Scared Im losing my friends

LegacyUser

I should be the happiest person around. I recently got engaged to an amazing guy, my job is going good and I have a very happy healthy child. My life is all about change, Im moving to another county to live with my fiance and child next summer and getting married the following year.

Problem is my friends. None of them seem all that interested or excited for me. I feel Im being left behind by the group and its getting me down so much. Reducing me to tears on many occasions. My bf and I are not religious and have decided to get married in Las Vegas. I know its very expensive to ask anyone to come all the way over there but his friends are all excited making plans while mine seem to be avoiding me.

I have always felt like im outside the loop. They are all high earners, stylish women while I've been a single parent, low paid and a plain jane type in the fashion stakes. One of the girls got married last year and it was excitement like you have never seen before. Im not asking that they go mad for me but they havent been able to make it out for a drink to celebrate or call round to my house.

I dont know why Im posting all this- I just feel so so so sad and wanted to moan a bit I suppose

MIN2511

NoMates wrote: »

I should be the happiest person around. I recently got engaged to an amazing guy, my job is going good and I have a very happy healthy child. My life is all about change, Im moving to another county to live with my fiance and child next summer and getting married the following year.

Problem is my friends. None of them seem all that interested or excited for me. I feel Im being left behind by the group and its getting me down so much. Reducing me to tears on many occasions. My bf and I are not religious and have decided to get married in Las Vegas. I know its very expensive to ask anyone to come all the way over there but his friends are all excited making plans while mine seem to be avoiding me.

I have always felt like im outside the loop. They are all high earners, stylish women while I've been a single parent, low paid and a plain jane type in the fashion stakes. One of the girls got married last year and it was excitement like you have never seen before. Im not asking that they go mad for me but they havent been able to make it out for a drink to celebrate or call round to my house.

I dont know why Im posting all this- I just feel so so so sad and wanted to moan a bit I suppose

hmmm

• Friends are weird honestly, did you fall out with them? Ignore them because you are in a relationship/have a child to take care of?
• Would your family make it to the wedding?

Truth of the matter is that there could be good reasons why they can't make it to your wedding.
Maybe organise a night in/out and sit with them and talk about your wedding, guage their reactions(those that can attend, enthusiasm etc) and if after that you don't think they are making any effort then maybe it's time to find new friends

I know that some of my friends judge themselves by relating their lives to the others in their social circle.
They react poorly when something nice happens to others, because they feel that they are losing advantage.


It is probably more likely that it is a passive aggressive reaction, to the idea of losing you when you move abroad.
As the time gets nearer they should turn it around.

Wurly

NoMates wrote: »

I should be the happiest person around. I recently got engaged to an amazing guy, my job is going good and I have a very happy healthy child. My life is all about change, Im moving to another county to live with my fiance and child next summer and getting married the following year.

Problem is my friends. None of them seem all that interested or excited for me. I feel Im being left behind by the group and its getting me down so much. Reducing me to tears on many occasions. My bf and I are not religious and have decided to get married in Las Vegas. I know its very expensive to ask anyone to come all the way over there but his friends are all excited making plans while mine seem to be avoiding me.

I have always felt like im outside the loop. They are all high earners, stylish women while I've been a single parent, low paid and a plain jane type in the fashion stakes. One of the girls got married last year and it was excitement like you have never seen before. Im not asking that they go mad for me but they havent been able to make it out for a drink to celebrate or call round to my house.

I dont know why Im posting all this- I just feel so so so sad and wanted to moan a bit I suppose

Hi OP, that's terribly sad. I really feel for you. When something so big like this happens, you want your friends to make a fuss of you.

The best and most obvious advice I can give you is that you should talk to them about how your feeling. They might not see your side at the moment and so, its up to you to tell them. I hope they change their behaviour when you tell them how sad you feel.

Good luck and I hope you have a fabulous wedding.x

towel401

MIN2511 wrote: »

Ignore them because you are in a relationship/have a child to take care of?

ah yes that happens a lot. usually when some girl tells me about her new bf and how happy she is I just sort of give up, because I know they will end up ignoring me anyways. and if you're moving away to another country you can't really blame them for bailing out of the sinking (friend) ship.

Wagon

towel401 wrote: »

ah yes that happens a lot. usually when some girl tells me about her new bf and how happy she is I just sort of give up, because I know they will end up ignoring me anyways. and if you're moving away to another country you can't really blame them for bailing out of the sinking (friend) ship.

I'd agree with this. But it also just shows what lousy friends they are (no offence towel104, it's not aimed at you mate). This will probably be wong but I'd imagine your in your mid to late 20's and many of these women are still single and looking for that someone. I'd also guess that yuor bloke is a sound chap as well. I reckon they're jealous. There was anoth friend getting married last year, it was all happy then and now that you're also tying the knot they realise that they haven't and take it out on you. My advice: To hell with them it's no excuse for taking it out on your hapiness. Meet new people and don't waste your time on tossers like that. Hope this helps.

