Am I wasting my time?

JoeyW

Been with my partner for 10 years now and we have a house together for the last five. We have our ups and down as I'm sure most couples do.
I tried to bring up a discussion on marriage before but my man refused to discuss it. It's 'not his thing' etc...which was fine by me for a long time as I wasnt all that bothered in the whole concept of marriage and all the money it entails.
However, I've recently turned 32 and have started to think about my future and about having kids. Now I have always wanted to be married before I have kids, so old fashioned I know but thats just the way I was brought up. Now though, I know if I have kids I may forget about marriage as my boyfriend is so against it and he's said so on numerous occasions. He's happy enough to go along with us having kids but again he's not too bothered. When I try to broach the subject he acts all bored and indifferent and to me it's a bloody big deal. I'm getting so sick of his lack of enthusiasm on the whole thing. He's no spring chicken himself I might add. He's 35. I'm just wondering am I totally wasting my time on him? We're great when we're plodding along but as for any serious commitment from him, I can forget it. He won't talk about anything 'serious' and I'm soo sick of it.

MagicMarker

Is 10 years not commitment enough? I assume you live together, is this not commitment enough? But yet you seem to value a piece of paper over both of these things.

Yeah, you're right, throw away a ten year relationship that from your post, appears to be fine otherwise.

Women!! :rolleyes:

Tuesday_Girl

MagicMarker wrote: »

Is 10 years not commitment enough? I assume you live together, is this not commitment enough? But yet you seem to value a piece of paper over both of these things.

Yeah, you're right, throw away a ten year relationship that from your post, appears to be fine otherwise.

Women!! :rolleyes:

No it's not commitment enough if he's not willing to have a serious conversation about children, their future together, etc.

OP, time to sit him down and find out exactly what his thoughts are, if ye are on different paths in life it's better to find out now than later.

RedXIV

MagicMarker wrote: »

Is 10 years not commitment enough? I assume you live together, is this not commitment enough? But yet you seem to value a piece of paper over both of these things.

Yeah, you're right, throw away a ten year relationship that from your post, appears to be fine otherwise.

Women!! :rolleyes:

be fair, she wants kids, he's "not pushed". Kids are a HUGE thing in people's lives and for someone to want them and their other half to not share that enthusiasm can be a massive hurdle in a relationship. i know myself that i'd like to have kids someday and if i was with something that didn't, it'd be a huge barrier for me.

OP, if you want kids and your OH doesn't, then your options are comprimise or split up. thats it. Personally, i don't think i could, but thats me. either way you need to speak to your OH.

LegacyUser

I think that you have the answer in what you've contemplated upon for some time now. You and your partner appear (from your post) to be at polar opposites on the issue. And yeah, marriage is a big deal - maybe not for everyone, but for an awful lot of people. Your guy might just be lazy - maybe had it 'easy' for too long. I think after 10 years you should be in a position to know if you want to commit for the remainder of your days - and its a big commitment too. Imagine, presently your 'downs' that you mention always have the nuclear option of a walk away. Such 'downs' in a marriage situation won't be so easy. Some people will believe there is nothing to marriage, its only the bit of paper - well it probably doesn't matter what anyone else thinks (including me!), if you *need* marriage (as is perfectly understandable), desire marriage, want that piece of paper - it can be a very potent desire. And if you don't get it, you may resent it forever. Think about the downs, think about the ups, think about your guy, above all think about what you want yourself. The answer is in there. Good luck.

SarahSassy

I think you already know the answer to your own question... No one here can tell you that. Its about what you want for yourself.

Neither of you are at fault. You changed your mind but thats what life is about and its not a bad thing. The only problem is your joint goals are no longer the same.. You both want different things and there is huge compromise required by one / both to get to a middle ground but it has been done before by other couples...

You just need to decide if you want to 'sacrifice' marriage & possibly having kids, which is important to you, in order to stay with him. Also his interest is having kids seems limited to me so would you be happy effectively being a single mother while in a relationship....

You need to decide how strongly you hold your beliefs and how much you are willing to compromise them. Likewise he will have to assess the same. Maybe he doesnt want the big wedding day and would be happy with a small registry office job. There is plenty of room for compromise here but its down to the pair of ye if ye can sort it out....

