girlygirly issues-should i stay or should i go?

LegacyUser

hi all

Another long time poster here...need to go unreg for obvious reasons.

I'll try keep this to the point as much as i can.

I'm going out with a girl for the last 6 months...im 24 and she's 19, and lives about 2 hours away from me........ when it started out it was exciting and great....i was very attracted to this girl and still am. We met through mutual friends. When it all started out, I loved being around her and enjoyed her company no end
Circumstances have changed though in the last while, both for her and for me. She has recently started a job for her summer holidays in a pub/bar.
For me, since we have started to go out, I have started a new job (permanent), so my life has changed quite considerably. Makes a change from being a odds and ends person making a bit of cash on the side!

Over the last month or so, I have noticed that I am completely bored with her phonecalls. We don't see each other very often (once every 2 weeks or so). I really want to treat her right and make her feel loved and all that, as she does to me, but I'm finding it more and more difficult as the days go by. She spends most of her phonecalls talking/bitching about other people she works with....how they have acted to others...what they say to the boss...blah blah blah........ Sorry if I'm sounding completely selfish here, but frankly I really don't give a sh*t about her stupid work-mates. It amazes me how angry and stuff she can get thinking/talking about them.

As an aside to this, In the last few months, I have learned that my dad has a terminal illness and is extremely sick in hospital. I worry about his well-being alot, but don't talk much about it. I try to go see him as much as i can (he is about a 3 hour drive away), but it is harder since I'm working now to get the time. Hopefully you can appreciate where im coming from here.

Anyway, last nights riveting phonecall got me thinking...i realised that I'm not interested in what this girl has to say anymore. I find it hard to believe how stupid girly cat-fights between other people can affect her. When I'm hanging out with her, it's cool...we have a laugh and all that; but unfortunately most of our relationship is phonecall based, and this is not doing my head any good. Since my dad's illness, I'm beginning to understand what REALLY matters in life. I now know that going round talking and whispering and bitching behind peoples back is a waste of energy. I reakon that she realises that I don't care about stupid work arguments. All i say is "if ur not happy in that place of work, life is too short...get out of it. You'll feel so much better about yourself....theey don't deserve you"

I'm sure that this is written very badly...I'm just in a situation where im not sure what to do.

At this moment in time, I feel sooooooo guilty about this whole thing, becuase i think she deserves someone that will listen to her every word and love hearing from her. She hasn't done anything wrong ever; I'm just not interested in spending up to an hour every evening going........."oh really?...........what happened then?................thats terrible..........blah blah".

This girl is a great great person. She is generous...thoughtful....good looking....smart...funny.....all things one would look for in a chick. I just cant stand her gossipy nature...sorry

so what do i do?
do i break up with her?

do i tell her whats bothering me? Bearing in mind that I would be criticising her personality, which I think is wrong. I don't want anyone to change for me.

Do I keep things as they are and pretend it doesnt bother me...?

Giggidy

Honestly man, although you think highly of her and think shes goodlooking it sound like you don't fancy her any more. The fact you can't stand listening to her suggests your just sick of her. Right you might say its only the gossip but come on every girl gossips.

It also sounds like the illness on your father has had an impact, that everything sound stupid and pointless in comparsion to that. Also you obviously would be upset meaning that your in a bad mood and interested in doing anything or listening.

My advice would be talk to her tell her that your going through a rough patch because of your dad. dont say anything about the gossip. Just see how things go after that

mags16

You say that things are cool when you hang out and that it is just the phone calls that are boring you to tears. If you want to give this relationship a chance you need to spend more time together. That way you get to remember what it is that attracted you to her in the first place.

Or perhaps tell her that you would like to spend you phone calls talking about other stuff.

Looby_Loo

It sounds like you have hit a bit of a rut. Maybe you are growing up a little, getting a permanent job and dealing with serious life issues while she still is a teenager.
That said, from how you describe her- generous, thoughtful etc it sounds like you want to make it work. I think you need to speak to her about how you feel. You have nothing to lose really and it just might make the difference

MJOR

Well it sounds to me like she is letting you know how her day went..... maybe she needs another job. Have you told her about your Dad?