Keano

Perhaps making your feelings known to your friends might help you but I have devopled an attitude of late that if people make an effort to see me then I make an effort to see them.

MJOR

As we get older our circle of friends gets smaller.. This is a fact I am afraid. Why? because everyone moves in different stages and that is how it is.

My circle of friends is so much different no to what it was even five years ago.

Maybe you need to have a chat with them and organise a night out whereby you can celebrate your enagagement?




Ok I am getting married in Vegas in two years time.... It is an expense asking people top come over.... What I suggest is that you tell them that you don't expect them to come but if any of them would like to make it their holiday that year you would be chuffed.

LegacyUser

As for heading to Vegas, fine, go there if you like but you're asking people to fork out the guts of what €750 for a flight plus accomodation, time off work (two days maybe), and possibly a present. I think I'd be a bit bummed if a friend of mine decided to head off to get married liike that.

Is there any friend among the group who you could mention it to..... maybe sound her out and see if there is a story.

Maybe they're a bit envious that you have a kid, a husband to be and are then heading off to live abroad when their lives revolve around work and being stylish.

I don't get excited about weddings. For the couple it's obviously a very big deal but for most other people, it's just a day out.

MJOR

IknowIknow wrote: »

As for heading to Vegas, fine, go there if you like but you're asking people to fork out the guts of what €750 for a flight plus accomodation, time off work (two days maybe), and possibly a present. I think I'd be a bit bummed if a friend of mine decided to head off to get married liike that.

I don't get excited about weddings. For the couple it's obviously a very big deal but for most other people, it's just a day out.

I Don't see what the problem is in them wanting to go away. It's their day and they should celebrate it how they want

LegacyUser

MJOR wrote: »

I Don't see what the problem is in them wanting to go away. It's their day and they should celebrate it how they want

What I'm saying is that yes, it's fine to go away but you're asking them to take time off work and also asking them to fork out well over a grand for someone else's special day.

It's a lot to ask of people so if they are not so enthusiastic, maybe the reason is down to all the extra costs and time involved compared to a wedding at home. Maybe some of the friends really want to go but can't afford the time off, or can't justify spending so much money on someone else's wedding.

While Vegas might sound like a great time for the couple, maybe the friends simply don't want to go there.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the responses. Once or twice I have posted on other threads and have had some smart/rude responses so its such a relief to have nice considerate replies.

I decided to take some of your advice and contacted 2 of the girls today to arrange a night out on Saturday night. One was very enthuastic while the other said she is broke but will see.

I think I have let things build up alot in my head- like they are intentionally avoiding me when it possible that they are just busy with their own lives at the moment. We are all in our late 20s so things like mortgages and jobs are priorities these days not like the days of old where we went out every weekend.

I think I'll try my best to have the nerve to tell them how Im feeling. I really dont expect anyone to come to Vegas (although I would love it if they could), I think I just want support and interest.

P.S Thats cool your getting married in Las Vegas too MJOR. We have decided on a Viva Las Vegas wedding with Elvis. Soooo excited.

The Mighty Ken

NoMates wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the responses. Once or twice I have posted on other threads and have had some smart/rude responses so its such a relief to have nice considerate replies.

You won't mind if I add an inconsiderate one then? Seriously, you consider these negiligent cows who make you feel bad to be your friends? I'd hate to meet your enemies, if you have any. You deserve better friends to be perfectly honest.

As towel41 says:

usually when some girl tells me about her new bf and how happy she is I just sort of give up, because I know they will end up ignoring me anyways. and if you're moving away to another country you can't really blame them for bailing out of the sinking (friend) ship.

Wow! Eh... WOW! Effectively what you're saying is that the girl was never really your friend in the first place and that you're a sycophant and user and someone who views 'friends' as tools of social enhancement and to make yourself feel better. I really, really pity you. Are many people actually like this? Once again... WOW!

NoMates

NoMates wrote: »

We have decided on a Viva Las Vegas wedding with Elvis. Soooo excited.

I'd marry literally anyone for that day out!

How Strange

NoMates wrote: »

Problem is my friends. None of them seem all that interested or excited for me. I feel Im being left behind by the group and its getting me down so much. Reducing me to tears on many occasions. My bf and I are not religious and have decided to get married in Las Vegas. I know its very expensive to ask anyone to come all the way over there but his friends are all excited making plans while mine seem to be avoiding me.

OP, have you asked invited your friends to join you in Las Vegas or do they think you'd rather go alone?

I have always felt like im outside the loop. They are all high earners, stylish women while I've been a single parent, low paid and a plain jane type in the fashion stakes. One of the girls got married last year and it was excitement like you have never seen before. Im not asking that they go mad for me but they havent been able to make it out for a drink to celebrate or call round to my house.