MagicMarker

Sorry, i just have a personal hatred of marriage and hate it when a topic like this comes up. where a woman who is with a guy for a looong time and find it lacks any real commitment without a marriage cert.

However, i see the point in this case where children are concerned. Although maybe 10 years down the line is a little too late to bring up the subject?

Toots

Why is marriage 'not his thing'? Is it that he doesn't like the religious aspect of it? If that's the case then a civil union would be a good option. Or is it that he doesn't want to tie himself to one person, and if that's the case then you would want to take a good look at your relationship, if he's always leaving a back door open.

Personally, I'd prefer to be married before I have kids. It'd be better for your partner too, especially considering how little rights unmarried fathers have here. Although from your post, it doesn't seem like he's too keen to have kids either. TBH, it seems like you both want different things from life. I think you need to sit down and have a long hard think. Are you prepared to give the chance of getting married and possibly having children to stay with him? Have a good long think about this, and if you decide that you can't give up your dreams, then you need to sit him down and explain this to him. Then you can come to a decision together about what ye will do.

Anan1

I think you need to ask yourself whether it's marriage or commitment that he has the problem with.

mumhaabu

I sympathise with the OP on this one, after ten years and her fella is afraid to commit, how immature is he? I know people who have tied the knot after 6 months and been happy since. His lack of enthusiasm for either Children or Marriage after ten years = lack of interest in you! Sorry to say it but he sounds like a deadbeat. You are 32 and still have enough time to find a nice husband and have kids although I know a woman’s biological clock starts ticking a little faster after 35 or so they say

You need to have a good look at your relationship and revaluate where it seems to be going, The fact that ye have a house together for 5 years says your bf trusts you but it also looks like he is taking you for granted and looks like a user if you are the greater earner in the relationship.

I'm a guy talking here but woman today usually dictate where these things go in life, you need to take control of him and say its my way or the highway! Be more assertive and don't be afraid to walk away, go stay with a friend for a few day etc. talk to your girlfriends about and get their opinions too. A load of men would love to be in a situation where you want to be and he sounds immature, lazy and the sort of guy who thinks he can be a teenager forever without a responsibilities or commitments, he needs to grow up and you need to put down your foot on this one. There are plenty more guys queuing up to take his place if he don't shape up.

Wurly

Hi OP,

When you say that he wont talk about anything serious, can I assume that that means marraige just?

You haven't said if he's adverse to the idea of having children. Just the thought of being married. Many people, irrespective of religious beliefs or indeed societal beliefs do not see the point in being married.

For some, not being married signifies a lack of commitment on their other half's part. For others, its just a piece of paper per se for the sake of it.

You have been together 10 years which as magic marker said - is this not commitment enough?

You have to decide though, ultimately, what is a deal breaker for you.

I have too, always liked the idea of being married. But, if I met the perfect guy and marraige wasn't his thing id have to weigh it up. Is it worth losing him over, just cause he wont commit to the ceremony so to speak. Or is it enough that he loves me enough to stay with me for ten years and counting.

OP, I am of the opinion - if it ain't broke, don't fix it. If it is broke, then don't waste more time. From the sound of your post, it appears that having children is hugely important to you and being married is a part of that.

I think if you meet the right person though, each should be willing to think outside the box of their ideals and come to a compromise.

However, if this is a deal breaker for you, well then I think you know what you should do.

I wish you the very best of luck with what you decide.xx

Wibbs

Anan1 wrote: »

I think you need to ask yourself whether it's marriage or commitment that he has the problem with.

I disagree. Yes this is an issue that needs the details to be thrashed out, but I think he's proven his commitment by being there for 10 years, getting a house together and while appearing "not bothered" about kids, he hasn't ruled it out either. The knee jerk reaction of, "oh he's clearly not committed" is hardly warranted. He sounds more committed than many out there with or without rings on their fingers.

He probably has gotten used to the status quo and is working the principle of "if it's not broken...". He also probably doesn't want the "hassle"of what he thinks may be an expensive, in time and money, irish wedding.

My issue would be his reluctance to discuss it further by poo pooing your attempts to discuss it. If I was you, concentrate on the having children part. Engage him in that and if you discuss that more and the reasons why you want to be married to start a family, he may begin to see your side of it.