When a parent is ill sometimes it makes us get a little more irratted than usual... As in you're probably on the phone thinking " my dad is so ill and all she can witter on about is that susan wears really short skirts to work and ignores the female customers.. Oh God"

I have been there..... It's not either of your faults but personally I think it's time to say goodbye....

You're not singing from the same hymn sheet as it were..

jellie

is it just the talking/bitching about the work stuff? have you told her its a bit dull/annoying?

maybe she doesnt realise & just needs to vent.

maybe she doesnt realise how upset you are over the situation with your dad - does she ever ask? do you ever volunteer information? though i think she should be showing an interest, but if she does show an interest do you tell her how its affecting you.

dont be so quick to dismiss something that was good without talking to her about it. sometimes people get wrapped up in the stupid little things of their lives - doesnt make them bad people, just people.

maybe have a chat with her about whats bothering you. if it doesnt change then you know its not working.

RedXIV

Looby_Loo wrote: »

Maybe you are growing up a little, getting a permanent job and dealing with serious life issues while she still is a teenager.

That is exactly what i thought of reading this. OP, i have a friend of mine who rings me every time a crisis happens in her life, which can go from getting blanked by a friend of hers to what her latest college results were.
And while i love the girl to bits, the phone calls can be soul destroying if i'm in the wrong mood to accept them. And like you, in person, it's grand.

The fact your father is in hospital, while hitting home heavy to you, may not have even a fraction of the impact on her, and the things she's talking about may very well be important to her.

chump

Listen, most lads don't like talking to their gf on the phone. (I base this on my own personal feelings).
So next time she rings, multitask.

I tend to be in the computer, or fiddling with things (myself).

All you need to do is a bit of "ah ye", "mmmm", "uh-huh" and the like.

You can also shorten the conversation by coughing very loudly when she's in the middle of talking, she'll likely forget what she was talking about, and then you say "ah not to worry, talk to you later sweet cheeks".

r3nu4l

Well I've often found that I have absolutely no interest in hearing stories about people I don't know but once I've met them or gotten to know them, all of a sudden I can put faces and personalities to names and it becomes more interesting.

You don't say a lot about what YOU say during these phone calls. Perhaps your gf wants to fill an otherwise empty silence? Perhaps she wants to try to 'take your mind off your dad' by talking about inane small things? Perhaps she's finding it difficult to deal with and is trying to talk about anything other than your Dad.

Do you tell her how your day was? Do you talk about your favourite TV show? Arrange times to meet up or talk about something you saw in the paper or a magazine that she may be interested in.

I just get the impression that she's the one doing all the talking...maybe she's desperate to keep the chat going so she rants on a bit.

Perhaps you need to steer the conversation a bit more, it takes at least two to talk you know (unless you're a nutter who talks to himself all the time!).

LegacyUser

can't believe how much feedback i have gotten from you all......thanks so much.

about the phone thing... to be honest she does most the talking.....shes one of them girls who just goes on and on and on...a bit like a radio i guess!
Maybe if she stopped talking, there would be nothing to say..who knows..but i dont think this will happen soon .
As regards multitasking, I probably do too much of it to be honest...I'm only half listening to her, because I believe its a waste of time for her to be going on about blah blah in the bar and blah blah said this........basically I DONT CARE! Right now, I have enough stuff to deal with in my head.

To be honest, there is alot of stuff I'd like to talk to her about, and I'm a little bit hesitant, becuase of the way she talks to me about other people's business. It sounds a bit weird a bf saying this, but she's a bit of a gossip, and to be honest, I don't want my "news" broadcast to all her young girlfriends... This is probably not helping the whole relationship thing either i guess...my bad...

she knows about my dad and all that and asks how he is on occasion, but she has never met him, so i guess it's hard for her to become attached to the situation like i am.