Is it possible that because you see yourself as the plain jane compared to your more glamorous friends that you act like a wall flower and just fade into the background around them? You don't make a fuss and you don't draw attention to yourself? You say your friend made a huge fuss about getting married. I think the key words here are she made the fuss, she didn't wait for her friends to make the fuss for her.

I decided to take some of your advice and contacted 2 of the girls today to arrange a night out on Saturday night. One was very enthuastic while the other said she is broke but will see.

Are you being a little over sensitive? Did you say to your friends that you want to go out to celebrate your engagement or did you make it seem like just a normal night out?

I think I have let things build up alot in my head- like they are intentionally avoiding me when it possible that they are just busy with their own lives at the moment. We are all in our late 20s so things like mortgages and jobs are priorities these days not like the days of old where we went out every weekend.

I think I'll try my best to have the nerve to tell them how Im feeling. I really dont expect anyone to come to Vegas (although I would love it if they could), I think I just want support and interest.

OK I see here that you haven't asked them yet to go to Las Vegas with you. I'd say that most women would regard that as a bit of a snub that you're going away to get married and not intending to invite your friends to come too. It's up to them to decide whether or not they can afford it but at least give them the option. They may suprise you.

OP, did you make a fuss over getting engaged? Did you phone your friends up and tell them all the good news or did you take it in your stride and not make a fuss? I think if you want your friends to make a fuss over you and be excited for you then you have to instigate that and start talking about your wedding plans and get them involved otherwise it looks like you really can't be bothered and they may interpret that as you don't want to involve them.

AngryBadger

OP have you considered having a reception here in ireland for friends and relatives who can't make Vegas?

Two friends of mine got married recently. They had the wedding in italy, and while some people made it that far, a lot (like myself) just couldn't make it at the time.

Some of your friends may be feeling a tad alienated by the Vegas choice, maybe if you were having something back here as well they wouldn't feel like they'd been cut out of the loop.

Just a thought.

Wurly

Good on you for contacting them for drinks and a chat.

Now go and explain how you feel. If the other one doesn't turn up, then that's her problem but she can't say you didn't make the effort.

LegacyUser

Thanks Moonbaby your comment really lifted my spirits. I am really looking forward to the wedding and get very very excited when talking to my OH about it. I have others who are very excited too and making the 'fuss' im after. Its just these other 4 girls have been my friends for 15 years and I had hoped they would be more excited for me.

Anyways to answer some of the comments- they have actually known about the idea of getting married in Vegas a few months- even before I got engaged as my OH and I had discussed the idea jokingly one night and I went to them to see what they tought and all said it was a great idea and they would definately go. But when it turned to reality they seem to have changed their minds. I wouldnt really consider myself a wallflower or anything, Im often the life of the party. I think I just realised that to some extent maybe I am to blame for not getting them involved yet- the weekend I got engaged I was away from home and went out with my fiances family for a great night. By the time I got to see the girls again it was about 4 weeks later so maybe all the fuss had died down a bit by then.

Im going to take the advice about making more of a fuss myself and when I go out this weekend I will let them in on all the plans and see if they are getting on board with me then. If not I will just have to accept that we are growing apart and I have other friends and family who want to be in my life (easier said than done!)

Oh and yes angrybadger we have decided to have a party in a local hotel after the wedding to celebrate with everyone after the wedding. We plan to have a slide show of pictures from the day projected onto a screen in the background and possibly the dvd of the wedding itself- the cermony takes 10 mins and includes 3 songs by Elvis- just to share the fun of the whole thing with everybody

Thanks again for responses I definately feel better this evening than last night

Wurly

NoMates wrote: »

Thanks again for responses I definately feel better this evening than last night

I'm glad OP. I hope the drinks go well for you. You've done all you can.

As you've said, if nothing else, you've plenty of other people who think the world of you.

Again, have a great wedding.;);)

MJOR

NoMates wrote: »

Thanks everyone for the responses. Once or twice I have posted on other threads and have had some smart/rude responses so its such a relief to have nice considerate replies.

I decided to take some of your advice and contacted 2 of the girls today to arrange a night out on Saturday night. One was very enthuastic while the other said she is broke but will see.

I think I have let things build up alot in my head- like they are intentionally avoiding me when it possible that they are just busy with their own lives at the moment. We are all in our late 20s so things like mortgages and jobs are priorities these days not like the days of old where we went out every weekend.

I think I'll try my best to have the nerve to tell them how Im feeling. I really dont expect anyone to come to Vegas (although I would love it if they could), I think I just want support and interest.

P.S Thats cool your getting married in Las Vegas too MJOR. We have decided on a Viva Las Vegas wedding with Elvis. Soooo excited.

Vegas is amazing I was there last Oct.... We aren't getting hitched for 2 yrs.

It might be worth a mention to your friends that you'd lovethem to come....

maybe they feel left out