. I just decided when he was a no-show on Friday night that I would hold off getting in touch just to see how long it took him to get back...Monday afternoon. Is he trying to break some secret record or something?

Just don't get it.

dr.bollocko · 07-07-2008 1:54pm

I wouldnt say independent. I would think that you are displaying a controlling nature and that he isn't towing the line enough for you and that is the cause of your anger.
And as for getting off the fence, look at the title of the thread and tell me that you are on the fence about this issue in any way. Realise that you are letting your anger win out without even giving the guy the benefit of explaining the situation to him.

Curio · 07-07-2008 1:56pm

dr.bollocko wrote: »

So you are scheduling all of the communication? Calling him? Texting him?
Is there any contact back on his side?

Normally it's pretty much fifty-fifty. Fair enough - men and women react differently to different situations... however a slow monkey would have had the sense to drop a one-liner text on Sat to clear the air! I know that's what I would have done.

Marksie · 07-07-2008 1:56pm

dr.bollocko wrote: »

You are taking a lot of stock in what is one side of a two sided argument to err on the side of the OP automatically. I stand by my comment.

I would tend to agree with that here, its a PI thing though.

But With a bereavement and the like, ceratainly i would be more present for them. Not necessarily camped outside rushing to hold hands, but they would know i was there.
It may be symptomatic of the relationship and the way it jhas been conducted over the two years.

Curio wrote: »

On the contrary, there was no request for X or Y time or anything else. I simply asked him if he would call in that night before I had to leave again the following morning. He said sure. It's pretty black and white. I even remember saying to him that there was no hassle if it was very late or that, just to drop me a text when and if he was calling.

Not black and white and hard to judge effectively but if you did use the words when and if then its open to a ceratin degree of interpretation... i.e if he aint coming over not to bother.
Plus if you kept it simple then how was he to assume it was anything other than business as usual?
garnted he may have been more aware, but you may have been more forthcoming... did you at any time tell him you had a ****ty week and would appreciate his presence?

Communication issue all around then

PS..texting is not good for communicaton, its should be outlawed

Curio · 07-07-2008 1:59pm

Marksie wrote: »

I would tend to agree with that here, its a PI thing though.

But With a bereavement and the like, ceratainly i would be more present for them. Not necessarily camped outside rushing to hold hands, but they would know i was there.
It may be symptomatic of the relationship and the way it jhas been conducted over the two years.

Not black and white and hard tio judge effectively but if you did y#use the words when and if then its open to a ceratin degree of interpretaion... i.e if he aint coming over not to bother.
Pklus if you kept it simple then how was he to assume it was anything other than business as usual?
garnted he may have been more aware, but you may have been more forthcoming... did you at any time tell him you had a ****ty week and would appreciate his presence?

Communictaion issue all around then

D'you know Marksie, I think I used those exact words! 'I've had the week from hell. Will you call around tonight?''Okay, just text me when you are on the way over'
Oh so black and white.

That said I take your point - I suppose we must have some communication issues even though I didnt think we did. The fun.

muppetkiller · 07-07-2008 1:59pm

2 year relationship ...and you communicate by text ?

Anyway on a side note yes he was very rude not to reply and deserves a right ear-full if it was a normal relationship.
But it seems to me you're independance for the last two years may be the reason he's not in touch.
He's obviously made no effort for the past two years with you controlling the show and when you needed him for once he didn't pick up on it.
Is the relation a close family member ? os is it someone like a great gran aunt , or someone you've never mentioned before...Maybe he just thinks it's not a big deal...
Either way he sounds like he's not worth the effort...

How Strange · 07-07-2008 2:01pm

Marksie wrote: »

Did you explain to him why you needed to see him?
Was he ware of how you were feeling and is it normal for him to wander off at weekends?
Did you make any effort to contact him over the weekend?

This is what I thought too when I read the post.

OP, your post is contradictory. You say more than once you're a very independent sort of person yet you expected your bf to be there for you on Monday and Friday evening and he let you down (allegedly).