i had a chat with her this morning after i posted, and i put my cards out on the table...i said i have alot on , and im sick of listening to her b*tch about other people.. I told her that no good can come of speaking ill of others. I said if ur not happy in your current situation, then it's time to move on. Sanity is wwaaaayyyyy more important than a crappy paycheck.
she wanted to hang out with me this week until saturday, but I pretty much let her know that I didn't feel like hanging out with her She got very upset, and so did I a little bit, as i heard what i was saying.

after about an hour of phone chatting and going over and back, I think i tweaked why i dont want to hang out with her too much..........

my last relationship ended badly...literally walked in the door from a lads holiday and she had moved out..everything gone....EVERYTHING....there was abit of an argument before i went, but not that nuts.....haven't seen her since...thats over a year and a half ago...but thats a story for another thread.
basically in my last relationship, i was very close to someone and they threw it back in my face, so im a little bit more cautious this time.

I told her all this and i explained that was why i don't want to fall into the area of a super serious relationship where all the fun is gone, and it's all about listening to my other half rant and rant. god im making her sound like a devil...shes not THAT bad...just.....anymore than a sentence of negativity towards someone else is just too much...i cant handle it.

i hope we can work things out, but i kinda feel that i shouldnt be in a relationship right now..i have too much on my plate..
she's a young girl...she should be with a young guy hanging out getting locked with him etc. I feel im too ........i dunno......grown up? mature for her?
i don't think im too good for her or anything....just........i dont think its fair for her to have to try and make something of this.


On the phone this morning, she got very upset, and said that she has never been happier....ever
she told me she loves me more than anything in the world.
unfortunately right now...i dont feel the same..:(

i don't feel anything. I'm just trying to cope with it all and try to keep my head together in work etc and not be a pain in the a$$ to be around.

luckily enough I have some amazing friends that I can chat to, and an even better family, so no matter what happens, I won't be alone, so that's not an issue.

thanks again for all your opinions

AngryBadger

OP there's 2 big things happening here.

1) You've started a full-time job, and along with the fact that your dad has been diagnosed with a terminal illness, your whole perspective on life is being revised. Before this you probably spent a lot of time going on about the same crap that your gf is talking about now. But suddenly you have a full-time job, which means your time is limited, you have responsibilities and it doesn't make sense to invest your time poorly bitching about everyone else, particularly when you're also trying to make time for your father.

2) Your gf is in a completely different place. She's in college (right?) and now she's working ino a summer job. She's barely out of the gates man, it doesn't surprise me at all that she spends a lot of time bitching about co-workers. She's at that age, she's only starting to grow up, and that's no reflection on her, but the fact is generally speaking the two of you are not compatibile because you're at different stages in your lives.

And I suspect you kind of resent her right now, because she's just something else eating into time you could be spending with your father.

I'd break up with her OP.

SnowMonkey

bobquinlan23 wrote: »

This girl is a great great person. She is generous...thoughtful....good looking....smart...funny.....all things one would look for in a chick. I just cant stand her gossipy nature...sorry

For all those things you listed above is she really that bad?

Granted your mnds on another plannet at the moment which is fare enough. But because she bores you, does'nt nesscerily mean she means to she is only 19 which is a facter you have to except shes not as wide to the world so her conversational skill's wont be that of a 23 year old.

I think your being slightly over judgemental of your hole situation, No man likes to listen to there gf talk for ages espechilly, on and on like a durecell bunny. But at least she does talk to you even if its B/S facter you've got to except its just the way she is.. If you truely mean what you said about her so shes got a few flaws ok so her head revolves around work its the same ina place where i work all the 17 year old girls have nothin remotely interesting to say..

So your situation is in summeray, your dads ill, which im sorry to hear.Which can't be easy for you. But the way id look at it hearing what she says down the phone may be boreing but itd be nice to have soem one throwing words into my ear so the rest of my brian can relax so to me it wouldnt really bother me your going let one personality trait, anoy you but thats good a partner that can anoy you is better then one that doesnt anoy you at all at least theres a bit of "OMG It drives me nuts when she goes on about that :rolleyes:" I think thats important... or maybe im just damm strange.

Redpunto

Maybe the age gap is finally catching up, she still us quite young. If you feel bored by her now how is the relationship gonna progress any further??