I'm a very independent person, some people would say I am fiercely independent. Here's the thing I've learned the hard way - people aren't mind readers. If you project yourself as an independent person who likes to keep their lives separate from others when it suits them then you can't blame those people around you for not coming running when you feel you need them.

Bottom line OP - you have to communicate what it is you need from people. Did you unequivocally tell your bf on Monday or Friday that you were having a bad time and you needed him to call around? Was he made fully aware that you wanted him to be there for you and you needed his support?

I don't think your bf is a tool. I think that perhaps you didn't communicate how you felt to him and then you berate him for not being psychic and rushing to be at your side when you need him.

Give the guy a break. You've been together 2 years and this is all his fault and you're the victim and you're ready just to dump him over this. I think as well as being independent, you're most probably idealistic and if things don't come up to scratch you won't tolerate it.

Relationships don't work like that, if you project yourself as the independent person who needs no-one then don't be suprised when people don't come running when you're in a crisis. Why? Because they think you don't need them or their support.

Marksie · 07-07-2008 2:05pm

Curio wrote: »

Not at all. It's quite unusual actually. I just decided when he was a no-show on Friday night that I would hold off getting in touch just to see how long it took him to get back...Monday afternoon. Is he trying to break some secret record or something? Just don't get it.

Tats something you had to work on then A) His non communication and

your lets see how long it will take

Curio wrote: »

however a slow monkey would have had the sense to drop a one-liner text on Sat to clear the air! I know that's what I would have done.

Well you pretty muhc know now thats what he wont do.

Curio wrote: »

D'you know Marksie, I think I used those exact words! 'I've had the week from hell. Will you call around tonight?''Okay, just text me when you are on the way over'
Oh so black and white. .

Well its clearer

.. seems to be he has to work on that

Curio wrote: »

That said I take your point - I suppose we must have some communication issues even though I didnt think we did. The fun.

Yep, he isn't aware (or in a snit for some reason) and you shuldn't go for the olympic "how long will it take for the fool to contact me" gold medal

Curio · 07-07-2008 2:19pm

How Strange wrote: »

This is what I thought too when I read the post.

OP, your post is contradictory. You say more than once you're a very independent sort of person yet you expected your bf to be there for you on Monday and Friday evening and he let you down (allegedly).

I'm a very independent person, some people would say I am fiercely independent. Here's the thing I've learned the hard way - people aren't mind readers. If you project yourself as an independent person who likes to keep their lives separate from others when it suits them then you can't blame those people around you for not coming running when you feel you need them.

Bottom line OP - you have to communicate what it is you need from people. Did you unequivocally tell your bf on Monday or Friday that you were having a bad time and you needed him to call around? Was he made fully aware that you wanted him to be there for you and you needed his support?

I don't think your bf is a tool. I think that perhaps you didn't communicate how you felt to him and then you berate him for not being psychic and rushing to be at your side when you need him.

Give the guy a break. You've been together 2 years and this is all his fault and you're the victim and you're ready just to dump him over this. I think as well as being independent, you're most probably idealistic and if things don't come up to scratch you won't tolerate it.

Relationships don't work like that, if you project yourself as the independent person who needs no-one then don't be suprised when people don't come running when you're in a crisis. Why? Because they think you don't need them or their support.

Marksie wrote: »

Tats something you had to work on then A) His non communication and your lets see how long it will take

Well you pretty muhc know now thats what he wont do.

Well its clearer .. seems to be he has to work on that

Yep, he isn't aware (or in a snit for some reason) and you shuldn't go for the olympic "how long will it take for the fool to contact me" gold medal

I know. It's childish in the extreme!

seamus · 07-07-2008 2:22pm

Relationship by text? Is that what it's come down to?

1 - You need to figure out whether he actually contacted you or not. I've been given out to in the past for not responding, then being able to show evidence of having sent the text.
Maybe he did text you on the Friday, and he assumed by your silence that you were busy.

2 - Reap what you sow. From your post, you're somewhat unclear on what you expect from him. Sometimes you expect him to be there when you say and get annoyed when your plans change (not his), and yet you claim to be easy going and happy to let him do what he wants. As said above, he's not a mind reader. If you go on about being independent and wanting your own space, you can't complain when your boyfriend provides it.

Marksie · 07-07-2008 2:24pm

Curio wrote: »

I know. It's childish in the extreme!

and i sense your anger is abated a bit..good.

Think about what you want to say now and find the story out first hand.

Marksie · 07-07-2008 2:30pm

seamus wrote: »

Relationship by text? Is that what it's come down to?

1 - You need to figure out whether he actually contacted you or not. I've been given out to in the past for not responding, then being able to show evidence of having sent the text.
Maybe he did text you on the Friday, and he assumed by your silence that you were busy.

2 - Reap what you sow. From your post, you're somewhat unclear on what you expect from him. Sometimes you expect him to be there when you say and get annoyed when your plans change (not his), and yet you claim to be easy going and happy to let him do what he wants. As said above, he's not a mind reader. If you go on about being independent and wanting your own space, you can't complain when your boyfriend provides it.

I will quote mitigating factors in Curio's defence your honour

.
A ****ty week can lead to all misjudgments. Bereavements especially so.
Know that, been there recently.
Its possible at some level conscisouly or unconsciously Curio you are venting some of what happened during the week in his direction (you needed to let off stuff somewhere and this was an opportunity)

Bit of reflection and you'll work it out

Curio · 07-07-2008 2:37pm

seamus wrote: »

Relationship by text? Is that what it's come down to?

1 - You need to figure out whether he actually contacted you or not. I've been given out to in the past for not responding, then being able to show evidence of having sent the text.
Maybe he did text you on the Friday, and he assumed by your silence that you were busy.

2 - Reap what you sow. From your post, you're somewhat unclear on what you expect from him. Sometimes you expect him to be there when you say and get annoyed when your plans change (not his), and yet you claim to be easy going and happy to let him do what he wants. As said above, he's not a mind reader. If you go on about being independent and wanting your own space, you can't complain when your boyfriend provides it.

Okay, okay - for some reason people seem to have got the idea that my relationship is based on texts and is somehow unsavoury, unnatural and unholy (or something

).
Ummm, No. It isnt.
I happened to mention texts in my original post. Let's face it - I don't think I am in the minority here - in a lot of jobs, it's easier to text than to get the opportunity to get the privacy to ring someone while at work. Theres nothing unusual about that.
In 'real life' when not in work - we ring, we talk, we go out.. there's nothing massively unusual about our relationship.

As for the points you made here - 1) I know he's not a mind reader. Thats why I RANG him and asked him to call over. I didnt leave it open to chance that texts failed to send etc etc. And yes, maybe he did text to take a rain check and it didnt arrive. I too, am not a mind reader and dont know if that is the case.

2) I have to deal with his plans changing a lot due to the work he does. I'm flexible for that very reason. I travel a lot for work, and he is really good for being flexible when it comes to my job as well. It's a two way thing.

As for what I expect from him. I expect a little bit of support. And to be clear - YES. I did ask for just that. YES. I was clear about it. NO. I didnt leave it open to interpretation.

Curio · 07-07-2008 2:39pm

Thanks for the replies! They are appreciated!
Will sit down and talk to him tonight and see what the story is.
Over and out.

McCABE1 · 07-07-2008 2:45pm

At the end of the day your bf let you down and we can all talk about how you may not have communicated your needs to him and you're so independent that he's not a mind reader etc etc but these are all excuses. You had a family death and I dont care if it was only your goldfish because it was enough for you to take time of work and head straight home for a funeral and your bf did absolutly nothing for you. Never mind about not texting you he should have rang you and checked up on you and seen if you were okay. He should definitely not have let you down that Friday night and you have every right to be angry with him.
The test of a good relationship is saying well would I have treated him that way, and in all honesty if you would have behaved like he did, well then fair enough, match made in heaven but I have a feeling you wouldnt. You deserved far more support than you received so dont go feeling like you're over-reacting or in the wrong because you aren't.

lainypops · 07-07-2008 4:56pm

McCABE1 wrote: »

At the end of the day your bf let you down and we can all talk about how you may not have communicated your needs to him and you're so independent that he's not a mind reader etc etc but these are all excuses. You had a family death and I dont care if it was only your goldfish because it was enough for you to take time of work and head straight home for a funeral and your bf did absolutly nothing for you. Never mind about not texting you he should have rang you and checked up on you and seen if you were okay. He should definitely not have let you down that Friday night and you have every right to be angry with him.
The test of a good relationship is saying well would I have treated him that way, and in all honesty if you would have behaved like he did, well then fair enough, match made in heaven but I have a feeling you wouldnt. You deserved far more support than you received so dont go feeling like you're over-reacting or in the wrong because you aren't.

+1

I can't believe that some people are siding with your bf on this. There was a death in your family, you asked for support from your bf of two years and you got nothing in return!! You have every right to be upset!

LegacyUser · 07-07-2008 5:18pm

muppetkiller wrote: »

2 year relationship ...and you communicate by text ?

I'm in a almost four year relationship and communicate by text, whats the big deal?

Your man should have known without you having to tell him you needed him to be fair, doesn't sound like you're controlling or whatever really.

Unless you're man has a very good excuse you should maybe give him what for.
Or decide if you really care bout him and if not make for the high road.

But talk to him first and listen to what his side of the story is, I'm afraid us men sometimes are a bit slow at realising we've something wrong - he might be a bit slow, that or completely insensitive.

SarahSassy · 07-07-2008 5:44pm

Op

I would be very disappointed / hurt too if my bf of 2 years had acted like that. The fact that he didnt bother contacting you for 3 days, didnt show up on the friday night and then acted as if nothing had happened would gall me.

I suppose some people find it hard to deal with loss but this was not his family and at the back of my mind I would be wondering what it would be like if we were a couple in the future - would he run away again when the times get tough???

SS

Trinity · 07-07-2008 6:35pm

OP i would never stand anyone up, I have more manners. And if by chance i couldnt make it i would let them know. It is pure disrespect and i dont find you controlling by these posts.

Thats what he did, aside from the bereavement which makes it worse, was display disrespect, he said he was on his way, didnt show up, didnt apologise, didnt make any excuse.

You deserve an explanation and an apology.

Redpunto · 07-07-2008 6:36pm

Quick reply,,id be extremely pissed off by the way your bf behaved over the weekend, if it had been any other weekend then not so,,but a family bereavement?? He needs to cop on and give ya a bit of support.

Curio · 08-07-2008 11:22am

Redpunto wrote: »

Quick reply,,id be extremely pissed off by the way your bf behaved over the weekend, if it had been any other weekend then not so,,but a family bereavement?? He needs to cop on and give ya a bit of support.

Yep. Apparently there was another friend who needed some comforting over a work problem..:rolleyes:. When I asked why he didnt text to just tell me he wasnt going to make it, he couldnt really give me an answer. Was too tired to argue it out last night. Am agreed with you though. It shows complete disrespect. Going to need to have a serious think about where this is going. I feel there may be a hairdryer moment somewhere in the near future!:)

stevelknievel · 08-07-2008 11:59am

Another poster mentioned this (sorry but can't remember who you are) but I think the most important thing to here is how close a family member it was. If it was a very close member, then it doesn't matter about communication or independence. It doesn't matter how busy he is with work/study. He should be there for you, and it's you who should come first. Regardless.

If it's a 17th cousin 4th removed, then that's a different story...

forestfruits · 08-07-2008 11:34pm

I cannot believe how many negative responses there have been here!

End of the day, you were havin a Sh1t time of it and he felt it was more important to be there for someone else! !!

Not only that but he didnt bother to let you know that he couldnt be ars*d coming over

I wouldnt have been half as calm as you were!

Get Rid! and in the process give him quite a large chunk of your mind!

Such a tool (Him not you OP)

My bf is a tool.

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